I’ll tell ya what, I’m not sure who that number 52 is for Chicago, but that guy can play. That’s the type of player you want on your team, man. I’m going to have to do some research on this guy
Wow. The Browns finally winning a football game is like the ice cream machine working at McDonald’s. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does it’s a special treat, man. Get me a McFlurry
The reports are true, man. Khalil Mack has been traded to the Bears in exchange for an actual bear. He will play defensive end for us and will go by the name “Rupert.” Raider Nation, please give Rupert a warm welcome
I’ll tell ya what, if you run Spider 2 Y Banana on the goal line tonight at 11:59:54, you’ll be in the end zone right as the clock strikes midnight. Wow. Start your new year off right, man
I’ll tell ya what, watching Patrick Mahomes throw the football is like music to my ears, man. He reminds me of that one West Virginia song. Take Mahomes country road. Wow
Wow. Tom Brady to Tampa Bay. Seeing him in a Bucs jersey will be like seeing Jordan on the Wizards, Montana on the Chiefs, and that Verizon guy when he switched to Sprint. Can you hear me now, man? What a time to be alive
Accidentally walked in the ESPN booth before the game, man. For a second I forgot I coach now. It was like accidentally driving to your ex’s house with your girlfriend in the car. Wild
Patriots and Jaguars. I’ll tell ya what, Jaguars are cats but today they’re dogs, man. Underdogs, that is. Reminds me of that cartoon called CatDog back in the day. What a wild show that was
Yes, the rumors are true about Antonio Brown. He did not receive a toy in his Happy Meal while at the team facility and was visibly upset. One thing led to another, and now he has locked himself in the bathroom. That is all of the info I can give right now, man
Carson Wentz. I’ll tell ya what, I love this guy I really do. I like to call him Carson Cents because when he’s on the field, he’s dropping dimes, man. He’s like a clumsy cashier. Wild
Joe Burrow. Love this kid. First he was a Tiger and now he’s a Bengal. The last Joe I knew that had that much to do with tigers ended up in prison because of that bitch Carole Baskin
The Browns tied. Wow. That’s like winning one dollar on a one dollar scratch-off lottery ticket. You didn’t win, but you still have your dollar, man. It’s a step in the right direction
I’ll tell ya what, I feel for the Cowboys. Missing a game-tying field goal at the end of the game is like driving to Chick-fil-A on a Sunday. You made it there but you’re not getting anything, man. I’m hungry
I’ll tell ya what. Losing stinks, but losing to one of the smartest animals on Earth makes it a little better, man. Dolphins are very intelligent mammals so I’m not even sure if this should count as a full loss.
@NFL
Let me know please
I’ll tell ya what, it feels great to be back in Oakland. I feel like I’m the McRib making a comeback to
@McDonalds
. Can we get a restaurant built in the locker room as soon as possible? That’d be wild, man. Go Raiders
I’ll tell ya what, Drew Brees looks fresh out there tonight. He’s like a bottle of Febreze, man. Wow. Eliminate defenses with a bottle of Drew Febrees. What a time to be alive
Christian McCaffrey. I’ll tell ya what, this guy might as well play football in a taped up box because he’s the whole package, man. Call UPS, he’ll get you free shipping right to the endzone
Wow. Tom Brady does it again. I’ll tell ya what, he ate up that Jacksonville defense in the 4th quarter like they were a Tide Pod, man. What a time to be alive
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL, MAN
I’ll tell ya what, Leonard Fournette knows how to run the football. That guy can score anytime he wants, man. I like to call him Leonard Scorenette. Wow
I’ll tell ya what, Jordy Nelson can make defenses hurt. It’s like he puts them in a full nelson, man. Yep, I’m going to call him Jordy Full Nelson. Welcome to the team, man
I’ll tell ya what, Case Keenum is making a case for himself as an elite quarterback. I said it, man. That guy has ice water in his veins. Just call him Cold Case. Wow
I’ll tell ya what, Jarvis Landry is all over the field. I love it. That jersey of his is never clean, man. I’m going to call him Jarvis Laundry. Somebody get that man some Tide
Seahawks and Falcons. Get the bird seed ready because these two teams are hungry, man. I used to have a bird when I was little. His name was Sprinkles... I miss you, Sprinkles
Wow. I don’t believe what I just saw. Stefon Diggs with the game winning touchdown as time expires. Get that man a shovel because Diggs just dug the Vikings a hole to the NFC Championship. That was wild, man
Going straight to the regular season without a preseason is like skipping cheese sticks and going straight for the wings, man. Somebody get me a paper towel, football is back
Wow, scoring more points than the other team is pretty fun, man. I could get used to this winning thing. I feel like a kid that just won a stuffed animal out of one of those claw machines. I’ll tell ya what, those things are difficult
I’ll tell ya what, this Grammy’s show is wild. Imagine if there was an awards show for grandmas called The Granny’s. I know mine would win Grandma of the Year, man. She’s a saint
Wow. I love Luke Kuechly. This guy reads routes like they’re a magazine, man. You can call him The Kuechly Weekly. Now that’s a magazine I’d subscribe to
Drew Brees now has the most passing yards in NFL history. Wow. I’ll tell ya what, if you leave a receiver open around this guy he’ll make you pay, man. That’s why I like to call him Drew Fees
I’ll tell ya what. Everybody is talking about storming Area 51, but more people need to be talking about ways to storm the quarterback. A solid pass rush is an essential key to victory, man