Satirical Mommy
@SatiricalMommy
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Sleep deprived boy mom. Jennifer Garner liked my tweet. Seen on @scarymommy , @huffpost , @buzzfeed , @todayparents & more. | Scary Mommy Content Creator
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
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Can we stop asking moms what their kids will be doing for camps this summer? Why does every waking moment now have to be filled with expensive activities and endless plans. Why can’t we just let them sleep in, play outside, read a book, dare I say watch some TV, and be bored?
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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70% of marriage is getting excited to watch a show together then falling asleep 10 minutes later
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I let my boys have a sleepover in one of their rooms. They joked that they were going to sneak down and steal the iPads while we were asleep.
Not 10 minutes later, they started to sneak down, giggling and making eye contact, making it obvious what they were doing. (1 of 3)
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Not only are they unlocking a core memory, they are proving that they are thoughtful, responsible, and oh so innocent.
They also are letting me have 30 minutes to myself without needing to handle the bedtime.
This may become a weekly event.
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When they realized I wasn’t stopping them, they brought them to the room, then ran in and told me what they did, all excited, to make sure it was really okay. My 7yo then told me they would only play on them for 30 minutes and would bring then back down before 10 p.m. (2 of 3)
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Want your husband to call you more? Send him to the grocery store alone.
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So excited for my kids to return to school so I can spend my free time reading the 50 emails their school sends each day
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When you carried, birthed, and nurtured them, and this is what you get in return
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Parenting: because sleep is unnecessary and who needs money
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I’ve never met a better negotiator than a kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
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Why is my kid crying today? Because we got gas in lane 7 and not lane 4.
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And can we stop making parents feel guilty if they are either actively trying to let their kids have no plans or just can’t afford $1000 a week camps for each kid, for 8 weeks?
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When you drop your phone off the bed and try to reach for it without getting out
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Can we all agree curbside pickup needs to continue after the pandemic?
- Sincerely, parents everywhere
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This morning my 4yo gave me several of his favorite foam letters as a gift. And then he asked for them back. And that’s Mother’s Day in a nutshell.
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The CDC says you can buy a Peleton bike without telling everyone
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“Good thing on Mother’s Day I get a break from cleaning up after everyone,” I say to my family, and then we laugh and laugh
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Hear me out: a bathroom sensor that yells at my kids for me when they don’t flush, wash their hands, or brush their teeth
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Last night I opened some gelato and ate it right in front of my toddler. He asked if it was ice cream and I said no. He carried on and didn’t ask about it again.
Is this peak parenting? It sure feels like it.
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The me who gives advice and the me who takes advice are two very different people
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Today I’m chaperoning my 8y/o’s trip and I asked him if he wanted me to sit near or far from him.
He responded with “why would I ever want to sit far away from you?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I know is inevitable, and I’m going to ride this high for a while.
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I like to keep marriage exciting by telling my husband I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day and then asking the kids in front of him what they think he bought me.
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Give her what she really wants this Valentine’s Day - do the dishes and put the kids to bed
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Staying in a hotel room as a couple when dating: *Up all night
Staying in a hotel room after years of marriage: “These are nice pillows!” *Checks tag to determine what brand they are
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Last night I caught my 6 y/o eating fortune cookies in bed. When I confronted him, his defense was
“I was reading.”
I almost let him keep eating.
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We can be great parents and still joke about parenting. Laughter is how we enjoy it more.
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Parents be like, “No you can’t have candy for breakfast!” and then give them lucky charms instead.
It’s my husband. He’s the parent.
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If you like cooking a meal you don’t actually get to eat, then parenting is for you
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80% of marriage is walking around sighing passive aggressively but never saying anything
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I used to be a D1 athlete.
Now I throw my back out putting my children into their carseats.
That’s all you need to know about getting older.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must have forgotten about pockets
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When you think you hear your 3yo say “I’m right here” and you say “ok” thinking he is playing right over there and no he means “I write here”
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Is chocolate considered candy?
My husband says he doesn’t like candy but he likes Snickers, Twix, & KitKats…
I consider him confused.
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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The walk of shame, but it’s just me going back to the store for more candy before we’ve even given any out for Halloween
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Stop saying “mom brain” like it’s a bad thing. We do it all. We get it done. Our brains are amazing. We are amazing.
