brought brownies in for all my co workers. wasn’t cos i was being nice but cos i heard they were doing a random drugs test and i didn’t want to be the only dirty one so unless they plan on firing the whole staff force they better leave me the fuck alone
phillip schofield lies to his wife and kids for 27 years and he’s labelled brave and a hero but when i lie to the missus about being on the gear one weekend i’m a cunt... double standards
injury lawyers 4 u are shit. when our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take photos of her gash. guess who’s in court tomorrow
2019 stats:
drug intake: approx 118g
unpaid tick: £37.53
stole from sons money box: £94.52
paid son back: £0
lasses met on tinder: 27
lasses shagged from tinder: 27
written warnings: 7
turtle heads: 23
boxers with skid marks: 23
near scraps: 207
actual scraps: 1
scraps won: 0
last thing russia wants is a bloke like me on the front line. nimble. quick hands. high score of 987 on them boxing machines. neighbours cower behind the curtains when i walk through the estate. unfortunately done my back in at work last week so will have to give it a miss. sick.
i went up to a random ginger lad and asked “if you had 7 girls phone numbers in one pocket and 8 in the other, what would you have?” he said “id have 15 girls phone numbers” i said “wrong, you’d have someone else’s trousers on you ginger cunt”
met this lass on tinder. went round her house. she wanted to watch im a celeb. fair enough. went to toilet. came back without buttoning pants. crept behind her. shouted theres a snake. she turned. slapped her across face with cock. kicked me out. next bus isn’t for an hour. sick.
shocked and appalled. these are false and malicious rumours put out by the public to tarnish my reputation. absolutely outraged so would like to make it clear that i am NOT a spurs fan.
the neighbours cat shit on my drive one time so i unleashed a clip of bb bullets into him resulting in an assination an a dead cat buried in back garden. when questioned i denied all allegations which lead to a nationwide man hunt with a £50 reward so i dug up cat an claimed £50.
son just got home. had strange smell on him. told him to empty his pockets. shock. suspicions confirmed. pack of sterling duals. disgrace to the family. i didn’t raise no fanny. this is strictly an amber leaf household. sent him straight to bed with no dinner the fuckin weasel.
pulled sicky. 3rd one this month. left gaffa short staffed. furious. told me to expect a drug test. told him to expect a sick note. game of cat n mouse. he needs me. drug test has been dropped. mug. in garden now. few cans. feet up. fancy a bag. might get 2. nowt daft. happy days
fuck off becky i didn’t give a fuck which disney character you were the first time and a definitely don’t want ya to post it another 3 times cos ya didn’t like the answer ya fuckin skank
got paid a week ago. skint already. gutted. only joy in my life is opening my advent calendar. opened door 2. shock. bailiff stood there. tellys been repossessed. days ruined. phoning sick into work.
staff xmas night out. in pub. lynn looked fit. start crackin on. was goin well. got her a drink. told her bout the time i chinned an alpaca. went to toilet. came back. saw her talkin to kev. went nuts. tipped table. drinks flyin. work force in meltdown. got meetin in morn. sick.
my lass wouldn’t shag me one time so i went to the bathroom to crack out a wank but as i was about to spunk the dog pushes the door open and suddenly a shameful wank turned into giving the dog a facial an i was victim to beastality.
interview. smashed it. described multiple scenarios where i came on top against fire. displayed core strength by doin pull up on door frame. gaffa loved it. offered job there an then. you’re looking at the newest member of the north east fire brigade. a hero. protector. legend.
met a lass on tinder. went back to hers. things start heating up. get her in bed. start munching her minge from behind. nose accidentally touched her hoop. she clenched her cheeks an says “got your nose”. too stunned to speak. stood up and left room. feel violated. wanna go home.
in pub. champions league. packed. loads of fanny. in smokin area. asked lass to get her tupperware box out in toilets. she tells me piss off. fridgid cunt. back inside now. shadow boxing next to big screen. like a prime ricky hatton. could of went pro if i didn’t do my back in.
