The UnReal Times
@TheUnRealTimes
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220,979
Following
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Media
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Statuses
29,849
India's favourite satire handle. Not to be confused with real news. Authors of bestsellers 'Unreal Elections' & 'Unreal Aliens'.
India
Joined May 2011
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Pinned Tweet
"Unreal Aliens" makes it to Amazon's "Memorable Reads of 2016". Thank you folks!
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Snapshot of our diary entry detailing payments made to various folks - placed at an easy-to-find location in our office for convenience of income tax officials who may want to raid us
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LEAKED: Rahul Roushan's gmail inbox after release of his book 'Sanghi who never went to a shakha' (by
@ashwinskumar
); cc:
@rahulroushan
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In a late night operation, a crack team of trained BJP workers rappelled onto the 10-Janpath compound, crawled their way into the building avoiding sentries and spotlights, tiptoed towards the dingy basement where Mani Shankar Aiyar was chained and released him back into the wild
Mani Shankar Aiyer is back!!
After begging Pakistan to help them remove PM Modi and rejecting the Pulwama attacks, he is now insisting that India should respect Pakistan & be afraid of them as they have atom bombs which they can use on India!!
He outdoes himself everytime!!
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JUST IN: Pakistan declares that its air space will remain closed for another five years.
#ElectionResults2019
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Our source in Pakistan reports that all those edits in Wg Cdr Abhinandan's video were to cut out the moments when he burst out laughing at the script
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Modi turns to Amit Shah after watching Sam Pitroda's latest quote: "You said we did well in Phase 3. Why this then?"
Shah: "Aise hi saheb. Just wanted to really nail it."
Modi (shaking his head): "It's overkill. Acha nahi hua!"
Shah: "Hua to hua!"
The two burst out laughing.
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Brings down F-16 with a Mig-21
Ejects in enemy territory
Calmly absorbs blows of rabid mob
Coolly sips chai in enemy camp
#AbhinandanMyHero
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JUST IN: Serial cheater husband apologizes to his wife and makes a promise
#TheWire
#OurTakeIfWeWereStillActive
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JUST IN: Sanjay Jha's dog takes charge of India's nuclear program
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Somewhere in a dungeon in the basement of 10 Janpath, Mani Shankar Aiyar is gripping the bars of his 6x6 cell and pleading to Sonia and Rahul. "Let me goooooo! Pleaseeeeee! Why should Sam have all the fun?"
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Pakistan patting themselves on the back saying that Indian aircraft went right back after bombing
#Balakot
. To bhai settle hone thode hi na aaye the!
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Dear
@ICC
, There should be a woke bonus rule where a team with a woke captain gets 30 runs over and above the team’s total
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Modi: This Electoral Bond issue has handed the initiative to the opposition. What to do?
Shah: Let me make a call, Saheb
… an hour later…
Rahul Gandhi: Our fight is against Shakti! Blah blah bak bak..
…
Shah (pointing at TV): OK, saheb?
Modi: Perfect. I will do the rest!
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If Trudeau doesn't provide proof soon, Modi will probably get frustrated and release the proof himself
If Canada does NOT provide proof Modi & BJP in 2024 Lok Sabha ⬆️ 10-20 seats (313-323)
If Canada DOES provide proof BJP in 2024 Lok Sabha ⬆️ 50-60 seats (353-363) aka 2/3rds super majority.
Modi’s literally praying to all the gods that Trudeau provides the proof.
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BJP leader: "Sir, can you send him to campaign in our state?"
Nadda: "Modi ji? Possible. I'll have to check with his office"
"No, not Modi ji"
"Acha, Yogi ji? That'll be easier. Let me get back to you"
"No, not Yogi ji"
"Then who?"
"Sam Pitroda"
"No, sorry, he's fully booked."
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COMIC: Why Sonia Gandhi isn't happy about Rahul Gandhi's "proof" of the Prime Minister's corruption (via
@karthlax
)
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A Trinamool Congress worker standing in front of invading Indian army tanks, in Kolkata (via
@manithan34
)
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Mani Shankar Aiyar, sitting in the dugout with pads on and watching Sam Pitroda bat, can’t wait to get in on the action
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JUST IN: PM Modi calls up Rahul Gandhi, implores him to reconsider. Asks him to stay put until 2024.
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JUST IN: Gang that ran the fake Remdesivir racket to publish results in the Lancet
90% patients who got fake Remdesivir in Madhya Pradesh beat Covid
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We asked 10 office-goers about the jobs they were doing. 100% of them said that they were doing it because of majboori and that they would rather sip pina colada on a Goa beach
None of the pakora-walas I met had heard of the PM's remarks; all of them said this was a job they did out of 'majboori' (compulsion), not out of choice.. all from UP or Bihar.. more tonight at 9.30 pm on
@IndiaToday
tv
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List of top posts now occupied by BJP leader: President, Vice President, Prime Minister, BJP President, Congress Vice President...
