"The goal is to achieve that perfect flow state where you’re both present in the moment and perfectly positioned to knock someone’s teeth out." Check out my new piece in @SlackjawHumor

Got hired as a hand model for a pharmaceutical company. They needed someone to demonstrate the 'trembling' side effect.

@meg_it_happen Thank you, Meg! SO glad you read this:)

Inspecting bouncy castles isn’t just a job—it’s a calling. A single frosting stain could mean disaster. Read my harrowing account of safeguarding your child’s gravitational well-being. Thanks, @PointsinCase, for publishing this vital exposé!

Did you know there are SIX species of holiday decorators? From the Early Bird Erectus stringing lights in August to the Competition Killer plotting revenge, I’ve documented them all 🕵️‍♂️🎄

My meditation teacher said I need to work on letting go, so I let go of her invitation to next week's silent retreat.

Every time I pick up a pen to write something 'profound,' my brain helpfully reminds me that Shakespeare did all this without autocorrect or a thesaurus app to find fancier words for 'very sad'

Wild how we all collectively agreed that ending a text with a period is basically a declaration of war.

Dating in your 30s is just watching people with red flags explain why their previous relationships ended because of 'communication issues' while drinking $18 smoothies neither of you actually wanted.

My productivity hack is purposely making my bed badly in the morning so when I come back to work on it later, I can count it as completing two tasks.

My neighbor builds intricate snowmen during blizzards. I build them right after, but three feet taller. He's never confronted me about this decade-long passive-aggressive height war, and I respect that silence.

"At least I’m not like those helicopter parents who monitor their kids’ dream patterns for signs of rebellious subconscious activity. That’s what the NSA is for." Check out my piece on @JaneWastebasket

@maria_nalubowa Yay! Thank you, sweetheart

RT @maria_nalubowa: “You can’t seem to get away from writer’s block? You will be pronounced dead.” — @SteinsGate0001 There's a new set of…

RT @ottomantraytime: All the Coolest Job Titles That Should Totally Be a Thing by @SteinsGate0001

RT @nocontextroyco:

@AdelaWrites @Dutchmahn @ItsKieranDrew Mine, too 🤗

RT @AdelaWrites: @ItsKieranDrew So many ppl write off walking. You reminded me of this hilarious story -