Tom Segura AKA Mr. Ladybug
@tomsegura
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I have 4 specials on Netflix. podcast here: You can Merch up here:
Los Angeles
Joined December 2008
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The first leg of my new tour COME TOGETHER is here!Tickets available on presale this Wednesday, November 15 at 10AM local with code TOMMY. General sale begins this Friday, November 17 at 10AM local. If you don’t see your city – I’ll get there.
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Hey, what THE FUCK?!
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Far worse than the loss of life is the loss of a super car. There are billions of people on earth. There were only 375 P1's produced. People are replaceable, this isn't. 🙏
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Fuck Will Smith's candy ass smacking a dude 4 inches shorter and 50lbs lighter. He's just in his feelings cause his bald headed bitch been fuckin around on him for years and he takes it. We all know who he wishes he could slap.
#CuckWill
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The bitch BEEN bald. Jokes about it or her are FINE. It was tame AF. You super sensitive about it? Buy a FUCKIN WIG
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Hey Keaton, don't get to full or yourself with all this attention. I will fuck You up and there's not a thing that your mom or Lebron or Chris Evans can do about it.
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Lots of sensitive folks in my mentions. I'd like to remind you all to suck my dick. It's a little sensitive too 😘
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Dude. I mean this makes me cry laughing. 😂😂😂😂
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What the fuck?! Jerry isn't allowed to be a Tupac fan?
Jerry Foxhoven, the director of Iowa's Department of Human Services, was told to resign for being an outspoken 2Pac fan.
Foxhoven regularly emailed employees inspirational 2Pac quotes and images:
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While we're calling people out, can we take a moment to address what
@bertkreischer
has been doing to dogs for YEARS?! The man has had intimate relations with nearly every breed and it's disgusting.
#BertFucksDogs
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Just landed in NYC you dusty bald headed bitches! See you at the shows with a 🔥surprise!
#StaySeated
😂😂
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This is an elected official in the United States of America
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This is just unbelievable. The acting, fight coordination, lighting (or lack thereof), the obvious and wildly inaccurate stunt doubles, the shit audio, total neglect by Seagal for his physical body and any type of respect for his craft...amazing!
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Walked in the house and my 6-year old said, "Look, it's the world famous daddy shitbag, toilet water."
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@MrBeast
I will use the money to support Onlyfans content creators and hopefully buy access to every account on the platform. I'll then watch every video and announce my favorite from the White House.
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Adele lost a bunch of weight and people started tweeting how great she looks and then a bunch of other people started tweeting that we shouldn't associate losing weight with beauty and nothing summarizes Twitter or 2020 better than that.
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To everyone complaining about Louis C.K. being back in comedy clubs, I'd like to ask you sincerely, where exactly is he supposed to cum?
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LOL you fully endorsed it!
Fuck Will Smith 🤙🏼
The Academy does not condone violence of any form.
Tonight we are delighted to celebrate our 94th Academy Awards winners, who deserve this moment of recognition from their peers and movie lovers around the world.
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Where's the racism? This is about a comedian and a bitch
White comedians jumping out heavy with the racism today it’s fuckin nuts
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That's me
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So true!
Vladimir Putin said today about Hillary and Dems: "In my opinion, it is humiliating. One must be able to lose with dignity." So true!
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Don't ever quit unless something is really hard
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Let's be honest - JRE is not the place to get a read on these candidates. If you want to know what direction the country is going to go in
@JoeBiden
&
@realDonaldTrump
need to come on YMH and watch our clips and Toks.
#tryitout
#dontbestingy
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They used a photoshop of me without eyebrows for promo 😂😂😂
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I will be donating $10,000 to
@TrevorProject
as a thank you to Westboro Baptist Church for protesting my show 🤙🏼😂🏳️🌈
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It's been quite the ride witnessing someone devolve to the point where they are spewing this. Also this is the President Of The United States.
#Neato
Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur. 75 year old Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan police communications in order to black out the equipment.
@OANN
I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming scanner. Could be a set up?
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I'm so over people like this getting attention. We need to highlight IG models, actors and SoundCloud rappers. Not this science nonsense.
3 years ago MIT grad student Katie Bouman led the creation of a new algorithm to produce the first-ever image of a black hole.
Today, that image was released.
More info:
2016 story:
#EHTblackhole
#EventHorizonTelescope
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I should probably say that if I've ever written a joke on Twitter or performed one on stage that offended someone, that person should eat my dads ass. He's 71. Get your life together and focus on what matters. It's not jokes. Happy New Year!
#HappyNewYear2019
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Happy to report that
@ChristinaP
gave birth to a happy, healthy non-gender specific baby this evening! She and baby are great. We can't wait to show XxxX-Rowe Segura the world!
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This is a great time to hit your kids as Child Protective Services are unable to fulfill their normal duties due to CORONAVIRUS restrictions.
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Dear
@TheAcademy
, I will jerk off 2 guys at the same time (of different races) and Make Them CUM while hosting your boring show in order to heal our nation.
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There are no such things as CHAMPIONS in your FAKE ASS SPORT! If you wanna do something real - get at me.
