Gabby Hutchinson Crouch
@Scriblit
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Comedy writer (News Quiz, Horrible Histories & more), author (Darkwood, The Rooks, Cursed).🐝 with the ☕
UK
Joined February 2009
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Books! Books for sale!
DARKWOOD - Female led family friendly comedy fantasy trilogy with reworked fairy tales, anti-authoritarianism, witches & a spider in a hat!
Also, THE ROOKS - Supernatural comedy about a family of ghost hunters at a haunted seaside!
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Incredible news from my son's school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
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"Uniforms are good because they remove markers between the haves and the have nots."
A week later
"We are ritually humiliating your child for having the £10 version of the exact same skirt our sole official suppliers want to charge £40 for"
Holderness Academy has defended placing a child in isolation for wearing the supermarket version, insisting parents were made aware of the policy in June.
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@FrizFrizzle
I bet she looks fantastic & if people make fun of her at a wedding instead of just enjoying a fun wedding then it's a them problem.
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He was a punk
She did ballet
Their next jobs could be in cyber
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Schitts Creek
What’s an example of nepotism that you’re actually a fan of?
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Why call them Capybaras when Guinea Bigs is right there?
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"Did you get that picture of Liz Truss?"
"Yeah. Real fuckin scared of her own handbag, just like you asked."
She was appointed by a hereditary monarch without recourse to a general election.
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Just gave my name in Starbucks, and the (witch) barista called out 'now we own your name, your soul belongs to us unless you win back your name by performing 12 impossible tasks'. The entire cafe cried out 'foolish mortal, to give your name to the coffee witch'
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Normals: we wish Kate well as she receives cancer treatment
The Telegraph: KATE AND THE KING HAVE WON AT CANCER DUE TO THEIR GOD GIVEN SPECIALNESS. EVERYONE ELSE GETTING CANCER TREATMENT IS A HORRID LAZY SCUMBAG
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Very cool very cool, we've reached 'privatised basic utilities going "we could save SO much money if we simply stopped providing our basic utility"' stage of infrastructural collapse
Royal Mail could save £650m by switching to three-day-a week service, says Ofcom
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ON WHAT CHARGE? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal??
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Every week British Mid Left Twitter is all 'why can't we protest properly like the French, WHY AREN'T WE RIOTING' & then a little old lady protests the ending of life on earth by throwing confetti WITHOUT PERMISSION & all these Hyacinth Buckets get the fucking vapours
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IDS: we need to get disabled people working
Society: *starts making WFH much more of a norm, thus making loads of jobs much more accessible*
IDS: NO NOT LIKE THAT, I MEANT SOMETHING CRUEL AND PUNISHMENT BASED
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HOT TOWN
SUMMER IN THE CITY
HERE IS SOME ADVICE FROM PROFESSOR CHRIS WHITTY
The Met Office has issued an extreme heat warning for next week. Please remember the signs of heat exhaustion and heatstroke especially for older and medically vulnerable people. Early intervention to cool people down and rehydrate them can be lifesaving.
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I see all the people who spent a week telling us it's admirable to break the rules if you're a parent with a second home are now very concerned about breaking the rules if you're appalled by systematic racism & police brutality
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If the menu has the price printed as '12.5' instead of £12.50, you know you're getting like 6 chips with your scampi and a smear of peas
hate to say this but getting food at a pub is no good anymore. tiny burgers in brioche buns with an unreliable amount of chips will be £20 soon and it's that or "small plates" which is like nine pounds for three prawns
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Just seen someone tell the official Terry Pratchett account not to politicise Terry Pratchett.
Not to politicise. Terry Pratchett.
Terry Pratchett. NOT POLITICISE.
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Krishnan was suspended over correctly describing Steve Baker on a hot mic for longer than Suella was over a security breach in one of the most powerful jobs in the country
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Benoit Blanc voice: Youah PIZZUH, suh. Your pizzah PROVED you were in that there Romainyuh at the verrah tahm in question!
