Seanbaby
@Seanbabydotcom
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Statuses
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I invented being funny on the Internet. , Dogg Zzone 9000, , Cracked, Attack of the Show, Adult Swim, EGM, Calculords.
Portland, Oregon
Joined May 2009
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If you shoot a door lock in Star Wars it opens it, locks it, prevents it from ever being opened or locked again, or won’t hold them for long. Whatever you want; they don’t give a shit.
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I'd like to solve the puzzle?
WATCHING. MY. DENTIST. PEE. ONLINE.
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I don’t have a joke; I just want to corroborate with history that today the president tear gassed protestors so he could stand in front of a church and hold a Bible upside down and say, “It’s a Bible.”
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I don't want to get too political, but when someone is upset over murder, assume it's because of the murder and not because a secret cabal of liberal billionaires paid them to act sad.
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So a white Marvel writer was a fake Japanese writer named Akira Yoshida? That's the name of the most popular Anime with the last name of the Japanese X-Man. It's like naming yourself Cheeseburger Schwarzenegger. While on the subject, please call me Cheeseburger Schwarzenegger.
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Date: Do you have any interesting hobbies?
Me: I accuse websites of violating my constitutional right to free speech when they delete my negative reviews of female superhero movies I haven't watched.
Date: SPLOOSH
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Yesterday: “Cry more, libs!! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck youuuuu!”
Tomorrow: “Guys, let’s not let our differences divide us. A lot of those people who shaved the heads of Nazi sympathizers went on to regret it.”
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If you’re fighting an AT-ST in Star Wars there’s either nothing on this planet that can scratch that thing’s legs or you can have some teddy bears roll some loose lumber at it.
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I bet it's a tough job search when your previous position was "heated up hot dogs" and your reason for leaving was "Nazi."
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"A new villain? What are her powers?"
"None, but she owns a bus pass, a Napolean hat, and 1 boxing glove."
"What's her name? Transpolean Bonapunch?"
"What? No. She's The Thumper. Because she fucking thumps you. Look, if you're not interested, maybe DC wi-"
"No, wait! WAIT!"
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My wife made another 10 pounds of human baby! I named her River City Reiley.
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I bet those cops would have stormed that school guns blazing if their wives were in there, mouthing off.
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If you’re making clones in Star Wars, they’re either an army of perfect soldiers or a lopsided wad of shit in a bathrobe that dies without ever fucking doing anything.
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READY PLAYER ONE 2
She leans in close, her breasts exactly like two Lolos from the Adventures of Lolo 3 on Nintendo Entertainment System. She whispers, "The cheese pizza from Home Alone 2."
My god. A reference even I don't know! And she senses it! Her vagina holes seal! No!
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Joe Rogan: I will flush this bag of cats down a toilet unless you agree maybe it’s good to be stupid and crazy.
Scientist: What.
Elon Musk: It appears, nyah nyah, that science hates cats. 🤣
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When you're obviously evil and trying to get someone fired for jokes, it's only because you're too cowardly to kidnap their family and hold them ransom until they make all the people in Star Wars white.
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I have a new column up on Cracked. It's a shallow dive into the world of Conservative comedy and you won't be surprised to learn it's worse than anything.
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This optimistic son of a bitch had two ideas on how to kill this skeleton and they were both choking.
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Sweet daughter, I wish you were old enough to understand why your shoes are all gone.
You see, a shoe company did something political so I burned your Nikes to support racism and police brutality. It was the least I could do.
Welp, almost out of characters. No time for reflecti
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If you’re a Stormtrooper in Star Wars your name is either Porp Betamax or Geoff 9.
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My country's most popular holiday has its own genre of film & an aisle in every store. For weeks we redecorate the entire country around it and now, thanks to my President, I'm allowed to say its name out loud.
So suck it, countries with laws as insane as the opposite of that.
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It's... I don't know, SUSPICIOUS how Donald Trump can see through every lie told by scientists, environmentalists, reporters, protesters, and sexual assault victims, but whenever a dictator tells him something he's like, "GUYS. THIS FAMOUSLY EVIL LIAR'S STORY SEEMS SOLID."
Just spoke to the King of Saudi Arabia who denies any knowledge of whatever may have happened “to our Saudi Arabian citizen.” He said that they are working closely with Turkey to find answer. I am immediately sending our Secretary of State to meet with King!
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Did Ted Cruz just challenge Ron Perlman to a fight with someone else's fists? Like where people can see him?
@tedcruz
, I bet your coward ass $80,000 I can make your jowels wiggle by texting your wife.
Listen Hellboy. You talk good game when you’ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I’ll bet $10k—to the nonpolitical charity of your choice—that you couldn’t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/
@Jim_Jordan
w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky?
