Lawrence Miles
@The_Beasthouse
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I'm not, by nature, an angry man. But I think it's fair to say that you'll never find anyone as slightly cross as me.
Joined March 2020
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Check for hot playground equipment. If it's too hot for your hand, it's definitely too hot for a child's skin.
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Of course, in a year or so, this will be used in a trailer for BBC iPlayer that promises "jaw-dropping drama". Just prepare yourselves for that.
#DoctorWho
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@MaxKashevsky
There are also sites that copy the text exactly, but add pictures scooped from the internet based on keywords. These are much, much worse.
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I WROTE THAT! Good grief, I'd forgotten. Of course, in 1999, nobody shouted "woke" at you if you wondered whether theoretical body-shifting people are ever really gendered. (Q.v. Aaronovitch's version of the Doctor as a West African demigod, joining a dance only women can dance.)
The Eighth Doctor comes out as nonbinary, while also retconning the first seven Doctors' identities in the same line. (1999)
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Day One. Imbecilic Time Lord has landed on planet masquerading as Earth. I, the Scourge of Osiris, am not so quickly fooled. Have convinced navigation unit to land on real Earth and leave nemesis here, that he may know the Many Inconveniences of Sutekh.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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I... I can't even...
...okay. So around 2002, I pitched a Doctor Who novel to BBC Books called "333", which involved the Doctor getting bored on Earth in the early-'00s era when nothing was happening at all. (Pre-new-series, remember.)
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Best line I wrote from the Bored Doctor section: "He thought he'd discovered a death-cult trying to reconfigure the internet to summon an ancient doomsday god, but it turned out SueTech was just an IT firm run by someone called Sue."
AND THIS IS REAL NOW?!? I WROTE IT AS A JOKE.
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Sooooo there's this sentient house inhabited by an extended family of prophecy-haunted oddballs, except it's been in decline ever since the departure of a never-to-be-named relative whose connection to space-time was too weird even for them. His return heralds the house's destruc
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I Photoshop a monarch out of a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 1.
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I'm convinced I'm a Gollum of self-loathing who lurks around the mass subconscious of Doctor Who writers, trying to f** them up with ideas they actually take seriously. You know Kenneth in "Hamish Macbeth", who's a greater psychic than TV John but can only destroy himself...? Me.
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Twenty years on from my last "Doctor Who" novel, I still have the power to be wildly misunderstood by fandom.
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Tabloid Media Rage: "Doctor Who has gone WOKE! We will take apart EVERY EPISODE to PROVE that NOBODY can possibly enjoy this POLITICALLY-CORRECT series!"
Doctor Who Fan Rage: "We'd like the Egyptian death-god to keep his cushion."
#DoctorWho
#PyramidsOfMars
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I posit that this is the greatest comic-book cover of all time.
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Soooo... ehh. Even beyond that last thread, I'm having problems with this whole Sutekh thing, despite liking the episode in general. D'you want me to explain? I can explain, but this is going to take a 13-part thread, mute me for a while if you aren't bothered. (1/13)
#DoctorWho
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I speak to all peoples of
#DoctorWho
when I say that we stand at a moment of great significance, which may be remembered by our kind for generations. It is our duty, if we are to prevent future dissent, to agree on this single and defining issue:
What're we calling these things?
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Lego version, please.
@LEGO_Group
Jubilee Synagogue, also known as the Jerusalem Synagogue, is a synagogue in Prague, Czech Republic. It was built in 1906 and designed by Austrian architect Wilhelm Stiassny in Moorish Revival form with Art Nouveau decoration.
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@JennyENicholson
Think of Britain as a theme park where the mascots can't act out of character even if it means wounding children.
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Books that outsold the memoirs of a former Prime Minister in their first week of release,
#1
.
Liz Truss book enters bestseller list in 70th place with 2,228 copies sold
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Whoever scheduled this episode of "Strictly" clearly didn't grow up in the '70s. The "Grandstand" routine should be IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED by the "Doctor Who" routine. That is the protocol.
#Strictly
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Four instinctive thoughts on the passing of Chris Boucher.