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TBF, arresting members of the public for having rape alarms might be the most Peak Met they did since arresting women for laying flowers to commemorate the woman raped and murdered by the colleague they covered for
They were arrested for being in possession of… rape alarms. They hand them out to women.
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Been a big summer for headlines that go "Father of 3 jailed for 5 years for blobbing tongue out at policeman" & then 3 paragraphs down its mentioned that he did this while setting fire to a corner shop with a family inside, and was on parole after convictions for GBH & noncing
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@gracepetrie
Just spacegals bein spacepals, just boldly going into a very close friendship
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M Y C R A B I N M O I S T C R A C K
him: you better not be a crab in a moist crack when i get there
me:
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Chasing after her with several hundred chunks of cheese & pineapple
Anya Taylor-Joy at the FURIOSA
premiere in Sydney, Australia.
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ME, SOBBING: Please, Emily, you can't give all your 100 characters the same 4 names
EMILY BRONTE: *points* That's Earnshaw Linton. *points* That's Cathy Heathcliff. *points* Heathcliff Linton. *points* Cathy Cathy. *points* Earnshaw Cathy Jr. *pause* And they're all GHOSTS.
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry's done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
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If you're one of the teens who tricked Trumpo into thinking people were coming to his party, and got farage to break the travel ban & fly over to entertain an outside crowd that simply wasn't there, you help yourself to a few triangles of your dad's toblerone today.
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Tories: We're going to feed all under 25yos into a mincing machine & stuff 70s pillows with the mince
Labour: *calling security on every Left Wing Black & Asian woman they can see*
Reform: *constantly on telly*
Greens: *never on telly*
Lib Dems: Wheeeee, I'm on a slide
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Call the Bondulance
Seems to never young Prime Minister trained on my computers.
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Gonna be another tense Eurovision this year, then.
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I remain adamant that instead of a Willy Wonka origin story we should have a sequel where an adult Verruca forms an uneasy alliance with the other 3 traumatised factory survivors to go back, to try to take it down & save the Oompa Loompas & a brainwashed Charlie.
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When your mum asks you to make an effort with her new boyfriend and go to pub lunch with them both and then she goes off to the toilet for 10 minutes
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"Eat fast food or you'll kill the economy but don't eat fast food or you'll kill the NHS but go to the pub if you don't hate Britain but don't go to the pub because you're fat but remember it's on you to stop the spread but stop working from home lazybones"
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@SmoothDunk
Me, a normal person, playing 21st Century War Simulator: Haha yes, relaxing apolitical fun
Me when a game has the option in create mode to make a character who isn't a rough tough straight white fella with stubble: WHY MUST YOU POLITICISE EVERYTHING, GAMES????
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@MittenDAmour
Ohhhhh the way we all just KNOW that Waitress Smile (walking the coldly polite tightrope between Being A Bitch TM & Giving Them Ideas TM) & means of getting away as fast as possible while de-escallating. My 'yes yes that's a VERY good idea for a sitcom, no I won't write it' face
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This is important context just on its own but the OP's replies to the first two fash whataboutery comments are INCREDIBLE
This is Joe 'Jeff' Marsh, the Welsh Neo-Nazi who disgracefully exploited a terrible tragedy to call for a far-right rally in Southport tonight. He is a convicted criminal with a history of violence. No connections to the area and calls himself a 'white nationalist.'
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A POLICY??? AN ACTUAL POLICY?? DARE WE DREAM???
Thursday’s
@guardian
front page: Labour pledges to nationalise rail network within five years
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I see Priti Patel's looking like she just got another woman kicked out of the parish cake competition through a malicious whispering campaign again.
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Oh, NOW she knows what channel 4 is
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Netflix: Hey do you want to want to see this stylish sci fi?
Me: Oh, yes please. Wait, this isn't the whole story at all.
