(((Simcha Fisher)))
@SimchaFisher
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many sparrows in a trench coat @americamag @catholic_weekly @osv
New Hampshire
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Every time I see a bee, I murmur, “You know I got an assortment”
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My mom got pregnant at 18 and she & my dad married secretly. He got appendicitis and was rushed to the hospital. My mom wanted to see him, but wasn’t allowed because she wasn’t family. My dad said, “She is family, she’s my wife!” & passed out.
My grandmother was like, EXCUSE ME.
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So then my mother had a miscarriage, and both families were like, “phew, off the hook, let’s get a divorce asap, this never happened” but my parents were extremely offended. They may have been young and dumb but they meant it when they got married. They were married 57 years.
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@AITA_reddit
NTA. This meal was the perfect gift for your gf: A visible-from-space red flag so she knows to get out before she signs up for a lifetime of passive aggressive manipulation and control.
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Today at Mass I learned one of my kids thought it was: “We praise you, we bless you, we adore you, we horrify you.”
Which, well…
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Kind of baffled by these little signs outside the bathroom at the pizza place
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You don’t get to pick your cross. If you did, you’d pick something you can live with, and that’s not what a cross is for. A cross is designed to kill you.
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Last time I went to confession, I ran away before it was my turn. Asking your prayers I can try again this week. Thanks.
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My father, Phillip Prever, died last night. He was at home, and it does seem like he was expecting it. Please pray for him and for us. Thank you.
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The dumb meme keeps circulating, so I’ll do my part:
-Catholics don’t baptize ANY dead people. That’s why they don’t baptize stillborn babies.
-No rules about how many breaths anyone took.
-Catholics frequently have funeral Masses for miscarried and stillborn babies.
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One never knows what one will find at the Salvation Army for $3 each
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Dear Catholics, if your bishop has cancelled Mass in your diocese, PLEASE be humble and obedient and don't travel to a diocese where Mass is not cancelled. Helping to spread disease is not a good way to worship God. Thank you (/internal screaming)
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There's a meme circulating with Pope Francis holding up an object with his eyes closed, and people are shopping in various funny objects. In the original photo, the object is a host being consecrated. This means being turned from bread into the actual body and blood of God. 1/
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I was born and raised in poverty and it is good that I exist.
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Never mind community service hours. Confirmation candidates should be required to log a certain number of Eucharistic Adoration hours. 100% serious.
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honestly, being a lifelong pro-lifer seeing roe v wade about to be overturned in *this* political climate is kind of like, whoa, my lifelong dream of owning my own home is finally coming true!!!
Oh no, it's haunted.
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My husband was about to say something was "bullshit," but suddenly realized the kids were in the room. So instead, he said it was "baloneyshit."
He tried. He really tried.
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I was ambivalent about sharing this, because it’s pretty intimate; but I think people need to hear that dementia doesn’t need to end a marriage, even if it changes it drastically. This is a note my father left for my mother. It wasn’t a peaceful marriage, but she died well loved.
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Good evening. I am so thrilled and humbled to announce my upcoming candidacy for the presidency of the United States. My entire platform is this: Headlights Do Not Need To Be That Bright. Thank you.
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Sorry it needs to be said, but: no, you’re not weird or uptight or controlling for wanting your husband or boyfriend to not use porn. Blaming women for their desire for this basic, baseline decency is a societal conspiracy of abuse. You should be able to live free of porn.
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My husband just paused the movie and explained to the kids that if they have more questions, they should write them down on a piece of paper, wait until the end of the movie, and then eat the piece of paper.
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everybody hates this, but the truth is that if you put women in charge, they would also get corrupt and abusive. It's not that men are rotten and women are magically virtuous. It's that women haven't as much opportunity to go bad in the same public way powerful men have. Sorry.
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The one and only reason a corporation would pay for its employees to travel for an abortion is because it’s cheaper than paying for insurance for prenatal care, and maternity leave, and time off to care for sick kids, etc etc. Your uterus could get expensive and it worries them.
