Toronto Sports Network
@TSN_Parody
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(Parody) TSN is Toronto’s, errrrr I mean Canada’s, sports leader. We bring you the stories that matter, assuming the only stories that matter come from Toronto.
Toronto (Centre of Universe)
Joined March 2012
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TSN on 23-year-old Kirill Kaprizov last year: Too old to win the Calder
TSN on 26-year-old Michael Bunting this year: Literally campaigning for him to win the Calder
Funny how TSN stops caring about changing the Calder criteria when a Leafs player is a candidate
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Gotta love Leafs fans and media thinking Connor McDavid should ask for a trade after his team just made the conference finals, but never once thinking Auston Matthews might want out of Toronto after 6 years of failing to win a single playoff round. 🤣
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Should Connor Bedard request a trade from the Blackhawks to the Leafs?
MORE:
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Sure, the Flames and Oilers won their Game 7s, but did they get as much respect in the handshake line as the Leafs? That story coming up on TSN.
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Connor McDavid: scores his 60th goal of the season
TSN's top hockey story the next day:
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Connor McDavid has led the Oilers to the Conference Finals, scored a series-winning goal in overtime, and is dominating the playoffs.
But did he score 50 goals in a very specific mid-season span of 50 straight regular season games? TSN would like to remind you that he did not.
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After reviewing hours of handshake line footage, TSN has determined that some of the Rangers players did not get as much respect from the Lightning as the Leafs players did in their handshake line. Watch SportsCentre for a full breakdown and analysis.
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After nearly two days of careful video analysis, TSN has determined that, despite winning the Stanley Cup, the Avalanche still did not get as much respect from the Lightning in the handshake line as the Leafs did.
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TSN reporter to Matthew Tkachuk today: "Congrats on scoring the winner in that 4OT game, but what are your thoughts on Dubas being fired by the Leafs and Shanahan's press conference?"
Tkachuk: "F**k off man. I left Calgary to get away from this bullsh*t."
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- 171 games as a Hab
- 75 games as a Canuck (no mention in the headline)
- 12 games as Leaf
TSN staff: "We need to start with the Leafs in the headline and use a pic of Benn in a Leafs jersey."
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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BREAKING: TSN announces it will hold a parade to celebrate the
#Leafs
shutting down McDavid and Draisaitl for 3 straight games. The parade will be broadcast on all 5 TSN channels.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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Matthew Tkachuk gets traded in the biggest NHL blockbuster deal in years and we’ve got crickets from TSN’s top insiders (Dreger, Lebrun, and Johnston).
But if the Leafs made a similar trade, those guys would probably swim across whatever lake their cottages are on to cover it.
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No Toronto Sports Network jokes today.
Very sad to hear about the passing of legendary TSN broadcaster Darren Dutchyshen. He was only 57. Gone far too soon.
RIP Dutchy
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BREAKING: Auston Matthews has organized a game of Pictionary for all the
#Leafs
to play over Zoom during their road trip.
Naturally, TSN will try to broadcast the Pictionary game on all 5 channels.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😲😲😲🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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You know TSN stands for Toronto Sports Network when one of its hockey analysts wears a Leafs jacket on a national hockey panel and no one says anything about it.
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"We are contractually obligated to start with the Toronto Maple Leafs on this network" - Jay Onrait
You have to appreciate the honesty
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TSN PROGRAMMING NOTE:
Coverage of the Oilers-Golden Knights game has been cancelled in favour of a 45-minute story on how much respect the Leafs got from the Panthers in the handshake line.
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Well done Sportsnet. You have officially out-Toronto Sports Networked TSN today
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Matthews isn’t happy with early playoff exit, but is excited to have more time to hang out with Bieber.
MORE:
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TSN PROGRAMMING NOTE: Due to the sadness of every employee after another Leafs 1st round playoff loss, TSN will go off the air until tomorrow.
When TSN resumes broadcasting, there will be 148 Leafs postmortem stories and 153 stories on the Leafs being 2023 Stanley Cup favourites
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If anyone tries to argue that TSN does not have a Toronto bias and should not be called Toronto Sports Network, just remind them that the TSN hockey panel made a case for Zach Hyman to be on Canada’s Olympic Team. That should end the debate.
