Ashley Schaffer
@SchafferBMW
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Look at the breakfast, now look at me, Now ask yourself if you think I give a fuck about the happenings of the Middle East.
I think about three things everyday. Eating baby chickens. Who the Jags are gonna take in the 1st rd. And Dua Lipa.
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She Jerkin on my Turkey and it’s Jamaican me crazy 🤣
I am not feeling fulfilled in my life
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Will be sending this out to many of the local tavern wenches
These old texts from my baby daddy back in 2020 😂😂😂
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@acunatitties
My thoughts include but are not limited to:
Wowza
Holy guacamole
Hubba hubba
*antique car horn noise*
Golly gee whiz
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“Pat McAffe is so good on college game day bro. He’s such a good change of pace and so funny”
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Freshly seasoned cast iron being a cunt or whatever you young women are saying when you like your outfit
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Got a # from a real, alive woman at the bar last night✅
Coffee✅
Liquid IV✅
Texted GFP good morning✅
Map based strategy game✅
Haters are in the gutters after seeing all these W’s
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Some of my candidates for coolest dude of all time:
-Harrison Ford as Han Solo
-Matthew McConaughey
-Dean Martin
-Morgan Freeman
-Daniel Craig as Bond
-My stepdad Kevin
-Idris Elba
-Entire Ocean’s 11 cast
-RDJ
-Evel Knievel
-Alexander the Great
-Ken Griffey Jr.
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@MaxHomasexual
Showing off your girlfriend’s boobies to a bunch of strangers on the internet is actually insane
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Me if spilling a little water down my chest while drinking was illegal
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Good morning to everyone except:
-Guys who wear the hats with the upside down wording
-the CEO of BlackRock
-my ex gf from 4th grade
-Anyone associated with the state of Colorado
-My cousin Taylor (you know what you did)
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My uncle has a morbidly obese chocolate lab named JD which stands for Jeff’s Dog
Probably one of my favorite things ever
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@yalltitanup
Titans have yet to beat TLaw with a competent HC.
It must pain you to see your three biggest rivals all competing playoff spots
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The equivalent of Kiper’s Big Board, it’s Schaffer’s top 19 shows of all time
*****only includes shows that I have finished completely. Recommendations on what to watch next are welcomed
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@KayceSmith
@UnnecRoughness
Kayce let me take you on a breathtaking date to red lobster and we can discuss this whole deal over some mango Mai Tai’s
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I got her callin me Ohio State because I start on top and finish second 😮💨
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Oppsgiving invite list:
-That dude in gluten free perc’s post
-Fake Ashley Schaffer
-My bookie
-Arthur Smith
-Every single Florida football player
-La Croix drinkers
-Larry Fink
-My HS football offensive coordinator
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The dentist said i have nice teeth + the hygienist pushed her boob against my shoulder while she was cleaning so yeah. It’s gonna be a Good Friday
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I’m sick and tired of this. Putting up Christmas lights. Putting up Christmas trees. Mariah Carey this and that.
QUIT SLEEPIN ON THANKSGIVING—-
Thursday morning hunt - BANG
Unreal spread for lunch - BANG
NFL and college on - BANG
Fadeaway on my little cousins head- BANG
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Boss talking about a lucky guy today said “buddy could fall in a bucket of dicks and come up sucking titties” what a line
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Felt like I had to go into hiding for several days because of the
#burnercheatingscandal
This has been like being a normal dude with the name Adolf in the ‘40’s
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Feeling a little under the weather. Need a borderline insane blonde woman to bring me food and comfort.
Mayhaps some top?
Time will tell.
Ladies DM me
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@bigcontentguy
Don’t follow you and never saw this? Didn’t know I was talking to Mr. Internet owner himself
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LET IT BE KNOWN. I AM ACTUALLY IN MYRTLE BEACH DURING BIKER WEEK.
ITS NO LONGER A TWITTER PERSONA
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Thinking about the life of an orc in lord of the rings
-4 day lifespan
-2 days of slave labor
-2 days of marching
-killed by a trickshotting elf from 200 yards away 5 minutes into the battle
-he uses you as a statistic for his competition with a dwarf
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Me when my little sister (monster Swiftie) starts talking about how Kelce only has a 60.5 RBLK Grade on PFF which is 25/67 among qualifying TE’s and how he’s far more valuable in the slot rather than inline in 12/13 personnel
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Adding a little metal to the nipple top because I miss her 😞
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Can you imagine knocking down 9-15 peach State lites and being handed the keys to this bad boy
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@rainy_steve
@3YearLetterman
Any argument for UGA making the playoff that includes anything before this season is invalid. ‘21 and ‘22 don’t mean shit for ‘23
We had a play in game and we lost. Fair and square
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Starting a list of underused insults feel free to add
•Limp wristed
•you got soft hands brother
•dweeb
•mouth breather
•Benedict Arnold
•coward
•twat
•cum dumpster
•douche canoe
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Look at this picture of a gator watching a rocket launch. Goes insanely hard. Might be my new header
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I have returned from my vision quest in the mountains.
It was sensational to completely unplug and do some soul searching. What I found out is that micro-dosing shrooms and skipping rocks in the river is so sick
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Drinking whole bottle and cooking duck. Do not care if y’all mind, happening regardless
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Fellas -
Had a shitty week (don’t worry it will be handled with 16-37 Modelos on Saturday)
Drop memes, nature pics, other cool things below to stir up some positivity
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February may be black history month but March belongs to lanky white dudes on a 10-16 seed team
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Sunday progress report:
Drive back from Savannah ✅
Hot shower (shampoo +conditioner) ✅
Shaved my nutsack ✅
Golf on the TV ✅
Penjamin blinker ✅
Few quick games of online chess ✅
Still to do:
Duolingo ⭕️
Laundry⭕️
Talk to a woman ⭕️
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@chasen_baggs
Holy cow man all that by yourself? That’s a lot to handle. Some would even say that’s too big of a joint and it would hurt.
