Alan G Partridge
@ThisisPartridge
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Broadcaster, author and one of the first public figures to suggest high-visibility clothing for people manning temporary car parks.
Joined September 2011
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Anyway, I’d never do Desert Island Discs, a format that trivialises the very real horror of being shipwrecked and marooned on a sandy mound.
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A STATEMENT.
Although this is completely unauthorised, having taken counsel, I am happy that the statue's attitude and stance are correct.
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Announcing my new memoir BIG BEACON: a lighthouse rebuilt, a broadcaster reborn.
Where to buy? Well, far from being lumps that form in the bladder,
@Waterstones
is the name of my favourite retailer and they’ll have signed copies.
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I was THRILLED to be asked by the Guardian 'news' paper to answer readers questions. Slightly misunderstanding the brief, I sat down and spent three weeks answering each of the 600+ questions in order, later to learn they only need around 12 answers. Here:
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Ten minutes until showtime and I'm feeling both happy and relaxed! Stratagem starts tonight in - let's call it what it is - a Belfast ice rink. Come see me in a town near you:
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Hate to be a drama king, but I’m sooooo excited to announce my new podcast series is available on
@audibleuk
. Visit and help yourselves NOW. You won’t even have to queue! (cc:
@schofe
) Here’s some marketing content I was made to do contractually.
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Just arrived at Gav Williamson’s celebration brunch. The guy’s turned up a full suit of armour and it’s Sir Gavin this and my liege that. Absolutely classic Gav! Love him
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A letter to my younger self. Sadly it's not possible to send a letter to yourself 50 years ago, though it is possible to send one to yourself 50 years from now. Just send it next day delivery with Evri! I’m joking. I know the commercial director. Good guy.
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Pleased to announce the birth of 'Nomad' which slithered from its mother's loin today, weighing 1lb 4oz. Alan and book are doing VERY well.
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If my statue can in some way act as an Ambassador for Brass, and encourage just ten children to take up a brass instrument, it will be an upbeat ending to an otherwise dreadful year.
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If the people of Norwich and surrounding areas want to memorialise me in sculpture, then as long as it is rendered in alpha brass with a low zinc content and not, say, a duplex brass, I grant my consent and will instruct my legal team to resheathe their daggers.
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My publishers have finally agreed to let me record an audio version of my new book for my many blind and illiterate fans. (Love you guys!)
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Hello and good morning. Having made a series of podcasts for
@audibleuk
I am obliged to issue 6 (six) promotional tweets. This is the first (1st) of those tweets.
To listen to an episode free NOW, simply shout ALEXA READ FROM THE OASTHOUSE ON AUDIBLE directly at her.
Thank you.
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Shaking as I type this. For the last 12 months I have worked with Orion Publishing, a divorced graphic designer and a team of interns, who like all publishing interns are both Oxbridge and unpaid, to create a luxury version of my new memoir BIG BEACON.
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Earlier this year, I trapped my hand in the top bit of an escalator and crumpled three fingers. Somehow I still signed a deal to make a 2nd series of my hit [CHECK] podcast. Today the fingers have plumped back up and the podcast is almost ready. Pre-order:
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My new documentary Scissored Isle is on Sky Atlantic at 10pm straight after Game of Thrones, a show I don't watch as I'm not 12.
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*The moral right of Alan Partridge to be identified as the author of this work is asserted in the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.*
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It would mean a great deal to me if you’d take yourself to a quiet place and watch this powerful piece of content.
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Elon is an anagram of Noel. Noel means Christmas. A shortening of Christmas is ‘X’mas. Jesus was born on Xmas day. So is Elon Jesus? Worth thinking about. Is Elon Santa? No but again, worth thinking about.
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I was further concerned the statue would be a compound resin with gold paint applied. These fears have also been allayed.
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After Going for Gold and Brush Strokes, “Alan Partridge: From the Oasthouse (We’re Having A Barndance) (Mumford mix)” is one of Britain best loved theme songs. Here I am miming to it. PLEASE listen to my podcast. (Nearly wrote ‘podcats’ then!!)
