Saxonwold Shebeen
@StateShebeen
Followers
14,817
Following
409
Media
1,602
Statuses
7,246
One of Saxonwold's hidden secrets! Cadres, Comrades and Cabinet members welcome. Bring your own suitcase and designer handbag.
Saxonwold/Nkandla/Dubai
Joined November 2016
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
It doesn’t matter who is in government, we are always in business.
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During the weekends on the corner of Hawken Ave and President Fouche Drive in Boskruin, Randburg (Jo’Burg) there this creative lady who sells her handmade teddies for only R100 each. Please RT to support!
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"I wanna be there for the alcoholics, I wanna be there for the drug addicts...”
-President Cyril Ramaphosa
#SONA2018
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Absolute pandemonium here at the Shebeen after the
#JacobZuma
ruling.
Mzwandile Manyi is running around screaming. Carl Niehaus has locked himself in the bathroom, crying hysterically.
Ace Magashule is smoking an asbestos cigarette. Nobody can get hold of Atul.
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Your blood pressure is too high. You must stop stealing for a few weeks
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List of Presidents of South Africa (1994 - )
1. Nelson Mandela (1994-1999)
2. Thabo Mbeki (1999-2008)
3. Kgalema Motlanthe (2008-2009)
4. Jacob Zuma (2009-2013)
4.2) Atul Gupta (2013-2018)
5. Cyril Ramaphosa (2018- )
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It’s absolute chaos here today.
Fikile Mbalula has been crying the whole night.
Paul Mashatile and Gwede Mantashe drank three cases of whiskey.
Nomvula Mokonyane took off her weave and threw it at an ANC poster.
Cyril slept on the couch and wiped his tears with $100 bill.
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Dear Carl Niehaus, Kim Heller, Andile Mngxitama, Jimmy Manyi and all the Gupta bastards - you and your minions threatened this account for ages.
You threatened us with jail. You threatened us with death. You threatened us with horrid things.
FOK OFF! We are FREE!
#ZumaResigns
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Former President Atul Gupta has announced he plans to return to South Africa immediately and sell Limpopo on Takealot.
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Des van Rooyen waiting for Ramaphosa to phone him to ask if he wants to replace
#NhlanhlaNene
as Finance Minister.
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Reporter: Will Zuma resign?
ANC NEC: There is no doubt that strategic conversations about the transition are underway.
Reporter: Will you recall him?
ANC NEC: Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs are not enemies but brothers.
Reporter: What
ANC NEC: Muvhango is on at 13:30
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Duduzane Zuma, Carl Niehaus and Des van Rooyen walk into the Shebeen...
There is no punchline, they are all the jokes your need.
#ZumaTrial
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Due to recent budgetary cutbacks and financial constraints, it is with deep regret that we have to put our beloved Carl Niehaus on auction.
If anyone is willing to take him in, we are accepting ANY offers. He comes with a great deal of baggage. Please RT!
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People are crying here. Fikile has locked himself in the bathroom. Nomvula can’t pick up her champagne. Bathabile is downing vodka.
#ANC54
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BREAKING NEWS:
Carl Niehaus has declared himself the new Mayor of Johannesburg.
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BLF have just walked in. The entire membership of the party is here. Andile Mngxitama, two supporters, his mom, a used condom tied to a stick and a piece of Baleka Mbete’s weave.
They tell us their membership has tripled.
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We had a lovely end of year function here at the Shebeen.
Bathabile has passed out and is in the liquor cabinet.
Carl has been trying to find his Christmas gift (we didn’t get him one).
Atul made a solid gold Christmas cake.
Busisiwe burnt some documents to make the braai.
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If Jacob Zuma and Robert Mugabe were stuck on an island, who would survive?
Africa.
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Dear Fikile Mbalula,
Criminals are running the country. Your bosses have looted from our children’s future. You are a symptom of the cancer that has brought this nation to its knees.
You are an insipid, pathetic, arrogant narcissist.
Your day will come.
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Carl Niehaus hasn’t had this much attention since his mother died three times last year.
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The Saxonwold Shebeen never closed. It just changed its headquarters to Nkandla.
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Carl Niehaus is hanging around here like a really bad smell. Keeps buying booze off credit. We asked him to pay, but he assured us his mother’s brother’s uncle’s Aunty is about to die and leave him money to pay for the bill.
Awkward. Nkosazana, please come fetch this doos.
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RIse your hand if you think President Cyril Ramaphosa is doing a good job.
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Atul Gupta has been found, here at the Shebeen. Underneath a few tables, rocking back and forth, wiping away his tears with R200 notes.
We tried to offer him warm milk and a plate of curry but he is insisting on finding his favourite toy, uBaba.
Heartbreaking.
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Zindzi Mandela was obviously in the liquor cabinet last night.
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Sorry Floyd,
We don’t take VBS cards.
Your bar tab is overdue.
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Lynne Brown has arrived. She seems quite tearful and sad. Mumbled something about her not lying that much. Made her a cocktail. She phoned Brian Molefe but he’s not answering. Sad!
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Meanwhile, Russian Ambassador to South Africa, David Mabuza has returned home.
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Andile Mngxitama is here.
He is VERY angry and VERY drunk.
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Just a small one please bartender. I'm acting Minister of Police now.
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Easy there, Bathabile. Happy hour hasn’t started yet.
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Apologies comrades. Our account was hacked!
Ace Magashule hasn’t paid his bar tab in years, he is an asshole.
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Jacob Zuma asking not to go to jail or for the state to pay his legal fees, is very similar to a situation where a lion eats a Zebra and then asks for forgiveness from the Zebra’s herd while chewing on what is left of its face.