xmas eve. left everythin till last minute. went down asda to get veg. hectic. got into dispute with woman over last pack of parsnips. told her only parsnip she’s gettin is mine up her minge. she filed complaint to staff. got evicted from store. barred for life. still no veg. sick
if you play dance monkey at 11:56:29 PM tonight it’s perfect because the song will end right before midnight in 2019 and we can leave it the fuck there because that’s where it belongs.
gay boy in my dms. tells me he thinks i have a massive cock. he’s right. asks me to show. i decline. calls me borin. don’t like that. get cock out. he screenshots. posts on facebook. my lass sees. posts in whats app group. laughing stock of family. punched hole in wall. feel shit
back to graft. can’t be fucked. place stinks of despair an bitterness. small talk in staff room is at an all time low. anne asked me if i had a nice christmas. i snapped. told her not to talk to me and that i hope her cat dies. she tears up an told gaffa. disciplinary incoming.
single. had enough of the lies. no lass of mine is gana be getting exotic willy while am doin a gruelling 3 hour shift on shop floor. packed her bags. saw her out door with farewell shadow box. waterworks were on. i continue to shadow box as she walks down street. good riddens.
brought bit fanny home. 3 bags deep. softy. thumb it in anyway. windows open. she screaming on like an f1 car. wake up. letter in door. neighbour. tells is to keep me slags quiet cos they thought lewis hamilton was bombin about the estate. dog was goin nuts. not my fuckin problem
home. fruity smell in air. suspicions rise. sprint upstairs. search eldests room. suspicions confirmed. fuckin elf bar. sons a goth. fuming. worst possible news. pacing round kitchen. throwing jabs into air. son locked in bathroom. dog cowering in cage. household at tipping point
my love island application:
name: lez
age: 44
about me: married with 3 kids. head of the morrisons security team. love lasses an lasses love me. once chinned an alpaca an high score of 987 on that boxing machine. smoke 20 a day an will still blow you off your feet.
#loveIsland
flyer from work. off to barbers. turks. end of trim. bloke asks if i want a line. thought fuck me not that bad in here. course i said yes. bam. slit in eyebrow. look like am bout to step in the love island villa. lads takin piss. dave rolled up a 20 an sniffed eyebrow. pissed off
official. verified. good to see recognition of hardest bloke in north don’t go unnoticed on elon twitter. go to pay for pint. decline. bollocks. had £7 in bank. check app. SCAM. £6.99 has left account. launch empty pint glass at wall in fit of fury. smashes. evicted. day ruined.
new chinese in village. feelin adventurous. give it try. enter shop. red flags. no golden dancing cat. served by english woman. no sign of a 10 year old kid doin a level math homework. place looks clean. fuck this. want no part. gunna be shit. bail on order. gettin crate instead.
son just got home. noticed his eyes were red. asked him why. he told me it’s cos he’d been smoking weed. called him a lying prick and said it’s cos you’ve been crying that you’re a little ginger cunt
in beer garden. sweatin like gemma collins after she runs to the door to meet the takeaway driver. gaz been hidin in shade. ginger prick. could never be me. i stand tall an embrace the sun. sun burn does not phase me. i stare directly at sun an shadow box to show my lack of fear.
bank hol. lass says quiet weekend. hid the keys. isolation. scraping by on bottle of echo falls. rang dealer. told him the situation. he’s here. got ladders out van. impersonating a window cleaner. met him at window. bag secured. lass wonderin why he only did one window. spastic.
popped in sports direct. polo caught me eye. slazenger. red. take top off. give it a try. throw some punches in mirror. perfect. allows me to move freely while lookin stylish. walk to till with top still on. get lass to scan me back. walk out lookin like new man. on way pub now.
met dealer. sampled a few. get home. lass asks me to do school run. stood in yard waiting. coke kickin in. paranoia sets. hear ellies dad sniggerin. sure it’s about my eyebrow. lamped him there and then. teachers rush. banned from future pick ups. social services involved. sick.
grafting. news hits staff room. queen on way out. i address the elephant in the room. do we get a day off. gaffa says no. fuckin scandalous. waited years for this. being robbed of what am owed. my taxes fund this day off. getting onto the union about this. absolute fuckin joke.