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This isn’t so scary when you consider how an average person can still kick Ben Shapiro’s ass with 6 bullets in them.
Ben Shapiro warns that if politicians try to mandate LGBTQ 'indoctrination' at all schools, then he will "pick up a gun." Further adding "Beto O'Rourke does not get to raise my child. And if he tries, I will meet him at the door with a gun"
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The key to great comedy like this is to point out a fundamental truth like how everything is actually your fault, donkey, for not compromising with a deranged white supremacist death cult elephant.
Watch the First Presidential Debate, special coverage tonight starting at 7 p.m. ET
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Day 1: I’m a strawberry.
Day 2: Fuck you I’m mold you were a fool to trust me.
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.
@GovMikeHuckabee
Has anyone done "CNN now stands for Canine Noose Network because of the time Mike Huckabee's son killed that dog" yet?
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To all future obese Presidents who have gone 70 years without a fist fight: when you spend an hour of your day hairspraying your combover into place, the days of you fucking people up in gladiator battles are over.
Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault. He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe!
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I AM MAN ASSHOLE
I LOVE MY DISORDER RARE
MISPLACE BRAIN WORDS
DRINK MY WIFE MEAT
I EAT FAMILY AND
PROTECT TATTOOS
IF YOU MOVE I LIKE IT
SAGITARRIUS FORK LIFT
HELP SCARED PLEASE QUITE SERIOUS
SEE FOR NEXT SHIRT
RESCUE INSTRUCTIONS
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Every time I write an article about movies, hundreds of cranky idiots helpfully inform me about a popular film everyone has seen. This must be what it's like to be a woman writing about anything.
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In this McDonald's Monopoly scandal story, you can really feel the apprehension of the writer as they struggled with the decision to keep this obvious joke.
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These pieces of shit took an animal fighting poll and 28% of them said they'd lose to a rat? How? Like on points? It's a fight for survival, not rat Karate. You'd have to lay down and hold still while it chewed you for four days. That's harder than accidentally stepping on it.
What animals do Americans think they could beat in a fight? It doesn't look good for the human race...
🐀 72% could beat in a fight
🐈 69%
🦢 61%
🐕 (medium) 49%
🦅 30%
🐕 (large) 23%
🐒 17%
🐍 15%
🦘 14%
🐺 12%
🐊 9%
🦍 8%
🐘 8%
🦁 8%
🐻 6%
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When I’m showing awesome 80s movies to my daughter she’s going to genuinely be confused by how the cops are the good guys.
I cannot believe what I just witnessed. They pulled up onto the square with a police siren on and did this.
#Louisville
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People always forget that besides the spider powers, Peter Parker is also a super genius.
http://t.co/JUujG0srMH
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This is going to sound like a humblebrag, but one of the frustrating things about being a genius is that I’ve known those racist kids doing cruel things sucked this entire time.
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That weird little goblin who’s always going, “um, actually evil is GOOD, by the way?” has been wrong about every single thing for years, but today he became something remarkable: Dumber Than The Song “Imagine.”
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Has the President come up with any ideas on how we can stay safe against the violent terror group, Antifa?
Please. My Nazi children are tired of living in fear.
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My wife, a known witch, shot awake from a dream screaming, “The Democrats ate my dentist! Who gave them the right!?”
“Who indeed,” I said, though she was already beginning her transformation into a cat.
“Aiiee! Why does it always hurrrt!?” shrieked her cat mouth.
Why indeed.
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One of my favorite things in comics is when a "genius" character is written by someone who doesn't quite have a handle on what that means.
In this case, the genius reads poetry and knows the square root of a million. The square root of A FUCKING MILLION, you guys.
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I couldn't decide what to get my girlfriend for Christmas, so I just got her the standard gift of our family drawn into the cover of Streets of Rage 2 for Sega Genesis. ( By
@rusty_shackles
)
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I spent at least 37 articles at Cracked making fun of a romance advice author named Gregory Godek for his recurring tip of “heart shaped pizza.”
That uniquely insane thing is exactly what my daughter asked for for her 5th birthday.
So, Godek. Did you sleep with my wife in 2016?
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This motherfucker looks like a Dragon Warrior slime. He should worry less about his kids being gay and more about whether they’re going to kill his ass for 4 XP.
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That Iranian President is about to learn our country responds to foreign tyrants and their feeble threats by sending over our fat, stupid President for a weird handshake and several awkward pictures.
To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!
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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spins too much when she dances. I now support The Wall.
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In college, I was asked to attend an anti-Nazi rally and I laughed because I didn't think pro-Nazi was even a thing you could be. My bad.
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This is an email I just sent to the CFO of my company in its entirety.