@audibleuk
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Today, the 81st birthday of the Citizens Advice Bureau, sees the launch of my podcast on
@audibleuk
. To play it from an Alexa device, just say “Alexa, play From the Oasthouse on Audible” four or five times and the content will play automatically. God bless and Rule Britannia.
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big beacon will MAKE you smile, i’m SURE of it. did YOU know i deVOTEd 6 weeks to penning a sTORY that delights from one page to the NEXT. it has no WEEK bits. i GIVE my word, it has big THEMes, i counted FIVE. what's MORE, it’s a book to cherish for YEARS
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It’s ridiculous. You spend a fortnight writing a book and some woman at the publisher decides to flog it for the price of eight Chomps?
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Podcast fans! Do you like podcasts? If you like podcasts, try my podcast From The Oasthouse: The Alan Partridge Podcast, which is a podcast. And while some people, perhaps because they're sexually inadequate or thick, say it's an audiobook, it's a podcast.
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Costume also includes a crown. Told him only kings wear crowns but he says 'a knight is a type of king, that's why they're anagrams.' I said ‘weren’t you the education secretary?’ He turned to an aide who nodded then Gavin said yes.
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PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN PENS. I have a silver Mont Blanc at home but you don't want it lying around near the kind of people who read my books.
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Here I am interviewing troubled funnyman Steve Coogan in today’s Guardian. Just one discrepancy. Fig 1 is the copy I submitted. Fig 2 is the copy
@Guardian
printed. I’d love to hear your views on why this might have happened. Me, I just find it curious.
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Looking forward to singing at these five wonderful bookshops to promote my new book BIG BEACON.
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Every day I receive umpteen questions (if not more) from fans wanting to know about the real me. And even though that’s true, I’m nonetheless soliciting additional questions from YOU. They will either be used in an exciting forthcoming project (if any) or more likely discarded.
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They say every man has a book in them. Well, this is my third, making me as good at writing as three grown men.
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The ebook of Nomad is on sale today for the shit sum of £1.99 - great deal for you, a real slap in the teeth for the poor sod who wrote it.
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Gotta say, Shappsy called this morning in bits, having one of his tizzes because we'd agreed defence was a bit too much responsibility for him. But after supportive chats with friends (me) and a quick zoom with mum Beryl, he’s decided to take the job and just try his best.
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Buy my book to win a very short holiday! Please vacate the premises by 11am on the day of departure.
To celebrate the release of Big Beacon, we're giving away a three-night stay for two people in a luxury lighthouse in Alan Partridge's home county of Norfolk! Details here:
@ThisisPartridge
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Much flimsier than the hardback and with a cover image that's different but not as good, the paperback of ALAN PARTRIDGE: BIG BEACON is out now.
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Nine (9) days until Big Beacon, the memoir that puts the ‘ALAN’ into ‘A LANtern’.
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Its name? Nomad. Here’s a link to Amazon, easily one of my favourite companies.
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I’m a tall-ish guy with decent muscle tone and when the light catches me at the right angle I’ve every reason to be proud of the way I look.
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The *perfect* morning. Mug of Nespresso, plate of creamed eggs and a few chapters of my new book Nomad (out Thurs).
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At half past 10, I’ll be on Radio 4 discussing my life and the records that mean most to me. That’s Desert Island Discs with Alan Partridge.
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Alexander Pope, Andre Previn, Alex Polizzi, Andi Peters, a pig, Al Pacino, Augusto Pinochet, Allison Pearson. As a fellow AP, I’d happily work with them all (apart from last two). So imagine my joy that Amazon Prime are streaming my show Stratagem here:
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As well as the hardback, BIG BEACON will be available as an audiobook, narrated by either myself or Sir Michael Gambon (TBC).
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The only Game played on the Throne at House Partridge is Angry Birds while defecating.
