Shit I tell my toddler
@Toddler_talkin
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A succinct collection of ridiculous things I never thought I’d have to say to my 4 kids 4 and under. 👧👧👧👶
Joined August 2021
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Pinned Tweet
Hey! Stop commenting on the size of anybody else’s baby. The mom with the 99%tile kid is probably worried the baby you just called huge is overweight. The mom with the 2%tile kid you just called tiny is terrified she’s too small. “They’re adorable!” is it and move the fuck on.
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Whenever I have a girls’ night my husband half-jokingly questions, “when do I get to have a guys night?!” My dude. You can have a guys night when one of you can plan one, but because all your wives plan all the things for all your lives, none of you know how to do it.
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We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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My husband doesn’t see the hilarious irony that he sent our identical twins to school in matching sweatshirts that say, “Be Unique!” on the front and now I’m questioning who I married.
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Jesus may have risen from the dead, but we had 3 toddlers showered, dressed, hair done, pictures taken, and at my in-laws for brunch by 9:30 this morning. I’ll let you decide the true miracle for today.
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Baby
#4
: Making an Amazon wish list of bottles, pump parts, diapers and wipes to share with people who say “let me know what you need!” Tacky or acceptable?
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Pre-kid me could never have anticipated how frequently I would ask, “why is this wet?” and genuinely not know the answer.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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Something I’m trying to teach both my middle schoolers at work and my toddlers at home: just because somebody is holding you accountable, doesn’t mean they’re being mean to you.
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The next time I wonder why I feel touched out at the end of every day, I’ll look back at this picture and remember my husband comfortably alone on the other side of the living room taking this picture 😂🥴
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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Hi, yes, oversuppliers anonymous? I need to report a PROBLEM. I am 11 days postpartum. I froze milk last night. This is extra from TODAY. 🥴
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All 4 girls napping. Sound machines on. Monitors working.
Me: I’m going to do a load of laundry and take a hot shower.
Hubs: oh I wouldn’t, I’m gonna cut power to the whole house to install the ring camera
🙄 does this feel like the BEST time to cut the power? DOES IT?!
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When I retire, I want to open up a childcare facility that you can only send kids to if they’re too sick for school but not so sick that they need their parents. Every child gets a bed with fresh blankets and we’ll all watch tv and eat popsicles all day.
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It was red white and blue day at school. I was at the hospital with our 6wo while hubs held down the fort at home. He knows how much I love to take photos of the big girls in their matching shirts on these days. I saw this on our ring camera 🥹 Ladies, if he wanted to, he would.
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Oh. My. Goodness. Happy August first to meeeeee
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After 50 days in the NICU, surgery before she was a month old, bottle refusals and teetering on failure to thrive for 6 months, lil Miss 1A officially lost her developmentally delayed diagnosis today at just 15 months, and I could cry. No no, I did cry. Let’s go, babe!
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Ladies, find yourself a partner that when they get the “omg I’ve bled through everything at work” text will not only bring you new pants and underwear but tuck Kit Kats in the pockets to make you feel better. Hubs, you’re a real one. Big thanks.
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They say that one of the toughest parts of parenting a newborn is feeling like you’re the only one doing it. Feeling like you’re the only one in the world awake in the middle of the night is ISOLATING. Mommy Twitter and everybody’s 4am replies remind me that I am far from alone
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3 has a new favorite game: Tuck Tuck, where she wants me to lay in her queen sized bed while she covers me in every blanket and towel she can find until I’m “so cozy.” Coincidentally, I also have a new favorite game.
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All three toddlers in bed by 8. Beer and ice cream by the fire at the lake. I’ve peaked.
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@TrustMeImBlonde
Ya know, just in case things get out of hand and somebody needs to rinse off 😂
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@lolnope06
My husband doesn’t make plans to see his friends and I’m evil? Please do elaborate 😂
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Today, for the first time since 2019- a pandemic, 2 pregnancies, and 3 children ago- I wore a bikini and played in the ocean, in spite of my raging insecurities. The only comment I got today? ‘Mommy, I’m having so much fun.” Put on the suit. The kids don’t see the stretch marks.
