The Archbishop of Banterbury🇬🇧
@TheArchBish0p
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Joined March 2010
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The difference between Britain and America
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When you’ve spent the entire night sitting out in the garden with your best pal chatting pure shit & you ask someone to take a pic
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Well June lasted for about 3 minutes and I'm pretty sure we just entirely skipped July
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Pre drinks are the fucking best. Whoever thought of drinking before drinking is an absolute genius
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When you’re feeling proper shit because the entire nation prefers Gordon Ramsay to you
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When you’re in absolutely no condition to drink anymore and your mate asks you if you want another drink
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Imagine paying £25 to look like you’re cutting about in fucking cling film
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Drastic measures are being taken in the UK
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AS IF it’s AUGUST in a couple days 😫 what the actual fuck has happened to this year
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Sitting at an after party at 7am thinking you should have gone home when you had the chance
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She's had a tough life, she's been to...
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Imagine trying to explain this image 6 months ago... welcome to 2020 😂
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Capri Sun needs to stop fucking about and bang out a 2L bottle already
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I swear when the UK gets the tiniest bit of sun it turns the entire country into a bunch of fucking alcoholics 😂
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A fine example of sophisticated British humour 🇬🇧
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Why do people censor the word fuck like “f*ck”?
Fucking great job mate, very well disguised. People will probably think it says roundabout
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The entire nation when Tunisia was given that penalty & we didn’t get ours
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Walking into the pub after you decide to fuck your job off on a Friday
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Some US states will ban abortion because it’s “murder” but doesn’t seem to have an issue when 20 kids are shot and murdered at school because twisted cunt can get their hands on an AK47
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When you’re losing your restaurant business & the entire nation is taking the piss cause you fucked up school dinners
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Do I regret all of the stupid shit I’ve done? Yes. Will I do it all again? Most fucking likely
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“I beg your pardon?” is the British equivalent to “what the fuck did you just say to me you little bitch”
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Glad to see Vicky Pollard has found herself a new career in politics
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*Gets in a taxi*
My brain -
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Me - “been busy tonight mate?”
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Really need to stop using “it’ll be funny” as an excuse to do reckless shit cause it never ends up actually being funny it just ruins my fucking life
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I can’t work out whether this lad is still in school or has worked in insurance for the last 25 years
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American after parties vs British after parties
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How annoying is it when you’re buzzing to tell your pal something & when you tell them they’re like “yeah I know” well why didn’t you fucking mention it then
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Do you ever just look at someone's post & think "no one actually gives a shit"
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If you don’t say “look there’s your best mate” to your pal when you see someone they hate are you even British?
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Never forget when Russell Brand went straight in with the risky jokes on Bake Off
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Imagine being one of those people who follow people just to unfollow them after they’ve followed you back. Hate it break to you mate but you’re not popular, you’re just a cunt
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How is it May in less than a week? I’m scare to blink in case I open my eyes and it’s 2072 & I’m lying in a retirement home with no teeth
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Oi does anyone else find it mad that the word bed actually kinda looks like a bed
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Why does Boris look like he’s ready to spark out this Primary School teacher?
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Remember the blue PE mats that were meant to cushion you but were actually more like concrete slabs of deception
#GrowingUpBritish
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Trains are cancelled because of the wind, yet my work still expects me to come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a fucking train
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If someone says another pancake joke I’m gonna fucking batter them
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Remember when the biggest problem in the UK was that everyone may have been eating horses??? Good days
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I just want a reasonably paying job. Something like £2,000 an hour, nothing too crazy
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All my pals are either settling down, moving out or having kids and then there’s me, still pushing on ‘pull’ doors😕
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I can’t be the only person who takes it personally when your pal doesn’t like your insta pic? Like what’s up pal? Where you at? You died?
