Sean McLoughlin
@SeanMcLoughlin
Followers
19,260
Following
969
Media
286
Statuses
5,564
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JENNIE FOR CHANEL
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Nigeria
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Happy New Month
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Iniesta
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#格付けチェック
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레이예스
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メガネの日
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対象作品
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#優しく強くアヌア
• 13017 Tweets
Christ. At least the Italians and the Greeks have decent food. We're going through all this with beans on fucking toast.
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Shrek 5 joke predictions:
A princess seen 'scrolling' but on an actual scroll
Shrek's crown melts which makes him look like Trump and is told he looks "even uglier than before"
Limp Squid Games reference (possibly 'Donkey Games?')
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Wait for the end. I'm in trouble. Still amazed they put this one on TV.
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Boris Johnson's actions DO have a precedent: 20 years ago my Dad wanted to go bowling but the rest of the family wanted to stay at home and watch TV. My Dad shut off the power in the house to force us to go along with him. In the end we drove to the bowling alley and it was shut.
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Gareth Southgate was handed the most talented crop of players and all he could manage was the best tournament results the side has had in 50 years and becoming a national icon and making the entire country like the England football team again.
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Yo
@British_Airways
I'm on a plane at Heathrow with no way of getting off. We've been here for over an hour. Just wondering when I'm legally allowed to start masturbating?
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Told my wife her Valentine's gift was in the bedroom but she will have to "look hard" thinking she'd know I was playing. It's been 45 minutes and she's taken the room apart. There's no gift. What the hell am I going to do.
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One of Shrek's kids now spends his days watching a different kid play chess through a portal or something.
Gingerbread Man meets other Gingerbread people made with oat milk
Donkey gets his wife tattooed on him (a dragon)
"Get my donkey's name out of your mouth" will happen
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What part of "Two World Wars and one World Cup" does this virus not understand
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Three Little Pigs are now vegan
A new/rival monarch wants to "Drain the swamp!"
Fiona sings a song as she looks for 'Wet Ass Potion'
"I identify as an ogre"
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An Amazon-esque company exists (Camazon?) Fiona casts spells with it to order things brought to them by exhausted elves.
King Arthur's round table becomes the buffering circle
"Podcast a spell"
A virus that may have occured from someone eating Dracula in bat form
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Hotel cleaner just walked in on me butt naked eating biscuit crumbs from the floor.
The worst moment of my life without exception.
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Cameo has really exposed the horrors of the British rail system.
Like there's no way a train ticket from London to Liverpool should be DOUBLE the price of a personalised message of condolence from Hulk Hogan.
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The Superbowl is tonight and I can no longer maintain my silence about British NFL fans...
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Well I just found out my foreign wife thought Peaky Blinders was set in 80s Britain. We've just finished watching the second season.
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Just been diagnosed positive with, get this, Covid SIXTEEN. So embarrassing.
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It's just sickening. While these Tories were having illegal parties I was alone in my flat away from my family and having without doubt the best Christmas of my life.
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Just heard that Elton John's special guest is the entire 1981 Watford FC squad and they're all going to sing Vindaloo for two hours.
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People who think Britain can cope with a no deal Brexit should know I'm on a train that's been broken down for 20 minutes and we've already eaten the conductor and fucked his shoes.
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Oh no Britney has immediately got her head stuck in some bannisters
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Ultimate reveal: Will Smith and Chris Rock are both cake
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Me and my wife's wedding cake was literally us as Shrek and Donkey so you better believe I'm mad about that Guardian article.
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Right we need to pick ONE video chat app to use and stick to it because so far today I've had to chat with people on Whatsapp, Zoom, Houseparty, Google Hangouts, Clip-Clop, Bangerwallen, Konklington, Pingu's Pride, Hugh, Pugh, Barney Mcgrew, Tongue, Tonngue and Konklington Plus.
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To the drunk middle-aged couple currently having sex on the GWR train from Swindon to London: I don't like you but my God do I respect you
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Hi
@British_Airways
your pilot just interrupted a kickabout a few of us were having? He confiscated my ball and said we were acting like 'plebs'. What is this, North Korea?
