Simpsons SPFL 🏴
@SimpsonsSPFL
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Scottish Football x The Simpsons 🏴
Springfield, Fife
Joined January 2017
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HAPPY TRACKLIST
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hobi
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Rosé
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LINGLING MYCHERIE AMOUR EP8
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Tuchel
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Jimmy Carter
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Mutuse
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カズラドロップ
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Polymarket
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soobin
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Taka
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WELCOME BACK J-HOPE
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Tyler
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JUNG HOSEOK IS BACK
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WE ARE SO PROUD OF J-HOPE
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STRAY KIDS COME TO PLAY
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#السوبر_لمصالحه_الجمهور
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Elisha Ongoya
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Orengo
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Toru
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Cynthia
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Vargas
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Lina
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عبدالرحمن المطيري
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Marra
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Pablo Biró
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Nick Chubb
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ソロデビュー
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Gary Barlow
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Lawwell: "Um, unfortunately, since I spent your wages on the Dubai trip, we're sticking you on furlough."
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"I'm afraid Kieran Tierney has pulled out too, Eck."
McLeish: "Very well. Begin the thawing of Alan Hutton."
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[Dundee United stuck in the 2033/34 SPFL Championship.]
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"Any valuables in the house?"
Rodgers: "Well...the ticket stub from Lisbon, my childhood collection of Celtic programmes..."
"Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff."
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Lawwell: “Neil, this coronavirus doesn’t scare me. With Celtic Park closed to the public for upcoming matches, not a single microbe can get in or out.”
[Paul the Tim, sat in his seat, eating a pie.]
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“My name is Jock. Watching Scotland has ruined my life — I’m 31 years old.”
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"Hi, I'm manager Eck McLeish. You may remember me from such national team departures as 'Scotland's Adventures Down the FIFA Rankings' and 'The Irresistible Offer of Birmingham City'."
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Jack Ross: “Hello, Mrs McGinn. Uh, are you planning on having any more kids?”
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“What’s going on?”
“It’s an old-fashioned Hibsing, by gar it’s been a while!”
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McInnes: "Honey, you should've seen us against Celtic today, I-...no, but we came so close!"
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"What's this? An extremely contagious virus? Well, we don't need to take precautions, because we're Celtic Football Cl-"
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Clarke: "So, Kieran, how are you feeling ahead of the final on Saturday?"
Tierney: "Can't complain."
Clarke: "Excellent. Then you'll be ready for the game against Cyprus next month."
Tierney: "Ohhh! My ovaries!"
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“Glad you’re finally back to what you do best, Scotland.”
“Yeah, that was a scary few days.”
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Lennon: “I’ll be back. You can’t keep Brendan Rodgers out of England forever. And when he leaves, I’m back in the dugout, with all my Celtic buddies!”
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"Phil, are you wearing a waistcoat to impress Gareth Southgate?"
Neville: "Do you think he noticed?"
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"Hi, I'm Eck McLeish. You may remember me from such qualifying campaigns as 'Goal Difference Against Kazakhstan Plus San Marino Equals Negative One.'"
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Clarke: "Now, just because I managed Brophy at Kilmarnock, he'll get no special treatment. He calls me 'gaffer' just like everyone else...which he'll be doing as our new starting striker!"
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“We’ve lost at home to Hamilton Accies.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you. I’m clapping our manager.”
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Bonnyrigg Rose: "Is something wrong?"
SFA: "Yep, you've got a floodlight missing."
"Where?"
"Right there."
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Did warn you all.
Lennon: “I’ll be back. You can’t keep Brendan Rodgers out of England forever. And when he leaves, I’m back in the dugout, with all my Celtic buddies!”
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McInnes: "Hello?"
Levein: "Hello, Derek. You're a stupid head!"
McInnes: "Craig, is that you?"
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"The defective Scottish gene is on the Y chromosome, so only the men's national team is affected."
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Postecoglou: “Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have thumped the badge as often as I did.
Oh, crap! I shouldn’t have quoted Tommy Burns on the pitch in front of sixty thousand eyewitnesses.
Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn’t have told them they’ll be surprised by how long I’d stay at Celtic.”
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[2021 - Glasgow.]
Lennon: "This is all your fault, Bolingoli!"
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"Get ready, everybody. They're about to write a statement."
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“Then Christie cried. Then I cried. Then Steve Clarke gave a composed interview. He’s such a little trouper.”
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"Wait, Ange! You forgot about the tour of Japan this summer! A symbol of your long-term commitment to the club and its expansion into the Asian markets!"
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Lawwell: "Looks like we'll have to sign some other talented Scottish footballer. See how much Wimbledon want for Andy Murray."
"Uh...he's a tennis player, Peter."
"He'll play what I tell him to play. For I am the Chief Executive of Celtic."
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Levein: "We're going to do it! We're going to win the title! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! I-..."
