🐚 of the ball
@ShellsPemBroke
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“You sound like you need antibiotics and Jesus” - @RoryPetzer 2024
johannesburg
Joined April 2009
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🇿🇦 I am a South African. And I think we’re kinda fucking great. Sorry, but this is factual. I live in an underrated country. Here’s a thread of why I feel this way.
Spoiler: you’re gonna hate some of these. 🇿🇦
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Ok I’m saying this again. Why don’t banks and banking apps have a Distress PIN? If you’re being forced to draw/transfer money, use a PIN that shows a small amount that you can withdraw or transfer and simultaneously cancels accounts and alerts authorities.
Is this not logical??
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Call me crazy, but surely there’s a solar solution for the traffic lights at the very least. I mean, they’re predictable in energy usage and they’re sunning themselves all day anyway?
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Can’t believe the racist bullshit being spewed around
#TumiMorake
’s accident. What the actual fuck?
Dear black people, on belhalf of this white person (because many of us are fuckknobs) I apologize for the inconsiderate disgusting behaviour of my race.
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Dear Santa.
Eskom’s been really REALLY bad this year. Please leave coal in their stocking? Like a fuck ton of coal. More coal than you’ve ever given anyone before.
Sincerely,
Everyone.
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Dear everyone whose response to electricity issues is “just get solar”…
…please think for a second and stop that shit.
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Listen, please don’t follow me if you’re expecting profound tweets about business, the economy and society as a whole.
I mostly just like my kid, my cat and Nandos.
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Marvellous news. My Takealot package that I drunk ordered is arriving tomorrow. I have no clue what I ordered and i refuse to check.
Let’s see how much I love me.
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I once had a colleague who saved up all of his leave and then took every Friday off for the last 3 months of year.
God that was a genius play.
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Boyfriend had no power last night so told him he could come charge stuff at mine while I was out.
I came home and this man had cleaned my house because he knows I normally do it on Sunday and wanted me to chill today cos he knew I’d be feeling rough 🥺🥺
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Hear me out:
No one ever OWNS a cat. We are simply their emergency contact.
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If I wasn’t working from home, I’d be paying about 4k on petrol a month.
Whomst the fuck has that sort of cash lying around?
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Omg wait. I have tattoos! Does this mean I’m in a gang?!? This is the closest to being cool I’ve ever been 🤩
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No 1. Us. South Africans. That’s it.
No sarcasm. No joke. We are THE BEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. You can make friends with literally ANYONE you meet on a daily basis. We really like liking people. Accidentally compliment someone’s nails and you’re basically in their will.
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Other people like sparkling water, right? It’s not just me?
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I am an absolute cynic. The world is trash. People are trash. There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that we’re all headed for a dumpster fire.
But not a single person in this world can ever stop me from believing that South Africans are the best people on this planet.
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I love Ryan Reynolds as much as the next person, but I’d really like to see him in a role where he’s not Ryan Reynolds playing Ryan Reynolds in a film about Ryan Reynolds.
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The best video I saw from the storms yesterday. Right by my childhood home 😂😂😂😂
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Just drove kid to school.
The school is closed today.
Happy Friday.
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Admit that you’ve never seen it.
I’ll start.
Sex and the City.
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Friend just sent me this pic from his hotel in Durbs. Like right now as we speak.
Close all the fucking beaches please.
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No 4. The scenery
Fuck ALL THE WAY OFF. I mean. Come on. My sister does the hiking stuff and every vid she posts makes me damp in my pants. It’s not just Cape Town. It’s fucking EVERYWHERE. Urban chic. Mountains for days. Animals the rest of the world drools over. Fucking hell
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So my company offers free gym membership. Not all of us use it. Today we were asked to pick something else they can offer us monthly individually. Sorbet vouchers, babysitters, date nights, whatever.
😭😭😭 I love these dudes
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No 6. Sportsball!
Never EVER fuck with a South African and a placement or a gold medal. We take this shit SERIOUSLY. And we’re GOOD at it! Respect our prowess!