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When you've just woken up & seen "you've been tagged in 25 photos"
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Do you know what I just love about waking up for work on a Monday? Absolutely nothing. Fuck off and let me sleep
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Watching your parents grow old is one of the saddest things man, knowing one day you’re going to have to continue life without them. I wish they’d live for ever, parents are precious
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There are two types of people in the world:
1. People who enjoy a little bit of banter
2. Boring cunts
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Wow pancake day really créped up on us this year didn’t it
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I was in the pub the other day and someone broke a glass but not a single person made the “waaaay” noise. Welcome to Brexit Britain
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How annoying is it when someone blatantly ignores your message? Like don’t be a pussy mate just tell me to fuck off
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Snapchat are taking the fucking piss by not letting us change our usernames. Why are you doing this to us? What did we do to deserve this? I’m not the same person I was in 2013
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The word ‘daddy’ has been soo sexualised that my kids are gonna have to call me bruv or some shit
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There are two types of people in this world:
1. People who enjoy a little bit of banter
2. Boring cunts
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“Hello, it’s me innit. Listen av tried bellin ya loads m8”
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Do you know what I like about people?? Absolutely fuck all. Leave me alone
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Being a sarcastic prick is great until you try to have a genuine conversation with someone and they can’t take a fucking word you say seriously
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“Sharon says her current payment of benefits doesn’t give her enough money to put food on the table.”
I think Sharon is lying.
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Girls who are flat chested always hate on girls who actually have tits like “she’s got no arse” haha ok no need to be jealous young man
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Do you ever just look at someone and think “cunt”
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Fucks me off that eyelashes are supposed to prevent stuff from getting in your eyes but whenever I have something in my eye, it’s always a fucking eyelash. How eyeronic.
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Fireworks proper shit me up when you’re not expecting it sitting all quiet until bang out of no where and you think the Germans are coming for round 3
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20% discount sounds mint until you realise that you can't afford the other fucking 80%
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At this point I don’t even care if I can’t go to any festivals this year, as long as I can sit in a garden with my pals chatting pure shit all night I’m happy
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Hate those folk who make up blatant lies to justify why they’ve been ignoring you. Honestly mate I’d rather you just straight up told me to fuck off
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Just over two weeks away from the “new year, new me” cunt brigade.
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Looks like they’ve finally realised none of their fucking indicators work
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It’s not a bank holiday Monday until you achieve absolutely fuck all and start feeling sad and depressed around 8pm
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It’s nearly pigs in blankets time of year 😍 and by that I mean my fat self wrapped in a blanket. It’s fucking freezing.
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There are only two certainties in life:
1. Death
2. If you ask a girl “where would you like to eat?” She will reply with “I don’t mind, up to you”
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Do you ever make up jokes in your head and accidentally laugh out loud cause you’re fucking hilarious?
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How awkward is it when you start telling your parents a story then half way through you realise you're contradicting a lie you told them🏃🏽
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When you’re at festival but you’ve gotta go tarmac the M1 in the morning
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I swear we get the slightest bit of sun and it turns the entire country into a bunch of fucking alcoholics
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Remember when the UKs biggest problem was Brexit?? Good times, take me back x
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It’s mad that there is still people on Facebook that haven’t realised that you can just google stuff nowadays rather than asking your entire fucking friends list
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Everyone in the UK when the sun has been out for literally 5 fucking minutes
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Fracturing your leg in 52 places at school and being told to pop one of these on them
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How shit is it when you get stuck speaking to someone who won’t shut the fuck up & you end up sitting there thinking about all the times you were alone & how you took it for granted
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Are you even British if you don’t have an entire cupboard at home full of robbed pint glasses?
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Christmas has me soo skint that I’m genuinely considering recording me launching myself down a flight of stairs and sending it into You’ve been framed
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Do you ever look back on people liked/dated and wonder whether you was off your fucking face the entire time?
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How annoying is it when a whole family of slow walkers decide to take up the entire fucking pavement. Are you trying to pick me off? Move out the way you bunch of dickheads
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Well that’s hardly a fucking surprise is it
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Idk why wine is considered such a girly drink, that shit can seriously fuck you up and 90% of lasses drink it like it’s fucking Lucozade
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An accurate representation of how this lockdown is making me feel
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Another absolute belter from Facebook😂
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When it’s 9pm on a Sunday & you’re sitting there contemplating whether to fake your own death instead of going to work tomorrow
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When someone says “you’re actually such a cunt” and you know full well that you are
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I feel like this could’ve been worded slightly better
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Today is the 1st of November, which means it’s exactly two months until the new year... which also means we are about a month a half away from the “new year, new me” cunt brigade
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