Male Thoughts
@SteveStfler
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Tweets from Men's point of view!. 📧: [email protected]
Joined January 2010
Bae: come over.Me: i'm watchin the lion king.Bae: i'm horny.Me: mufasa just died.Bae: my parents aren't home.Me: fucking mufasa just died.
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Your girlfriend is gonna consider killing you a few times a week. That's how you know it's real love.
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don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 14:27PM on 23/04/2008.
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I have no problem texting you first as long as you make me feel like you actually wanna talk. Cut that dry shit out.
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IF YOU REFUSE TO TEXT PEOPLE FIRST THEN YOU BELONG IN THE NEAREST ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SINCE YOU WANNA BE CHILDISH.
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peeing in the ocean is the best feeling its like im sharing a piece of myself with the world i hope my pee made it to spain, i love spain.
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I love the Kardashians because they literally do nothing and that's why they are famous and it's so inspiring honestly.
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I hate when girls say "don't worry, he's just a friend." . I remember when i was a friend and wanted to fuck the shit outta you.
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What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar. and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
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Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? . Kim: I. *Kanye grabs mic*. Kanye: She do.
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Can't trust a bitch who lets the microwave hit 0, she doesn't care about her life. she probably jumps on the lava part of the floor too.
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Note to self: When you're talking to a female always remember that you're also talking to her friends via screenshots.
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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.
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The only way Marijuana can kill you is if you get murdered by a serial killer whose name is Marijuana.
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A fat girl at my school said she was pregnant and everybody let her go first in the lunch line everyday. That bitch was pregnant for 3 years.
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In 1814 Women had no rights. In 1914 Women fought for some rights. In 2014 Women are always fucking right.
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GF: come see me babe?. ME: I'm at a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert I can't. Gf: I'm off my period . Me: http://t.co/DeglJ5Zrt3.
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I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I know I'm an asshole, and I own that shit like a motherfucker.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”.
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My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She asked me to come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and i'm still fixing the damn sink.
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There's a huge difference between treating your girl right and just being whipped.
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I’ve realized arguing with girls is pointless. Real logic makes no sense to them and the power of the vagina is overwhelming.
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I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then he saw himself in the mirror & thought. "Wait, this looks nice.". .
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Text a girl something stupid and it takes 42 seconds for three of her friends to get the screenshot.
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There's two sides to each girl: The one you meet when's she's in public and the one when she's alone. Don't date her until you've seen both.
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I don't play that "He's my best guy friend" bullshit. They're always the first guy girls turn to when shit goes wrong.
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Dudes be like, "I only talk to one girl." . AND THAT STATUS BE HAVING 15 BITCHES FEELING SPECIAL.
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Gave this girl my number last week, she said she'll call me when she gets home. I'm starting to think she's homeless.
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The nicest people I've met are covered in tattoos & piercings & the most judgmental people I've met are the ones who go to church on Sundays.
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Calling your Girlfriend beautiful cause your cock isn't gonna suck it's self.
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Don't wear leggings and expect me not to look at your ass.
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Whenever you're feeling down just remember that you've won as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio.
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My girlfriend asked me if I had a secret pet name for her. Judging by the look on her face, 'sperm whale' was not an appropriate answer.
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Me: Oh wow, how much is the rent for this amazing apartment?. "Sir, this is the beer aisle of the grocery store.".
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NEVER underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel guilty for her mistake.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Justin Bieber: *kills someone*. Fans: Stop judging him he's only 19 he's allowed to make some mistakes!.
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I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was just thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant.
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A girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if u bring food from outside into the movies". No u might be stupid if u pay 4.99 for a bag of skittles.
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You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.
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How to get out of the friendzone:. 1. Pull out your dick . 2. Tell her "you gonna learn today".
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Am I the only one annoyed by all these twitter accounts about love and relationships making it look like guys are the biggest assholes?.
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cute things to call your girlfriend:. 1. sugar 2. honey 3. flour 4. egg 5. 1/2lb butter 6. stir 7. pour into pan 8. preheat to 375°.
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I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
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Girl walks in with half her tits showing, I look. I'm the pervert. So I walk in with half my cock showing. Girl looks & I'm still the perv!.
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I just got my girlfriend a 'get better soon' card. she isn't sick, I just think she can get better.
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You got 3 minutes to text me or I'm climbing thru your window & texting myself back.
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Hakuna Ma'Vodka . It means no memories for the rest of your night.
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Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha.". Me: 20 x 0 = 0.
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What do you call a sleeping pizza? . A piZzza! ha ha haha . someone date me please.
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If you tell me you're choosing between me and another guy, i'll make it easier. And leave your ass.
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If a girl ever pulls a knife on you during an argument, pull out bread, ham, & mayo. Instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich.
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*puts selfie on top of Christmas tree because i am the star*.
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I may seem like an asshole. but deep down I’m a good person. and even deeper down I’m a bigger asshole.
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I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them.
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Pregnant women look so happy. I wonder if they know that their vagina is going to be ripped open by a little fucker.
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Girls will take two and a half hours to get ready but if you don't have shoes on when they're done, you're the problem.
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Glue a tiny mirror over your drivers license photo so when you hand it to the police they will get confused and arrest themselves instead.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn't even matter.
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Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.The only KKK that will let black guys inside them.
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If you make noise during sex & your girlfriend is quiet. You're the one getting fucked 😭😂.
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Scientifically proven that girls who give head every night will become prettier and skinnier as they age. RT to spread the word!.
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Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your titties.
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Me: She's deadass crazy bro. I'm done with her. Her: come over. Me:
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Fat bitches will dance all night at the club, but won't run for 10 minutes on a treadmill.
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A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'. Yeah I do, a lot of dick.
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Instead of calling girls thirsty, we should call them D Hydrated.
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Lil Wayne Rap Be like: Spilled hot tea on my leg, call that T-Pain.
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How to get out the friendzone: "So we are gonna fuck or do you wanna lose your best friend?".
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I'm bad at sexting. Gf: I'm wet. Me: You need a paper towel? .Gf: More than that babe. Me: 2 paper towels?.
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Those who make fun of Lorde and her boyfriend are the same people that cry on twitter 24/7 because they're single.
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