DRUG DEALER: You a cop? COP: Nah I ain't a cop DRUG DEALER: Then how come your dialogue in this tweet is labeled "cop"? COP: Ah fuck

I’m 32 and every few weeks I think about the time at lunch in middle school where Gary Hartman, apropos of nothing, said, “If you take out all the R’s from my name it spells Gay Hatman.”

[wine tasting in new orleans] ME (Cajun accent): I’m gettin’ hints of gator and…king cake?

[first date] HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage? ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015

[flirting in the year 1600] HER: so what type of music do you like? ME: all of it, there’s only like 8 songs

@BringDaNoyz the gritted through teeth complement is my favorite

[scooby doo] FRED: an abandoned amusement park, should we stop gang? SCOOBY: ruh roh DENNIS FARINA: there’s no goddamned seatbelts in this friggin’ van

RT @Sean_Becker: [thanksgiving dinner where Eddie Murphy is playing all of my family members] ME (sobbing): please just tell me what you d…

ROOMMATE: hey man did you go into my room and touch The Forbidden Ankh? ME (floating and covered in glowing hieroglyphics): …no?

[Hitler is using a Time Machine to come forward in time and kill me] HITLER (w/ gun): Prepare to die! ME (muttering): this isn’t how it’s supposed to work

me (drunk with a gun): fuck you, muppet yoda (also drunk with a gun): first rodeo, this ain’t my

(You need to know the Herman Melville story Bartleby the Scrivener and ESPN commentator Stephen A Smith for this joke)

ME: what’s that big wrench for? COLONEL MUSTARD: dinner party

I will just repost this with a country you don’t know from Formula 1 if you all keep this up

FYI telegrams cost $18 and if you want a longer message on a sympathy card you have to pay extra

GEORGE WASHINGTON (drunk): *hic* i can lie sometimes, baby

multiple members of Bruce Springsteen’s band have been replaced by their kids which sounds cool until you learn their families have 300 year blood contracts to be indentured servants to The Boss

[The cops are dragging me away after 9 hours of unlimited crab legs at the Baccanal Buffet at Caesar's Palace] ME (chewing): You know what these fuckers did to Amelia Earhart?