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Everyone in Canada outside Toronto reacting to the Leafs being eliminated from the playoffs after winning just one game beyond the 1st round
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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BREAKING: Sources tell TSN that Auston Matthews will no longer eat poutine or any other French Canadian food during the
#Leafs
playoff series vs. the
#Habs
. This fascinating 45-minute story will lead SportsCentre.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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We post the same video with basically the same caption at the same time every year because there is no reason to stop, so here we go again….
Every Canadian not from Toronto reacting to the Leafs being eliminated early in the playoffs
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🙂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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TSN has just added Jared McCann to its projected Team Canada Olympic roster.
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Great job, Mark! You somehow managed to turn the Sedins HHOF induction into a story about two current Leafs players. Your bonus cheque from the boss is in the mail. Keep making everyone at TSN proud!
#TorontoSportsNetwork
With Sedins being honoured as part of Hall of Fame class tonight, Tavares reflected on his chemistry with Nylander
"We're definitely not twins (smile) ... He's a tremendous talent, very driven hockey player & person. He's a blast to play with"
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Coming up on TSN, did the Leafs get more respect from the Lightning in the handshake line than the Panthers?
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BREAKING: TSN reports that John Tavares is out 2 weeks with a broken finger.
TSN will also report for 7 hours on which exact bone is broken, when the break occurred, why Tavares' incredible leadership could make it heal faster, and how it will impact Auston Matthews' mustache.
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Live look at every TSN employee who wasted hundreds of hours writing and producing "Auston Matthews Scores 70 Goals" content that is now being deleted
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Tage Thompson is having an incredible season. One of the best stories in the NHL. So naturally TSN finds a way to credit Auston Matthews for his success.
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Morgan Rielly when he sees someone celebrating a touchdown too much during the Super Bowl
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It’s taken nearly a week to produce, but TSN is now ready to show its 2-hour documentary on how each Leafs player reacted to the news of Queen Elizabeth’s death, along with an additional 7-part mini-series specifically on how Auston Matthews is dealing with it.
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Leaked footage of the TSN newsroom right now
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Every Canadian outside of Toronto reacting to the Leafs losing ANOTHER Game 7 in the first round
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TSN now has an exclusive 5-hour analysis on how much respect the Leafs got in the handshake line this year vs. all their previous 1st round playoff losses.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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BREAKING: TSN and Sportsnet have both petitioned the NHL to have Auston Matthews' playoff goal last night count in the record books as his 70th goal of the season.
Both networks are also asking the Leafs to hang a banner from the rafters to commemorate the 70 goals.
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TSN has a 7-hour documentary on Sam Bennett being the dirtiest player in the playoffs.
It will air right after TSN’s 5-hour doc on that guy who wears opposition jerseys to Leafs games being the most disgraceful fan in the playoffs.
Both docs will feature plenty of Toronto tears
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As the Sedin twins get inducted into the Hall of Fame, we asked Auston Matthews how many goals he’d score in a season if he had an identical twin passing him the puck.
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BREAKING: TSN is considering buying more channels just to broadcast additional analysis of the Nylander signing and what it means for Matthews/Marner. The 5 current channels are not enough.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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Classic TSN moment on TradeCentre. Duthie introduces a segment to analyze teams from “around the league,” then the panel discusses the Leafs for 15 mins, does a 3 min interview w/ the Jets GM, then discusses the Leafs for 10 more mins, then ends the segment. Never change TSN. 🤣
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Toronto media and Blue Jays fans are convinced he’s heading to Toronto to sign with the Jays
BREAKING NEWS: Tracking Center has CONFIRMED that
#Santa
has LEFT the North Pole! Stay tuned for his projected route.
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Sad news from TSN headquarters. Several staff members have just drowned in pool of their own semen after having several orgasms that were caused by Auston Matthews' 60th goal of the season.
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"Welcome to TSN's Playoff Preview show. Over the next hour, we'll preview all 8 first-round series. Let's start with Toronto."