Netflix: Nah, it's just S1, it leaves LOADS of threads unresolved to pull you back for later series!
Me: When can I see the later series?
Netflix: never
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Amber warning for extreme heat for Sunday which means only one thing: this will be the weekend they're filming chocolate week for bake off.
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"but why ARE more people identifying as bi & trans now???!?"
*Laughs in 'spent my entire youth under Section 28'*
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The world is so fucked, SO FUCKED, but I can't stop laughing at that footage of Cummings pegging it out of no 10 like a goblin trying to find shelter before sunrise
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Me, pitching Animaniacs: So the main three break down into typical sibling tropes - there's the smart leader older brother, the cute but aggressive younger sister, and then the middle child who-
Exec, cutting me off: Talks like Ringo?
Me: Talks like Ringo, exactly.
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Look, at least now we've seen Zelensky, it means nobody else can declare themselves to be the World's Bravest Comedian just because they're RW enough to do That One Helicopter Joke.
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I have sunk
The yacht
That was in
The med
And which you
Were probably
Hoping
To have a nice millionaire holiday on
Forgive me
I am an Orca
So splishy
And so splashy
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ON WHAT CHARGE??? 34 crimes? 34 succulent crimes???
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Hi, Prime Minister Expert here. I know the 'push up' looks cute, but they actually only do that when they're distressed, extremely tired or bewildered about tasks beyond their capabilities. That Prime Minister needs to be released into the wild, for its own wellbeing 😞
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@HouseofCommons
@HoCpetitions
Nothing says 'pride month's over' more than the official HoC account immediately suggesting that conversion therapy is up for debate & maybe a petition would help
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When is the Viscount Community going to do something about its problem with violent radicalisation?
Rhodri Philipps, 4th Viscount St Davids, jailed for 12 weeks for offering cash on Facebook for someone to kill Brexit campaigner Gina Miller
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I see we've got to the 'actually, ingesting chlorine is good for you' stage of brexit.
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🎶 the vengabus is coming
You hear the distant humming
You stink of sweat & fear
The vengabus draws near
Its chase won't be abated
Until its thirst is sated
Don't stop to look behind you
The vengabus will find you 🎶
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The year is 2037. PM Johnson is caught on camera eating a Chelsea Pensioner whole, like a snake. 3 backbenchers say he's on his last chance and then the entire gvt & 4 national newspapers tell us Boz burped an apology so we should all just ruddy well move on.
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The residents of Sherwood Center Parcs Pine Lodge 562 raiding the Outdoor Sports Centre & becoming Anti Monarchist Anarcho-Communists exactly 40 minutes after being left to fend for themselves
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Why, it's almost as if the political media class is a tiny incestuous clique who only ever speak to one another & are completely out of touch with the actual public. Arranging culture war deckchairs instead of tackling the icebergs of cost of living, NHS & climate crisis.
Should schools teach about gender identity?
The government says they shouldn’t, but 60-61% of people say sex education should teach that people can be transgender or non-binary (including 66-67% of parents)
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Guys, the mainstream silence on 'Martin Branning' isn't because the UK Media circles the wagons to protect one of their own, it's just that it's not a proper story with loads of evidence like, say, people reckoning there's a school where a kid identifies as a cat
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Grumpy Oompa Loompa is relatable af as a meme, but big love to Kirsty and the other poor actors who were just trying to do some graft in this awful gig economy (last I heard, none have been paid by the AI-loving shitehawks who scammed everyone)
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I see Prince George is still being dressed like the ghost of a boy who died in the Blitz.
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Twitter all 'oh ho ho, the HEADLINES there'll be' when I reckon there's still like a 50% chance the headlines in a lot of tomorrow's papers will be 'Carrie's Lovely Dream Fairytale Wedding Dilemma: Should The Doggie Be Ringbearer In A Likkle Ikkle Bow Tie'
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*leans into mic* this country should not be governed by & on behalf of people who deliberately go away to beach holidays for 35º+ temperatures & therefore reckon This Is Fine. This is why I propose a Goth Government
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2020, drunk on its own power, pulling headline components out of a tombola.
