The April 💙
@TheEmpressApril
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2,371
Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Liberal. Freelance Writer. Sapiosexual. Lesbian. Atheist. Satanist. ITNJ. Sociopath. Narcissist. 🏳️🌈 #UCLA #MiraCostaMustangs #Browns #Trek
Manhattan Beach, CA
Joined April 2010
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
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Oh Tomi, Tomi, Tomi. It's "you're", darling. And he's 78. Have a smart person help you with the math, little one, and quit trying to matter. You don't.
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The best part of hashtags like
#trumpreinstated
is that we just get to keep reliving, over and over and over how gloriously stupid these Trump people truly are.
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I wonder if the guy who sculpted the Baker Mayfield statue just had a torn labrum in his shoulder, but insisted on chiseling anyway.
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Can COVID be transmitted through farts? Asking for a friend.
Rudy Giuliani.
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@305Buckeye
Tell me you know nothing about the NFL without telling me you know nothing about the NFL. This is the most inaccurate take I've read all month. 🤣
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@KweenVampire
I'm so tired of this narrative for cheap likes. I'm as Democratic and liberal as it gets, but Tebow had an announcer's job before and he happens to be good at it. Kaepernick had his chance to return to football, and the NFL, and he wants WAY more money than he's worth.
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Deshaun Watson is meeting with the Falcons today. Where's the tearful goodbye drama-tweet from Matt Ryan, hinting at how "disrespected" he is? Oh wait. Matt Ryan's an adult. Nevermind.
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@itsJeffTiedrich
I wonder at what point we'll start seeing the Trumpsters lowering their flag to half bumper.
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Dear Trump Armada,
It was me.
Love, Aquaman.
#LakeTravis
#DumbKirk
#soupgate
#soup
#AntifaTerrorists
#poseidon
Antifa Navy
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So, if Republicans dislike minorities, does that mean they hate themselves now?
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She warned you about the Supreme Court eight and a half years ago, bitches. "bUt hEr eMaiLs!" You dumbfux.
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@RexChapman
They can, but please, no one try this at home with domesticated rabbits. Domesticated and wild bunnies are very different in terms of what they can tolerate.
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Personally, my favorite part of the New York Marathon is watching the reaction of the runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
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Trump cocktail: 8 oz of Baby Formula, 4 oz Russian Vodka, 4 oz Impeachment Schnapps, serve in a ba-ba with a chilled nipple.
#TrumpResign
#TrumpResignNow
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I have a sneaking suspicion that Count Chocula and Franken Berry might be cereal killers.
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I like boats that don't sink.
#LakeTravis
Lake Travis
#TrumpIsANationalDisgrace
#TrumpIsLosing
#TrumpHatesVets
#OBiden
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Personally, if I were at Laguardia, I'd be referring to Trump's plane as "Hairforce One".
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BREAKING: The FBI has released the first official artist's rendering of Skinny Joey.
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Twenty bucks says Wednesday night, Barack shows up at the front door of the White House with a twelve-pack of Rolling Rock and a 2008 mix-tape.
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I mean, honestly, looking back into the history of this Donald Trump fella, shouldn't his hair have been the first clue?
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My Pillow Guy: "I don't have enough cash, Kyle."
Ricky Schroder: "Hold my spoon, bro."
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There seriously needs to be a federal law for impersonating an NFL head coach.
#Browns
#FireFreddie
#FireKitchens
Should the
#Browns
fire Freddie Kitchens after another disappointing game?
RETWEET for Yes 👍🏽
LIKE for No 👎🏽
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I don't know what all the brouhaha is about. I too once spent a weekend in the mountains where I "rose from the dead" after a three-day hangover, and nobody worshiped me for it.
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Bought myself a royal blue vest and some buttons. Think I'm gonna head over to Walmart and point people in the wrong direction.
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@RudyGiuliani
"And the lawyers were nestled, all tucked in their beds.
While visions of 🍆 danced in their heads."
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@aimeeterese
Coming from someone who was stalked and *almost* raped, I wish I had about three rolls of duct tape to keep your fingers off the keypad right now. You're not helping. At all.
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If you can keep a straight face when a four-year-old asks if beavers eat wood, then you are far more mature than I am.
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But let's go ahead and vote for Jill Stein just like we did in 2016 because, "bUt hEr eMaiLs" and "gEnOCiDe," and give power right back to the orange fucking clown trying to tell women what we can do with our own fucking bodies, you fucking morons.
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"I hate those half-man, half-horse guys. They always have to be the centaur of attention." - Bad Ancient Greek Comedians
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@benschwartz_
@FrankConniff
And neither Lenny Bruce nor George Carlin were endangering millions of lives, because their word did not carry the strength of those spoken by the US President.
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@nowyuinterfere
@stillnotziora
Club, you should have quit while you were ahead, and by "ahead" I mean before you decided to use your thumbs to type words.
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@taradublinrocks
@tmart156
@arappeport
@Acosta
Hmm, yeah... I'm thinking all signs point to "no" on that Donald.
#GetADifferentMagic8Ball
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@Reflog_18
Cade York is so powerful, he can run around the earth and kick himself through the uprights from 80.
