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@VernorsHerzog
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I'm in the business of losing your interest, and I turn a profit each time that we speak • contributor to @lansingmifacts • he/him
Lansing, MI
Joined February 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Me: Lansing is ok.
You: Actually, Lansing sucks.
Me: I was born in a Quality Dairy. My mother was a Cadillac and my father was a Deluca’s pizza. I am married to an olive burger. Mr. Party performed the ceremony and Starfarm played the reception.
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Fox News has done to our parents what they thought gangsta rap would do to us
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If there were a “Sports Twitter” Hall of Fame, honoring the best sports-related tweets of all time, what would be your nominee?
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All Star Mechanical more like No Fucks Mechanical
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saw your boyfriend at the NYT Connections puzzle
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some of you have never followed a college football coaching search and it shows
NEWS: Asked about being the vice president, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer just told reporters she's "not leaving Michigan."
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it’s only Malört if it comes from the Malört region of Chicago otherwise it’s sparkling gasoline
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Humiliation at the hibachi restaurant tonight. Our chef started up stacking a cut up onion, filled it w oil and lit it. “U know that this is?” He asked. I’d seen this trick years ago, & said: “A volcano? A train?”
“No,” he responded. “Its an onion.” My date seems disappointed
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just found this photo that shows Tim Walz is licensed to practice medicine in Michigan
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you’re calling them the Same Old Lions today? after they came 4 points short of the Super Bowl? against the number 1 seeded NFC team? two years after 3-13? get a fucking grip
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when you have to go to a different Meijer and the layout is all wrong
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wife: you better not be a weird little cowboy when that Beyoncé country album drops
me:
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Our dogs make friends even when we’re not home.
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and please don’t argue with anonymous strangers in my mentions. they’re not here to learn, they’re here to steal your time and energy. block and move on with your life
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since this is blowing up a little, this is in Lansing and people I know say the owner is a great guy (I’ve never met him)
they’re not on Twitter, but you can follow them on Facebook, where they also give zero fucks:
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U.S. Military Mel Tucker
🤝🏼
watching $80 million fly away
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also the most hated. I think folks are still arguing in the replies
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how to tell if a deck of cards belongs to a Michigander:
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give me fuel
give me fire
give me Applebees by Meijer
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I have a meeting scheduled for 11am-1pm and it’s not a lunch meeting
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and also, if you’re as mad as Larry, you could donate to the National Network of Abortion Funds:
and if you’re in Michigan you should sign the Reproductive Rights for All petition:
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people listening to the scanner and reading reddit:
• reported false shooting locations
• shared a hoax photo of the shooter
• shared false info about the number of shooters
but sure, let’s give every would-be Jack Ryan a pistol and see if that helps
“ALLOW US TO DEFEND OURSELVES & CARRY ON CAMPUS”
The Rock at Michigan State was repainted overnight with this message after Monday’s mass shooting. Before, it read “HOW MANY MORE?”
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Michigan’s COVID map looking like it slammed its whole thumb in the car door
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my parents trying to remember the name of that show on Netflix that I like
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I was fired for something COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING
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do you know how hard you have to fuck up to get subtweeted by Meijer Gardens?
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Bobcat Bonnie’s showing you how to handle a 1-star review
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girls from Flint have a certain genessee quoi
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leave Twitter because it’s broken and could collapse at any point? babe, I’m a Michigan State football fan
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if my alma mater could stop being a national embarrassment for five goddamn minutes I would greatly appreciate it
@LarryLage
What’s up with
@MSU_Football
putting Hitler on the scoreboard during a pre game trivia game. Just wrong.
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getting your news from twitter is so surreal because people in other parts of the world are just doing their regular Valentines Day shit while our community is working through a massive tragedy
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at this point, 90 percent of the US economy is Taylor Swift and giant Home Depot skeletons
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2024 presidential hopefuls training for an early Michigan primary:
News: It's Michigan.
Mich is poised to replace Iowa as an early nominating state for Democrats in 2024, per senior officials.
Will be formally taken up by DNC this weekend, but the White House has decided.
I first reported Mich was being eyed here:
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parents please check your Halloween candy
my daughter just bit into a Milky Way and found an anonymously sourced clickbait article about MSU hiring Urban Meyer
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can’t wait to see out-of-state candidates campaigning in Michigan in February wearing the last available winter coat from Meijers
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newly released security footage from the Dallas Zoo:
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@lairbones
glad you found it on here! everyone who knows you has been telling me you’re a stand-up guy
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my new hero is this 11-year-old whose pig painting generated 5,600 internal emails at her school. an absolute legend
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And here's a time someone came to our house and met our dogs:
Our dogs make friends even when we’re not home.
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drivers in Detroit are built different. you’ll be doing 80 in a 50 and someone in a Buick Skylark will pass you like it’s nothing
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good morning! I’m just gonna take a big sip of coffee and see what’s going on in South Lansing
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once again trolling our northern Michigan lake house neighbors with the gayest floaties available
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she doesn’t even go here
Guys I'm from Michigan and I'm here to inform you that Minnesota is not the Midwest. It is Canada Lite and might as well be a different planet
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Lansing is a 21st century city that is well positioned to play a big role in the knowledge economy and also sometimes we have to put a big pipe in the road because ground too hot
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I’m fully vaxxed, but I’m going to wear a mask in public for a while, no matter what the CDC says, because it’s the easiest way to let people know I’m on Team Still Taking This Seriously
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fixed it for you.
