T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus @TOther_Simon profile

T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

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I'm only in it for the funny. Middle distance punner & ukulele-botherer/singer with the multi-award-winning musical comedy idiots @PlasticJeezus .

https://t.co/nnHXuwCSzU

Bournemouth

Joined March 2009

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

My wife, daughter and I just popped to IKEA to pick up some bits and bobs. After a LOT of dicking about it's become painfully clear that it won't all fit in the car unless one person somehow gets home independently. Dear reader, I am writing this from a rail-replacement bus.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

2 years

My wife's concerned about our son's forthcoming birthday.

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

@fesshole Midwife crisis.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

10 years

What a way to make a living. http://t.co/iT1BPXjYgp

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Just heard that U2 will be sneaking a copy of their new album into every dose of the vaccine.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

Only an hour left. Having a great time.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

1 year

Mop the Leak

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

1 year

Dara Ó Briain show gets cancelled due to flooding

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

Made it to Bournemouth. Land of dreams. That's not a big wheel. It's my halo.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 years

No it doesn't.

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

The person on the right is clearly just someone holding up a mask with the Queen's face on it.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

Everyone loves a happy ending, right? *cough cough* Well... my wife and daughter made it here in time for their ice-skating 'slot', and I've made it here in time to make vague but encouraging sounds from the sidelines.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

9 years

Alppuccino. http://t.co/Je3f3AMTC7

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@TOther_Simon

8 months

@CraigMcKeeEdu Haha! In fairness, the furniture DID fit. It was the bloody passengers that were the issue.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

7 years

nothing beats pancakes with lemon & sugar.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

7 years

How come Dracula's hair is always so neat? Mine's usually a mess and I *can* use a mirror.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

5 years

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden. He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

4 years

Twitter, November 2020.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Those fleas were effectively mining Johnny Rotten's penis for food, but they never mined the bollocks.

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

How to distinguish between moths and goths - a diagram.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

3 years

@fesshole Charlie in the Chocolate Factory.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

Some of you are coming up with really great advice on how I could possibly fit everything (including myself) in the car. Those people seem to be missing the fact that this situation has *already happened*.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

7 years

La La Land.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

I'm not saying that Jacob Rees-Mogg is freakishly tall, but look at how he towers over Richard Osman in this picture.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

@majabl NOW YOU TELL ME!

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

2 years

Saying "I paid £40 to watch Ian Brown and I'm annoyed that he was rubbish" is a bit like saying "I stapled my scrotum to an oak tree and I'm annoyed that I can't put my swimming trunks on any more".

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 years

Villager 1: "Oh no! My children have been eaten by a lion." Villager 2: "We need to build a fence." NRA Villager: "Or give everyone a lion."

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 years

There. I've fixed it.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

When you're single during lockdown.

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

The most gullible 90s band was easily Suede.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

6 months

Why do I get the impression that Wile E. Coyote is behind this, somehow?

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@TOther_Simon

10 years

Has my doctors surgery learned NOTHING from Dirty Dancing?! http://t.co/tFKnlkP6My

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

4 years

Deeply disappointed to find out that these were, in fact, typos.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

2 years

@fesshole ...rpoise sanctuary.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

9 months

@fesshole Sounds like he's already good at delivering lines.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

3 years

There once was a lady named Niamh, Who was from Tel Aviamh, I beliamh. But Niamh's husband Stiamh Used to cheat and deciamh, So on Christmas Eiamh, Niamh made Stiamh liamh.

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

As a left-hander, seeing all those official documents being signed with a fountain pen makes me feel very anxious indeed.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

Black, once again, with the eel behaviour.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

Today is the shortest day. The longest day is, of course, the one in Bill Withers' 'Lovely Day'.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

If Alex James ever makes a non-dairy cheese, he should definitely call it 'There's No Udder Whey'.

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@TOther_Simon

11 months

@fesshole

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

8 months

@jdleggcan I think you'd make a killing. Which is, let's face it, a common pastime for people with vans.

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

@fesshole He was a Pedrophile?

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

@fesshole "My husband drank too much. Eventually he dyed".

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

@fesshole Birds, eh?

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

Bossiest trees: Yew Willow Bay

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

French Venn Diagram

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

@MrEdByrne Pay my tax bill? DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A WAR ON?!

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

4 years

@Baddiel We're all going to look pretttty silly when it turns out to be disinfectant.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

@Baddiel Big Farmer

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@TOther_Simon

8 months

@MalcolmWilson01 In our defence (somewhat) we HAD measured the car. Just.... very badly, it turned out.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

@fesshole Have you ever done K, too?

