Tom Bwana
@TomBwana
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Pinned Tweet
Thread on FLAGS OF WEST AFRICA
Looks like West African countries all went to the same tailor to get their flags done. Can't blame tailor. Y'all can't go to same person for a piece of cloth. Ghana must have arrived first and was given a black star patched in yellow, green, red.
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If you get hungry when in Muthaiga, usiteseke. Go to Gertrudes Children's hospital. Straight into the wards. Hapo kuna cafeteria. Big beef stew, rice, veggies, cup of tea. All for 180 bob. Halafu teremsha na maji ya tap. Swing hapo na watoi kidogo kwa playground food itulie kiasi
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Lies. Lies. I have counted sticks in every matchbox in here. They range between 47 sticks to 50. The most generous box here has 51 sticks. Why do they steal from us, the poor?
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If you're burying your loved one at Langata Cemetery, ensure 50% of mourners are from Langata constituency. Or else hiyo matanga haitafanyika!
*New Guideline, If you are Hosting an event in Langata venues and you dont give our young people a chance to work at you event, that event will not happen! Carnivore, Uhuru Gardens, Nyayo stadium, and any other venue in Langata! 50% of jobs must be from Langata Youths!
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I got diagnosed with kidney stones in Dec 2019. Terrible pain. A doc booked me for what he termed urinary tract surgery that would cost 300k. Second opinion from some old doc at KNH prescribed 2 beers every 3hrs for 2 days to flash out the stones. I picked the 2nd. Drunk relief!
Kidney stones can block urine, which can lead to kidney problems. Let's learn how to prevent them forming.
Kindly share, A Thread:
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This is a nominated senator. She's in parliament by invitation - free. She's now saying we should not get Identity Cards for free because 'people do not safeguard things given for free'. She's right. She makes such free positions (nominated MPs) sound quite useless.
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Woke up thinking of that Buruburu phase 5 poshomill where people stand outside mahindi yao ikisiagwa. Cannot be in my village. That's illegal. You have to be inside the mill, beat that metallic thing to remove all your flour. The law is very clear!
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Tailor: Who are you?
GB: Guinea Bissau
Tailor: Haven't I served a Guinea already?
GB: Yes. But I'm Bissau
Tailor: What's your capital?
GB: Bissau
Tailor: what?
GB: Bissau. Anyway, don't overthink. Give us exactly what you gave Togo. We have other priorities as a nation not flags
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Those wondering why pple are on the streets watching
#Eliud159
let's read from Chinua Achebe: "When we gather together in the moonlit village ground it is not because of the moon. Every man can see it in his own compound. We come together because it is good for kinsmen to do so"
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Walked from home to some famous building this morning. Security guy at the gate points his temperature gun to my neck. After a few seconds of waiting I ask him what's the reading. He says hii kitu haitakangi mtu ametembea. Haijasoma temberecha yako. Wee ingia tu.
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I have a feeling Mombasa peeps just look for a reason to cook on the streets. Eid, wako na sufuria kwa barabara, Christmas, sufuria kubwa zaidi, Obama elected president, let's cook, Ukraine attack, wanapika. Kiswahili tu ni kitu ya kupikia kwa barabara jameni? Kwanza mapochopocho
Mapochopocho Mombasa wakaazi wanapoadhimisha Siku ya Kiswahili Duniani.
#NTVSasa
@bugufatuma
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Tailor: Who's next?
Mali: It's us. Land of Mansa Musa. Richest man ever to walk the earth.
Tailor: OK rich boy, how d'you want yours?
Mali: Just remove the star from Ghana and give me what you're left with.
Tailor: Ah. You're not only rich, you're lazy too!
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Then came Senegal. "You see what you gave Ghana, yes, vertical of that. Give it to me quickly quickly!"
Tailor: Star as well?
Senegal: Yes please. Make it green though.
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3 Dee restaurant parking has 77 cars, restaurant has 7 customers. The remaining 70 mko wapi? Ama you guys come with 10 cars each? Maajabu!
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Tailor: Niger Niger Niger. How may I help you?
Niger: Make me look different please. As foreign as possible
Tailor: Say no more. No star
Niger: But this is Indian flag.
Tailor: You said you wanted to look foreign
Niger: Yes foreign, but India?
Tailor: Gerarahia!
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Tailor: Yoooh Benin, how can I help you? Wait, are you even a full country? Aren't you a part of Nigeria?