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Intolerable Gallifreyan termite programmes me with co-ordinates for South Pole, then decides to take helicopter instead, then forgets about co-ordinates and takes me to South Pole by mistake. All life in Antarctica shall perish for this, esp. penguins.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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I apologise, the post-modern monsters were amazing. Also that was a sodding masterpiece. I've never laughed so much at
#DoctorWho
, I've never gone "YESSS!" and "OHHH!" so much. So many things to talk about. So many things to remember.
How the Hell was that only 45 minutes?
Here we go. I've got strong I-won't-hate-this-but-the-monsters-may-be-a-bit-average vibes from this one, people.
#DoctorWho
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Day Five. Compelled by interfering Time Lords to land on planet in Gallifrey's accursed celestial sphere. Feeling violated. Once free, theirs shall be first civilisation razed to dust, since nobody else likely to do it before me. Enjoying view though.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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Okay. At the stage where I've started finding it hilarious.
"Sutekh became visible outside the church, because when he landed with the TARDIS in 2004, he saw the one thing beyond his comprehension... your mother."
It even ends with "your mother", making it sound like an insult.
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Right-wing Twitter having a meltdown about the end of "free speech" because Stewart Lee has chosen to take his *own* work off Spotify as a protest.
Being able to withdraw your own material as a protest is... y'know... pretty much the most basic requirement of "free speech".
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THREAD: I review every Doctor Who / Magic: The Gathering card that's based on the original series, as they're revealed. (I'm buggered if I'm doing the new series as well, I've spent enough of my life complaining about River Song.)
#MTGxWHO
*
*Yeah, this is a pre-existing hashtag.
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But now Sutekh, Dark God of the First Dynasty, immortal prisoner of the Valley of the Kings, is... possessing a tech billionaire and hanging around some skyscrapers in London.
...
...what? (4/13)
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I seem to have gained about 40 new followers by posting a 13-tweet thread about Sutekh. Do you have any idea of the horror you're provoking?
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Have landed in desolate quarry. I find that good.
Update. Have landed on lifeless planet ravaged by solar winds. Best day ever.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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I've lived through the Winter of Discontent, the heydays of the IRA and NF, Thatcherism, the AIDS years, the '90s recession, Blairism, the post-9/11 paranoia, the financial crisis, and several riot seasons. I've never known the UK as aggressively miserable as it is now. 1/8
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Not just the best
#DoctorWho
this year, but the best in... nearly two decades?
*This* is the programme I love. This is the descendant of the '60s series, putting time-travellers in a historical setting and letting them weave the modern world into it. No story-arc BS, just story.
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Ohhh, it's *this* guy. I've worked with him, he was a nightmare in the green room. Kept bringing his gift of death for all humanity. Everyone else brought Pringles.
#DoctorWho
#TeamTeaTime
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And did those feet in ancient time
walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
on England's pleasant pastures seen?
COMMUNITY NOTE: No.
*** Jesus was Imprisoned in England ***
Leaders of the Revolt imprisoned in Fortress Dewa.
A 1st century Guantanamo Bay in Chester.
As far from Judaea as possible.
See this TwiX:
Image: Jesus enters the fortress gates:
Ralph
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"Pyramids of Mars" works because it's not only a nod to Egyptian mythology, but to two eras of Mummy movies and our endless obsession with tomb-curses. Alien pyramids! Sarcophagi! A possessed English archaeologist! The Horus-Set war turned into an epic SF backstory...! (3/13)
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Putting an Egyptian death-god in a modern urban setting is... *weird*. If you know the series, it looks like non-sexy fan-service; if you don't, it's baffling. Stripped of his native mythology, Sutekh becomes as meaningless as the Master, not even an idea but just a name. (6/13)
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After "Spyfall", I posted *this*. The point being that if the Master can have any face, personality, or function, he's meaningless as a character; having someone announce they're That Guy is a non-event. Unlike the Doctor, who's got a series format to support him/her. (2/13)
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I no longer have full control over the copyright, but I strongly recommend that you don't buy any Faction Paradox material from BBV.
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- HEY FELLA, WHAT'S UP.
- I... who dares to...?
- MANDRAGORA HELIX, HI. SCOOCH OVER A BIT, YEAH?
- Insolent entity! I, Sut-
- JUST NEED A LIFT TO THE MID-RENAISSANCE. OKAY IF I PUT SOME MUSIC ON?
- Music...?
