Barroom Hero 🇮🇪 🦬
@UnIxphysco
Followers
13,063
Following
5,174
Media
420
Statuses
121,129
💎 Luxury Comedy 💎 People Running Round and People Making Love
☕ shop on the edge of a 🌋
Joined July 2011
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Pinned Tweet
If she likes candy corn she'll put anything in her mouth
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Instead of sending women dick pics, I send pics of me vacuuming and doing dishes
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I take my dick pics next to doll furniture because I need every advantage I can get
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You don't need a computer to play the new Oregon Trail. Just don't vaccinate your family
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I can't wait till summer so I can be drunk but outside
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I'm not even sure how eyebrows are suppose to look anymore
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I'll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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I'm an asshole but I cut the rings on 6packs so animals don't get stuck
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I often wonder how many girls named Krystal are on meth
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Twitter - These people are similar to yourself
Me - No, I want to follow someone funny
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Women belong in the kitchen, eating the dinner I spent all day preparing for them
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There's no better feeling than rolling over in the morning and seeing the face of the one you love
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Date someone you'd be proud to introduce to your dog
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I hate when I'm watching TV but can't hear it bc I'm eating chips
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
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I hate it when I get all the way to work and realize I left my will to live on the counter
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Nudes are like baseball cards, if everyone has yours they are worthless
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I don't think flames are suppose to shoot out of my lawnmower but it's pretty badass
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Twitter needs a dislike button, to take some people down a few notches
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How does anyone over 30 manage to stay awake past 9 p.m.?
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Someone from Craigslist is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me
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If your butt itches it means someone on Twitter is thinking about you
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I did a budget and it just says, "don't buy anything"
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Hey guys, a lot of sexy women follow me because I don't harass them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Imagine falling in love and finding out they love you back
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It's like my gf always says.. something something blah blah blah
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My High School guidance counselor told me I could be anything I wanted, so I'm an asshole
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How to be a handsome man
Have a 2 ft dick
A 39 pack of abs
Have saws for hands
Don't have a moustache
Be Jason Momoa
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Artisan water is made from the tears of art majors who can't find a job
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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My summer body is looking like I'll need to rely on my personality
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I'd rather have the shower curtain touch me than you
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Can I put "sex" on my Christmas wishlist because I'd really like someone to give me that
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Threw a rock at a dove just to see what Prince was on about
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I don't think some of you realize that we can read what you tweet
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I wish I was hot enough to tweet selfies to gain followers
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I love independent women, they kill their own spiders
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My ancestors use to track animals for food, I track Amazon packages
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I like to valet park my 95 dodge neon and tell the guy not to dent it
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Thanks for posting another selfie, you've changed so much in the last 5 mins
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No one will text you back faster than an angry woman
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Kids, it's a beautiful day. Bring your iPads outside
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I love Twitter. Everyone is so kind and caring toward each other.
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Masturbation is a great way to get in touch with yourself
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She'll replace you with a vibrator, and a box of wine, if you're not careful
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It's like chicks these days don't care that I was in a rock band in 8th grade
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I feel a lot safer now that they removed the gun emoji
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I'm just looking for that special someone who drinks too much
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My lips, tits and ass are real and no one gives a shit
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I have both a Biggie and 2pac t-shirt but I keep them at opposite ends of the drawer, so shit doesn't go down
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My dog is either barking and growling at nothing, or I'm about to be murdered
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I had a small sundae instead of a large, so I'm pretty sure I'm in ketosis now
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Forever 21 is my go-to for picking up 45 year old moms that are in denial
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Your DMs aren't broken, it's just that no one likes you
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My ex was a screamer....
"Where's my money!"
"Why can't you be more like Steve!"
"Did you put the garbage out!"
"I hate you!"
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