denise
@Stellacopter
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29,418
Following
809
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262
Statuses
19,353
i never know how much air to put in my tires, I just stop when I get bored.
phillyish
Joined January 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
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No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
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Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
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If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?
God I hate writing thank you cards.
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I just want a guy that will hold my hair back while I light things on fire.
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"
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I make sure I have sex with my husband once a week in case I get pregnant.
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I can't believe my hobby is reading funny sentences all fucking day.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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I'd like to get a fake baby bump, run in the Boston Marathon, come in last place & then start punching my stomach and say "It's your fault."
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I'm willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say "Have a great McFuckin day" to people until I get fired.
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Any song where they mention a girl with different hair and eye color than me is garbage.
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Olive Garden waitress: Hi what brings y'all in today?
Me: We need new shoes. What the fuck do you think? Where's your manager?
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Kid Rock makes music for people that smoke cigarettes through a hole in their neck.
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Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
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I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, "The funeral will be this Friday"
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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The first person to play frisbee was probably all "catch this plate fuckface."
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When I see a baby eating Cheerios I assume it's because they have high cholesterol.
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If I had a time machine i'd go back & give cavemen some crackers & beer so that I don't have to ever hear about the Paleo diet again.
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Had a dance off with my son tonight and he said he won. I sent that arrogant bitch to bed early. Sweet dreams tiny dancer.
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I seriously have no respect for people who spin the Price is a Right wheel and can't make it around once. Like I hate you if you can't.
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I drink coffee every day because I prefer to get nothing done with a little pep.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.
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I don't like the person I become when I'm tracking a UPS package.
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Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.
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Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.
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"Someone stole it." ~Approximately 15 seconds after I can't find something
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Tweeting is like opening a door to a room full of strangers and shouting stupid shit.
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Ask not what your country can do for you but what country music is even doing on the radio.
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I want to fuck.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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Someone said I was pretty annoying today and all I really heard was "pretty."
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
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I lost 9lbs. My huz said he's gonna leave me if I gain it back. I got so excited that I almost choked on all the donuts I shoved in my mouth
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Tell me about the box of tissues in the back window of your car
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*hands cashier $100 bill
"Ya have anything smaller?"
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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[at heaven's gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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It's that time of day where librarians go home, shake their hair out their bun and start fucking everyone.
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If you're on a job interview & you get the feeling that it's not going well, just stand up abruptly & burp the words "never mind."
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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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Men, you don’t need dating apps to meet women. Just paint a set of wings on the side of your house and bitches will come.
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If you have sex with someone in a dream you've had sex with everyone else they've had dream sex with.
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I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.
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Yeah well when I was a kid I had to walk to school in the freezing cold uphill until Jeff picked us up & took us to his house to smoke weed
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Pretty soon men with gross feet will be wearing flip flops all the time and I can't figure out a way to stop it.
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Sometimes when I'm typing banananana I don't know when to fucking stop.
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Biden: Where did u get that jacket?
Hillary: I don't remember Joe
Biden: Can I try it on?
H: No
B: It's pretty
H:
http://t.co/Rugr2iVfcd
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In search of a YouTube channel that doesn't start off with "hey guys"
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The only thing I know about football
is that Edgar Allen Poe is the coach of the Ravens.
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I'm a lady in the sheets and a lady in the streets. I'm homeless. But I'm a lady.
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Cashier: Would you like to open up a store credit card and save 10% today?
Me: No thanks Jill, my life is already ruined.
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I've told at least 800 babies that I was gonna eat their feet and they all laughed like muthafuckin gangstas.
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One of these days I'm going to show up wherever you checked in on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.
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Before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes, live a moment of my life, fold a pile of my laundry, please clean my house please I need help
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Guy at my gym checks your membership like he's in the secret service. Settle down Rick I'm not tryin to steal a treadmill walking's free.
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Me: I should have a glass of water and go to sleep.
Demon inside of me: No bitch eat your entire fridge then get drunk
Me: K
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The only way I know how to show affection is to be really mean to you then not as mean later.
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I bet my therapist's friends think I'm cool based on what she told them.
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*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
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I would only want to bungee jump if I could slap someone at the bottom and bounce away while giving them the finger.
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Kylie Jenner will never know the shame of having to say "I'll just take $6 regular unleaded please" so I'm not buying her fucking lipstick.
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Put your child on the phone to say hi to me and I will tell them about drugs.
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Paint a bowling ball to look like a soccer ball and ask people to kick it back to you.
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won't get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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I hate when a bathroom looks like some chick was held up over the toilet like the Lion King to pee.
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The day my husband got down on his knees to propose I thought "oh wow my first blowjob."
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I'm the kind of person that would still sleep 12 hours a day even if I was told i only had 3 weeks to live.
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I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."
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Do something every day that scares you. *listens to voicemails
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If Trump wins I'm not moving anywhere, I owe too much on my house and my neighbors are pretty chill plus we just put in a new pool liner.
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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I only lost my virginity because I was afraid of being sacrificed & thrown into a volcano.
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