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Even if Modi wins the Nobel Prize now, the headline by some journos would go "Narendra Modi may have won the Nobel, but Rahul Gandhi's hug ensured he lost the narrative"
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Dear
@narendramodi
@AmitShah
@BJP4India
, this is an ultimatum. Do something to stop the violence in West Bengal, else we will restart our website and over the next three years, do to you what we did to Rahul Gandhi and the Congress campaign in 2014.
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Once an arrogant little kid picked up a fight with the girl next door and was beaten black and blue. ‘I will get you tomorrow,’ he told her. The next day she stood ready for him, but the kid instead challenged the kid across the street. ‘Genius move, son!’ beamed his parents.
A smarter political move has not been witnessed in recent times. A hundred Modis can’t match the political deftness of the Gandhis.
#KaunSmriti
?
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FACEBOOK SNIPPET:
Media reactions to
#YogiAdityanath
's appointment as Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister.
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Babar Azam shows his class by throwing Hasan under the bus for the missed catch. Abuse Kohli how much ever you want, he would never have done so
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Wife just woke up, checked the door, turned to me and asked, "Doodh nahi aaya?" I replied, "Aayega to Modi hi".
I am now grumpily walking towards the Mother Diary outlet about a kilometer away.
#ElectionResults2019
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JUST IN: Pro-NATO IIT aspirant dumps "Problems in General Physics" by IE Irodov. "Who says I can't solve a single problem in this Putin book? I don't WANT to!" he thundered.
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Disclaimer:
We do not run this handle, nor was this our idea.
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JUST IN: Hundreds of Punjabis and Gujaratis seen on the streets of Srinagar checking out various properties.
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EXCLUSIVE: The most powerful weapon system demonstrated today in the Republic Day Parade
#IndianRepublicDay
http://t.co/ojKHLkskpG
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JUST IN: Tim Paine to resign from Australian cricket. Will move to Boston now for his new stint as Associate Professor of Cricket
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JUST IN: AAP sends showcause notice to Ashutosh for this anti-party tweet
Today's results will set the tone for the future politics in India. It's a historic day.
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JUST IN:
Bengaluru techies demand leave until Karnataka political drama ends, say they're unable to concentrate on their work.
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This video made my day.
#BuffaloSwag
The buffalo took a perfect revenge, such people shouldn’t be called human.
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JUST IN: Congress leaders rush to Rahul Gandhi's home to prove that they too can stand on their haunches & balance a crumb on the nose
#Pidi
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BREAKING: After India issues Visa to Chinese rebel, China hits back by inviting Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai
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Dear England,
You must be pissed. You do have the chance to get revenge. Do your best. Prepare green, seaming pitches and schedule Tests in overcast conditions in UK. We'll come with Bhuvneshwar Kumar, Bumrah, Shami and Mohammed Siraj
#IndvsEng
@MichaelVaughan
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JUST IN: Arvind Kejriwal roped in as brand ambassador of India Today's satirical series "So Sorry"
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[Media house in China]
Editor: Hey, done with article threatening India?
Writer: Yes, but it isnt scary enuf
Ed: Leave that to Indian media
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Prannoy Roy watches first three minutes of
#IshratCoverup
on Times Now and rings up Ravish Kumar: "Can you blacken the screen again, bro?"
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We read this letter so that you don't have to. Summary is as follows:
The apology part: "Sorry, iss baar pakde gaye!"
The promise part: "Next time nahi pakde jayenge, pakka!"
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*Man renovates his house*
Neighbour: "I reject the renovation in your house"
Pakistan rejects India's step to scrap
#Article370
, says will exercise all possible options to counter move
Read:
#Article370Scrapped
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Kejriwal calls up Mehbooba Mufti: "Welcome to the club. Don't worry, I'll tell you how to run a union territory with no powers"
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Sagarika Ghose to an angry Rajdeep Sardesai: "Honey, why did you quit Twitter?"
Rajdeep: "Go ask your mother!"
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Kid: Mamma, please buy me an ice-cream
Mother: No
*Kid starts wailing. Rahul Gandhi appears out of nowhere*
Rahul to kid: "PM Modi has taken the money for your ice-cream from your mom and given it to Anil Ambani"
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5 years ago, we predicted that something like this would happen.
We only got the party wrong.
Tom Moody roughed up by Congress workers after Moody’s Analytics blames Govt. for economic slowdown
http://t.co/ZxJmcLrx
via
@sharethis
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Dr. Subramanian
@Swamy39
has got his copy of
#UnRealAliens
!
Have you pre-ordered yours yet?
Pre-order here:
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BJP is sending defamation notice to AAP. AAP is sending defamation notice to BJP. If this were a Ramanand Sagar production, both these defamation notices will clash in the middle high in the air and drop to the ground harmlessly.
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Arnab just shouted Sunny Leone instead of Sunny Deol! Did you guys catch that?
#ElectionResults2019
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@coolfunnytshirt
@ani_digital
@ANI
To be fair, this clarification was useful, as many thought that the kid would go straight to the sets of Karan Johar's next film.