Benin: Oh so now you've graduated from tailor to UN you're now deciding who's a country and who's not? I don't need stars if that's what you think. Nkt
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So today SportPesa management had to tell its staff what has been the inevitable for the last 3 months - the centre can't holder any longer. Massive grief seeing this entire team rendered jobless by ridiculous policies of our beloved government.
#SaveMyJob
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@Max33Verstappen
Yes. Quite disrespectful coz you didn't celebrate in Bahrain 2020 when Grosjean was in hospital. Instead being the good boy that you are, you took a Rosary and prayed with your knees on the podium. In fact you cried and said Hail Mary for Grosjean.
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Tailor: Mauritania please here's your yellow star, green and red and go!
Mauritania: please add the moon. Full galaxy please. We're not an ordinary country.
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Oh no here comes the guys who speak English and French.
Tailor: don't tell me you want a star. I'm out of star designs.
Cameroon: Not so fast, fundi. Not so fast. Nobody has a monopoly over stars. Ever heard of yellow star on red?
Tailor: I swear you've taken the last star.
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@Ell_J_
@alexmwanzo
But Jimmy Kibaki is an orphan. Wewe hauna huruma kwa wasio na wazazi?
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Tailor: Burkina Faso please tell me you're different from all these guys, please.
Burkina: Quite. We're proudly different. So just give us red and green. No yellow.
Tailor: Sure?
Burkina: Quite. But if you have any yellow remaining you could give us a dash of it on a star
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Called Posta Kenya yesterday to ask if I could use their courier services for bulk parcel to Homabay. The guy on phone told me "Bro lakini usitumie services zetu. Zitakufrustrate bure." While I thank him for honesty I ask myself kwani how bad is it there?
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Togo: Like Benin's please. Just rearrange them so they don't think we were copying them.
Tailor: How?
Togo: Just swap red and green.
Tailor: OK. That was easy.
Togo: A star please. Black one.
Tailor: What's with you guys and staaaaaaaaaars!!!
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Wait, Justin Muturi is the Attorney General of Kenya? What happened to Amos Wako?
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Tailor: what's your name?
Ivory Coast
Tailor: wait, your other name?
Ivory: Cote D'Ivoire
Tailor: Do I have any designs for such a name?
Ivory: Never mind. See what you gave Niger? Vertical of that
Tailor: No star?
Ivory: No, I'm good. Just remove that Indian dot at the center
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Kenya Literature Bureau among parastatals to be privatized. KLB going private? D'you guys know what we're about to do? A body that develops curriculum going private? We now want to auction education to highest bidders? Are there Education people in that cabinet really?
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Back to where it all started. Feels like I was loaned out and now back to serve parent club. Children, did they tell you not to burn bridges? I repeat, thou shall not burn bridges. Feeling excited to be back on a different capacity!
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What's the meaning of your county's name? I'll start by Luo counties. Kisumu was originally Kisuma, Dholuo for market - where barter trade among the Lang'o, Abaluhya, Abagusii, Luo and Maasai communities thrived. Kisuma-Kisumo-and-now-Kisumu. Language evolves.
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You've probably heard the Luo referring to President Moi as 'MOI WUOD ODONGO' meaning 'Moi son of Odongo'. May I report on its etymology? Be my guest.
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The Ethiopian neighbour's been cooking from 5am. Was wondering which guests would be visiting her in this Corona era only to hear a knock on our door. Who? Ethiopian. She's distributing food to all neighbours coz it's their Easter today. God bless her soul. Ashamed of my religion
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I think Joe Ageyo is up there with the best that TV journalism has ever produced. Calm, coherent, sharp and he fluently conducts both English and Kiswahili interviews. And he dresses well. Chapeau!
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Only reason I don't like going back home mapema is this Rwandan neighbour who can't stop with those 'Rwanda is so biutful. Everything works so perfect in Rwanda. Our towns and streets are so clean...blah blah'. Dude, why then are you enrolled at a 3rd floor college on Moi Avenue?
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Give the PR Agency a raise. They wrote same article, tweaked it, gave bosses' bylines, bought space in the papers with varying headlines. Give them a raise!
#Magazetini
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Communicado official: Graduated on Saturday with an MBA in Global Sports Management. Tell it to the world.
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If you have a job, be grateful. There are people out there better educated, better experienced and better suited for your place. Humbly be grateful and put in all your effort to do the job. Don't strut around like a peacock as if the sun rises from your armpits.
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Catherine Kasavuli is the person who opened the Media door to me. "Hi Tom, we're creating a Corporate Affairs department at Royal Media Services and I think you'd be a great addition to the team" she told me over the phone. THREAD
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@ElvinaMajiwa
Hii ushuhuda ni yangu ama yako?