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My beloved mother, Marilyn Prever, died suddenly but peacefully Friday evening. Please remember her and our family in your prayers!
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no matter what your compassionate, nuanced pro-choice argument is, you should always add, “and of course fetuses can’t fight back, haha.” Just out of honesty. Because if that weren’t true, we’d be having a very different argument.
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It’s our job to teach our kids about responsibility, and it’s our job to teach them about mercy. The secret is that these two virtues don’t contradict each other; they strengthen each other.
This kid saved up all week for an ice cream.
Spent $5.
Dropped it after the 5th lick.
I didn’t buy him another one.
Life is hard, he took it well.
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@punished_cait
Somebody flipped out when she found out my dog ate a Pop Rock. I was like, he also eats actual rocks, but ok
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I interview priests regularly for a vocations column, and I just had a rather sad conversation. He didn't complain, but I could read between the lines. Parish priests are lonely, you guys. Busy and lonely, and they get yelled at a lot for things that aren't their fault.
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You think it’s crazy that Catholics believe a single word matters, wait till you hear what we believe baptism DOES.
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When you suggest doing away with celibacy to cut down on abuse, you're saying
1. If you haven't gotten laid lately, you're likely to rape boys; and
2. You see women as a catch basin to contain men's sexual discharge.
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@abbygov
At kindergarten screening, they asked what I liked to do for fun, and I said “roll my eyes.”
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Ahh they have seals inside
One never knows what one will find at the Salvation Army for $3 each
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I am really struggling and could use some prayers please. Thanks.
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I guess I’m naive, I honestly thought all Catholics liked Eucharistic Processions. Sheesh.
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Begging your prayers for a friend who is considering suicide if she doesn’t get better pain management.
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If I were a priest helping guide a famous person into the Church, I would beg him to keep the whole thing secret, for 5-10 years at least. These celebrity public conversions nehhhhhhhhhhver end well for anybody. Let people be! Stop treating their souls like hot real estate!
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If I were the Pope, I would clear my schedule and stop this. This particular thing.
If I were the pope and didn't understand why this would be important to do, I would, I don't know, find a blunt, honest friend and ask if I should quit being pope.
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You may not like it, but this is what peak bioethical coherence looks like.
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Yesterday, I was in pain and was afraid for my life, and in my distress I let slip some foul language, which several of you brought to my attention while I was in the ER.
I’m feeling much better today, and so, from the bottom of my correctly-functioning heart, I say: Fuck you.
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@oldenoughtosay
As someone who just built a patio sourced from various Facebook marketplace offers,that turned out KIND OF UNEVEN, this is very validating
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I had a dream there was a country music smash hit called "I'm In Love With a G-Rated Woman." It SUCKED, but it was stuck in my head when I woke up. So I wrote out the lyrics. They are terrible. Sorry. Here, now you can suffer too:
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my husband this weekend
Helped elderly neighbor to Mass
Comforted crying child and buried her dead pet
Taught son to change oil
Folded laundry
Helped one daughter to move and one to buy a car
Found a novena for our family
Made me a cappuccino
&
Tweeted no tweets about masculinity
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Went to confession, bleated out my sins, no counsel, just absolution, bleated out my penance, shuffled out of the church, found myself humming and beaming and hopping over ouddles. Happens every time. Best deal in town.
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23 years of parenting, and it never occurred to me to make a specific rule against bringing a sock full of marbles to Mass.
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@causalinf
Librarian. We never had to return books or paintings until we felt like it. But my favorite thing was the obscure catalogs he would bring home. Cheerleading supply catalogs, hotel supply catalogs, etc. this was pre-internet, so a peek into unfamiliar worlds was fascinating.
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she protec, she attac, but most importantly, her heart immac
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One of our teens has taken to wearing ripped jeans and flannel shirts, so my husband has started calling her "Soundgarden." It baffles and infuriates her. We are old and have very few consolations left in life, but this is definitely one.