- OH, LOVE THIS ONE. 🎵SWEEET CAROLIIINE...🎵
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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Without the context, how is this Sutekh, rather than just a generic monster? You've got Gabriel Woolf (yay!), but this isn't even the first time he's voiced Big Evil in the modern series. He might just as well be Satan (again), or Morgoth the Destroyer, or sodding Cthulhu. (5/13)
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Nobody else seems to be mentioning it, so here it is: the moment when John Constantine meets a coked-up Prince Andrew, who's involved in a sadistic underground club for the super-rich. ("Hellblazer"
#53
, 1992.)
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I live in hope that "The Empire of Death" will be about Sutekh controlling the world through an Osiris-inspired death-cult and thus justifying his presence, but... yeah. I bet it's just the standard Russell T. Dystopia, full of guys in riot armour with assault rifles. (12/13)
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I'll probably be banned from Twitter for this, but I've pinpointed the exact location of Elon Musk.
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A
#DoctorWho
-loving friend came over, and we re-watched "The Church on Ruby Road" together. On second viewing, I'm moving it up from "yeah, that was a nice bit of fun for Christmas" to "actually, this is genuinely really good".
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At least let the world look as if it's ruled by an ancient and murderous demigod before it's turned to dust. (13/13)
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Sutekh... shouldn't do anything we see in "Legend of Ruby Sunday". He doesn't have a strong enough grasp of humanity to manipulate people that way. He shouldn't even realise that the Doctor's capable of caring about a granddaughter. He certainly shouldn't do f***ing puns. (10/13)
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Strong "meeting of the Dalek Alliance on Kembel" vibes here.
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Reminder that Bagpuss has a special sea captain's hat and claims it's from the days when he was "Captain Bagpuss". Never mind "Better Call Saul", this is the prequel series we deserve. (Just check out that guy with the concertina.)
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This week on Biological Determinism vs Humanity: men who enjoy sex with women are gay, transgender people obviously regret transitioning even though we haven't bothered asking them, Palestinian children are genetically evil.
Even early-20th-century eugenicists weren't this shit.
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My five favourite (genuine) titles of deleted Wikipedia articles:
- 1933 in Video Gaming
- Judaism and bus stops
- Blowing up Wales
- World's second-largest ball of Anna Nicole Smith's navel lint
- Werewolf with robot hands
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And even his nature's changed. Sutekh considers all non-god life to be beneath him, yet he's capable of MESSING WITH THE DOCTOR'S HEAD OVER EMOTIONAL ISSUES and SETTING THINGS UP SO THERE'S A HUGE PUN INVOLVED.
Okay, another comparison here, but I think a crucial one... (7/13)
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"Thunderbirds" has really dated badly, hasn't it? These days we know that if a billionaire owned a fleet of experimental rescue vehicles, he'd send them into the field without testing, get in the way of the official rescue effort, then accuse the rescuers of being child abusers.
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Honestly, I was expecting the overlap of people who've seen "Encanto" and people who remember "Lungbarrow" to be rather smaller.
I was a "Doctor Who" person in the 1990s, and we thought fandom was camp *then*. If you'd told us that by 2022 we'd be referencing Disney musicals -
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In 1984, Mattel introduced "She-Ra, Princess of Power" to its Masters of the Universe range. That same year saw American serial killer Richard Ramirez, AKA "the Night Stalker", begin his reign of terror.
Conservative MP Nick Fletcher says Doctor Who being played by a woman has pushed young men into crime.
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Immigrants don't kill communities; colossal business interests do. Supermarkets have vastly more power over our lives than Muslims, and have done far more damage to what's considered "proper" Britain, not to mention workers' rights. Yet fascists never declare war on Asda. 7/8
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As we celebrate the anniversary of the TV series, let's not forget the legacy of the Doctor Who Cinematic Universe.
#DoctorWhoDay
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I've set up a Mastodon. I left huge footprints at the crime scene and made it look like the victim was impaled on a tusk.
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In "The Curse of Fenric", it's revealed that the Doctor first met Fenric in the Persian desert and challenged him with a chess problem. This works really well: Fenric's presented as something like a malicious djinn, and we all know that desert-spirits can't resist a bet. (8/13)
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A very nice man called Keith just came round with a camera and some lights to interview me about '90s Doctor Who novels. I tried to wear my mask (the rabbit one), but it kept slipping off my nose, so he got loads of footage of my blushing-red face intensely leaning into the lens.