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Can someone please phone Norma to come and fetch Malusi. He’s been here since Thursday.
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Ace Magashule is stoking the braai flames, Bathabile is mixing a few cocktails, Carl Niehaus is making koeksisters, Jacob is setting the table and Atul is cooking a delicious curry. Happy
#HeritageDay
from us to YOU, South Africa 🇿🇦
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When the teacher puts you with a partner and you both hate each other
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Jimmy Manyi has just burst in, started blaming everyone from Ace to Zwane and downed ten beers in a row. We haven’t been this full since the reshuffle!
#Multichoice
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South African's can't even mourn a person these days without it becoming a complete shit show between races, religions, political supporters and people picking fights.
Whatever your thoughts, remember, we have ONE life, ONE South Africa and ONE heart - show some compassion.
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Apologies for being quiet lately, we’ve had some crazy nights here at the Shebeen. Been throwing Jacob a going away party for almost a month now and Cyril keeps peeping over the fence tapping his watch.
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“I was actually on my way home from Cuba. I was covered in rubber gloves and wearing seven face masks. After this, I accidentally tripped and found myself outside a house in Johannesburg. Luckily it belongs to my friend. I only ate one chip. Maybe two”- Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams
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When you go from Minister of Fearing Fokall to just Fokall.
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Just a friendly reminder that the Gupta’s called workers at Sun City ‘monkeys’ and referred to Brian Molefe as a ‘servant’.
That is all.
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The Saxonwold Shebeen is forever open for as long as there are politicians.
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Do you guys want to hear a joke?
Carl Niehaus.
Enjoy.
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Themba Maseko told Atul Gupta to go fuck himself.
This man deserves our nation’s highest honour!
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Dear Nomvula,
If you’re unsure of what water is, it is in fact the substance you mix your whiskey with.
Now explain to the people of
#Giyani
where their water went, along with over R3 billion.
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Carl Neuhaus has started his own party.
Patriotic Organisation of Economic Socialism.
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We were cleaning out the trash and we found Carl Niehaus. He’s looking for a new home, is anyone interested?
Relatively well trained, has a knack for lying. Might steal/sell your Grandmother. Answers to the name ‘Doos’. Good with children and ANN7 journalists.
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You see, I now know what I didn’t know in accordance to what we never really knew to start with. I am unsure of what I knew but I know very well that I know nothing.
#EskomInquiry
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Atul is currently rocking back and forth, crying hysterically. Rajesh is wiping away his tears with R200 notes. Ajay is desperately phoning everyone from Abrahams to Zwane.
Looks like this is the the beginning of the end!
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Hi Floyd. Welcome back. Regular table? Or table for two?
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Your son 'wrote' me a letter and he spelt his own name wrong. Really?
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Where is the capital of South Africa?
In a bank account in Dubai.
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Merry Christmas from everybody at the Shebeen!
Atul is making biryani, Rajesh is busy at work with stuffing a golden goose, Bathabile is pouring drinks and Carl is filling up Christmas crackers with I.O.U. slips and pocketing the presents.
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Hello White Monopoly Capital,
I will find you and I will eat you.
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Andile Lungisa is only allowed plastic cups at our fine establishment.
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Let’s all be nice to each other, even if it is just for the long weekend. Crack open a beer with an ANC comrade, give the keys to your tractor to an EFF supporter, pour a glass of crisp dry white wine for a DA member - let’s have a
#GoodFriday
.
Be blessed! 🙏🏻
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#ShaunAbrahams
has just walked in. We don’t have the heart to tell him his credit isn’t good here anymore.
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Ugh. Someone please come fetch Carl Niehaus. He's been here since Friday. Keeps asking for signatures and more pocket money. Help!
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Zandile Gumede has been deployed as the new CEO of the Saxonwold Shebeen: KwaZulu-Natal branch.
Congratulations!
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Hey Zimbabwe, if we send Bathabile Dlamini your way, can you keep her for us?
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It’s empty with the exception of Carl Niehaus who has taken up residency in our basement. All we hear is crying. He even ripped his NDZ poster off the wall.
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We live in a country where it is more important to have a million followers than charge the Gupta's with State Capture. Haiii!
#sapsHQ
Congratulations to our Minister
@MbalulaFikile
for passing the ONE MILLION mark on Twitter
#proud
🙌👏 SD
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We are facing bankruptcy now that Bathabile has resigned from Parliament.
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We’re almost on 10,000 followers! That’s 9,998 more than Black First Land First!
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Dear President Zuma and MK,
We get it. Maths can be tough, especially when you’re ordering at our bar.
Last night, you ordered three beers, two tequilas and a plate of chips.
Your total for the night is R9 533 632.
With a tip? Listen properly: You owe us
R 17 632 521
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Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
Mbeki: Long Walk to Early Retirement
Motlanthe: Short Walk to the Union Buildings
Zuma: Long Walk to Jail
Ramaphosa: Long Walk to Green Point
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BREAKING NEWS: Carl Niehaus has left his hiding place in our basement after hearing that NDZ will become President.
He has started dancing again.
Please, somebody help us and bring a dart gun.
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#AceMagashule
- “I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met”
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This account is dedicated to making fun of politics and politicians. Don’t catch feelings if we make fun of your party or leader.
Everybody should be able to laugh at one another. Stop being so serious. Have a beer/cup of tea/glass of Oros and laugh.
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IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN CARL NIEHAUS TO US IMMEDIATELY!
No reward will be given.
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Des van Rooyen spoke for longer than his entire tenure as Finance Minister
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Dear Gupta's and paid twitter,
You are welcome to threaten this account as much as you wish. It must be intimidating to be the joke of SA
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Ace Magashule hasn’t paid his bar tab in years, he is an asshole.
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