shoshana || שושנה
@TheTonightSho
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i teach, i write, i watch tv, i’m jewish 🏳️🌈 (she/her) “it's like if eliyahu did insta” -elissa goldstein
australia
Joined March 2019
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here is a thread of all the idiotic jewish merch i have made for no reason other than (1) it made me laugh or (2) i couldnt sleep until i forced others to bear witness to my visions.
theyre all available as tshirts, hats, stickers + more
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personally i think this is the funniest joke that has ever been made
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shana tova to the australian bureau of statistics who once again has issued the most specific holiday greeting
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nobody asked but if i had to write a jewish chanukah romcom it would be about a bookshop owner who works next to a kosher bakery and they team up to fight the local small business association who tries to force them to put up christmas decorations every year and also theyre gay
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there’s a very specific jewish version of getting milkshake ducked which is finding out a well known brand is somehow connected to nazis and the holocaust. i wanna call it getting hugo boss’d
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the best news in the entire world is that my brother knows raygun and is weirdly defensive of her break dancing
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i think jews should pivot away from demanding christmas-esque chanukah romcoms and instead establish chanukah as a horror movie holiday just so we can have a franchise called The Festival of Frights
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my (90f) husband (100m) had three guests (♾) over out of the blue, with no prior warning. when i was preparing them lunch, i overheard one of them tell my husband that we would have a baby soon &laughed loudly bc of our infertility issues but my husband says that was rude. aita?
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hello i spent all shabbos thinking that if we ever do get a jack black as tevye Fiddler on the Roof, i want it to be muppet style where every other character is played by a muppet except jack blacks tevye
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CATHOLIC CONSPIRACIES ABOUT JEWS: they killed our god, they murder our children and bake their blood into their weird bread
JEWISH CONSPIRACIES ABOUT CATHOLICS: give us our fancy candelabra back pls
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didn’t have “the little yiddish boy from duolingo is a flat earther” on my 5783 bingo card and yet here we are
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jews are inherently good at twitter bc this site's entire premise is 'what am i going to be angry about today' and jews have been waking up every morning and thinking that very question for our entire existence
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shout out to the most specific chanukah greeting i’ve seen this year
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jewish holidays are filled with so many amazing learning opportunities. for example, my mother teaches me how to set the table every time i set the table, despite the fact i am 27 years old and set the table every time we need a set table.
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fuck cottagecore. from now on im all about jewishcore. messy bookshelves w oversized leather books & silverware u haven’t polished in forever &freshly baked challah on a friday night that u can see the steam rising out of &kippot slightly askew & singing zemirot on shabbos
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the talmud according to conspiracy theorists:
if you see a non jew in the street slap them in the face and pee on them, the non jew is vile and we hate them so much
the actual talmud:
the rabbis are disagreeing about farting at work again :(
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POV: your parents said they’re ready to leave shul and go home for lunch but then they started talking to their friends and you have to wait until they’re good and ready to leave
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when ur the first one to wash for hamotzi and u sit back down but everyone else is chatting in the kitchen
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this is blowing up so:
if you want to support jewish people, consider investing in jewish education! either locally or online resources or whatever.
or just give me $20 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Judaism Isn’t Hiding Strong Empowering Female Characters From You, Your Hebrew School Education Was Lacklustre And Focused More On Zionism Than It Did Tanach And Religious Studies: a novel by me
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idk why target chose chanukah gnomes as a thing but god i love them so much
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jews be like you know what this soup needs? a billion little yellow things
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"jews run hollywood" and yet i have to see leonard bernstein played by bradley cooper in an obscene gigantic nose prosthetic. cool.
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's a cake
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *grabbing a giant knife and getting back on the rocket ship* moon's a cake
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everyone is on sea shanty tiktok but nobody is on babies doing an irish jig tiktok
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duolingo yiddish is helpful because it gives me everyday, relatable phrases to learn
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“ashkenazi food is bland and boring” ok but have you considered our ancestors were ✨poor and oppressed✨
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the good news is we’ve grown by almost 9000 yidden since 2016
shout out to the most specific chanukah greeting i’ve seen this year
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i don’t know who needs their day ruined but pesach is in 90 days
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your bubbe's 'special friend' who brings her own candy to throw at the bar mitzvah boy
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article: i bet you didn’t know these celebs are jewish!
me: i know every jewish celebrity. you will not surprise me.
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how fucked up is it that jews are made to feel guilty over the fact that our genocide is acknowledged and remembered, especially when holocaust-denial is so prevalent.
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for those saying you can’t laugh bc you’re not jewish:
you can laugh if you’re not being weird about it.
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new theory is that God appears less in Ruth+Esther not because of lessons in Hashgacha Pratis but because women just get shit done. God only appears in stories about men because the men do NOTHING and God has to be like 'ok here's a GIANT SIGN to point you in the right direction'
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other options i considered:
IBM’d
maggi noodle soup’d
chase national bank’d
allianz’d
nestle’d
adidas’d
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give me a movie where God hires benoit blanc to solve who ate the fruit
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absolutely obsessed with this photo of rob lowe at the kotel where he looks the most out of place i’ve ever seen a man look
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this dude who tells the PM to get off the grass is my new favourite person
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pharaoh’s advisors when he starts throwing babies in the river
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the tunnel was leading to the vatican and they were gonna get the menorah back
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gonna have three kids and name them chaim, yitzchak, and ahuva.
… live laugh love.
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quite literally cannot stop watching this video of steven spielbergs mother name dropping him to the lubavitcher rebbe.
we have no choice but to stan.