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2/ I know most people don't believe this is what happens at Mass, but Catholics do. It is the holiest and most central moment of our entire faith. It really hurts to see it held up for ridicule. I've only seen silly ones, but I assume there are gross and profane ones, too.
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Having gained several new followers after publishing an essay in defense of communion rails, I feel I should warn you that . . .
well, you'll see.
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3/ I suppose people think it's fine to mock Catholicism because pedo priests + other various grave scandals. Please understand that, when you mock the sacrament of the Eucharist, all you're doing is hurting Catholics who have already been profoundly hurt by these same scandals.
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yoooo it's my one year sobriety anniversary. I quit drinking out of spite and here we are.
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Odd to take a historical picture and say “imagine if this had happened!” It did happen. We don’t have to guess. Among other things, the youths who were raised in this world were told “shame on you, how could such a good and holy priest as Fr Bellsandincense molest anyone?!” So.
Imagine if Catholic youth had been exposed to this beauty for the past 50 years, instead of guitars, felt banners and All are Welcome.
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I have a serious problem that’s starting to seem really hopeless, and I would appreciate prayer. Thank you.
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I understand the desire, but I don’t actually want some vigilante to jackhammer the Rupnik murals. I want the Church to do it. The whole PROBLEM is that there’s this “us vs them” mentality. I want the shepherds to remember they exist to protect their sheep.
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I just heard my son in the kitchen say "Megan thee Stallion, here" in a "Kermit thee Frog" voice. I'm pretty sure he's alone in there.
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Probably Mary Magdalene doesn’t care if people think she was a hooker, because then people with hooker-type problems pray to her, and prayer is good. She doesn’t care about her reputation due to the Beatific Vision.
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It’s my daughter’s second day working at Michael’s, and she now intends to someday become a Wedding Unplanner, who talks you out of buying stupid shit for your wedding.
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My husband. My brothers. My two sons. That's what boy hasn't done this in high school. Notice they're not saying Kavanaugh is innocent; they're saying sexual assault is normal.
Stop telling boys it's normal to assault girls. Stop telling girls it's normal to be assaulted.
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The women went to the tomb as soon as the sun rose, discussing *on the way* how to move the stone. Didn’t have a plan, just rushed over. I can’t find a tidy theological lesson - they were probably just exhausted, heartbroken, not thinking clearly.
I am so happy for them, and us.
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Do something nice for a homeless person and don’t record it on your phone and put it on TikTok challenge
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Can I be angry at people for not getting vaccinated, which is clearly the right thing to do, and nervous about government vaccine mandates, which are clearly VERY nervous-making?
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it was me. I was praying for help in managing my time better. Sorry.
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Just want you to know that I saw the MLK "Embrace" statue in person today and it was MUCH MUCH WORSE than the pictures
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I’m sure you can find something about Catholicism you don’t like w/o making silly shit up or being ghoulish toward grieving parents.
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Kid, into microphone: ”…and tonight [kidname], [kidname] and [kidname] will be the socialists.”
Music teacher, leaping like an antelope over to microphone: “SOLOISTS.”
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The "I only read middle school books" discourse is pretty dreadful, but part of the reason for it is that novels for adults are so unremittingly grim and hopeless. Who can recommend novels for adults that leave you with some hope? Not necessarily chipper & flowery, just not grim.
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When my kids were super distracted at Mass, we got there a little early and nabbed the front row so we could focus on the altar.
Horny young dudes could also do this.
Or they could go on Twitter and call everyone whores, whichever seems more pleasing to Jesus.
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If you don’t want men to be dragged down by decades-old accusations of rape, then you need to crack down on minutes-old accusations of rape as they happen. But that’s not how it goes.Still, even now, that’s not how it goes.
#Kavanaugh
#ChristineBlaseyFord
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My periodic reminder: If you go to a museum with mummies, pray for their souls, and don't act like a jerk in there! They are people.
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You had to give birth while wearing a mask; Trump tests positive and still holds a rally.