'Westminster... declares war on... Manchester.'
'Lee Mack... Woodworking contest...' it spins the Wheel of Mystery '...Nazi face tattoos'
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Lots of British women using yesterday's historic win to talk about how shit PE was for us and honestly I'm here for it, it was EXTREMELY shit
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I hate to bring it up in this difficult time for phobic nationalists, but the dragon in the Welsh flag is also bisexual.
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Blade Runner was set in 2019, 4 years from now. This isn't an outtake from the movie — it's a cat with a bean bag.
http://t.co/VhjvxkdqFW
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Going to boarding school is suddenly going to count as national service
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Coke dealers near the cenotaph must be making an absolute packet this morning
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Hi, welcome to the archipelago where due to political decisions disease is rife, the shops never have any veg, the waterways are full of raw sewage & nobody can afford housing, heating or food. This week the press are breathlessly profiling an incredibly racist pub.
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@NadineDorries
My son couldn't have a primary school leaving party with his bubble of classmates, Nadine, and he's literally a child. He was bummed out, but stoic because he saw it as for the greater good. Literally a child.
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If I did not want a dead man's twitter account to speak out against my ideology, I simply would not try to co-opt said dead man into said ideology, when cursory reading of his work strongly suggests he would be against that ideology.
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@JonnElledge
Imagine being a Dutch kid, going to Spain to meet Santa & everyone ther's all 'nah amigo, try Iran'
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He liked the Queen
She liked the Queen
Could it be any more obvious?
HE WAS A QUEING BOY
SHE SAID 'WATCHA DOING BOY?'
AND THEN THEY QUEUED ENOUGH FOR HER
THEY DID A SOLEMN GRIEVE
AFTER A SHORT REPRIEVE
THEY'LL WATCH THAT QUEEN PUT IN THE EARTH
"We met at 10:30pm last night and we've been together throughout the whole thing."
Jack and Zoe, two strangers who met in the queue to see the Queen lying in state, tell
@MinnieStephC4
they're now planning to watch the Queen's funeral together on Monday.
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Business Proposal: Notflix - streaming service that just buys up shows canned for no reason by Netflix, AFTER they've gained an audience, and lets them finish the FUCKING STORY
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🎶It's beginning to smell a lot like section 28
Eeeeeverywhere you gooooo🎶
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@mrdavidwhitley
Dude, everyone likes to feel useful. Everyone likes to feel clever. 'Mansplaining' is when a dude assumes a lady needs her own experience/expertise/meaning told to her. It's the suggestion that he automatically understands everything better than her & it's irritating af.
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RTD will not stop until he's given every fictional woman in the universe a David Tennant to take home and keep
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I'm seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What's she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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Panic! In The Tearoom
Another Tory source: panic in the tea room. Nobody was expecting this. “Everyone mortified,” the source told me
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I know we're doing silly versions of that 'post the same actor in 2 roles to show range' thing but every time I post that these are the same guy I get at least one person who's seen all of Ghosts go '...WHAT??'
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GUYS, IMPLYING THAT SICK PARENTS WHO DIDN'T BREAK LOCKDOWN AREN'T LOVING ENOUGH ISN'T WORKING, HAVE WE TRIED IMPLYING THAT ALL THE PEOPLE GRIEVING ALONE AREN'T LOVING ENOUGH INSTEAD??
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'why did you shit yourself in the middle of Aldi?'
*Sad face*
That's a very reasonable question and I understand the anger from people who read in the media that I shat myself in Aldi but I acted reasonably as I needed a shit at the time, & I don't believe an apology is necessary
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Toby Young regulating universities. Fuck me, we're living in the opposite of a meritocracy. A posh thick potato apocalypse.
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