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Don’t worry all my ~weaponized incompetence, you should leave him~ keyboard warriors, he finished cleaning the rest of the house before the bbq while I made cupcakes and filled water balloons because he’s actually an incredible partner 😂
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@Saabbrraaa
It’s either a boundary for you or it’s not. If it is, you leave. If you stay, it’s not and he now knows it’s not and will continue to do whatever it was he lied about doing.
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It’s 2024. Are we still sending official thank you cards for toddler birthday parties or are “thank you so much for coming! she loves the gift!” texts that include a nice picture from the party acceptable?
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A magical success. I was stopped by 1 woman and just when I thought she was going to make a snarky comment, she asked for the link. ASKED👏FOR 👏 THE👏 LINK. Leash babies are safe babies and safe babies make for happy mommies.
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@AndrewsChrisM
We just went out to dinner. No reason they couldn’t do that! Or my husband has even just had a few guys over and just watched the hockey or basketball game that was on when they get their acts together 😂
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This is my absolute new favorite photo. Not because I managed the perfect bikini bod before our beach trip, but because in this moment, I didn’t care about it even a little bit.
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My toddler consistently wants to veg out and watch shows for 20-30 minutes after getting home from a long day and honestly? I’m done fighting it. It’s also exactly what I want to do.
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My husband is firmly but respectfully setting and upholding our agreed-upon boundaries with his mother while she tries to run right over them and I am so👏damn👏proud of him
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When I registered, I thought almost 3’s dance class was too expensive. Now, every Saturday I watch 3 young women corral 16 two to four year olds IN TAP SHOES and I am here to say I was WRONG about the money. Whatever they’re being paid is not enough.
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You want to be a great parent to a toddler? Always speak to them with care and kindness. Always treat them with respect and fairness. And never EVER think you’re above keeping m&ms in the cabinet as an emergency bribe.
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Guys. Both my 35 week, exclusively breadmilk fed, NICU resident twinnos are on the growth charts at their 6 month appointments. I am sobbing. We have come so far. ON THE CHARTS.
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“I just ordered you lunch to be delivered to the house because I know you’re having a tough day.” And thaaaat my friends is my new love language.
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@chickstuz2
And I bet they’re just as happy and healthy as my ~previously breastfed now only eating chicken nuggets and French fries~ toddlers 😂
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After 50 days on the NICU, 2A came home two years ago today in this premie onesie. It was too big. I cannot see this picture without sobbing. She was not supposed to survive. She is thriving. God is so good. Science is so good. Our life-her life-is so good.
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Out for bagels, park at 9:30am, a 2.5 hr synchronized nap for all 3 toddlers, bounce houses and beers at a street fair, and everybody’s in bed at 7:30. Today was my suburban mom pinnacle. It simply doesn’t get better than this.
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Asked for the epidural at 10:15. Baby came at 10:24. Ran outta time. Again. 🥴. I’m 0/2 on epidural requests, but I crushed my redemptive VBAC. Baby girl is here and healthy ❤️
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Went to a 5th birthday party yesterday. Turns out, I don’t like other peoples’ toddlers. Or other people. Or really my own toddler.
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There has never been a person of any age as proud of their self-selected outfit as my 3yo this morning who proudly went to school LIKE THIS. Her St Paddy’s Day green is underneath, but she couldn’t be convinced that this is anything other than the PINNACLE of fashion.
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
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I just peed my pants while I threw up chick-fil-a on the side of the road. Pregnancy is beautiful.
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I had a surprise day off of school due to a power outage that perfectly coincided with all the girls holiday concerts. 3 was BEAMING when she saw me there and 1 A and B just kept waving like I was the only person in the room. I’ll never miss another one.
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It’s 7am and all three of my toddlers are still asleep. Sorry Jesus, but this is the true miracle for this weekend.