I am not qualified to determine the veracity of these studies. That requires medical professionals. However, these claims beg the question why the medical community in America (or MI) isn't at least vigorously investigating?
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let Tim and Sam host the Detroit Thanksgiving parade you cowards
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good thing it’s raining because you want to get a good base layer of ice under your 8 inches of snow
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every journalist in Michigan seeing the logo on Peter Meijer’s campaign announcement
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oh crap a bunch more bad stuff just happened
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what could be so urgent that you’re cutting me off on Saginaw Highway? is your Kohl’s Cash expiring?
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shoutout to all the parents whose kids ruin all the fun Spotify trends
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gotta get Big Gretch to do a keg stand
Gov. Wes Moore shotgunning a beer with Ravens tailgaters
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mfers looks like they’re about to tell me about Best Buy’s sexual harassment policy
Shane Hernandez
@Shernandez4rep
and I today launched our campaign to defeat Gretchen Whitmer. United, we will win and repair the damage she has done to our families, students, and businesses.
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MSU parking enforcement remains undefeated
After dropping 23 today to lead Michigan State to a win over Marquette, Tyson Walker returned to campus to find his car had been towed 😂
📸:
@TysonWalker13
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Tudor Dixon to pregnant 14-year-olds:
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maybe instead of entering the senate race you should focus on entering some more SKUs in the system so the self checkout works right
I am excited to join the race for the United States Senate!
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wow, if only people had warned them for years that building an entire district’s economy on sandwich shops that close at 2pm was a bad idea
State workers largely happy working at home, to downtown Lansing's detriment
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opening up instagram the morning after the aurora borealis
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lots of dudes who can barely unload a dishwasher have thoughts on Simone Biles’ “commitment to the team”
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I didn’t realize that IPA stands for
I
Poisoned
A city
I think there was a missed opportunity for "Relentless Positive Saison" here CC:
@onetoughnerd
@LansingBrews
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just realized that the tuning knobs on the new logo are pine trees. they are literally pine knobs
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I dare y’all to walk into any football practice in America and tell the defensive coordinator to his face that he’s not a real coach and see how that goes for you
Walz was an ASSISTANT Coach, not a COACH.
Donald Trump Truth Social 10:36 PM EST 08/22/24
@realDonaldTrump
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me after I buy the $98.70 genetic analyzer from MSU Surplus:
It is Friday, which means the store is open until 3:30PM! Today we have buy one, get one free office chairs, $5 planters, & genetic analyzers are now 93% off.
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when the hibachi chef does the onion volcano
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Deja Vu Lansing y’all are wild for this one
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make up your mind, do you want kids going into the trades or not?
A 12-year-old boy is in trouble with the law after allegedly stealing a large construction vehicle equipped with a forklift and leading Ann Arbor police on a long, slow-speed chase over the weekend.
More here:
🎥 Ann Arbor Police
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the lake, it is said,
never gives up her dead
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BREAKING: GM to vacate its longtime Detroit headquarters.
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Oh, y'all are still here? If you need a distraction from *gestures at everything* I'll thread some other fun tweets. Here's a video I made with some friends about our hometown of Lansing, Mich
Good morning,
#Lansing
! We here at the
#LansingFact
Institute made a tourism video to showcase all our great neighborhoods (and finally figure out this whole Frandor thing.)
#LoveLansing
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I saw someone complaining about Michigan drivers being slow at the green light, and this is exactly it. I’m not trying to get t-boned by a 2009 Chevy Impala
Idk I’m from Detroit even when my light green i wait a second to make sure nobody bout to blow that bitch
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Colleges welcoming students back to campus during a pandemic
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Lansing Fireworks Enthusiasts:
READ THE FUCKING ROOM
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a lot of people are making fun of George Santos but I thought he did a pretty good job on New Girl
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if you’re ever feeling imposter syndrome just remember that the president of a Big Ten university tried conducting an improper relationship through his work email
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major airports: it will take you 45 minutes to get through security, then it’s a 2.4 mile walk to gate 73-a where your flight departs
Lansing Airport: it will take you three minutes to through security. your flight departs from gate 4 and you’re already there
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ain’t no rules says a dog can’t coach football
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Ok, that's all for now. Be excellent to each other.
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stranger to me at Meijers: fire up!
me, flustered, forgot that I put on a CMU shirt: and with your spirit
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tubthumping by chumbawamba
beyoncé agrees to perform ONE song at your birthday party. what song would you choose😭?
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I love the Broad Museum (East Lansing) not just as an architectural feat, but also for how it infuriates a certain subset of the local population
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people will go on Lansing Foodies and type shit like “I had a Suzy’s Colorado Buffalo Burger at Suzy’s Diner in Denver. can anyone recommend a place to get one in Lansing?”
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“there’s nothing to do in Lansing”
buddy, I grew up in Mt. Pleasant
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