The Broke Agent
@TheBrokeAgent
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Real Estate Humor & Media BAM 💥 @nowbammedia
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Weird time in real estate right now:
Buyers are acting like it's 2008. Sellers are acting like it's 2021. And agents think the best way to explain the market is by pointing at disappearing captions on TikTok.
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Some days in real estate you just have to drive across town to show a buyer a house you know they won't like and know they can't afford just to teach them that they don't like it and can't afford it.
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Some fool at
@barstoolsports
and the
@kirkminshow
just attacked BAM. Pretty sure his name is
@davecullinane
Would love to see him debate
@ByronLazine
or do anything besides talk shit.
Let’s see it.
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I’m thankful for clients who don’t think they know more than me, non-alarmist inspectors, agents who want to actually work together, easy-open locks, sellers with fluffy dogs, and open houses with finger sandwiches and cookies.
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In real estate you can go from having five potential closings to none in the matter of minutes.
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If only clients understood how epic it is to successfully schedule five showings in a row, spaced out perfectly to spend the right amount of time at each property.
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Scheduling six consecutive showings, back to back, in the perfect order, with the ideal amount of time in between each one, is truly a work of art and doesn’t get enough praise.
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Real estate is an amazing industry. You can fail the exam five times, sell zero houses, and then somehow speak at conferences as a thought leader because you had one IG Reel that went viral.
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If you post listing photos with the toilet seat up you should have your real estate license revoked immediately.
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Real estate: Some days everyone and their mother needs something from you at the same time. Other days you’re not sure if you have a job.
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REALTOR CODE WORDS Part 1
Cozy: tiny
Hidden gem: shit box
Won’t last: will last
Motivated seller: desperate
Up and coming: ghetto
Stunning: completely normal
Feels like: doesn’t feel like
Good bones: about to collapse
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If a buyer says they are just "casually looking" they are either going to waste your time for three years or buy a house tomorrow with another agent.
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I just want a very successful real estate agent to say: "it's because I know everyone and my family is rich." Wouldn't that be refreshing?
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Attention Agents:
If you sell a lot of real estate you don't need to start coaching people how to sell real estate.
You can just...keep selling more real estate.
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As a real estate agent I have come across many real estate agents that make me think, “damn, this is why people hate real estate agents.”
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Being a real estate agent is constantly having conversations with non real estate agents who want to prove they know more about real estate than you.
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When you showed your buyer exactly what she was looking for and she hated it
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Are these guys even in an actual house or is that a green screen?
@ByronLazine
@kirkminshow
@stoolpresidente
@davecullinane
@kirkmin
Amenities War…debate him…I dare you
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If you hate the house, you don't need to see the garage and you don't need to spend another 40 minutes in the kitchen telling me everything you hate about it.
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Why does it seem like the most difficult deals are always for the least amount of money?
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If this was nostalgic for you it’s time to buy a house.
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When I said "Call me for all your Real Estate needs" I didn't mean call me for advice on a real estate transaction that I'm NOT involved in.
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People say realtors get paid too much. If you knew the shit we deal with you would think we don’t get paid enough.
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146
There are three types of people:
1) People that love Mondays
2) People that hate Mondays
3) People that don't notice Mondays because they work every day (Realtors)
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Real estate agents need their own holiday where everything gets put on pause and nobody can contact us for a day.
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As a real estate agent, I have come across many real estate agents that make me think, “omg this is why people hate real estate agents.”
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Today my friend asked me if it was exciting working in a real estate office. I told her it can be but it’s usually just a bunch of people asking each other if the WiFi seems slow.
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Me: “When are you available to see those properties? I can schedule them any day this week besides Thursday afternoon.”
Buyers: “How about Thursday at 3:00 PM?”
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Good morning to all agents except those who don't confirm or acknowledge that they received an offer.
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136
Let’s establish “realtor years” because we obviously age at a different rate than normal humans.
I’m thinking 1 realtor year = 3 human years.
Agree?
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And your client drove 30 minutes to see this place...
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130
Nobody will ever know all the little things agents do to keep a deal alive.
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132
When the guest at my open house says they don’t have an agent
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132
When you just got home and you realize there’s a key in your pocket from a showing that was an hour away
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131
You know what I find oddly satisfying?
This little scenario:
Property Description: "Won't Last!!!"
DOM: 297
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129
Good morning to everyone except agents who write their property descriptions in all caps.
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123
Buyer's Agent: "They have have 67 offers on it right now."
Buyer: "Got it ok. Let's go in strong at asking."
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People think real estate agents get paid too much. If people really knew the kind of shit we deal with, they’d actually think we get paid too little.
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If you ever want someone to show up to your open house start turning off the lights and closing up.
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Hey agents. If you put "won't last long!" in your property description and it sits on the market for 160 days...you should change it.
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You're not a real estate agent until you've experienced the hell that is a final walk through with the fridge missing.
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Merry Christmas to everyone except agents who don’t read the MLS descriptions and then call you with a hundred questions that can be answered by the MLS description.
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If you are thinking of getting into Real Estate be prepared to hear 1 piece of good news for every 25 pieces of bad news.