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Watching all of these mindless MAGA sheep grunting "1st Amendment!" and "I Stand With Trump", while losing their sense of direction because their orange shepherd dictator is too busy to tell them what to think, is the tonic I've waited eight years for.
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"You know, a lot of people think he goes away in January with the heat — as the heat comes in. Typically, he will go away in January."
#ByeDon
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@Scuba_Steve26
I really wish Herm Edwards were much more credible because it would be great if that comment actually held some weight.
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@_Ryvix_
@motivatefenty
Says the person who has to tweet 40+ times to find a follower and had to buy a fake blue checkmark to feel seen. Please, spew some more revisionist history with no basis in fact whatsoever.
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"Are you textin' to me? Hunh? Are you textin' me?" - Robert De Niro in Martin Scorsese's "Uber Driver".
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@johncusack
@pmo1346
Should look like this
@johncusack
when all is said and done. But Georgia's back in play now too.
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For me, one of life's biggest mysteries is trying to figure out why the first two guys in Superman were so excited about seeing a bird and a plane.
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I just realized Sprite has a Twitter. With 300k followers. What the fvck are they actually tweeting about? "Yup. We're still a lemon-lime soda. Kinda like 7-Up. Yep. Okay bye."
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So let me get this straight- You're saying it's perfectly acceptable for a basketball player to triumphantly throw the ball into the crowd to celebrate a hard-fought victory, yet it's "reckless" when I do it in bowling?
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This is perfection. "Nothing Matters" - If the Trumps were a sitcom.
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@theadammcintyre
@trishapaytas
Says the dude completely making up stuff about Colleen Ballinger and dropping C-bombs about Amber Heard to "make it about yourself or how much attention u can get." Have you received that 15th minute of fame yet?
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As I laid on the grassy bluff, reflecting over the ups and downs of my life, I was inclined to contemplate, "I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, 'Hey look, that one's shaped like an idiot.'"
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With respect to the COVID outbreak down in Miami, I find it bitterly ironic that the Corona commercial I just witnessed, literally used the slogan "There's a beach calling your name."
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I bet Alexander the Great was probably known as just Alexander the Adequate before he ate that delicious bowl of sugar-coated Frosted Flakes.
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@twithersAP
Jacoby Brissett is such a class fricking act. Love that guy. Hope he starts for somebody in 2023.
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@melilfoulus
@kopiopisarz
He didn't win shit. He lost $4 million in VA legal fees alone, exposing himself to the world in the process. Get your head out of your ass.
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BREAKING: Mike Richards out as Jeopardy host. Sony signs new, unknown host, Rike Michards.
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@buitengebieden_
They can, but please, no one try this at home with domesticated rabbits. Domesticated and wild bunnies are very different in terms of what they can tolerate.
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Good-looking
#Browns
head coach Kevin Stefanski rips off rubber mask, "And I'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids and their dog!"
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Neighbors. Must they pound on my door at 3 AM, when I am clearly just trying to relax and enjoy my 5.0 Surround Sound war movies in peace?
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Argue with me if you must, but I think a store that kicks you out for trying to pay with furs, rum and live birds shouldn't have the audacity to call themselves "Trader" Joes.
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How are so many car dealerships always able to have extravaganzas? I can't even find one vaganza.
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The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
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At first, I was like, "Why did this bundle of grapes just punch me in the back of the head?" but then I looked at the bag and saw that I'd accidentally purchased grapes of wrath.
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Can everybody please stop picking on Donald? He's just trying to see if maybe the Election Fairy will leave some votes under his My Pillow when he takes his afternoon nap.
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When guests come over and see the litter box, they always ask "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "Nope. That's for company."
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Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot".
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For me, I think the worst part about being sent to Hell would be touring all the dwellings where your friends live, because everyone would make the joke "Welcome to my personal Hell" and I bet that gets really old after awhile.
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Interview With The Vampire was made in 1994. It's hard to believe we've been hating Tom Cruise for over twenty-five years now.
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If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.
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@RayReedMO
Colin Kaepernick wouldn't last 5 minutes in a game against Mahomes, Allen or Burrow.
I liked the kneeling. But Kaep had his shot to come back and wanted to play diva instead. Since then the league has passed him by. Just stop with this silly narrative,
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My favourite part of the 1812 Overture is all of the homophobic, Jesus lovin' Trumpsters out there drinking Budweiser and watching fireworks to a song composed by a gay Russian.
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@AaronLyddon
@theadammcintyre
Thank you for illustrating why you have to tweet over 100 times to pick up a follower because, yeah, it kinda was "tho".
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@iamAtheistGirl
Come on now, AG. He's above spewing hatred, and just wants to share that with Atheists.
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I firmly believe that the moment when you try to convince people online that you graduated with all "honers", is precisely the exact second when everyone realizes that you didn't.
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Call me "old-fashioned", but some days I just feel like 1.5 oz of rye whiskey poured over muddled bitters in a rocks glass with ice, and then garnished with an orange and cherry flag.
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I prefer to wear bright, neon, MC Hammer era colors, just so other humans will assume I'm poisonous.
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I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding on top of the bed.
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