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“Can’t. Stop. Playing. Yes. Sir. I. Can. Boogie.”
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Tom Miller: “You’re Clive Tyldesley.”
“Yes.”
“You’re a commentator.”
“Yes.”
“I commentate games too.”
“So?”
“Are you better than me?”
“Well, I’ve never met you, but...yes.”
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"Mmm - alcohol and two o’clock kick offs. It’s a winning combination."
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[Patrick Roberts blinks.]
Celtic fans: "Awww!"
[James Forrest walks in front.]
"Out of the way, you!"
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"Did you get the Killie job?"
McCann: "Nah, they wanted someone good."
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[Alex McLeish looks at his latest Scotland squad.]
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Clarke: "How long did San Marino hold out for against Belgium?"
Dyer: "43 minutes."
"And how long did we last?"
"I don't know, Steve. This stopwatch doesn't count up in seconds."
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“Folks, this is your captain speaking. Commiserations to Brendan Rodgers and his Leicester side on board with us tonight. They’ll be in the Europa Conference League knockouts with sides such as Basel, PSV and Celtic.”
“Celtic, where have I heard that name before?…Oh no, OH NO!”
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Lawwell: "Naturally, I can't pay you much of a fee for McGinn, because we're strapped for cash..."
[Champions League prize money falls through the ceiling.]
"...As you can see, this old place is falling apart."
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"Doughnuts, I got doughnuts! Hey, I know you, you're Steven Gerrard!"
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“That's okay. Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.”
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Lennon: “Hehe, looks like bad news for...’Neic’.”
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"The club's not in trouble, is it?"
"No, the board put Lenny in charge."
Lennon: "Uh, attention everybody...uh...uh...train harder, bye."
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McInnes: "Tommy, there’s no way we can lose to St Johnstone. Unless, of course, eight of our players went out in town last weekend and can’t play on Saturday, but that would never happen. Two players? That’s possible. Five players? There’s an outside chance. But EIGHT players?”
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“You see, us Celts, we have been most vocal on the subject of the Lennon sacking. ‘Where's the sacking?’, ‘When are you going to do the sacking?’, ‘Why aren't you doing the sacking now?’, and so on. So please, the sacking.”
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[Steven Pressley outside Tynecastle, with CV in hand.]
"Don't even think about it, pal!"
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Ross County: "It's alright, we've only come down for a season!"
Dundee United: "I didn't know we could do that."
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Budge: “AFC Bournemouth, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn’t help overhearing that you’re planning a frivolous lawsuit against your relegation!”
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“What began as a traditional ‘Timplosion’ has descended into a stadium-wide orgy of destruction.”
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Sturgeon: "Training camp, eh? Well, I just have one question. What kind of training camp consists of an afternoon spent lounging by the pool and sinking pints in the midst of a global pandemic?"
Lennon: "Um...uh, the best damn training camp in the Middle East!"
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Lawwell: "Uh-oh, we've had a complaint from Derek McInnes."
Lennon: "Is that bad?"
“Well, he's had it in for us ever since we kinda called him a Rangers bastard.”
“You did?”
“Well, replace the word ‘kinda’ with the word ‘repeatedly’, and the word ‘Rangers’ with ‘orange’.”
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Whyte: "Charge them, Neil. One count of being a Bear. And one count of provoking a Bear."
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"There's three ways to appoint a manager. The right way, the wrong way and the Rangers way."
"Isn't that the wrong way?"
"Yeah, but slower."
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🎵 Charlie, Charlie Adam,
Driving home after a pint or three.
Playing for the Dark Blues,
He’s about to hit a chestnut tree. 🎵
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When I started this account, I never thought I'd have to write a disclaimer like this, but here we go: the following tweet is not meant as a direct comparison between Neil Lennon and Adolf Hitler. I hope that much would be obvious anyway, but you can never be too safe online.
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[Steven Gerrard struggling to choose between Anfield and Ibrox.]
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Spiers: “Malky Mackay is not a racist. He may be a sexist, a homophobe, an anti-semite, a racist...but he is NOT a porn star.”
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"Willie sees yer World Cup, Willie don't care."
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"Our next full back in the Celtic January fire sale enjoys squaring up to Brazilian forwards. Let's hear it for Anthony Ralston!"
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Rodgers: "Peter, tell the fans what you bought when I asked you to sign John McGinn last summer."
Lawwell: "Curse you, disco lights!"
"Oh, stop blaming the lights."
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Gerrard: “It’s just a defeat at Tynecastle. 55’s still on, it’s still on. It’s just a couple of points dropped at home to Aberdeen. 55’s still on, it’s still on. It’s just a defeat at Killie. 55’s still on, it’s still on.”
“It’s gone.”
“I know.”