Ni wewe ulikuwa na kidney stones ama ni mimi?
Hiyo beer nilikunywa ilikuwa yako ama yangu?
Ni mimi nilipona ama ni wewe?
Hii tweet ni yangu ama ni yako?
Skiza nanii, kaskie vibaya na ukooooo!
Nangsengs!
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I'm a qualified translator and interpreter of French/English. Kindly hook me up with projects that require translation. Thank you.
You may want to retweet to help me reach out to clients. Asante.
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Kitu imenisumbua whole night ni huyu Cyrus Oguna alitoa hii Kiswahili yote wapi? Dude makes Luos look bad and lazy at mastering Kiswahili. Must he use those 'punde si punde and ole wako' things to show that he knows Kiswahili? You making other expect too much from us banaaa!
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'If the game goes on without a goal I think it will end in a draw.' - Innocent Mutiso on NTV analysing the World Cup.
We thank God.
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This is not LinkedIn neither is it Insta but Maina let me tell you. I finally registered for a Masters Degree in Global Sports Management. I'm in class. Back to books. And writing assignments. Quite enjoyable coz sports is my first love. Management is a different story though
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Time difference between the first Ker (socio-political leader) of the Luo Ramogi Ajwang' and the second Ker Ajuma Oginga Odinga was 363 years.
Here's the full list of those who've occupied the once powerful seat of KER of the Luo. Prof Ogutu was not my friend for nothing.
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This has touched me. Muslim fans attending their lunchtime prayers here at Kasarani. Praying is important but Harambee Stars is importanter.
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Campus Clubs that made some people think they were members of heaven's Board of Directors:
-AIESEC
-Model United Nations
-Red Cross
Those ones were untouchables. They used to walk as if they breathe different oxygen from ours.
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Tailor: you should be the last
STP: Yes. Sao Tome & Principe
Tailor: OK who am I talking to? Sao Tome or Principe?
STP: One country. We'd fancy green, yellow and a dash of red triangle
Tailor: A star?
STP: 2 stars plz
Tailor: Two stars? Oh one for Sao Tome the other for Principe?
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@SirAlexas
Coz Russia huskia vibaya eti Ukraine wanajionanga wako karibu na United Kingdom sana juu jina yao inaanza na UK. So kuna boy mjamo hapo wa Ukraine aliambia boyz wa Russia eti sisi tuko karibu na Queen juu ya jina yetu. uyo boyz wa Russia alijam yake yote. Si vita ikaanza! I'm out
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I am 99% Luo. The 1% is because I refuse to recognize Ohangla as music. Ng'amanoyanyo Odongo Swag Kisumo bende pokukonowa.
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Kenenisa Bekele climbed an aeroplane all the way to London knowing well he had been nursing an injury? Only to tell us today that he can't race on Sunday? This is so disappointing.
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The reason we celebrate madly is the expanse of 2 years without the title. I know there are clubs that haven't won since Osama bombed Nairobi but for Gor Mahia, we don't revel in similar mediocrity. We are winners now and it's quite exhilarating. Good morning champs!
#Sirkal
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I accept all advice on cholera prevention but not that nonsense eti omena should be washed before cooking. You're washing all its nutrition into the drains then cooking what?
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@masiresamu
Hey boss, the distance you keep during someone's struggle, please double it during his success. Thanks
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People pay huge fees to come see me performing. But coz it's my birthday I give you this performance for free. Lucky idiots on my timeline!
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Gor Mahia and AFC Leopards should not cry foul over the punishment coming from that guy. This might be the start of something good for the clubs. Stand your ground.
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@Lasterbosire
Daktari umesema whisky ni dawa, eeeeh? Can I also take it as a vaccine for any future symptom of alcohol-induced blindness?
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Jana I dressed well, walked my broke ass to Cedars - that Lebanese joint on Lenana Rd. Someone decided to engage me
Him: Which Biggie song is your favorite?
Me: Okelo Jabondo but also Helena Wang'e Dongo too
Him: Which ones are those? Notorious BIG?
Me: Oh I thought Okatch Biggie
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20 years? Whaaaaat! Safaricom is only 18yrs old. Meaning you have NEVER called someone with a Safcom line telling them that AFC Leopards have won the league? Ahahahaaa
2018-19 Kenyan Premier League season kicks off tomorrow. Mighty AFC will end its 20-year wait for glory. Archive this.