You couldn’t be with your dying father; Trump does a maskless photo op.
You were stuck in your house for weeks or months; Trump goes on a joy ride.
He doesn’t care about you. He never did.
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Famous person: Offensive thing.
Me: [calls person] Hi, are you sure you meant to say "offensive thing?"
Famous person: OFFENSIVE OFFENSIVE THING THING THING!!!
Me: Okay. [writes down "offensive thing"]
Readers: Oh, Simcha. Really, your TONE.
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I asked my husband if I could stop working and just be a housewife, but also not do any housework, but just lie in bed and eat candy, and he said yes. We haven’t worked out the details yet, but I appreciate the positivity.
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Accustom yourself to saying, “I wonder if that’s true?” and then taking four seconds to look it up. ACCUSTOM YOURSELF.
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Evergreen in Catholic groups: “My wife is begging me to agree to practice NFP, but I think God wants us to just love each other freely.”
I see, so you show your wife you love her by bullying her into doing what you want and calling it God’s will. How very St Joseph of you.
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This isn’t just the rape of a girl we’re talking about; this is serious!
#Kavanaugh
#rapeculture
#BrockTurner
#ChristineBlaseyFord
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If you say "I can't imagine lighting fires and smashing stuff," you're right, you can't. I can't either, because I've never been made to feel like the police can murder me and no one would care. I can't imagine having my president incite violence against me. I can't imagine it.
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People laugh at Catholics for saying sex is supposed to be unitive and procreative, but the
#sexstrike
idea shows that your other choices are to make sex either an instrument of oppression or a weapon. And that is the least sexy thing I've ever heard in my life.
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My mother, who has Alzheimer's & lives in a nursing home, has covid. She's has her first vaccine dose and her symptoms are mild so far. We love her and don't want her to suffer. We lost my father last spring & aren't ready for another covid-style funeral, but it's in God's hands.
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My 5-year-old came down crying because we don’t live in a castle. My husband comforted her by telling her that people who live in castles aren’t allowed to eat hot dogs or take their shirts off and listen to Bruce Springsteen. She stopped crying.
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Commenters pointed out that
@michael_voris
and
@ChristineNiles1
routinely exposed the most private details of the lives of others in the name of investigative journalism;but now that a scandal is in-house, they are asking for prayer, support,and privacy
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someone told me that their therapist will not schedule two teenage girl clients back to back, because it's just too draining. As someone with three teenage daughters, I almost wept with how validating that was.
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In all seriousness, if you are a Catholic who’s devoted to the Latin Mass and today’s news is painful to you, I am praying for you. God grant all of us why we need to become closer to Him.
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I genuinely did not realize he was trying to be mean! Ha. That’s us.
There can be no question that Roman Catholicism -- whether on its left or its right -- disproportionately attracts non-heterosexuals, social misfits, basket cases, lonely folks, and those who want simple answers to complex questions. Why the RCC functions as such is a mystery.
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5-Y-O, with tear-stained cheeks: "Sometimes, when I get cranky, I say things I don't mean. When I said I hate Magic Schoolbus, that was one of those things. But I went outside and had a scream, and now I feel better."
Parents, go to therapy, if only for the trickle-down effect.
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Did I fall asleep in the adoration chapel, yes, but did I wake myself back up with my own snoring, YES.
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Jesus telling Peter he’s a rock, and then he tries to walk on water and sinks.
The Bible is a serious book. But it does have some funny moments in there, you gotta admit. What moment in the Bible do you find funny or makes you laugh?
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Your gentle reminder that people who attend the novus ordo mass did not do this to you.
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I am a simple person and find misplaced modifiers funny
Rejected from convents because of a lack of education, God used this formerly unknown young nun to spread His Divine Mercy throughout the world.
St. Faustina, pray for us!
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4/ When you make goofy pictures of the consecration, it's like making goofy pictures of ... well, I can't think of an equivalent, because the whole point is that there's nothing like it.
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