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"Because of your interest in Kindergarten Cop 2" is probably the meanest thing Netflix, or anyone, has ever said to me.
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All of
@GovMikeHuckabee
's analogies are like a werewolf fucking a Ramadan ham on rollerskates.
@pattonoswalt
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You're watching a movie and one of the break dancers says, "We won! Now let's give all the youth center's money to the evil parking lot magnate!"
You're like, "Huh?"
Then most of the others... agree?
And you're like, "Oh, it's a GOP allegory. What a smart break dancing movie."
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I love how the reverence for the office of the President of the United States is finally gone and every news outlet has started talking about him like the stupid, crazy old man he is.
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I feel like growing up with renegade cop and breakdancing movies has given me an unfair advantage because now I can instantly tell when a billionaire defending a rapist is the bad guy.
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I've never owned a gun, so I've had to navigate life with nothing but a disarming charm and a front kick that can shatter an engine block. Maybe you're not as lucky, but I don't think we should have bullets flying around because you're an unlovable pussy.
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This Gene Autry comic had a sudden and unexpected twist.
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In the 1940s, anything in your house could have been Plastic Man.
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The truth of our nation is the bridge between dreams text_generator_error_10877E FATAL ERROR Education is Important but Tennis is Importanter Eat Sleep Tennis a Day Without Tennis Won't Kill Me (But Why Take the Chance) Your Tennis Lover's Text Here Novelty Mug
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You know when a demon takes over a human body and its pestilent evil starts to consume the flesh of its host?
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I made this in case you're ever feeling down.
It's what Scottie Pippen says to you when you finally prove you belong in Slam City from Slam City with Scottie Pippen.
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My mom complained that my nephew got a “Perfect Attendance” little league ribbon because “this generation” is coddled with “participation trophies.”
But talk is cheap. She has his phone number. If she wants change, she can call her grandson and tell him he sucks at baseball.
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So if I'm understanding our President, illegal Mexican immigrants are dropping their Muslim prayer rugs at the border while they're handcuffed in the back of the fastest, strongest cars driven by knife rape murderers. Holy shit when you say it all together it almost sounds crazy.
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You dorks. You sexless, pillow-embroidering cows. You traded your souls and dignity for this? This flapping ritual of panty-drying asthma?
Mockery is too good for what you've become. Curse you and your crimes against our way of life. Fuck the graves of your shamed ancestors.
Look out
#TeamPete
because us Bloomberg Heads have our own dance! Taken at the Mike Bloomberg rally in Beverly Hills.
#Bloomberg2020
#MovesLikeBloomberg
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Yesterday I tweeted how I wanted to loot a shitty Christmas tree from a dead Nazi and I didn’t get banned. It’s called CHARISMA, Mr. President. You fucking stupid piece of shit.
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When I was a kid, Presidents and Bad Dudes were natural allies. Sure, ninja crime was rampant, but we had each other.
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I didn’t think Animal Crossing: Tickle Best Friends was a horror game, but then this nightmare fuck dressed exactly like me started watching me fish.
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Where do I know this from? Maybe... hmmm... let me just add a couple things in Photoshop... and THERE.
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My daughter used to run like Kermit during a puppeteer assassination, but Frozen 2 has this scene where Elsa psyches herself up to sprint into the ocean. Now my kid has the sickest stride. Just powering through the house like fucking Carl Lewis setting up a long jump.
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One of the best things about secular communities is that when someone stands up and screams for all the witch babies to be destroyed by the superior blood of Jesus, everyone instantly recognizes them as a crazy person.
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@IwriteOK
@CombatCavScout
@jerseymikes
That potato-shaped son of a bitch doesn’t even have a blunt weapon in case the cashier is a skeleton.
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Civility as a hard rule is so provably stupid. The most fetally alcoholed of children can outsmart that system.
PERSON1: "die SJW bitch i kill you MAGA"
PERSON2: "Fuck off. No one should be like this."
"PERSON2, you have received a 12 hour ban for reports of abusive language."
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This is the Sistine Chapel of trying to seem tough but looking like a pussy.
I have just one message for Joe Biden and Beto O’Rourke, if you want to take everyone’s AR-15s, why don’t you swing by my office in Washington, D.C. and start with this one?
Come and take it.
#2A
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Fuck you, you stupid marshmallow man fuck. And the fucking piece of shit whose poorly formed wish spawned you. And the 68 million Americans too goddamn stupid to spot history’s dumbest Hitler.
I get that the media elites hate the president but realize that over 68 million Americans voted for him, in what has to be one of the closest contest in modern presidential history. While you gleefully celebrate his demise you are also insulting those who supported him.
