Tom Ballard
@TomCBallard
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Following
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Komedian. Touring GOOD POINT WELL MADE to UK/Europe in 2024. My special IT IS I out now on @800pgm . Co-host @SeriousDangerAU : a podcast about the @Greens .
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Joined April 2009
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Stop complaining ABC your job is easy just make great content with no money that everybody loves but that doesn’t compete with commercial media and fearlessly hold to account the people in government who control your budgets and don’t think you should exist
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After listening to the calls to boycott the
@Sydney_Festival
over its decision to accept funding from and partner with the Embassy of Israel, I have decided to withdraw from my scheduled performance at the Festival's Gala Comedy Night, in solidarity.
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If you put needles in strawberries, you are scaring children and YOU ARE A GRUB.
If you keep children on a prison island and make them want to kill themselves, you get a trophy.
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We have the dumbest media in the whole entire world
A big address from Anthony Albanese... but where's the Australian flag? 🧐🇦🇺
MORE:
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Credit to Morrison for not letting sex scandals distract his government from their focus on keeping people living below the poverty line
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To be fair it's pretty impressive that Alan Jones still hasn't died of shame
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Please don’t run me over
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The pile on against Margaret Court is a national disgrace & against all we cherish & celebrate in this country including free speech, freedom of religious values. Honouring high achievement at this time is important. Cancelling history is not the right path. Learning from it is.
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Imagine thinking you deserve credit for taking children out of a torture camp that you proudly funded and defended for years and after previously spending shitloads of money on court cases fighting the removal of children from that same torture camp no thanks into the bin
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If I were running for public office, I would simply know all the answers to all the questions, then everyone would like me and I would win.
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Imagine thinking of being banned from the Liberal Party for life as a punishment
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Hey
@TurnbullMalcolm
if you want advice on waiting a really long time to find out about your fate, ask a refugee on Nauru
#ausvotes
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Tough day for me as I identify as a stupid white bastard
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Getting more outraged by photoshopped war crimes than by actual war crimes
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Really hope the news about Israel bombing a UN school doesn’t distract everyone from how evil the Greens are!!!!
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I HEARBY ANNOUNCE MY CANDIDACY FOR ABC MANAGING DIRECTOR
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Fun fact: this is the first recorded incident of
@ScottMorrisonMP
expressing sympathy for boat people
Prime Minister Scott Morrison on
#AustraliaDay
: "It's all about acknowledging how far we've come. When those 12 ships turned up in Sydney, all those years ago, it wasn't a particularly flash day for the people on those vessels either."
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There should be a sixth
#QueerEye
guy who comes in at the end of every episode and says "You're unhappy because of capitalism and moisturiser isn't going to fix that. Gurl."
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I for one welcome the fact that the desire for Scott Morrison to go and get fucked stretches right across the political spectrum
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Thank goodness St Kevin’s didn’t sign up to Safe Schools otherwise their students might have been sexualised by perverts
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Australia has serious problems when it comes to structural racism, rampant climate denial and a brutal ruling class hellbent on crushing the collective power of ordinary people
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"Nothing breaks my heart more than when families fall apart," said the man who just announced that people on welfare during a recession will get less money.
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Everyone who’s arguing that the
@Greens
should just wave through Labor’s 43% reduction target has to explain why the
@climatecouncil
’s targets (75% by 2030, Net Zero by 2035) should be ignored, please and thank you
#auspol
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2021 has been a dogshit year in many ways, but it’s also the year I discovered that this photo of me exists.
Swings and roundabouts.
Merry Christmas everyone xx
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Palestinians should exclusively stick to *non-violent* forms of resistance, like boycotts, which supporters of Israel are famously very cool with.
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The only way this country will get better is if we force every kid who wanted to study humanities onto a building site, demand they slice their own berets in half with a circular saw and tell them to STOP crying and get to work building an investment property for a surgeon
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Imagine if it was your daughter who resigned to sit on the cross bench
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Hopefully they'll get around to condemning genocide soon fingers crossed
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I sincerely believe this man must need assistance to tie his own shoes
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Not good
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Yes because letting landlords squeeze renters as much as they like and drowning young people in student debt is evidence-supported, ideology-free and has no real-world consequences
Green’s push for a rent freeze is just like its calls for free higher education: defies the evidence, ideology driven, and without concern for real-world consequences.
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I love the Festival and I love telling jokes, but standing up for human rights and standing against a system of apartheid is more important.
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Really great to see the nation's leaders talk at length about whether or not tens of thousands of people should have gone to a protest that's already happened rather than describe literally anything they're going to do to stop the thing they were protesting about
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It’s impossible to articulate the enormous loss the comedy community is feeling today over the passing of
@calbowilson
.
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Gerard sits down to write a big serious opinion column and begins by imagining himself as a twink
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The suggestion that a man who oversaw the imprisonment of Muslim children in torture camps would ever consider capitalising on anti-Muslim sentiment is an ugly and repugnant lie.
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Look a lot of us have done a lot of talk about smashing capitalism but COVID’s actually done the work
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Bye everyone I am now dead
Who is this young upstart? I’ve never had a billboard. Where’s my billboard?