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Office: “You’re commission check has been cut, please come to the office and get it when it’s done flooding.”
Me:
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My show on HGTV would be like:
Billy is a 23 year-old DJ looking for a 3 month lease with no credit score.
Gary just broke up with his girlfriend and needs a place to crash for two weeks.
Dave might buy a condo in 8 months if he makes it big on Bitcoin.
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I used to get excited when I got a lead. Then, I used to get excited when I got a house under contract. Now, I only get excited two months after the deal closed when the house hasn’t some how exploded yet.
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119
Putting out and picking up open house signs might be the worst thing about being a realtor.
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When I haven’t yet responded to a client’s text/question I feel like it is burning a hole in my phone until I do.
Anyone else feel like this?
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Don't need 900 emails from realtors I've never met wishing me a "Happy Holidays."
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Buyers seem to think that a global pandemic means houses have lost 50% of their value.
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Person: What do you do?
Realtor: I’m in residential real estate.
Person: Oh cool. I will now spend the next ten minutes trying to convince you I know just as much, if not more than you about your job.
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I’ve been in real estate for five years and nobody’s asked me how many sections are in a standard township.
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Picking up open house signs is low key the worst thing about being a realtor.
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Buyers who say they are "casually looking" will buy something tomorrow with the listing agent.
Buyers who say they are "ready to buy something tomorrow" will put thousands of miles on your car for 14 months and then renew their lease.
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Hey agents, don’t upload close-up pics of staging decorations to the MLS. Highlighting a corner house plant in picture 58 will do nothing to sell the house.
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Nevada is every Docusign that's "viewed" but not completed.
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A fair question posed in a real estate Facebook Group
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This is real estate:
You are waiting on a phone call all day from a lender, agent, etc. You check your phone every 5 seconds. It never comes.
At the end of the day you take a shower. They call in that 4 minute time period. The second you get out you call back. No answer.
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Moist. Say it out loud. I work for "Moist Realtors." How is this possible?
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When the lock box won’t open, the listing agent won’t answer, and your client drove 40 minutes to see the house
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If you want to be a real estate agent you must be prepared to have a permanent pit in your stomach.
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106
The most difficult transactions are always for the least amount of money.
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111
Me watching the appraiser to make sure he doesn’t ruin the deal
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Realtors will say a house is "easy to show" and then hide an ancient lockbox around a snake that lives in a cactus.
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Me: Have you done any recent updates to the home that I should know about?
Seller: Yeah, we have a brand new roof we put on 16 years ago and a new A/C 8 years ago.
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Hey agents. Don't upload upside down pictures of the bathroom with your reflection in the mirror taken by a razor flip phone to the MLS.
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Just looked at my bank account and realized I don't have to sell another home as long as I die on Friday.
#ICNY
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Anytime you feel bad about yourself as a realtor remember there are agents out there who upload pictures of light switches to the MLS
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Some days in real estate you have multiple closings and it feels like the best career on the planet.
Other days you struggle getting a lock open in front of your clients for 30 minutes.
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A house that’s been on the market for 120 days has a competitive offer on it the second your buyer wants to submit. A tradition unlike any other.
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Being a real estate agent becomes a lot easier once you realize people don't have common sense... and you stop getting upset about it.
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Sometimes I show a home to a couple and think to myself, “damn.. these two should not be moving in together.”
But then I think to myself, “damn.. but if they do buy it and break up, I get three deals out of it.”
Anyone else think like this?
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NEW RULE:
Real estate agents fine buyers $50 for every house they show after the first 10.
After 20, it’s $100 a showing.
It keeps doubling every 10 until you hit 50 homes, in which case the buyer must verbally admit they are being an asshole.
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100
Realtor HACK:
Set up open house signs in front of your house and let the leads come to you.
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The life of a real estate agent:
Some weeks I think, “damn, I just need like one day off to get a break from this. I’m not taking any calls after 11 PM anymore.”
And other weeks I think, “damn, am I unemployed?”
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People think agents get paid too much but don’t know about the deals where we work hundreds of hours to get paid nothing.
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Client: "Is this a load bearing wall?"
Me: **taps on it and looks it up and down**
"I have no clue."
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“I’m a Top Producing, Luxury Agent in the top 1% of all agents.”
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I feel like my buyers hate me until they get an offer accepted.
Then, I feel like they hate me until the deal is closed.
Then, they temporarily love me until something breaks in the house and they hate me again.
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When you get your real estate license you will start to call EVERYTHING an "appointment."
Haircut = appointment
Car Wash = appointment
Happy Hour = appointment
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Being a real estate agent is constantly dealing with people getting mad at you for a decision that THEY made.
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Buyer you've worked with for two years, written 50 offers for, and drove 100,000 miles for:
"This must be the easiest money you've ever made."
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Buyer: “Let’s see this.”
Me: “You’re gonna hate the location.”
Buyer: “Still want to see it.”
Me: *drives fifty minutes to show it*
Buyer: “I hate this location.”
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101
You’re not a realtor if your entire family isn’t mad at you while on vacation.
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