59 minutes later: "Okay, that's it for our Leafs-Bruins preview. We now have one minute left to discuss the other 7 series."
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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TSN when the Leafs fail early in the playoffs for 7 straight years: Contenders!
TSN when the Canucks are 1st in the West, but struggle for less than 2 weeks: Pretenders?
Has this bad stretch altered the perception of what the
#Canucks
are capable of this season? Will Rick Tocchet risk losing his players if he continues to speak candidly about them to the media?
More from
@martybiron43
on
@7ElevenCanada
That's Hockey:
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If the Habs don't match the Kotkaniemi offer sheet, it will be a major national story on TSN.
And by "major national story" we mean TSN will spend 3 minutes on how it impacts the Habs and 27 minutes on how it impacts the Leafs and their odds of beating the Habs in the playoffs.
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One of these things is not like the others and is only being displayed because the national media is desperate to include a Leafs player
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Three Canadian NHL teams with huge playoff games tonight. Here's the top of TSN's home page.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HA!
Shohei Ohtani just posted on Instagram that he’s signing with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
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BREAKING: Sources tell TSN the
#Leafs
are the frontrunners to sign Ryan Suter & Zach Parise.
TSN staff are now photoshopping Leafs pajamas onto pictures of both players when they were kids as evidence that it was their childhood dream to play in Toronto.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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“NHL referees need to be better,” said TSN after a ref missed a call on Auston Matthews, but never after a ref missed a call on any other player on any other team.... ever.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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Connor McDavid: gets his 150th point of the season
TSN's top hockey story an hour later: Leafs player at 95 points still needs 5 points to be 50 points back of McDavid
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Big thanks to the triggered Leafs fans who have pointed out that these are two different reporters from the same network, as if that wasn't noticed in the first place, lol.
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TSN has now officially made the World Cup about the Leafs. It was only a matter of time.
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TSN after the Leafs consistently fail in the early rounds of the playoffs over and over: "The Leafs are Stanley Cup contenders once again. Is this the year they finally win it all?"
TSN when the Winnipeg Jets are 1st place in the entire NHL:
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NHL All-Star Game in Toronto.
The team with all the Leafs players wins it.
Auston Matthews wins All-Star Game MVP.
Every TSN and Sportsnet employee:
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We often rag on TSN, but the investigative reporting by Rick Westhead to help uncover the Blackhawks sexual assault scandal was incredible and we need more of it.
But much more importantly than that, thank you Kyle Beach for being so courageous and strong.
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The timing of William Nylander's contract extension is great because it gives TSN the perfect excuse to continue ignoring the Jets being in 1st place overall.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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Live look at a TSN employee waiting to do a story about how the Blue Jays signing Ohtani will impact the Leafs Stanley Cup chances
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Matthews spills tartar sauce on pants at Red Lobster.
MORE:
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TSN PROGRAMMING NOTE: We are short staffed today because many of our employees are seeing a doctor due to erections lasting more than 4 hours after Auston Matthews’ hat trick last night.
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TSN's NHL season preview show:
"As the Canadians teams get set for their season openers, we'll go around the country to preview each team, starting in Toronto."
58 mins later: "Ok, that's it for the Leafs' season preview. Now onto the other teams and... wait. We're out of time"
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Look at all those sad TSN and Sportsnet employees
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Leafs opposition player: *shoots the puck 800 feet wide of the net*
Sportsnet/TSN/all national media: “Amazing goaltending by Jack Campbell! Give him the Vezina right now!!!!!!” 😍😍😍😍😍
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TSN has cancelled its highlights and analysis of the Oilers-Kings game to cry all night about Michael Bunting’s 3-game suspension.
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To be clear, TSN is planning a minimum of 600 stories on the Auston Matthews captaincy announcement and press conference. It's the most important jersey letter change ever.
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TSN has just booked an interview with Christian Dvorak.
The first 3 questions will be:
- Are you excited about the Habs-Leafs rivalry?
- Can the Leafs can beat the Habs in the playoffs?
- Who do you think is the best player in your new division and why is it Auston Matthews?