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I respectfully ask that
@sydney_festival
review its decision and return the funding in question, and I call on other artists to consider joining this boycott, too.
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Children should not be at the
#ClimateStrike
they should be in SCHOOL, LEARNING about the ancient primitive societies they will be recreating in the post-apocalyptic heat death hellworld
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It’s crazy how all the working class people in a seat cease to exist as soon as it’s won by The
@Greens
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It appears I have been both lampooned and skewered by Johannes Leak. I have brought great shame and dishonour upon my family.
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On higher wages, I trust the party of WorkChoices, penalty rate cuts and record low wage growth. On home ownership, I trust the party of negative gearing and the CGT discount that's lead by a guy who worked at the Property Council. I shall now set fire to my super. I am smart.
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Trying to end poverty is all fun and games until someone comes along and proposes something that might do it
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This is fucking glorious
that time piers morgan had on someone he thought would be an easy target to berate live on air but instead hilariously got his ass handed to him and was exposed for the fragile man-child he is. "you look like honey-glazed gammon" lmao
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Lol
It has also been revealed ABC chairman Justin Milne was furious about a
@Tonightly
sketch, and adamant
@TomCBallard
should immediately apologise on-air. The ABC's internal complaints unit and Acma cleared the
#Tonightly
sketch
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There are more than 116,000 homeless people in Australia
This Government’s unprecedented $270 billion investment in
#defence
capability over the next decade will equip
#YourADF
to help ensure peace, stability and prosperity in our region.
@DeptDefence
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I am so SICK of being lectured to about climate change by inner-city lunatic lefties like the Farmer’s Federation!!!!
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I’m sorry I didn’t withdraw from performing at a festival I wasn’t booked to perform at for the past seven years
Diversionary road kill humour doesn’t hide the fact you are a hypocrite Tom
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Hell yeah
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Why did Labor not support the LNP’s ICAC legislation as a start, even though it was dogshit and bad and counterproductive? Why did they let the perfect be the enemy of the good???
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The first episode of
@tonightly
went to air a year ago today.
We went on to make 160 episodes, fix every social and political issue through the power of satire, get cancelled and break the ABC. Good times.
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FINALLY a government has the guts to go after the real villains: disabled drug addicts on welfare.
#Budget2017
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It’s my birthday and all I’ve ever wanted is for
@RealMarkLatham
to be legally required to pay $100,000 in damages.
I am truly blessed.
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Oh no Prue is going to run me over again
The hypocritical, juvenile, racist boycott of Syd Fest by
@TomCBallard
& other effete pretenders over a Jewish donation reveals their true agenda. Chinese Commie Party sponsorship via China Southern Airlines was fine for 7 yrs. Human rights atrocity is ok for some to do clearly
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Other recipients of the honour of the Companion in the General Division of the Order of Australia (AC) include Karen from Bunnings, George Pell and the novel coronavirus congrats to all
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Genuine message I just received on FB. It can happen, you guys! Santa IS real!
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And all we get in return is people not dying. An outrage!
Working Aussies are forking out three hours of their weekly wage to fund the nation’s welfare bill.
The average taxpayer hands over $83 a week to prop up welfare recipients.
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Hey guys want to invade Iraq?
“FUCK YEAH LET’S DO IT BOOM BOOM LET’S GO *WOLF HOWL*!!!”
Now can we go to Syria to rescue innocent Australian children?
“No that would be scary.”
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He pronounces "faux" as "forks"
Radical marxists have taken over our institutions and will seek to tear down the very fabric of Australia so that it may be rebuilt in their faux utopian vision.
#Marxists
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You can find out more here
And read the Festival’s latest response here
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How good is being shit
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This is offensive:
@ABC_COMEDY
at 9:30pm is NOT prime-time and I am clearly NOT a “star”. Retract immediately.
Broadcasters led by prime-time ABC stars who rail against Islamophobia are using tax-payer-funded airtime to shamelessly ridicule, mock and openly question the faith and religious convictions of
@ScottMorrisonMP
. Via
@MatthewBenns
&
@danilemess
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No matter how bleak things get in Melbourne - no matter how long or intense the lockdown - just know that we will ALWAYS find the time and strength to hang shit on Sydney’s lockout laws
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Tuning in to Channel 9 to see a 60 Minutes expose on alleged corruption by the Housing Minister but having to sit through the Block finale (feat. millionaires buying multiple properties with a $3.4m reserve) is peak Australia
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If religious schools expel kids for being gay those kids won't be able to learn and so they won't be able to get good jobs and so they won't earn much money and so they won't pay taxes and so there won't be enough money to fund religious schools.
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"This government is NOT 'ideologically opposed to human rights'. Now if you'll excuse me I have to cut off the power to our refugee prison."
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We are definitely going to war with China TOMORROW but also it’s very wise to drop $368 billion on subs that will arrive in 30 years
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These are just 4 photos of him sitting normally in parliament
The smug arrogance of Chandler-Mather says all you need to know about him. He's young, inexperienced and thinks he is above all.
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Huge news for anti-Zionist Jewish people
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👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
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Ok so just to recap:
GOOD: compassion for Bill Leak's friends & family
BAD: compassion for Indigenous people, trans kids & Muslims
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Absolute. King.
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