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i imagine rivkah lying in bed beside her husband. they haven't been married for long, a few months maybe. they're still getting to know one another, learning the each other's likes and dislikes, favourite meals and least favourite members of avraham's household (1/8)
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the reason we dont have a jewish halloween is because we spread the spookiness throughout all of our holidays. pesach? invite a ghost to our dinner. sukkot? invite a ghost to dinner FOR SEVEN NIGHTS. rosh hashana/yom kippur? think about our impending maybe deaths all day.
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Sorry, but
@sneako
is correct. Racism is Jewish. Jews invented race in the Middle Ages in Spain, prior to which there wasn’t a concept of race as we use it today. Jews were converting to Christianity en masse, so rabbis made up matrilineality to claim Judaism was in the blood. 🧵
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it’s finally time!!!!! make sure you play along at home!!
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me struggling to get thru a single book chapter
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wearing this to shul so i can catch all the bar mitzvah candy that gets thrown from the ladies section
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when ur mum makes you sit in shule and listen to the rabbi's dvar torah but you just want to play with your friends outside
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this image truly solidified the fact that america is just completely and totally unhinged but also im obsessed w it
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MY UNI LECTURER: can’t you get your rabbi go to write you a note excusing you from sabbath?
ME:
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this is literally the second thing to see in an official learning module for classical languages from my state's education department
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from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck
The Holocaust Memorial Garden in Hyde Park has now become a makeshift Queen Memorial Garden
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ok there are 412 doors, minus 35 bathroom doors. that leaves 377. let's say a cheap klaf alone costs around $100USD. that's almost $40,000 before you even factor in cases.
doug emhoff start your mezuzah go fund me now
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when you want a mini bagel with smoked salmon and a parsley garnish or tuna with a pickle slice garnish from the kiddush table but they only have egg salad with green onion garnish
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ok but very technically this is a golem. got emet written on him and everything.
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i’ve said it before i will continue to say it until the day i die, the fact that one of the biggest records of jewish life across CENTURIES exists because people were like “you know what, we’ll deal with cleaning that tomorrow” is just astounding
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'is maisel good for the jews' this and 'is this other thing good for the jews' that. you wanna know what's good for the jews?? a nap. and maybe a sandwich.
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here’s my grandfather’s tefillin. embroidered with his initials by his mother, and smuggled in his coat through work camps and a death march. and according to a sofer who looked over them recently, originally made in the 1800s and made from sheepskin.
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personally i think the weirdest jewish law is that in order for a restaurant to be kosher it has to sell sushi no matter the cuisine
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in case you’re wondering (and i know you were) the chanukiah in rugrats chanukah is prepared and lit correctly according to halacha ❤️✨🥰
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oh and if you’re curious this doesn’t include companies that were founded by nazis, or where owners benefited.
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RANKING WAYS TO REFER TO JEWISH PEOPLE
jews: 5/10 to the point but can be wielded as a pejorative
jewish people: 6/10 a mouthful, too many letters for succinct tweeting
chosen people: 4/10 makes us sound like we won a lottery
yidden: 100/10 full of flavour, full of love
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concept: a t-shirt that says “i went to chelm and all i got was this lousy pair of pants”
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don’t frum shame but also don’t let a guy whose entire shtick is being The Only Right Jew get away with watching the barbie movie in the 9 days
My producers dragged me to see ‘Barbie’ and it was one of the most woke movies I have ever seen. My full review of this flaming garbage heap of a film will be out on my YouTube channel tomorrow at 10am ET.
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the first guy who wrote the torah down on a scroll and then also added a bunch of heavy wood and precious metal and velvet
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so apparently some of my students saw me holding hands with my date after the phoebe bridgers concert last night, because today they said "it's so smart that you were holding hands when you were crossing the road because street safety is important"
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hey hashem sent me this meme and asked if i could pass it along to u all
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there are no good jews or bad jews. there are simply jews who say shabbat and jews who say shabbes. you have to decide which one you are.
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i’m sorry your teachers sucked but we learned all of this
In holocaust education they purposely leave out how Germany had camps prior, for Namibians that they had colonized. They leave out that Jews fought back . They leave out the Afro-German, Romani, Asian/African Jews murdered. To paint the image of a passive perfect white victim
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jews are so cute. wanna read the torah? let's give it a lil kiss first. wanna enter a room? let me give this doorpost a tiny smooch. finished reading a holy book? kiss it quick when you close it. i love us and our very specific cultural love language.
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been thinking of ways to make simchat torah easier and just hear me out
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“this couple” do you mean every jewish somewhat orthodox aligned couple who’s gotten married p much ever
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got questions about judaism? feel free to ask me! but know that i will only give wrong answers.
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everybody wants to talk about cultural resets but nobody wants to talk about this?????????????? smh.
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in depth long conversations vs ha ha it’s complicated
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is this what they mean when they say boys will be boys
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the answer is i’ve written this as a short story already and it was delightful if i may say so myself. i should write it into a script and sell it to (((hollywood)))
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wow kamala replacing joe at the beginning of the week where parsha talks about yehoshua being named as moshe’s successor….. hashem u never miss lmaooo
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idk who needs to hear this but rosh hashana is in 24 days
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JEWS: follow the lunar calendar very closely, have multiple important rituals and holidays based on timing and calendars and knowing what month it is, has maintained this calendar for a long long time
ALSO JEWS: what the fuck do you mean shavuos is next week
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the absolute minefield of code switching between saying gut shabbes and shabbat shalom to strangers as they walk past you on the street
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RASHI COMMENTING ON TALMUD: here is a scenario that explains this confusing word slash concept hope that was helpful
RASHI COMMENTING ON TORAH: moshe was wearing rollerskates the whole time but hashem just didn’t want to draw attention to it so it’s never mentioned explicitly
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