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I never talk politics on this here app, but this is some next-level bullshit from some asshole looking for likes. On behalf of most of us, fuck ALL the way off.
Please say a prayer for the white minority in South Africa who are suffering daily murder, discrimination and oppression.
This Christmas, spare a thought for a kindred community that is under siege.
They are suffering racist genocide at the hands of a murderous regime.
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Is anyone else thinking this is the most Slytherin-looking mother fucker they’ve ever seen?
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The sort of week where many people discover that their ID book is not, in fact, where they think it is.
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No 3. Comedy. OMFG THE COMEDY!!!
Who in the world laughs at themselves as much as we do? Honestly? The world may be burning but we are toasting marshmallows. How are SA comedians not more popular??? This one’s for
@RoryPetzer
❤️
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Just tell the SABC that the tiger didn’t pay his TV license and they’ll find him ASAP.
Follow me for more solutions.
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Well, the lights may be out but at least I can still visit Marie Stopes if I want to 🤷♀️
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Say what you want about Pep but I got kiddo slippers, boots, wellies, underwear, socks, vests, pants and two jerseys for R650 🤷♀️🤷♀️
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No 7. It’s us again. We’re really the best.
Seriously, your mate, your family, your car guard, your waiter: they are all the absolute best. Take some time and find out. South Africans make South Africa. And we’re so fucking cool.
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Still just completely obsessed with every nuance of Andrew Garfield in Tick Tick Boom. Like actually obsessed with every facial expression and dance movement. He was just perfection.
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I’d happily contribute to the NHI if I believed for one motherfucking second that the gov is capable of delivering it.
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No 5. Zombie-apocalypse-readiness
Listen, you know we’re prepped to deal without electricity and basic public services. When the world goes to shit, the Saffas will be claiming the planet. I can filter my own water, thank you 😤
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Update: drunk me decided I need a curler for my already-curly hair, a bunch of hair products, a massive thing of screen cleaner, a new toilet brush and a puzzle.
Brava, Shelley. Brava.
Marvellous news. My Takealot package that I drunk ordered is arriving tomorrow. I have no clue what I ordered and i refuse to check.
Let’s see how much I love me.
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The smile. The reason.
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So my performance review went well.
So well that I got a promotion.
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I just got offered the position as head of my team. Like officially 😭😭😭😭😭
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My relationship with South Africa is like a relationship with a sibling:
I may want to punch their fucking face in because they’re being an asshole, but if someone else talks kak about us, I will kick their teeth in because you don’t know the love. We are the BEST people.
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I sent a very stern email to someone about 5x above my pay grade today outlining what i consider acceptable working processes on a project she requested me on.
I am simultaneously proud and shitting myself.
But can we normalise this?
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He did good. Made more than most and got an award for most creative business 😆
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Is everyone going through shit? I mean EVERYONE. Was feeling a bit down about something and wondered who I could talk to and realised I can’t talk to anyone because everyone’s going through heccie things.
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Has anyone else ever looked at this and thought, "what the fuck does that even mean?"
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Look at us, all agreeing with Piers Morgan for a change.
Truly the world is in chaos.
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No 2. Potholes.
Say what you want. We are some of the most cautious and observant drivers in the world. At no point do we feel comfortable feeling comfortable driving. The lack of infrastructure means we could and should be on the set of Mission Impossible.
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Currently having a braai with my 69 year old neighbor whose wife passed away in Jan.
He’s been alone since Jan. He is crying. I am crying.
Fucking wrecked.
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Work: farewell for colleague tomorrow!
Me: I don’t have a car
Work: why don’t you just Uber?
Look, I’m sorry I don’t have R400 for the return trip. Can we please stop shaming people for living within their means?
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Birthday alert!! He is 5 years old today. My best friend. My favourite person. The best thing I’ve ever done. My Raph ❤️ 🎉 🎈 🎊
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Raph doesn’t have a Springbok jersey, so I asked him how he wants to dress to support the Boks tonight.