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ITV viewers! I’ll be on a show called Saturday Night Takeaway this weekend with my good friend Anton Dec. I’ll be offering him one free ticket to my live tour. Why don’t you come too?? (Not free)
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To coincide with National Zoo Awareness Day, today sees the launch of series 3 of my podcast From the Oasthouse - a great listen whether you’re a human or a terrified animal with limited access to outdoor space. Get it here:
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Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a memoir by a man named Alan
And I have a job, but I want to be a paperback writer.
PAPERBACK WRITER
The paperback of Big Beacon is out on 6 Jun(e).
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Good afternoon, each. Today sees the start of what the marketing team at
@audibleuk
calls pre-ordering, but I call ‘ordering’, of season three of From The Oasthouse, which I’m proud to say is one of the few UK podcasts you have to pay for. Pre-order now:
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Chuckling to myself this morning. A pretty weak attempt to hurt me but that doesn't stop the list being utter utter utter bullshit, made up of largely terrible books.
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The BBC tried to silence my coronation commentary and removed it from YouTube. Because it’s better than theirs? You decide.
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Just been to watch the print presses roll on my latest book 'Nomad'. Sounds exciting but was one of the most boring mornings I can remember.
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Available to buy since 12 October 2023, BIG BEACON has been accurately described as my most recent book yet.
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Streets pounded, blood spilt, tears shed, laughter pealed. A dead dad honoured. A hero risen. A book deal signed. That book is now complete.
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Had my tour medical this morning. Strode into doc’s office, disrobed & said 'well?' The chap inspected every inch of me & said I looked superb and was in “terrific shape for a man of my age”. Would have been better if he was the doctor but still. Nice guy.
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Without consulting the author, book and tote bag retailer Waterstones has been selling BIG BEACON at half price. I'm pleased to say that offer - which defiles both the book and English literature as a whole - ends at midnight tonight.
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An excert - or, more correctly, excerpt - from Big Beacon, Time magazine's 2023 Book of the Year.
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And when a man’s clean, he then has to get dry. Leave with a damp crotch and believe me, you open the door to all sorts of medical problems.
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5 years ago today I was interviewed by
@richardpbacon
about my memoir. Odd because usually it's me grilling Bacon!!!
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@RishiSunak
Stay strong Rish! If it helps, I was chatting to Gaz Barlow and he reckons it blows over after a year or so and you can go back to normal. Do you fancy coming to Stratagem? I did text and it said delivered but you've not replied.
#taxnous
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The cover design for Big Beacon features my award-winning signature rendered in gold. But if you'd like your copy signed again slightly less well, in black, while you stand and watch, come to one of the following stores, buy the book (important) and get in the queue, thank you.
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And here’s the paperback cover, featuring a dead fish and a nice comment sent to us by Caitlin Moran, a reader from Birmingham. (22/22)
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A desert island might be fun for Radio 4 but fun it ain’t for someone who died on one or had a sand grub burrow into his cheek and lay eggs.
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G’morning. Who fancies a bit of interaction?? My book's out tomorrow, so I wanna hear from everyone who also has a book coming out tomorrow.
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Put this in your pipe* and smoke it! For an indeterminate amount of time, my hardbacked book BIG BEACON (my caps) is available to buy for £9.50 here:
* In the photograph, I am holding a pipe.
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I saw one guy who was clearly about to nod off. No wonder so many of them ending up losing an arm. An unbelievably boring place to work.
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Here, have this 36 min extract of my audiobook on the house. The rest you pay for.
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Kids’ TV presenter Steve Backshall. There aren’t many people who can pull off a vest like this. And Backshall is certainly not one of them.
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On 27 January 2023,
@primevideouk
made my live show Stratagem available for streaming. At the time of writing, it remains available for streaming on the
@primevideouk
platform. Thank you.
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Hand on heart, ‘Alan Partridge: Nomad - paperback rollout strategyFINAL.docx’ is one of the finest rollout strategies I’ve EVER read (3/22)
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I’ve subsequently learned that they don’t like to be called Amazon Prime, or Amazon at all, and I’m to refer to them only as
@primevideouk
but that doesn’t fit with the AP thing and I’d drafted the tweet by then. So 🤷🏻♂️
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So familiar is his face, people rarely stop to look at the guy, meaning his preposterous appearance is given a free pass. Well, not today.