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You're telling me that tomorrow there's going to be massive Brexit fallout and the release of a Madeleine McCann documentary AND a megastorm? Did the editor of the Daily Express find a genie or something?
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Anyone else worried that Cummings is about to reveal that he's Banksy?
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Just when I think this hangover can't get any worse I go and order Domino's to my Mum's old house.
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Was offered a role in a feature film. A teenage sex comedy set in a tech firm. Silly money. First class flights and 'extensive wining and dining.' At the 11th hour we double checked that they knew I wasn't the YouTube gamer who is my namesake. Just received the following email:
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Crazy to think I've just had my 7th last wank as a EU citizen
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So you're telling me it's fine for my child to visit Thorpe Park or go camping but it's somehow NOT fine for me to make love to a horse?
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Ultimately we need the virus under control by Christmas because Santa is the most high-risk superspreader imaginable
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Imagine if they're all leaving to join a Mega Super League without Spurs
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Hey
@VirginTrains
my seat to Birmingham is booked by more than one person. Is the idea that we sit on each other's lap? Or is the hope that one of us decides to leave the train and that's the REAL test?
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One in eight men (12%) say they can write a solid chapter of Pride & Prejudice
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Need this exit poll so fucking bad. Tell John Curtice I'll do fucking ANYTHING for a taste. Tell me how Greens did in Carmarthen. Wink if Lib Dems are alive in Keighley. Jesus you can just make up a constituency and tell me who came fucking fourth I'm dying over here.
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Massive respect to Liz Truss for inventing what can only be described as 1-D Chess
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So I bought some eggs.
As I lifted the eggs off the shelf another box fell off and the eggs smashed on the floor. I went to alert a staff member but then a kid slipped on the eggs. Kid starts crying. At this point I notice my fly was open.
See you all in Hell.
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Here's a clip about how I think the Bible is a work of art. It's from my show 'Hail Mary' which you can watch on Youtube.
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I was given the finest ingredients and all I could manage was a nutritious and delicious meal that fed my whole town and brought my family together and provided a sense of community to a splintered nation. Pathetic. Get Harry in.
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Look it's not hard to understand: Three days ago you were able to go to a football match and now if you even look at your Mum the country will collapse.
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Scrooge can't be that good at business if his main accountant is a frog.
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You've got to respect the Bond franchise for enduring after releasing a film called Octopussy. Like if the next Jurassic Park sequel was called 'Vaginasaurus' you wouldn't think this was a series whose best years are ahead of it.
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The guy that hits the propeller at the end of Titanic
Is there a character in a book or film or TV show that made you go "WOW, THAT IS ME?" I wanna hear about a time you truly felt represented in media.
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And now after 30 years the total number of wanks I've had since Liverpool won the league goes down to three
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@VirginTrains
Please don't twist the knife with impotent chat of 'forms.' For too long I believed your talk of justice and recompense whilst blind to your intentions: You longed to break the spirit of Sean McLoughlin. Now you have. Ahab has caught his whale. From Hell's heart I stab at thee.
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So last night I opened for the magnificent
@billburr
at the Royal Albert Hall. Quite a thing to play the greatest venue on Earth. In 20 years when I'm working on a leech farm I'll tell people I did this and nobody will believe me.
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Last night I asked the promoter of the gig when I was on, he said "You're on first. Then after the break is Sean McLoughlin."
#career
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I wish I was joking but I'm at a music festival and have genuinely just been woken up by a 19 year old shouting "Lads, which podcast shall we listen to?"
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I have only recently eaten Nutella for the first time. If I'd discovered it as a teen I would be dead.
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Nightmare. I FINALLY witness a crime in a bakery so I can proclaim "the proof is in the pudding." Police arrive at the scene, I panic and say "you do the math"
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Your children are ugly and have no right to be in this pub
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All you wankers saying she probably didn't like it either are missing the point. This is MY twitter feed. Go follow her if you love her so much ffs
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If you haven't registered for the election by now you're likely a moron so don't bother. You'll probably do something really dumb at the polling booth like ask for a cheese pizza and then your trousers will fall down and you'll spill beans on all the pencils.