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1A probably needs surgery to follow up on a birth defect. 1B has pneumonia. 3 has an unexplained fever. I was the first respondent to a bomb threat situation at work today. Fuck it. We’re having McDonald’s for dinner. I cannot do anything else today.
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@girl75219
We for sure have all the reusable items-clothes, toys, crib, etc- but All the ‘disposables’ like bottles and nipples and diapers and wipes are still expensive
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3 is crying- no, crying isn’t a strong enough work. Sobbing. 3 is SOBBING because she found a play doh cookie cutter in a Christmas tree shape and now she…misses our Christmas tree. It’s April 19th. It’s been gone for *check notes* 3 MONTHS. I don’t know how to parent this.
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I’m working real hard not to pass my type A-everything has to be and stay perfect anxieties onto my kids. Step one? Let them mix the playdoh colors 🫠
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@margins36
That’s my thought! All our boomer aunts and parents friends are going to buy something anyway. It may as well be the extra bottles and pump parts I need and want instead of some ridiculous outfit I’ll never put her in.
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The twins leashes came in the mail just in time for Halloween, and I’m not even sorry. 3 mobile toddlers running in 3 directions on dark streets was giving me ANXIETY. I have no shame that I’ll be walking 2 leashed unicorns tomorrow.
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3 hours in the car headed for “vacation” with the inlaws. If prayers are your thing, Imma need em 😂
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I was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of being home with all 3 toddlers by myself today. Now my husband is actually working from home and it’s 10x worse 😂
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We did it. They did it. I did it. It’s done. They’re one. 🥺
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I’m gonna pump my own tires here for a second though. I took all 3 girls out by myself today. We were FOR SURE a spectacle, but we did I. I did it.
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4: “Mommy, I don’t like the ends of the bread”
Me: okay sweetie, don’t worry, I have another loaf
Also me: *Nobody’s gonna know. They’re gonna know. How would they know? HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?!”
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Hey moms. If you’re out at a place where moms take pictures and you see another mom taking a family photo, offer to take one for her. With her. So she’s in it. Moms are the backbone of families and plan all the family memories and moments and aren’t in any of the fricken photos.
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The twins turn 1 in 11 days and when asked to reflect on their first year of life, I am drawn to the words of the immortal Katy Perry, “it’s a blacked out blur but I’m pretty sure it ruled.”
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I can officially cross “toddler brings home a daycare illness I’ve never even heard of” off my 2023 BINGO card. Impetigo for the loss.
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I’d really like to push to rename gentle parenting as respectful parenting. Teaching and holding boundaries instead of just yelling is not gentle or easy for anybody. This is hard fucking work, but my kids deserve respect because they’re people. Period.
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Hubs asked me to update the fridge calendar so that he can “keep up to date on all the things.” But then he added, “I know that’s extra work for you but it really helps me.” And just the acknowledgement of the mental load to keep the calendar made me more than happy to do it.
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The only note from the twins first day at daycare? “Please send more food. These girls can eat.” 😂 My giiiiirls
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I can’t decide what’s worse: being awake because the babies keep waking up or being awake because you’re anxiety is anticipating the babies waking up so you’re just wide awake staring at them in the monitor absolutely passed out.
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I’d really love to normalize hating the newborn phase. Like, I love the shit out of these twins, but I HATE this 0-5/6 month phase. It’s all spit up and no sleep and hold-me-and-don’t-put-me-down and very few redeeming enjoyable parts.
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There’s no way these 4:30-7 children are the same as my morning children. My morning children play independently, use kind words, and don’t throw hands. These 4:30-7 children are damn feral.
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My grandfather passed away, but after 96 years and 12 years of dementia it doesn’t feel like a sad thing. So instead of grieving, my cousins and I tailgated in the parking lot of the funeral home. Cheers, grandpa. Cheers.
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Did the whole bedtime routine song and dance. Tucked 3 in. Went to walk out the door and she goes, “mommy mommy mommy wait” so I paused and the next words out of her mouth were “when we get a Christmas tree can I put the star on top?” Ma’am. It’s August 31st. Go to bed.