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

@fesshole "It's unhealthy, but I'm on 20 Richmond a day"

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

Oh aye? He shouldnae have written a cookbook then.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Just got back from the Consommé Superstore. All of their stock is reduced to clear.

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@TOther_Simon

7 years

When your interior design is so horrendous, even the oven looks disgusted.

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

Since my wife started a conga line I've started seeing other people, behind her back.

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@TOther_Simon

9 years

Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Me: "I can be too self-replicating" Interviewer: "You mean 'self-deprecating'?" Us: "Nope."

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

- I just bought some discounted boat-shoes at Clarks. - Oh! Great. Do they have a sale on? - No, I think you've misunderstood the name. They're just normal shoes.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

4 years

The size of that entry keypad.

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@TOther_Simon

10 years

Madonna using a word processor. http://t.co/1Qv7H4a6FL

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

Had lunch here. The food was nice but the bill was huge.

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@TOther_Simon

8 months

@fesshole "Here pus pus pus..."

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

10 years

"Excuse me, garçon! Can we get the menu in English, please?" "Mais oui!" "Oh. Sorry - MAY we get the menu in English, please?"

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

4 years

Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a

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@TOther_Simon

5 years

Just heard a loud explosion from the fridge. Turns out I had a bag of salad leaves that had gone past its 'best before' date, and the rocket had gone off.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Initially I just read the bit in bold and thought that Asda were holding a contest with a VERY special prize.

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@TOther_Simon

11 years

You want me to count to six using only the initials of the numbers? That's a bit OTT, FFS.

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@TOther_Simon

2 years

🎶 Make a little berghaus in your sole 🎶

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

@fesshole

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@TOther_Simon

5 years

Idea: Julian Barratt replaces Sandi Toksvig on Bake Off. The show gets renamed The Mighty Croquembouche. Bin the contestants and the judges and voilà!

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

6 months

@fesshole They always do stuff like that in police dramas. There was one called The Bill where literally NONE of the main characters was called Bill. What a scam.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

@fesshole And in both circumstances you're likely to get a Sémillon.

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@TOther_Simon

9 months

Aged 32 and 29.

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

Earlier, my wife said to me, "I know we've just had lunch, but do you reckon you could a manage a Greggs?". What a stupid question. I've got no bakery supervisory experience at all.

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T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus

@TOther_Simon

1 year

@fesshole It's not just you. He also makes the children cross.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Made with milk from 'real gone' kids.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

Tiger King is probably the best show named after different types of prawn.

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@TOther_Simon

9 years

"That Cameron poppy picture is terrible!" they said. "Imagine if it had been Corbyn!". Well - imagine no longer.

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

The woke agenda has gone too far. Today my young kid came home from school saying that they'd been taught - in great detail - about homophones. It shouldn't be aloud.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

@fesshole "How did your Dad make all his money?" "He was a Walls-treat trader"

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

I made my 'Icarus' tweet into a sort-of poem. "Why?", you ask. And that is a bloody good question.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

Just watching the episode of MasterChef in which the chefs face their toughest challenge yet.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Did anyone ever find out what 'Blankety Blank' was actually called?

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@TOther_Simon

1 year

"She told me..."

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@TOther_Simon

9 years

Another elephant being kept in a first floor flat. Heartbreaking. http://t.co/o12SolnzG4

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

@fesshole Now *that* is an anty-climax.

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@TOther_Simon

11 years

The Hills Have Googly Eyes #AddAWordRuinAMovie

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@TOther_Simon

11 years

Phil Spector's brother Crispin is the head of quality control for Walkers.

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

This so-called Johnson's 'No More Tears' is useless. My daughter's drunk nearly a whole bottle and, if anything, she's crying even more.

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@TOther_Simon

8 years

The UK is like Icarus. The left wing is disintegrating, the right wing is disintegrating, and it's heading for a crash. And I blame The Sun.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Got a Zoom meeting later. It's just like a normal meeting, except Fat Larry's banned.

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@TOther_Simon

7 years

Imagine twelve grizzlies and a skinny monarch, all having a fight. Ugh. Dozen bear thin king bout.

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@TOther_Simon

10 years

Pavlov's dogs had lovely soft fur. It's the way they were conditioned.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Q. Why is reading Bill Clinton's text messages like climbing Everest? A. Because Hillary can't do it without tensing.

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@TOther_Simon

4 years

Imagine being named after a mobile phone contract.

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@TOther_Simon

3 years

A story: When I was 15 I dropped out of school with no qualifications whatsoever. I remember one teacher telling me I'd 'amount to nothing'. Now, 26 years later I'm delighted to say "LOOK AT ME NOW!", as I've just learned how to download pictures of people graduating off Google.