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I feel like doing a thread on Gor Mahia's 2018 trip to play Everton in the UK. The strings pulled, the organization, the fun, Tuyisenge's visa lapse, FKF drama, -2°c in Liverpool, Gor Mahia nonplaying delegation, KQ, Goodison Park, Rachier, GameDay.... But mtasoma kweli?
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Yaani you guys are doing business as usual as if my voice is not on a DStv ad right now. If it was Morgan Freeman you'd all be paying glowing tributes saying how he has such a powerful voice. But coz I'm the son of a peasant I will have to endure your silence? Nkt.
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I was at the stadium at 6.30am, some 30mins ahead of calltime.
A group of fans who'd traveled overnight was at the gate already.
May 13, 2018 the day Gor Mahia played Hull City in a fully sold out Kasarani Stadium.
Wanna know how we planned & executed the project? Be my guest
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HR people stop asking kids, especially these fresh college graduates, where they see themselves in 5yrs. Those kids just want to earn your 50k, move to a cooler neighbourhood, wait for Friday to party with lots of booze and blablabla... A lot of them only see Friday, not 5yrs.
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I will write about Dylan Kerr tomorrow. I can write a book, a big book, about him. Thanks for the memories.
#ThankYouDylan
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School education is to make you trainable. It is not meant to get you a job. It gives you a wider view of life. Great week ahead.
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Hi
@DCI_Kenya
, I'm here to report on this bus. It's always on the road without adequate fuel, dirty windscreen and squeaky door. Are you able to arrest the driver and declare the bus unroadworthy? Thank you.
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@VinieO
Sugar is very bad for your system. In fact it should be illegal. So what did I do? I simply replaced sugar with beer. So you get so drunk that you can't take tea in the morning. You wake up and it's soup you want.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Class dismissed
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So sad what Sauti Sol is doing to our football. He's actually wrestling it to the ground. Now MediaPro has quit production of the local league coz Sauti Sol owes them 20s of millions in Kenya Shillings. But Sauti Sol has a solution.
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All these West Africans who've followed me because of flags will soon be disappointed when they find out I mostly tweet about omena and Gor Mahia - two of the greatest gifts from God to humanity.
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@OleItumbi
The President is in Mombasa. Mwambatha. Not Nakuru. Tokeni hapo. Mobilize. Organize. Stop tweeting. Goto Mombasa. Viva!
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Chwa. Chwa. Chwa retailing at 590/- at Carrefour!!! Lord!y villagers should hear this.
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Why do pilots speak In small letters like they don't want to speak? They can easily pass their messages to the attendants to pass to passengers if they don't feel like talking to people.
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Ng'uono mar Ruodhwa Yesu Kristo,
Hera mar Jehova Nyasaye,
Lalruok mar roho maler,
Obed kodwa duto nyaka chieng',
Amin.
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Petition for Siaya Governor James Orengo to name Lindah Oguttu as Deputy Governor as replacement for Oduol.
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The passing on of Philip Ochieng' feels like burning down a library with its books. This is pain. This is sorrow. My condolences to Kenyan lovers of newspapers who will read bad English in the Papers but there will be no Philip Ochieng' to admonish the writers of the bad English
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I hear Diamond has one billion subscribers on his YouTube channel. That includes all of you Kenyans. My channel has 500 subscribers. What's your problem Kenyans? What does Diamond give you that I don't? Go to my channel now. Don't argue with me!
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Tailor: who be you?
Guinea: Guinea Conakry
Tailor: Real name?
Guinea: No, I'm Guinea but I add Conakry my capital just so I'm distinguished from Bissau and Equatorial
Tailor: Ha! So what design for you?
Guinea: Remember Mali's? Just swap the green and red. Don't overthink
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Unsolicited advice: if you looking for a 40bob coin,those ones with Kibaki's head just go to TRM on Thika Road. Their parking fee is 60bob. Pay with 100 and chublu, that machine will drop Kibaki's head in all its majesty. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. Class dismissed.
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@realDonaldTrump
when I said that, if within the world, you had some idiots, I was obviously talking about Donald Trump.
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I had to. Gor Mahia anthem in the bus full of Ivorian fans going for the match.
#AFCON2023
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@WilliamsRuto
Wuod omera kichamo gimoro kaf to iwacho waneno kaka wakonyi geng'o achiedh nade. Magi gikmamako chwo tee. Weri gi Abby gini.
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Randomly found myself in the legendary Melodica Music Store on Tom Mboya street this morning. Abdul, owner, tells me this shop opened in 1967 and still going strong. Should be protected by KDF in my opinion. Musical gold dust in there!
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