No Context UK 🇬🇧
@UKNoContext
Followers
266,746
Following
84
Media
406
Statuses
4,015
- All the funniest U.K. related content here
United Kingdom
Joined June 2019
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
baekhyun
• 550706 Tweets
Linkin Park
• 172936 Tweets
Adalet
• 167492 Tweets
Chester
• 89703 Tweets
小泉進次郎
• 77636 Tweets
ベイマックス
• 64018 Tweets
#INZM_HyperBandLive
• 38821 Tweets
知的レベル
• 37804 Tweets
#Mステ
• 37480 Tweets
雇用統計
• 35316 Tweets
資さんうどん
• 34412 Tweets
Game Day
• 34058 Tweets
#Number_1
• 33364 Tweets
大阪府警
• 30567 Tweets
すかいらーく
• 30374 Tweets
#笑うマトリョーシカ
• 28352 Tweets
#りかしぃ3D
• 28249 Tweets
Hyper Band Live M/V
• 19902 Tweets
神ちゃん
• 18109 Tweets
JC GOT NO CONTROL
• 14110 Tweets
佐藤勝利
• 12594 Tweets
ビーズリー
• 10596 Tweets
brought brownies in for all my co workers. wasn’t cos i was being nice but cos i heard they were doing a random drugs test and i didn’t want to be the only dirty one so unless they plan on firing the whole staff force they better leave me the fuck alone
340
22K
107K
“dad i’m walking out at wembely on play off finals day can i get a new pair of trainers? no son wear your school shoes”
1K
4K
62K
if i had a pound for every time he looked at me i’d have 50p
591
5K
51K
phillip schofield lies to his wife and kids for 27 years and he’s labelled brave and a hero but when i lie to the missus about being on the gear one weekend i’m a cunt... double standards
403
6K
50K
rather just stick my cock down your throat to be honest jena
661
5K
46K
injury lawyers 4 u are shit. when our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take photos of her gash. guess who’s in court tomorrow
513
5K
43K
just tested positive for wanting to slide tackle a goth
454
5K
42K
2019 stats:
drug intake: approx 118g
unpaid tick: £37.53
stole from sons money box: £94.52
paid son back: £0
lasses met on tinder: 27
lasses shagged from tinder: 27
written warnings: 7
turtle heads: 23
boxers with skid marks: 23
near scraps: 207
actual scraps: 1
scraps won: 0
367
4K
42K
we need a gulag for when cunts get kicked out of nightclubs winner gets back in
215
5K
39K
last thing russia wants is a bloke like me on the front line. nimble. quick hands. high score of 987 on them boxing machines. neighbours cower behind the curtains when i walk through the estate. unfortunately done my back in at work last week so will have to give it a miss. sick.
273
3K
37K
i went up to a random ginger lad and asked “if you had 7 girls phone numbers in one pocket and 8 in the other, what would you have?” he said “id have 15 girls phone numbers” i said “wrong, you’d have someone else’s trousers on you ginger cunt”
439
4K
36K
put MDMA in nanas tea so she could chew her dinner properly, absolute legend i am
212
4K
36K
if her nails cost £35 send her £34.98 and get her friend to send the 2 pence they always put in
109
4K
32K
drugs are for mugs, mugs are for tea, T is for tapping my cock on your forehead till i spunk all over you and the settee
468
3K
29K
empty mdma into your kfc for a zinger pinger jaw swinger
308
4K
30K
met this lass on tinder. went round her house. she wanted to watch im a celeb. fair enough. went to toilet. came back without buttoning pants. crept behind her. shouted theres a snake. she turned. slapped her across face with cock. kicked me out. next bus isn’t for an hour. sick.
217
2K
25K
rare footage of one of my scraps. people underestimate the power an speed in my fists.
1K
1K
25K
sick of saying “shit i forgot my mask” feel like fucking batman
35
2K
25K
shocked and appalled. these are false and malicious rumours put out by the public to tarnish my reputation. absolutely outraged so would like to make it clear that i am NOT a spurs fan.
232
2K
24K
government shutting down pubs and restaurants to encourage social distancing but asda is like fucking creamfields
54
3K
23K
the neighbours cat shit on my drive one time so i unleashed a clip of bb bullets into him resulting in an assination an a dead cat buried in back garden. when questioned i denied all allegations which lead to a nationwide man hunt with a £50 reward so i dug up cat an claimed £50.
204
2K
23K
theres 3.8 billion woman on this planet so why isn’t it clean yet?