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To be fair, Dr. Manmohan Singh has to be credited too for this operation. He lulled Pak into complacency by doing nothing whatsoever
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Sunny Deol vote share comprises of = BJP/Modi supporters + Gadar fans + People who thought Sunny Leone was contesting
#ElectionResults2019
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Arnab has not interrupted the PM for more than 10 seconds. Sab mile hue hain ji ~ Arvind Kejriwal.
#PMSpeaksToArnab
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People don’t understand Rahul. He is playing the long game. Assuming Congress gets 50 seats now, it is a 12% increase over 2014. Assuming they grow at same rate, Congress will form Govt on their own in 2094. Rahul thus has a 75 year game plan
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Yahan se pachas pachas kos door gaon mein... jab jihadi raat ko rota hai, toh handler kehta hai bete soo ja.. soo ja nahi toh Mirage aa jayega...
#PakSholay
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Dear media,
Now that
#PVSindhu
is in final, pls don't gand machao by badgering her parents, friends, neighbors, watchman, dog, parrot etc
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Look at him stand tall and proud in the enemy camp. What a lion!
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Sidhu arguably enters the most challenging phase of his political career. He'd be required to keep a straight face in all of RaGa's speeches
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Regressive Modi government! From a technologically advanced era where a robot delivered I-Day speech, we've returned to humans!
#ModiSpeech
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So now he wants to be in power in the entire country before he does something. And God forbid if he does become the PM, he will probably point to stubble burning in Pakistan and say ‘Let’s find solutions as Akhand Bharat’. MC.
See pollution in North Indian towns. Its not just Punjab and Del. Entire North India suffering from severe pollution. Lets stop blame game. Lets find solutions as a country
Its our first yr in Punjab. Punjab govt tried its best in short time. By next yr, we shud see good results
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Yogendra Yadav sleeping as The Ashutosh uses his superpowers to levitate him (via
@ajayendar
)
http://t.co/rOSYg7wR3L
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Arun Jaitley: "PM Modi stole my budget speech :("
Suresh Prabhu: "At least you still have a budget.. :("
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Will be fun if BJP continues the suspense by having the CM take the oath with a Modi mask on his face
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JUST IN: Thousands of Indians quit Twitter after Rajdeep Sardesai deactivates his account. "Who will we troll now, yaar?" said one.
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FB Snippet: When Nawaz Sharif asks the Pakistan American community to organize a speech at Madison Sq
#ModiAtMadison
http://t.co/xOGbCGrI9y
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Modiji: “Mitron, six days of the week you try to pass your time somehow - through work, Netflix, random surfing etc. Sunday ki jimmedari meri!”
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He is a man on a mission.
He is single-minded. He is tireless. He is unstoppable.
He inspires. He galvanizes. He disrupts.
He is the manifestation of the idea that one man can make a difference.
He is.. wait? you thought we were talking about Modi? Nah.
He is Sam Pitroda.
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JUST IN: UP journalist hospitalized with high blood pressure after Yogi Adityanath does nothing for half an hour
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Modiji hasn't yet commented about
#SurgicalStrike
. Would be totally badass if his next tweet is a Happy Birthday to some random PM somewhere
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Sir, the last time you tried this format for predicting election results, your dog turned into a nuclear scientist...
Seriously, if Nirmala Sitharaman is an economist I am a belly dancer.
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JUST IN: Arvind Kejriwal to show how to make scrambled eggs in the next Delhi Assembly session
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Laughter quota for the week. Check.
Congrats Sagarika. As a leader, You are ahead of Sushma ji and Smriti Irani.
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Virat Kohli (wakes up with a start from his nap): "I had this nightmare that Vinay Kumar was still in RCB. Phew!"
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China says RaGa met ambassador. Congress says no. If neither is lying, we've to consider a mind-boggling possibility - there is another RaGa
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Waiting for Bangladeshi media to blame Dhoni for always finishing with a big shot and tempting their batsmen to do the same
#IndvsBan
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JUST IN: India hits back and hits back hard at China; Identifies 6 more Chinese dishes for paneerification
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India should consider repaying Pakistan's "humane" gesture by gifting them with a Mig-21 to make up for their F-16 loss. We could give them a pilot too. I hear Rahul Gandhi said somewhere that he trained as a pilot...
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Not a nice thing to say about Rajdeep. He's not so bad.
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JUST IN: Rahul Gandhi invites Akhilesh Yadav to join him on an introspection trip abroad for an unspecified duration
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Low rumblings of thunder heard in parts of Mumbai. Meteorological department rubbishes any chances of thunderstorms. "It is just Arnab clearing his throat," they say
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Putin calls up Trump on the hotline.
Trump: "Hello?"
Putin: LOL *cuts the call*
#Mig21vsF16
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The Naatu Naatu song every BJP leader, worker and supporter is dancing to...
#ManiShankarAiyar
#SamPitroda
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