My child, ladies and gents.
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So Raph and I have started doing a bedtime ritual called “1 for 1”.
We have to tell each other one thing that the other has done to make us happy today.
It’s our best tradition yet.
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Something not that interesting: I am, in fact, bisexual.
Something much more interesting: the sheer number of idiot men who think bisexual means wanting to have a threesome with them and another girl.
🖕
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Listen, if I’m gonna take you out for dinner, I’m gonna dress up to do it 💋
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Dear tourists who are planning on seeing The Lion King and then coming to South Africa to cuddle a lion.
Don't.
Thanks.
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I hate using the term “resilient” to describe South Africans but fucking hell, we just keep making lemonade. We’re not even given lemons but we still find a way.
I truly believe we are some of, if not THE best people on the planet. Friendly, funny, kind. Just perfection ❤️
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Fuck but I am SO tired of just surviving.
I want to thrive and learn and grow and have goals and look forward to things again.
I feel completely and utterly deflated.
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South Africa is like a company of REALLY good employees with shitty management.
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How much popcorn does 1kg of seeds make?
Glad you asked!
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On weekends, we bake and give cupcakes to our neighbours and security guards 👌
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6 years ago today I took this photo and I will never not think it’s the most beautiful pic I’ve ever taken.
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South Africans are so angry that a misogynist is getting voted into office in the states.
Hello, pot? Yes, this is kettle.
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In honour of my Raphael, who is literally my hero who is half Shell. Turtle power.
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Does anyone else get crazy anxiety from unresolved issues? Like I physically feel ill until it’s sorted.
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Sometimes I have to say this out loud and to the masses so that I believe it myself:
I am the best mom that I can be.
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I am the type of person who will message you when your favourite instant coffee is on special and Pick n Pay.
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Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of our first date. Here is the story of the ticking time bomb that is our relationship.
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Might I ask a favour of this app? My mum is competing in the SA Veteran Masters singles for bowls this weekend. Can we please send her some love and well wishes?
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My kid completely floored me last night. He opened the whole graduation with a reading. His teachers gushed about him. He danced like a champ. His principal told me he’s doing Grade 2 work already.
Fuck, I am so gonna be THAT mom 🥰
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After 4 hour slot, power came back and then Vumatel went down. Went to my folks to work. First thing I said to my dad was “Please don’t give me shit about my car being dirty” and burst into tears.
My dad promptly took my keys and took my car to the car wash.
Family 😭
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One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn is that sometimes people are just gonna hate you. Like proper loathe you. And there’s nothing you can do to change it. No amount of kindness. Nothing. You just need to let it be.
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Raph drew a picture of me last night. He said he gave me two hearts because I love him so much.
Sorry just cutting onions over here 😭
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Me: I want this place.
Twitter: good luck shells!
Landlord: can you move in next weekend? Here’s the contract.
😭😭😭😭😭
I love you guys ❤️❤️
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Please validate my cat. She’s been sleeping all day so I assume she’s depressed.
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She clearly has the number 1 on her face. This is how I know she’s the best.
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My very grownup present to myself arrived. I am most excite
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Side note: how do you become a food critic? Do you just wake up one day and think, “fuck I’m good at eating. I reckon I eat better than other people.”
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Holy crap but starting your life again from scratch is POES expensive 😣😣
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Forgive the boxes but fuck it, feeling the black on black on black today 👌
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Behold, my homemade pizza for tonight. Spinach, feta, jalapeño and chilli.
(Ok I bought the base, but still, it’s hella good)
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Grief is so fucking weird. Just pops up out of nowhere like a Clientele cold-call and leaves you feeling like your personal space has been invaded.
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Haven’t spoken to bf much today because busy. I sent him a VN earlier and he could hear something off in my voice. So instead of replying, he pitched up at my gate 20mins later to give me a hug.
This man can have me forever.
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My little dude is 6 whole frikkin years old today 🥰🥰😭😭🥹🥹🥹
My favourite person on the planet, now and forever.
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