228
3K
22K
imagine pulling anal beads out of a girl so fast she spins away like a beyblade
220
2K
22K
ever see a photo of someone else’s christmas dinner and think thank fuck am not in that family
88
2K
21K
yo it’s the hyperman set, i just checked my online banking and i’m in debt
116
4K
21K
first thing i’m going to do when this lockdown is over is punch a ginger
1K
2K
20K
son just got home. had strange smell on him. told him to empty his pockets. shock. suspicions confirmed. pack of sterling duals. disgrace to the family. i didn’t raise no fanny. this is strictly an amber leaf household. sent him straight to bed with no dinner the fuckin weasel.
218
2K
19K
dunno who this caitlyn is but she’s the only half decent bird on im a celeb this year. would shag
142
1K
19K
wearing stone island to the family chrismtas meal just in case anyone wants sparking out
262
2K
19K
girlfriend uses cheat day to eat cake but i just use it to shag her sister
71
925
18K
hope my ex made it through the night cos dogs are scared of fireworks aren’t they
56
2K
18K
haven’t touched chinese food since they gave us covid. now i’m off the vodka. please don’t do anything wrong columbia.
136
1K
17K
pulled sicky. 3rd one this month. left gaffa short staffed. furious. told me to expect a drug test. told him to expect a sick note. game of cat n mouse. he needs me. drug test has been dropped. mug. in garden now. few cans. feet up. fancy a bag. might get 2. nowt daft. happy days
216
765
16K
fuck off becky i didn’t give a fuck which disney character you were the first time and a definitely don’t want ya to post it another 3 times cos ya didn’t like the answer ya fuckin skank
81
2K
16K
got barred from bingo last night. every time someone shouted line i would run over with a rolled up £20 note
109
1K
15K
why they building it up like an underdogs fa cup run
135
713
15K
got paid a week ago. skint already. gutted. only joy in my life is opening my advent calendar. opened door 2. shock. bailiff stood there. tellys been repossessed. days ruined. phoning sick into work.
75
2K
15K
staff xmas night out. in pub. lynn looked fit. start crackin on. was goin well. got her a drink. told her bout the time i chinned an alpaca. went to toilet. came back. saw her talkin to kev. went nuts. tipped table. drinks flyin. work force in meltdown. got meetin in morn. sick.
117
582
15K
my lass wouldn’t shag me one time so i went to the bathroom to crack out a wank but as i was about to spunk the dog pushes the door open and suddenly a shameful wank turned into giving the dog a facial an i was victim to beastality.
215
1K
14K
is it ok if you’re 44?
75
869
14K
coronavirus is just a distraction from bigger issues at hand like fat lasses that still wear leggings and people that send streaks on snapchat
61
2K
14K
when you’re at an afters and all the sofas are taken
61
1K
14K
interview. smashed it. described multiple scenarios where i came on top against fire. displayed core strength by doin pull up on door frame. gaffa loved it. offered job there an then. you’re looking at the newest member of the north east fire brigade. a hero. protector. legend.
366
281
13K
158
612
13K
met a lass on tinder. went back to hers. things start heating up. get her in bed. start munching her minge from behind. nose accidentally touched her hoop. she clenched her cheeks an says “got your nose”. too stunned to speak. stood up and left room. feel violated. wanna go home.
230
785
13K
only fans but i just post pictures of man united fans
only pakistan’s
134
876
12K
in pub. champions league. packed. loads of fanny. in smokin area. asked lass to get her tupperware box out in toilets. she tells me piss off. fridgid cunt. back inside now. shadow boxing next to big screen. like a prime ricky hatton. could of went pro if i didn’t do my back in.
159
575
12K
xmas eve. left everythin till last minute. went down asda to get veg. hectic. got into dispute with woman over last pack of parsnips. told her only parsnip she’s gettin is mine up her minge. she filed complaint to staff. got evicted from store. barred for life. still no veg. sick
122
1K
12K
if you play dance monkey at 11:56:29 PM tonight it’s perfect because the song will end right before midnight in 2019 and we can leave it the fuck there because that’s where it belongs.
95
2K
12K
adam johnson 2016 and prince andrew 2019
73
1K
11K
gay boy in my dms. tells me he thinks i have a massive cock. he’s right. asks me to show. i decline. calls me borin. don’t like that. get cock out. he screenshots. posts on facebook. my lass sees. posts in whats app group. laughing stock of family. punched hole in wall. feel shit
202
372
11K
back to graft. can’t be fucked. place stinks of despair an bitterness. small talk in staff room is at an all time low. anne asked me if i had a nice christmas. i snapped. told her not to talk to me and that i hope her cat dies. she tears up an told gaffa. disciplinary incoming.
100
1K
11K
single. had enough of the lies. no lass of mine is gana be getting exotic willy while am doin a gruelling 3 hour shift on shop floor. packed her bags. saw her out door with farewell shadow box. waterworks were on. i continue to shadow box as she walks down street. good riddens.
