Syrup Tishus
@Syrup_Tishus
Followers
11,698
Following
4,571
Media
3,737
Statuses
57,569
Baseball and Cupcakes but mostly baseball. I have Achieved Perfect Passive Aggressive
Hottest Spot North of Havana
Joined September 2016
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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One of my biggest faults is when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.
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Bloody Mary's are gross - keep your iced ketchup drinks away from me.
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Sorry I was late I was watching random shit get destroyed in a hydraulic press
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[goes camping]
Ahh yes I think I’ll go live worse than I normally do.
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Welcome to your 40's, you now get excited when ground beef is on sale.
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Behold, men on the internet have one insult and it never lands
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I recently bought the world's worst thesaurus - not only was it terrible, it was terrible.
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I will never understand how there are people who willingly climb Mt. Everest.
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I like to play this game called "why the fuck am I awake so early on Sunday?"
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east".
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I went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than two minutes.
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Anyone else eat these like candy when you found them on your grandpa's dresser?
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If I say I prefer clean shaven men over big unruly beards am I kicked off the internet?
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If you wanna know how heavy a chili pepper is, just give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
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@NaturesPoisons
@Steve43257414
Tell her my 14 year old has a matching one and proudly displays it, even as it heals.
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I wonder what % of active twitter users are the middle child. I bet it's high.
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it's $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed they can buy without triggering a red flag.
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I'd like a word with Jim because what the fuck is this
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When my boss asks if I'm free for a call on Teams in the middle of the work day
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Do you think pirates ever get restless peg syndrome?
(ⁱ'ᵐ ˢᵒ ˢᵒʳʳʸ)
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Almost 42 god damn years old and I still make "That's What She Said" jokes on the regular.
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Don't forget how important it is to point out someone's typo in a tweet
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My blue liberal heart is very happy to be at the Tim Walz rally in Omaha, Nebraska. The turnout is HUGE and the little blue dot in a sea of red down here is inspiring. 💙💙💙
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Whoever the fuck invented the phrase "She Shed" can eat a dick.
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This a reminder that nothing matters so go be a menace today.
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Everything is terrible so I made rainbow cupcakes to make people happy.
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After seeing my daughter come through a 7 hour brain surgery I think it's safe to say we have a Wonder Woman for several years to come.
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This year instead of presents I'm giving everyone my opinion.
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Men should be lucky women want equality and not revenge.
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Over 7 billion people in the world and I can tolerate like 6 of them.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever showered then crawled back into bed in your air conditioned bedroom?
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I really appreciate the 3 or 4 of you who consistently like my tweets.
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Not even 7 a.m. and I just heard the parking lot at the Mall of America is 99% full. I've never wondered what the fuck is wrong with humans more so than right now.
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Don't forget to let the outcome of a football game control your entire mood for the day.
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If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
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My biggest fear is that I'll marry into a family who thinks camping is a vacation.
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@kyylien
@sp33dk0r3d3m0n
I hope you know how proud Stevie Nicks would be of every single one of your responses to these mediocre men. (and women)
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@atrupar
@OutOnTheMoors
"Women were paid to say very bad things about me, that's very bad". Women were also paid to not say very bad things about him and there's a $130,000 check to prove it.
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Welcome to your 40's, you now get pissed when your grocery store changes its layout.
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My favorite typo is when people mean "dessert" but type "desert" and I say "Do you prefer Mojave Meringue Pie?"
I have no friends.
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You just know the dating pool over the age of 40 has pee in it.
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[First Date]
"Table or booth?"
Date: "Table"
Me: *leaves*
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Please think twice about making a stupid sexual innuendo comment on anything stupid I post here. I'm not interested and am only here for the funny shit.
*pins this tweet forever*
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I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar.
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Someone once told me I'd be so much prettier if I lost some weight.
Related: The best cheesecake I ever made was over an open flame where his ashes formed.
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It's always Worcestershire and never Bestershire.
Please don't unfollow me.
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How many lemon cookies counts as a serving of fruit? Please say 5.
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Whoever chose the singer for the national anthem at the Home Run Derby needs to lose their job.
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Imagine meeting your soulmate and then finding out they don't sleep with a fan on.
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I put dark sheets on my bed so the Oreo crumbs blend in.
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Somebody tell me when the game starts so I can head to the grocery store and be alone.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever seen a dick bag get pulled over by a cop right after they cut you off in traffic?
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It's cute when people ask if I've seen a certain popular meme trend like bitch I scroll the internet 23+ hours a day. Yes. I've seen it.
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Keep RTing women's selfies so we know whose basement to check for the bodies.
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Ohhh, I get it. You won't RT me because I'm not Twitter popular. It all makes sense now.
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I can't be the only one who puts subtitles on Netflix so I can read what I can't hear cuz I'm eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
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The fact that people are asking if the lady who suffered the shark attack likes "de-calf coffee" proves the internet was a mistake.
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Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels except pizza, cake and not needing everyone's approval.
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When a sock puppet avi calls you fat you know you've made it on Twitter.
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The best part about having big hips is closing doors to every appliance in my house while I'm holding laundry baskets.
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