YEAR 1 OF DOING COMEDY: omg this is so fun YEAR 2: man this is hard but so fun YEAR 3: I mean I’m still having fun but am I getting better YEAR 4: ........ YEAR 5: not sure if I’ve ever written one joke

As New Campaign Implores Him to 'Pass the Torch,' Biden Rejects Calls to Drop Out d https://www.commondreams.org/news/biden-staying-in-race I

RT @illuminariumto: Details 👇️ @usamastandsup is joining us for a night of laughter at Illuminarium. Don't miss this one-night event 🎤…

@pranahaha *joins group*

Some of these white girls need more Pokémon gym badges these dogs of yours are not listening to any of your commands lol

@pranahaha I can’t believe I know exactly what this means

The exception, of course, is black dudes - they were all up in DBZ AND them cheeks

Being an adult is realizing that cats > dogs. If you’re a dog person over 35 it’s like grow up

Replaying Metroid Prime, so so so good, and really shouldn’t be played by anyone under 21, this is an adult game that requires reading and stuff, if you don’t scan every single insect and read the goddamn Pokédex on it you’re playing the game wronggg

@tweetingdouche Nah just the one bro!

HOW TO BE HOT: never smile, not once in your life. keep a slight smolder constantly, every waking moment until you’re a corpse. A hot corpse.

My mom to me when I used to ask for candy at the cashier counter

RT @Shakeira_C: You don’t know enough about other cultures to be having this conversation

RT @vailcomedyfest: Please! No photos.... #vail #comedy #vailcomedy #funny #laughs #colorado @UsamaStandsUp

Every soccer team’s manager looks like he hasn’t slept in 25 years

@killjoye2008 Hahah appreciate you!

Lol people leaving Twitter. Y’all know Zuckerberg also sucks right

Pho > ramen. No questions as this time please