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"Oh, your days of managing a Champions League club are over, Mr. Lennon. But you can always fall back on the CV you built up at...Bolton Wanderers?! Oh, dear lord!"
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Wright: "I need the staunchest striker you have. No, Boyd's too staunch."
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“We interrupt your hungover Sunday to bring you a Rangers penalty.”
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“Who’s the bearded one?”
“That’s Danny McGrain, Brendan.”
“McGrain, eh? Hired by Ange?”
“Uh…actually, he’s coached here for decades, he played 663 times for your boyhood club, he’s in the Hall of Fame, he featured in one of your most sociopathic lies.”
“Doesn’t ring a bell.”
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“Let me get this straight, you flew a player who was on crutches out to an ‘intense, warm-weather training camp’, and now his positive test has forced half the team to isolate?”
Lennon: “Ohh, I thought a change in our luck was due!”
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Maxwell: "You are the chosen one, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now, to the top of Mount Florida for the coronation! Remove the stone of the two match ban."
Clarke: "Woohoo!"
Maxwell: "Attach the stone of the Scotland job."
Clarke: "Oh!"
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"Oh, you English think these David Marshall memes are a right laugh, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Scotland's number one is trapped under a net; crying like a little girl."
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Clarke: "Wow, a major tournament."
"Good afternoon, Steve. Would you and your Scotland side please get knocked out, right now, without a fuss?"
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“We’re gonna let you play the semi finals on the same day, but you have to promise not to get drunk and riot.”
“Sorry, pig, we can’t make that promise.”
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Neilson. “And since I had already taken Hearts to a cup final, there was no need for a second. The end.”
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"I think it's ironic that Livingston's all-weather pitch is potentially unplayable because of snow."
"And I think it's ironic that, not for the first time, white powder has halted the progress of David Martind-"
"Bart!"
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Madden: "Here's your man, Clare."
Whyte: "McGregor? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Alfredo Morelos."
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Gilmour: “Wow, Mr. Clarke. I was a grade-A moron to ever expect a Scotland call up.”
Clarke: [laughing] “Yes, you were, Billy. Yes, you were.”
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"Say the line, Craig."
Levein: "Regrets? No, it's a good laugh isn't it."
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“It may have been taken two penalty shootouts behind closed doors in the middle of a pandemic, but Scotland have made the Euros.”
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"Dozens of football games have been played every other summer since 1998, but, until now, none of them were important."
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Lennon: "C'mon, Kieran. We had our fun. Remember when you used to lead the Green Brigade?"
Tierney: "I was faking it."
"Liar!"
"Oh yeah? Remember this? 'Doo doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo doo!'"
"Hey! Stop that! Stop. Stop it! Stop it!"
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“Ooh, do I hear the sound of wagons circling? It’s got to be the opinions of Neil Lennon’s old Celtic pals — Scotland’s answer to a question no one asked!”
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"We had hopes of the Euros,
They died, they died!
Andy said he was at the dentist,
He lied, he lied!
Why, oh why, are our dreams dead?
Couldn't we have had San Marino first instead?"
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Gerrard: "We're struggling, someone give us a penalty, quick."
Dallas: "I'm a-coming, Steven!"
"Andrew, get back here."
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“Get that Copenhagen punk’s name. No one makes a fool out of Police Scotland.”
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"We’ll have fun supporting the Ukrainians on Saturday - won’t we, lads?"
"To see England knocked out of a tournament, I’d cheer for Satan himself."
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Levein: "This is where I come to cry."
Stendel: "Cool."
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Derek Ferguson: "Hello, son. Where have you been?"
Lewis Ferguson: "Playing for Accies."
Derek Ferguson: "No you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a new manager of yours, haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!"
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"To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of Scottish football's problems."
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"So, Malmö, it appears the Banter Years have been resumed by the very club who started them."
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Leitch: “Three weeks without football crowds, and our omicron cases will have fallen dramatically.”
“Really? What’s that based on?”
“Not exactly science, a little grudge against football fans. Most of you will be lucky to see the inside of a ground until about March, actually.”
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"The blue pound? What's that?"
"It works just like regular money but it's...er, staunch."
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"Look at all those disappointed faces...except for Andy. He looks great."
Robertson: "This is the worst day of my life."
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Sometimes I think that I might eventually run out of content to use for this account. Then headlines like this come along and remind me that Scottish football is a never-ending patter machine.
Celtic banner draws Mussolini response as Duce's granddaughter condemns Green Brigade
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"Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this team to 'Murty.'"
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Carter-Vickers: “Another Guinness, Mr. Sands?”
Tillman: “Gentlemen, to Celtic.”
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Putin: "Despite escalating tensions in the region, next month's play-off match between Scotland and the Soviet Union will be going ahead as planned."
Clarke: "The Soviet Union? I thought we were playing Ukraine?"
"Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! Ahahahaha!"
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