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TSN when Auston Matthews scores his 50th goal of the season
vs.
TSN when Leon Draisaitl scores his 50th goal of the season
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TSN and Sportsnet will now be doing a lengthy analysis of the Leafs-Lightning handshake line, with closeups and breakdowns of which Lightning players gave the most respect. As a result, Game 7 coverage of the Flames-Stars and Rangers-Pens has been cancelled.
Sheldon Keefe says he felt the Leafs got a lot more respect in tonight’s handshake line than in previous series.
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Yes, Ovechkin scoring 50 goals in a season for a record-tying 9th time is cool, but did he score 50 goals in a very specific group of 50 straight midseason games like Auston Matthews? Because that’s the only thing TSN really cares about.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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Every TSN anchor and reporter trying to act positive about the
#Habs
going to the Stanley Cup Final
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Sources tell TSN that the Oilers might not have gotten as much respect from the Avs in the handshake line as the Leafs did from the Lightning. Therefore, TSN Edge will give the Leafs the best odds of any Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup in 2023.
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After 15 hours of somber Leafs postgame analysis, that does it for TSN's coverage of the Stanley Cup playoffs.
We'll see you when it's time for Leafs free agency discussions and 2025 Stanley Cup predictions (aka. "Will this FINALLY be the Leafs' year?")
Until then...
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There are so many trades happening days before the NHL's trade deadline that TSN's TradeCentre show is just going to be a bunch of people talking about the Leafs instead of breaking trades.
In other words, a normal day at TSN.
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This
@MikeMartignago
guy knows exactly how TSN will cover the Elias Pettersson between-the-legs goal
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NEW TSN STORY: Should the NHL pause the entire season now that two Maple Leafs have been placed in COVID protocol?
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TSN: “The
#NHLJets
have acquired Pierre-Luc Dubois in exchange for Patrik Laine and Jack Roslovic.”
“We now go live to Mark Masters, who is about to ask Auston Matthews what he thinks of the trade and how it will impact the
#Leafs
.”
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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“I work for TSN or Sportsnet”
Tell us you're an Auston Matthews fan without telling us you're an Auston Matthews fan. 😳
(📸:
@NHL
via
@JessicaSmithCTV
)
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Coincidentally, Matthews suffered from the same wrist injury that TSN employees suffer from every time Matthews scores a goal.
Toronto Maple Leafs announce that Auston Matthews had successful wrist surgery and his recovery will be a minimum of six weeks:
#TSNHockey
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"Great series opener between Vancouver & Edmonton as the Canucks pull off a huge comeback. Let's see the highlights and............. wait.
We're hearing Sheldon Keefe has been fired, so f**k that series. TSN will now spend every second of SportsCentre on this for the next week!"
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TSN suggesting Zach Hyman should be on the Canadian Olympic Team means the network has officially become a parody of itself, which means this account may as well be the official TSN Twitter account moving forward.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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NEW TSN STORY: How does Cristiano Ronaldo returning to Manchester United impact the Leafs chances at winning a playoff round?
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TSN will now cancel its coverage of the Stanley Cup Playoffs to analyze this monumental moment in Leafs history.
Kyle Dubas will not be returning as general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, according to
@reporterchris
:
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Stellar reporting by TSN’s own Chris Johnston. Quality journalism.
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After scoring 3 goals in 3 pre-season games for the
#Leafs
, Nick Ritchie has been added to TSN’s projected Team Canada Olympic roster.
#TorontoSportsNetwork
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From
@travisyost
: Exiting the holiday break, the Toronto Maple Leafs are well-positioned in the NHL standings and are starting to build a resume of what looks like a Stanley Cup contender -
#TSNHockey
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Give credit where credit is due.
No one is more elite at finding ways to compare Auston Matthews to Connor McDavid than the staff at TSN.
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Honestly, the Blue Jays blowing that huge lead and getting swept by the Mariners is karma for TSN and Sportsnet assuming every Canadian was cheering for them, even though a sizeable portion of Western Canadians having a much stronger geographic connection to Seattle.
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Be honest. How many of you thought this was from our account at first?
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