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Baby girl would like to let you know what she thinks about tomorrow being Monday
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My good friend has been struggling with secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriages. I have to tell her tonight that we’re pregnant because we announce tomorrow and I am just gutted having to tell her. I feel so bad that we get to have this moment and she doesn’t.
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Smile if you were praying to stay status quo and be promoted to an “every 6 months” patient but your cardiologist said “see you in two YEARS” because your stenosis actually improved 😍
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It’s big month for me going out. A lot of scheduled girls’ nights and bridal showers. Inevitably somebody asks if hubs has all the girls and remarks on how incredible that is…but I do it every day. So do you think he’s incompetent or that I’m a super hero? It’s gotta be one.
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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Exclusively pumping is a full lifestyle commitment. It’s a commitment to a pump schedule and washing bottles and parts and keeping up on replacing duckbills. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Today is not one of those days. These smiles let me know she appreciates my efforts.
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My flight is taking off to go home after a fantastic 48 hours away, so I just called home to check in. My hubs made pancakes this morning, took them to multiple parks this weekend, and got 3 to dance EARLY. I left no lists, no prepped meals. Nothing. Ugh this man is a PARTNER.
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I couldn’t WAIT for the twins to be off bottles. I stand by that. However, what I did not account for was the dramatic uptick in cup usage. This is just from yesterday’s second running of dishwasher
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1A and B are officially 2 🤯🥺🥺
I promise their smiles match the emojis 😂
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I got cocky. I thought I was crushing it. Killing the solo parenting game. We’re out of diapers. 8 month old twin B just had a full blow out and I have 0 size 3 diapers in the house. She’s wearing a size 6 up to her nipples 😂
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Nothing could have prepared me for bringing my 3 to a birthday party and running into a guy I used to hook up with also bringing his 3 to the same birthday party. Nothing.
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I don’t know about orange being the new black, but 7:30 is definitely the new midnight.
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I called to ask for rx antinausea meds. She said, you can’t have an rx without seeing the dr. Okay fair. Can I see the dr. “You have an appt scheduled for 9/19 so you can discuss with them then” Ma’am. If I thought I could wait FIVE WEEKS, I wouldn’t be on the phone with you.
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Today truly is a day of miracles: a full family photo 🥺
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Almost 3’s a little irritable today and has decided, “I play by myself. You go away.” and at first I thought it stung a little and then I realized I could drink my tea hot. Bye, girl, enjoy your alone time. Lord knows I will.
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The only thing more frustrating than doing laundry for toddlers is doing laundry with toddlers.
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“RED BALLS! WE’RE AT TARGET! Target! Target! Target!” My 3 chants from the back of the car. I may have a small problem 😂
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Hubs took all 3 girls to the park so I could stay home and vomit in peace but I just found his wedding ring here so it 100% looks like a daddy’s custody weekend trip to the park 😂
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We saw friends tonight. They came to our house after bedtime so we didn’t need to worry about the kids nor pay for a babysitter. We had a fire pit, adult beverages, and engaging conversation. Then, they left by 11. These are my people. This is my happy.
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It should actually be illegal to charge parents for parking to spend time in the hospital with their own children.
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A mom at the park just announced, “who wants to go to Trader Joe’s and get ice cream?!” And I know she was trying to use it to get her kids outta the park, but ma’am, there are 15 other kids here. You’ve gotta be kidding.
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Husbands are like toddlers in that, if you really want them to do something you’ve gotta convince them it was their idea.
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Both 1 A and B are mopey and whiney while 3 is marching around singing Christmas songs. Daylight savings is a weird time for your toddler parent friends. Check on them. They’re not okay.
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The millennial version of our mother’s bag of bags
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Being a mom shouldn’t be this hard and it sure as shit shouldn’t be this much harder than being a dad.
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Call it what you will, but gentle parenting is just being a respectful human to another human who happens to be small.
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