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Davies has form in this area. One of the many, *many* problems with the fan-spasm of "Journey's End" is that he wrote Davros as a bog-standard gloating villain, ignoring the character's original pathology. The result is a big-name enemy who's there because he *has* to be. (11/13)
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What's astonishing is how the meaning (or at least implication) of the term "AI" has shifted in less than two years. "AI could destroy civilisation" used to mean "humans could be wiped out by robots", now it means "human culture could be wiped out by awful artless greedy people".
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Excrescential Time Lord insists on using wrong console room. Can he suspect my malign presence? Have devised insidious counter-strategy:
1. Call forth armies of termites to consume fancy wooden panelling.
2. Destroy termites. (All life is my enemy.)
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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[Checks calendar.] Yeah, I'm pretty much free after 2022, if the BBC wants to give me a bell? Although I'm not casting Kris Marshall.
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But when the '90s novelists brought Lovecraftian Elder Gods into Doctor Who, it was suggested that Fenric was... Hastur the Unspeakable.
Hastur. An entity incapable of even acknowledging humanoid bacteria.
Playing chess.
Yeah, and I hear Cthulhu's quite keen on darts. (9/13)
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"...or I might trick Davros into blowing up your whole planet, we'll see how I feel."
#DoctorWho
#iPlayer
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Unutterable Gallifreyan has taken me to planet where natives worship him as God of Evil. Am gaining new insight into Terran phrase "he's taking the piss". In retribution, shall extract piss from him via anti-matter speculum, drop by agonising drop.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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I said something nice about a new episode and immediately lost a bunch of followers. Ehh, I think I see what's expected of me around here.
A
#DoctorWho
-loving friend came over, and we re-watched "The Church on Ruby Road" together. On second viewing, I'm moving it up from "yeah, that was a nice bit of fun for Christmas" to "actually, this is genuinely really good".
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Of course, nobody can hear the name of our new monarch without thinking of the iconic King Charles spaniel.
Characterised by a high domed forehead, big floppy ears, a perpetually baffled expression, and congenital problems caused by generations of in-breeding, th
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"Mean Girls" should've been part of a trilogy with "Median Girls" and "Mode Girls".
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Magenta and Cyan share their memories of the late Clive Sinclair.
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Aboard vessel smuggling alien narcotic. Suffering such tedium after Time Lord's pratfalls that I, Lord of Suspicious Dust, have decided to try some. Find it doubtful this base chemical could greatly affect mind of an Osirian, and Dougal agrees with me.
#SecretDiaryOfTARDISSutekh
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[Italian-American accent.] "Yo, Sutekh became visible outside the church because when he landed with the TARDIS in 2004, he saw the one thing beyond his comprehension."
"Oh yeah? What?"
"Your MOTHER!"
[Crowd goes "WHOAH!"]
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"Babybel" implies the existence of the Mother Bel, a vast queen-cheese deep in the subterranes of rural France who secretes her rind-armoured larvae through uncountable uterine edam ducts. Bon appétit, mammal.
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(You realise, of course, that you could do the whole "We Don't Talk About" number with traumatised ex-companions? Ian and Barbara as Félix and Pepa, still recovering from their abduction. A jumpy, paranoid Ace as Dolores. The doomed Kamelion as Camilo, because EVEN THE NAME...)
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Going to re-watch tonight's
#DoctorWho
now, because I secretly loathe myself and will always sabotage my own desires.
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2022: anti-vaxxers begin a campaign to end the ban on dumping bodies into the river. "Next thing you know, they'll be telling us we can't even cannibalise our grandparents," say Right Said Fred.
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I sort of like that. It's about cynicism without being cynical. If the programme did this every week then it'd be unwatchable, but we can have the occasional "Caves of Androzani" moment where everyone's appalling except the TARDIS crew.
What I'm saying is, it's growing on me.
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ME: Has conditioning-by-trope really debased our idea of humour to such a level that you can give the impression of having constructed a joke just by making a banal cultural observation and adding a generic punchline?
INTERVIEWER: I meant, do you have any questions about the job.
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