275
341
11K
Me when I’m number 71 in McDonald’s and the staff member calls out 70 & 72
62
680
11K
brought bit fanny home. 3 bags deep. softy. thumb it in anyway. windows open. she screaming on like an f1 car. wake up. letter in door. neighbour. tells is to keep me slags quiet cos they thought lewis hamilton was bombin about the estate. dog was goin nuts. not my fuckin problem
254
413
11K
home. fruity smell in air. suspicions rise. sprint upstairs. search eldests room. suspicions confirmed. fuckin elf bar. sons a goth. fuming. worst possible news. pacing round kitchen. throwing jabs into air. son locked in bathroom. dog cowering in cage. household at tipping point
197
568
11K
my love island application:
name: lez
age: 44
about me: married with 3 kids. head of the morrisons security team. love lasses an lasses love me. once chinned an alpaca an high score of 987 on that boxing machine. smoke 20 a day an will still blow you off your feet.
#loveIsland
231
650
11K
it’s an english tradation when you drop something to tell it to fuck off before picking it up again.
19
1K
10K
84
633
10K
pubs going to be stinking of siksilk tomorrow think ill wait a couple weeks
57
1K
10K
when you’re sucking a bic pen in school and it bursts in your mouth
37
488
10K
a pint in the beer garden an a lass that doesn’t get their tuna tin out on the internet
117
283
10K
flyer from work. off to barbers. turks. end of trim. bloke asks if i want a line. thought fuck me not that bad in here. course i said yes. bam. slit in eyebrow. look like am bout to step in the love island villa. lads takin piss. dave rolled up a 20 an sniffed eyebrow. pissed off
142
484
10K
official. verified. good to see recognition of hardest bloke in north don’t go unnoticed on elon twitter. go to pay for pint. decline. bollocks. had £7 in bank. check app. SCAM. £6.99 has left account. launch empty pint glass at wall in fit of fury. smashes. evicted. day ruined.
86
278
10K
telling ya now if we don’t bang 4 in this second half that american sweet shop down the street is fucking getting it
78
552
10K
lass asked me if i can clear the table and it took a bit of a run up but i fucking did it
29
804
10K
just scanned my cock at the self checkout by mistake
105
1K
10K
i run up every set of stairs in public to let everyone know am in peak physical fitness and not to fuck with me
31
632
9K
imagine carrying a child for 9 month just to name it joe
757
1K
9K
me after 1 pint
109
806
9K
new chinese in village. feelin adventurous. give it try. enter shop. red flags. no golden dancing cat. served by english woman. no sign of a 10 year old kid doin a level math homework. place looks clean. fuck this. want no part. gunna be shit. bail on order. gettin crate instead.
107
273
9K
son just got home. noticed his eyes were red. asked him why. he told me it’s cos he’d been smoking weed. called him a lying prick and said it’s cos you’ve been crying that you’re a little ginger cunt
79
884
9K
a will fuckin take the eifel tower down with me bare hands
87
974
9K
what my cock says to your minge before it dives in
130
534
9K
week 1 without the pub: just spiked my youngins can of coke with a blue punisher
79
911
9K
in beer garden. sweatin like gemma collins after she runs to the door to meet the takeaway driver. gaz been hidin in shade. ginger prick. could never be me. i stand tall an embrace the sun. sun burn does not phase me. i stare directly at sun an shadow box to show my lack of fear.
112
357
9K
sick of people making up types of weed. what’s going to be next fucking spaghetti bollahaze
75
1K
9K
bank hol. lass says quiet weekend. hid the keys. isolation. scraping by on bottle of echo falls. rang dealer. told him the situation. he’s here. got ladders out van. impersonating a window cleaner. met him at window. bag secured. lass wonderin why he only did one window. spastic.
142
438
9K
popped in sports direct. polo caught me eye. slazenger. red. take top off. give it a try. throw some punches in mirror. perfect. allows me to move freely while lookin stylish. walk to till with top still on. get lass to scan me back. walk out lookin like new man. on way pub now.
122
278
9K
met dealer. sampled a few. get home. lass asks me to do school run. stood in yard waiting. coke kickin in. paranoia sets. hear ellies dad sniggerin. sure it’s about my eyebrow. lamped him there and then. teachers rush. banned from future pick ups. social services involved. sick.
115
322
9K
told my lass a spent £400 on a jacket when a never, a spent £400 on gear and me pal gave me his jacket
63
630
9K
grafting. news hits staff room. queen on way out. i address the elephant in the room. do we get a day off. gaffa says no. fuckin scandalous. waited years for this. being robbed of what am owed. my taxes fund this day off. getting onto the union about this. absolute fuckin joke.
94
484
9K