Ladies DM me
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I set myself this reminder last night whilst violently high so make of that what you will
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No 😂😂 freakin way! 🤣🤣🤣😁 I’m about to jump 🤣 straight over to gameday 😂😂. I gotta see this! 🤣🤣🤣
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Dom from Entourage T10 most unlikeable TV characters of all time
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What’s yo name
G-REG 🗣️
Whatchu do
GET HEAD 🗣️
DROP MY DRAWERS AND LET ER SEE MY THIRD LEG 🗣️
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Submarine Squad
Emilia Clarke
Margot Robbie (in character as Harley)
Dua Lipa
Red Ranger
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Modelo. Citrus ZYN. Adele on the speaker. PGA 2k21. Let’s have a Thursday evening
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Didn’t even ask for extra sauce and look at the stockpile they gave me
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APPARENTLY it’s “frowned upon” and “grounds for removal” to have many beer and say the fire of the hibachi table reminds you of Hiroshima at your nephew’s 6th birthday
I’m sorry I thought this was America
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You know what’s so ugly 😂? Girls in turtlenecks. I’d be sooooooo mad if the burner ladies dropped turtleneck pics 😂👿. You BETTER NOT DROP TURTLENECK PICS
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More things the liberal mind cannot comprehend:
Peaches 2 Beaches
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Will be approving/ shitting on state outlines w no further context now
Starting with North Carolina. Yes, great shape 8.3/10
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Ashley made a purchase today.
Fought the urge to tell the guy at Bass Pro to hurry up because the person I’m buying it for gets out of school at 3
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Absolutely unreal bev run from the kid. Insane showing in the bev store.
Biggest “In my bag” performances of all time:
-Jeremy Lin in February of 2012
-Russia defending their country in the winter
-Kirby Smart against ranked opponents
-Me on the bev run
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Don’t know who needs to hear this but clean up your living room from last night and light a candle. Makes the Sunday rot immeasurably better
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Shiv Roy MERCY SAKES ALIVE YOU NEED A MF’N CDL TO BE HAULING THAT THING AROUND
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Solving the Flint Michigan water crisis today and telling NO ONE
-Schaffer
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Sorry for throwing up and ruining your family brunch. I’m just taking this trump news pretty hard
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What your dream 3 car garage? I'll go first...
Ford Raptor Gen 2+
McLaren 600LT
AC Cobra
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Yep I can already tell the Libtards are gonna fucking hate this
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Trying to get a little something going with the mustache for the first time. Only grows on the sides but not the middle.
Call that the reverse Hitler.
Jewish queens, my DM’s remain open.
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Inviting the grimiest dirtiest tavern wench over for afters and playing my battlefield 5 clips on the big Tv.
Y’all think that’ll get me some noogie?
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I’m adding to the top ten train here’s what Ashley has to say
UGA blackout vs. Auburn
When she play wit da balls
Diet Coke
Keanu Reeves
Minecraft
Hearing leaves crunch and it’s actually a deer not a squirrel
My grandma Kathy
Bullseye in darts
Lord of the rings
Modelo
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Took a burner hiatus but I’ll try to summarize my last month for y’all:
-Saw midget wrestling with my boss
-Smoked a joint with guys from Missouri
-Excited for turkey season
-Destabilized a third world nation
-Cast out a demon in the name of the Lord
-Got chess ELO to over 500
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Otw to the Perry fair for fried snickers and turkey legs
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In car with friend - reach down between console and seat - buddy has this thing just on deck
I am so about to get my peanits jorked
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There is much pain in da world.. but there is none here 2day. Bless
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Favorite team vs. childhood team each within driving distance but you’d rather cater to foreigners please stop this
@NFL
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Wild turkey w da beans and also almost had a 3rd fake tooth put in crunching on a bb
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Schaffer - “hey how are you today”
Neighbor lady walking dog “so-so”
“Why just so-so?”
“Hahaha yep” *keeps walking down the street
I actually live next to a fuckin NPC
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Zen garden for the desk? Rake some little sand while I talk to these clients? I’m thinking this could be the move
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Fighting allegations of “calling Matthew Perry a bozo after he died” and “sleeping in the yard”
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“You guys aren’t even the close” “You’re not even a man an elf and a dwarf” “you could never defend the deeping wall of Helms Deep against thousands of uruks”
Me and the bros fr
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“Oh that’s nice you keep a picture of your grandma out to remember her”
REMEMBER? Mother fucker, Kathy is still kickin but she ate this portrait too hard for it to not be seen
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@JackMacCFB
Jack Mac you caught a stray bullet that was intended for Brandon Walker
Praying for a swift recovery brother
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@PlayballCarti
@SchafferBurner
Play ball Carti I caught a stray bullet from this whole deal but I’ve survived
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Watched two films last night.
Five Nights at Freddy’s
No Hard Feelings
FNAF was indeed a movie. Nothing more nothing less.
No Hard Feelings was actually really funny + full frontal nude scene of JLaw
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Would you guys come to AshleyFest. I would go. Because this is all of the music that I like.
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Watching return of the Jedi and investigating to see if the Ewoks have dicks. Will report back my findings
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Schaffer’s line of mistakes:
-Teethy head
-Emotionally unavailable
-A cups
-Emotionally unavailable
-Emotionally unstable
-Not the right time
dating history:
- girl i thought was the love of my life
- girl i thought was the love of my life
- girl i thought was the love of my life
- girl i thought was the love of my life
- girl i thought was the love of my life
- girl i thought was the love of my life
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