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SO. What's new in the world? Yeah, I, uh... looked into this MICHELLE WOLF here? You know this chick? I, uh... call 'em like I see 'em and ol' Shelly's got more tangles of red hair than OPIE TAYLOR'S PLUMBING, okay?
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CONFIRMED: The characters in the next Kojima game are named Gunship Bathtub, Tango-AndcashMan, Nude Burger, Mama, and Final Mama. It’s a baby scrolling 5th person survival volleyball.
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Today in Comedy Writing History
28 years ago, Pauly Shore invented a way to say "buddy" only in a much longer way.
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Your apocalypse weapon is the last non-food item you bought combined with the main weapon from the last video game you played.
I’ll go first: Herbal penis reduction cream on my bare hands.
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This deranged fuck liked me better when I was into murder.
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The human brain is a nimble thing capable of limitless intentional stupidity in the name of political "discourse." Still, I hope stealing someone's kids and losing them is finally the thing we can all agree is wrong.
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If I thought there were actual people stupid enough to believe a lie this clumsy, I would be so concerned for them. Like, how do they get to work without help? Can they distinguish food from poop? Can you take a Trump supporter into a mall without a leash?
Time Magazine called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Man (Person) of the Year,” like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!
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Scientists can't explain how Steven Seagal's head can be perfectly described by any shape.
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Netflix superhero shows always have a scene where the hero tries on their comic book costume then turn to camera and shriek, “OH MY GOD NO WAY CAN YOU IMAGINE!?”
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I said outloud to my girlfriend, "How cool would it be if Fallout 76 was good?" Then these foxes lethally kissed.
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Assholes seem upset since Captain Marvel isn’t “for them,” but I’m sure there will be a character they identify with. Maybe a corrupt cop who calls Captain Marvel a menace or a news pundit who thinks it’s ignorant to just ASSUME the Skrulls are wrong?
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I just got this huge package delivered to me by accident to some asshole named “Tucker.” It’s documents proving some guy committed adultery and decades of tax fraud. Oh my god, here’s one where he praises white supremacists. And another. And another. Whoever this is is SCREWED.
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I was so happy about the Alabama senate race, I stayed up all night writing a pilot for THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF ROY MOORE.
It's an action show where Roy Moore plays himself and gets out of jams with his unique set of skills.
Coming mid-season to ABC Family. Here's a sample!
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I think the greatest lesson we can teach a generation of content creators is that we only give YouTube people non-YouTube attention after they do something truly psychotic or racist.
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I made a PC watch 200 hours of Applebee's commercials and wrote an algorithm to turn them into scripts complete with stage directions. It simulated reading those for 70K years and wrote its own. It somehow came out as a suspiciously well-crafted absurdist screenplay.
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The best part of raising a 4-year-old is how all their baby toys are running out of battery power and randomly moan demonic words and songs from every closet and storage container.
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Today's Cracked column is about how gun owners probably shouldn't be that, and if they disagree, fine, but they shouldn't be willfully stupid, lying assholes about it. I'm sure it will go well.
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Do you think there's a universe where you're not a coward? Like maybe there's a timeline where Donald Trump called you "Little Marco" and you just walked over and punched him in the face? Because I bet that universe's Marco Rubio is President.
Trump haters still haven’t realized how much they help him with their condescension of those who either voted for him or don’t share their hatred of him. And how much they help him with their irrational hostility towards those who work for him.
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It’s pretty fucked when a sarcastic Russian bot, whose only goal is destroying America, accidentally comes up with a more humane solution than our own government.
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When they make a movie about Great President Trump rescuing the world from COVID and Antifa, the climax will come when he picks up a glass
-WITH ONE HAND-
and lifts it to his mouth.
“Don’t... tell ME what can’t be done.”
Then he sips the water.
He sips the fucking water.
The degenerate left claimed President Trump had health issues after drinking water with 2 hands.
Today he drank with one and tossed the glass to the side! 🤣
GREATEST. PRESIDENT. EVER.
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I'm kind of worried these are going to be my last words too.
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Now that he’s been arrested for attacking a bus and injuring two fighters right before a pay-per-view, it occurs to me we shouldn’t have spent years rewarding Conor McGregor for psychopathic behavior.
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"Mom? It's Bre- BRETT. Turn down t-- OK, I-- sorry, I don't have a lot of t- no, it's OK, no pro... Mom, MOM! Do you still have my high school stuff? OK, can you see if there's a calendar that marked all the days I did and did not attempt rape? That's good news! You too, thanks!"
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These are the final thoughts of every single person who dies in Metropolis and in his heart SUPERMAN KNOWS IT.
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Don’t act like you’re too cool to have Hellcat in a kitty cat outfit fighting Thanos in a little Thanos helicopter. You’re the one making a show about comic books, nerd.
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