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Amazing, real-life moment where I capture one of my moms legendary farts. We go into great detail about it in episode 500 of YMH. She isn't happy that I'm posting this but I did pay her.
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My dream is to voice a black character and an Asian character on an animated show and show other white people how it's done.
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I mean I love you and I'm proud of you but you can't dance for shit
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Can you believe Instagram said they'd delete my account if i didn't delete these
@bertkreischer
? 🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
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The hardest part of living in Texas is pretending that Whataburger isn't dog shit.
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He's just SO dumb. "Miraculously disappear." You mean the states started counting mail ins when their state let them?
This is like when there's a blizzard and he says "what happened to global WARMING?!?"
I had such a big lead in all of these states late into election night, only to see the leads miraculously disappear as the days went by. Perhaps these leads will return as our legal proceedings move forward!
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Took an absolutely catastrophic shit on a regional plane just now. Wow. Total disaster. 4 flushes. Need a shower. Whole cabin is looking at me. Never been prouder.
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This is so legendary. I remember watching it. Norm was easily one of the best ever. So effortlessly funny. Total master. RIP
Never forget this Norm Macdonald appearance on Conan in 1997 — with Courtney Thorne-Smith.
Hilarious. All of it.
Rest In Peace, Norm…
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Ndamukong Suh watching that Garrett clip, nodding, "and that's how you play football."
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I was injured yesterday and it really sucks. I can't move. Multiple broken bones. Unfortunately this means I will not be able to do my shows this weekend in Phoenix. We are looking at rescheduling dates now. Will announce them when I can.
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So proud of Bert and so excited to get to talk on 2 Bears for a few months!
Alright, secret time. I’m not going to rehab. I’m headed to Serbia to shoot my FIRST FEATURE with
@hamillhimself
! More info to come
#TheMachineMovie
@Legendary
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Congrats to
@JimmyJohnson
on his
#HallofFame
induction! He blocked me years ago when I mistakenly speculated that he may have been in a sex video I saw where a man (who looked a lot like him) had his oil checked and scrum eaten by a nice blonde lady. Oh well, enjoy Canton, sir.
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Honestly, if you're triggered by words I feel for you. Stay home. In the dark. Don't get online and don't look outside. It's better that way.
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This documentary is making Ted Bundy sound like a really bad guy.
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Dozens of people telling me "Now is not the time" to tweet something unrelated to the news 👍🏼.
OKAY! Hey guys, storming the Capitol and rioting is BAD. You should not do that. Respect our laws and don't be violent. 👏
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A guy pulled his dick out and pissed at his seat during the last show. In a theater with people all around him 😧. Then the police came and took him away. 👮🏼♀️
Support live comedy.
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😂😂😂
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I took an ambien last night and nothing. Brain just shut off. Totally sober now and the Jews run the banks because the god damn Chinese will stab you in the back.
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How soon can you crank your hog after a vasectomy?
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As he should! Was ready to cancel him, but I'll wait a beat...
Chris Pratt apologizes for posing with single use plastic bottle
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Oh no! Not "the king" 😂
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Me
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OK guys I need ideas for tattoos to cover this thing up. this is my upper left arm by the way
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This one😂😂
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I gave Robert Kraft a blowjob for no money.
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Just spent the day with my parents and siblings and am currently unwinding with drinking, smoking, edibles + pills.
There's nothing like family!
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DK Metcalf chasing down Baker is flat out other level athleticism. I cannot get over how fast he is. Terrifying.
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Look at me. I'm better than anyone who hasn't voted and I'm better than anyone who has voted but hasn't told you or shown you that they voted.
#IVoted
#vote
#dontVoteTwice
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Piers curling those 5 pounders like a REAL MAN!
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It ain't Friday 😂😂🚭
Its Friday, scratch your balls and sniff your fingers.....its going to be a great day!
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Bert broke the stage 🥲
Due to a mechanical failure of the stage, my performances at First Interstate Center for the Arts on May 1, 2022 are unable to proceed as scheduled.
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Please stop blaming Garth for my injuries. Yes he's responsible for a lot of hurt and harm in this world but my pain is all my fault.
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Hey guys I checked and this is actually true
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This holiday season don't forget to
#toastsomeone
who means the world to you. It can be your
#firstwife
or your
#secondwife
or even your
#thirdwife
.
@SamuelAdamsBeer
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I'd rather "beat 12 cats to death with a hammer" than adopt your illogical nonsense.
Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations.
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It's still
#soberoctober
and we're still going strong 🤙🏼
Shout out to
@whoop
and my boy
@bertkreischer
- we're gettin after it every day!
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Thank you for all the messages. Surgery tomorrow! 🍻
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Go fuck your dad
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Please welcome the newest member of the Cool Guy Club 😎🏍️🎸
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They tried to charge me for milk on the side at
@Starbucks
and we almost had another comedian in the news (for a violent response!).
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Merry Christmas! Love and peace to all except for the Romans who brutally murdered our lord and savior. May hell rain upon them for eternity.
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