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my three memoirs might STARt to MERge into one but this HAS never been A problem WEIRDLY. with a DRY wit to make your MOUTH smile, it comes in book and audiobook form BUT there’s NO ONE way to enjoy it, howEVER. just thought I should MENTIONS IT
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As is traditional in UK swimming baths, my bum, balls and pecker are hidden beneath a pair of waterproof underpants or ‘trunks’.
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She’s an awful woman and I hope she’s made redundant on Christmas Eve.
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I once found a notebook belonging to Edmonds in which he’d sketched potential new hairstyles, each bigger and fluffier than the last.
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And just to add, I’d be delighted to do Desert Island Discs if asked. (cc.
@TheRealKirstyG
)
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Accidentally spoiled my ballot paper (jerky hands/too much caffeine) but whether you vote REMAIN, LEAVE or DON'T KNOW, please
#rockthevote
!!
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SHIT: Boris Johnson and Richard Sunak will end the VAT discount on live tickets on 1st Oct.
I IMPLORE anyone who cares as deeply as I do about minimising their VAT liability to buy a ticket to my show NOW at
#Endtaxnow
#TaxPayersAlliance
#Clapforcarers
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The new, improved me AFTER the walk with the poise, steel and panache that only comes from overcoming great adversity over a huge distance.
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By the way, I found your flask in my badminton bag. Tried rinsing it out but it had gone dry so you might have to chip off the berocca.
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My publisher tells me that to “celebrate" the audiobook release of Big Beacon we’re running this exciting competition. It's open to people anywhere in the UK with the exception of people anywhere in N.I. Enjoy! (Enjoyment excludes N.I)
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Hello, I’ve been asked to tell you ‘in my own words’ that my well-selling book NOMAD is now out in soft shell or “paperback”. (1/22)
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I'm tweeting this live from Saturday Night Takeaway on ITV. Or ITV1. Or ITV again. Or ITVBe or whatever it's called now. I don't know, no one here seems to either. It's absolute chaos. PLEASE don't let me have done this for nothing. Come and see my show.
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(Got some dilbert at the publishers hassling me to include this link.)
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This slideshow marries visual images with audio to create an entirely new entertainment medium, if you don't count TV.
http://t.co/7X3zsV8L
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That’s my friend The Right Honourable Grant Shapps, even though he’s rarely right and isn’t especially honourable. Not even sure he’s Grant Shapps - you forget which one’s the alias! Still, good guy and a steadily improving swimmer.
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Good morning to you all on this lovely sunny day (be smart, cream up).
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Observe the knowing gaze, the wise smile and the way the pen nestles obediently in the crook of my knuckle.
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The speak-book will be voiced by me after Jon Briggs (voice of Siri) turned it down.
#gifthorse
#mouth
Pre-order:
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I recently filled in a questionnaire for the Times newspaper, and today Tony Gallagher and his team have published that questionnaire:
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The logo itself. The agency that helped with it refuse to grant me permission to reproduce the original so this is very much my stab at it.
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(THIS DEAL HAS EXPIRED. MEANT TO TWEET LAST WEEK BEFORE I WENT TO SWAFFHAM) (15/22)
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As I explain in an earlier tweet, the baby blue polo neck I’m wearing came in a multipack of three polo necks bought from a covered market.
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Subsequently, someone I've never heard of has created a 'Spofity playlist' of the songs in question. Find it here:
http://t.co/vVOtnNSp.
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Credit to the guys who work there because they have to go through that every day. It’s so boring! I can’t believe how bored I was.
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While Grant plans to drop actual bombshells (think we said Sweden then China), I am today dropping bombshell news. That series 3 of my podcast is out today. I’ve been asked by
@audibleuk
to tag them in this post which I have begrudgingly now done.
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That being said: because the cost of living crisis is making people sad (although I’m doing great thanks to my shares in a company that sells E-cigs to teens), Audible is literally giving away this brand new episode:
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