Shae Aaron
@ShaeAaron
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13,036
Following
6,398
Media
475
Statuses
35,803
Don't believe anything you read.. If I wrote it, it’s a joke
Joined July 2013
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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I spend my entire day looking for the opportunity to take a nap.
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Not enough credit is given to the friends who show up out of the blue, spend the day laughing with you, and then disappear for another 6 months.
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My personal style can best be described as hoping I don’t run into anyone I know.
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I wanted to be healthy and buy organic vegetables, but all they have at this krispy kreme are donuts.
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I’m single by choice. Not my choice. Everyone else’s choice.
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I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
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Sorry, can’t. I already talked to people today and once was enough.
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So single that the remote, phone, and laptop have their own side of the bed and a pillow.
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I don’t need much. Just morning sex, morning coffee, and $100,000.
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I always thought that adulthood would come with a lot more sex.
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I’m single by choice. Not my choice. Everyone else’s choice.
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I always thought that adulthood would come with a lot more sex.
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It takes 16 muscles to turn over and fall back asleep. Follow me for more fitness tips.
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Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use uber eats to get donuts.
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I’m at that age where going out to party sounds fun if I can do it from my couch.
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My gym sent me a bill for membership renewal, so I sent them a picture of me eating donuts at my desk.
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At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
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I just sold a snowblower on facebook marketplace. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.
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I just sent a text that says "we really need to talk" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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The trick is to find someone who will love you even when you’re not naked.
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Why do Oreo’s claim that there are 20 servings in a box? I only counted one.
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If you love someone set them free and hope they come back with Chinese takeout.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
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Sex is great and all, but have you ever made a room full of people laugh?
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All I’m saying is, the only time I’ve cleared the table in a moment of passion, it was to make room for pizza.
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I moan in bed a lot for someone who’s just moving pillows around and turning from one side to the other.
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If you don’t click the button at least 5 times to make sure the car is locked, do you even love your car?
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Imagine falling in love and then finding out that they don’t like tacos.
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There are people out there running marathons and I’m just on the couch trying to drag the remote and m&m’s over to me with a pillow.
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My stripper name is 'Cover that up. Nobody wants to see that'.
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My fitbit told me that it’s time to get up and move, so I’m going to get snacks.
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It turns out that I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.
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Sex is great and all, but have you ever skipped out of work just to have fun?
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I thought that I might need a man, but then my engine light went off.
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Which wine pairs best with refusing to live within your means?
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One more day without sex and I flee to an island and open my own cat sanctuary.
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Don’t rely on me for directions. We’ll end up 3 states away eating cake by the ocean.
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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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Sex is great and all, but have you ever slept for 8 hrs straight?
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My sexual preference is to have sex. One day. Before the world ends.
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I moan in bed a lot for someone who’s just adjusting pillows and turning from one side to the other.
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You don't have to lead me to temptation. I know a shortcut.
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Why buy a weighted blanket when you can just live under the weight of existential dread.
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The most committed relationship I’ve had has been with ibuprofen.
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When you say you want a monster in bed, but you don’t say what kind.
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If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.
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At my age “getting lucky” means being able to remember my password.
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Men will literally spend 3 hrs in a Home Depot instead of going to therapy.
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I almost had an I need a man moment, but then I got the bottle open.
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@Parkerlawyer
I would have said “sure. Hand me your credit card and we can have lunch delivered to the meeting. Anyone else want anything? Joe’s buying”.
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And so begins another week of me not becoming unexpectedly sexy and rich.
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Why does everyone think that I need a man? I wouldn't even know what to do with one. How often do they eat?
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I just watched a man telling other men not to share their hard times or troubles with their girlfriends or wives because it will end the relationship. I completely disagree. What do you think?
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@joeylorich
All of our meetings are immediately being cancelled - would be the topic of a new meeting
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed.
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From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.
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What base is it when you ignore all of their phone calls and go back to bed?
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I dropped my date off at Home Depot. He’ll be happier there.
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.
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I always thought that adulthood would come with a lot more sex.
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Relationship status? Sleeping like a starfish in the middle of a king size bed.
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