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It seems that after my lovely online gig on Saturday my microphone was still on and some of the audience heard my wife enter the room and tell me I was good but my lack of confidence makes me look like a total noob.
I am thus retiring from showbusiness effective immediately.
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England fans are lunatics. We're a good team who played badly against a fierce rival. It happens. Still really like the manager and players. Hopefully they win on Tuesday and if not I'll just shrug, make an effigy of Declan Rice and burn it outside his parent's home. Simple.
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Some people saying an account claiming to be me is trying to sell them Ray Bans. Just to be clear I have genuinely acquired a large amount of Ray Bans and I want to sell them to you for a great price.
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I am fucking hungover and I’m going to Winter fucking Wonderland in Hyde Park and it doesn’t get any fucking worse than this. Life is fucking shit and we all know it.
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The producers called me up with one simple request: Save the show.
Find out if I was successful tonight at 10pm on BBC 2.
We're on
#BBC2
at 10pm. Catch us while you can. Dara and Hugh are joined by
@TheNewsAtGlenn
@AngelaBarnes
@MrEdByrne
@JenBrister
and making his debut
@SeanMcLoughlin
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Out of respect I will not be performing comedy for the next few nights.
Please note my gigs are still all going ahead.
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I quote Sean Lock more than anyone else. One of the best comedians ever and a huge inspiration to so many of us.
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My Desert Island Discs will all be love songs by Barry White. My luxury item will be infinite viagra. My book will be a guide to fucking tropical turtles.
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Thanks for the nice comments about Live At The Apollo.
The badge I wore was for brilliant comedian and hugely missed friend Phil Jerrod. He had Sarcoma and passed away in 2021, and if you want to read about him and donate to the cause use the link below.
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I love
@CamdenComedy
but if they don't take this picture down I will be forced to torch the place to the ground.
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Last week at
@topsecretcomedy
I was tired and just wanted to do a normal set but a guy in the audience called Ted had other ideas.
Couldn't pick out a short clip so the entire 11-minute ordeal is here:
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Just been told to stop chanting"It's Coming Home" while I queue for my booster jab.
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Phil Jerrod was a wonderful comedian and a dear friend. I actually MC'd his first ever gig and over the years we played many great/shit shows together. Spectacularly talented, cool and probably the nicest person in the business. We should all aim to be more like him.
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My wife is bedridden with covid so I'm doing all the cooking and cleaning and somehow there's a god damn squirrel loose in the bathroom. I think she knows something is up because I keep shouting "Oh fuck" and "Jesus where have you got to now?" Also I burned the stroganoff. FML.
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Sure writing is difficult but there's still no greater pleasure than looking over your day's work and seeing four of the six words are spelled correctly
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October 2020. The Pandemic is over.
It's Friday night. The comedy club is rammed with hundreds of people feeling pure joy at the possibilities of life once again.
The MC calls my name. I'm home...
I go onstage, misread the room and totally flatline for twenty fucking minutes.
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If you think Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent is bad you should hear me talking to a taxi driver
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Wife just legitimately suggested I get a paper round
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Hey everyone.
Guess what? I'm on Live At The Apollo tonight with the brilliant
@GeoffNorcott
and Michelle De Swarte.
BBC Two. 9.45pm.
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I'm at Thorpe Park so hadn't seen this reaction til now. Come and see me on tour everyone!
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I can't keep it bottled up anymore:
I bit the bat. I was at a wet food market in Wuhan and I saw a wet bat and I ate it. I am patient zero for Covid-19. This whole pandemic thing is happening because I love wet foods and bat in particular. I bit that bat and I'd do it again.
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@lightning_av
@rickygervais
Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed it mate. Sign up to my mailing list if you want advance tour tickets!
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Got three football-based Whatsapp groups on the go. Stealing good points made in one and passing them off as my own in the others. Living my greatest life.
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I want to be as attractive in real life as I am in train window reflections
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Anyone know where I can get a 'happy ending' vaccination?
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