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids
Kids are such fast learners these days
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“It’s the thought that counts” I say to myself as I push the lettuce I just bought to the back of the fridge
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All on his own, my son just started cleaning up a mess his brother made, so don’t tell me there can’t be favorites
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Couldn’t find the tv remote. It was under the oven... if you’re wondering what parenting is like
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Day 1 of school and my child already lost one water bottle, one mask, and his laptop charger.
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No one is a more perfect parent
than a mom in the comments section
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Me: If you eat your broccoli you will be super fast and see really far!
3: I want to walk slow
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Fellas - if it’s something she can wear - it’s not a gift for her, but for you. Try again.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea
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May you have the confidence of my child, who asked for a snack five minutes after refusing to eat his meal
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Husband: “We agreed no more cards right? Cuz I can save $7 and get you a pint of ice cream instead.”
Marry someone who just gets you.
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My 3y/o is currently yelling angrily “I’M NOT NAUGHTY!!”
Christmastime is magical
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Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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As a mom of boys I live in constant fear I’ll be injured whenever I lay on the floor
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I just arrived home from my 1st work trip in 2 years. But rather than spend quality time with my family, I’m eating dinner alone, wearing a mask, & keeping my distance from my 3 y/o just in case. It’s not over for us. Those w/ littles are still struggling. Please remember that.
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“But you’re getting a break from the kids when you go grocery shopping.”
- Things a foolish husband says
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My son was asked to draw his feelings and he drew a picture of himself eating a cookie.
He’s definitely my son.
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Parenting is just cleaning up from a party you weren’t invited to
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Ready for another weekend of oversharing with new mom friends at soccer and regretting it later
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Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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My son and I are reading a book series together.
Last night he got mad at me and instead of yelling, he muttered under his breath that he was going to read ahead without me.
So he’s ready for marriage.
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“Tomorrow is the weekend so we should wake up really early”
- Kids
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As a mom of boys, the most important lesson I will teach them is how to use the bathroom in under 5 minutes
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If my kids say they are thankful for daddy before me it’s over for these bitches
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If you like being the boss, definitely don’t have kids.
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@dadmann_walking
Omg nooo 🤣 if it makes you feel any better I forgot to mute and had to step away to potty train my kid during Covid and everyone heard me sing a potty song 🤣
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Toddler obsessed with Batman for six months. Buy all Batman gifts for birthday.
Morning of birthday: toddler only likes Paw Patrol.
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6: “Everyone is different and likes different things and that’s ok.”
Me: That’s true. But you still need to go to sleep.
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It’s been [0] days since my child has lost his shoe
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No one prepared me for just how much I would worry about the safety of my children during everyday activities. Or how much they would actively try to hurt themselves doing everyday activities.
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First kid: makes homemade baby purées
Second kid: throws baby puffs on the floor
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I don’t want to be invited out. I want you to invite the kids without me.
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I think my jeans shrunk as a result of being under used. That happens right??
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During my son’s first sports camp, I watched him be one of the last kids to run to the other side of the field.
Knowing he can run fast, I asked him about it later. He said he didn’t want the slow kids to feel sad being left behind.
Raise the nice kid.
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Teaching little kids sports is weird. We spend the first few years making sure they share and play nice, and then all of a sudden we’re screaming at them to steal and win at all costs.
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Therapist: What can we do when we feel stressed?
Me: Get mad at entirely fabricated scenarios I’ve imagined after overreacting
Therapist: No
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I had to ask my kid several times if he was a good listener in school, so I guess I got my answer
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Bought my husband “You’re f**n old!” birthday balloons. Forgot my oldest can read. It’s gonna be a party for sure.
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No one cleans faster than a mom rage-cleaning up toys after her kids didn’t listen
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If you like asking for permission to take a shower, than parenting is for you
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My son's voice cracked after trying to see how loud he and his brother could yell. I told him that crackling was a sign he was losing his voice and if he kept yelling he would lose his voice forever. He stopped yelling - for the rest of the day. I'll take what I can get.
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My husband and I built furniture together the first day of the new year. If that isn’t testing fate I don’t know what is
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“Am I getting the frontcine or the baccine first?”
- My 5yo after telling him he’ll need two shots
No one correct him.
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This holiday season I’m thankful my kids get to spend time with the ones they love most - the iPads
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I love fall festivals. I can get lost in a corn maze and no one judges me for hiding from my kids.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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6, trying to take his bag of
Halloween candy upstairs:
“I’m not going to eat any I promise!
I just want it close to me.”
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It takes 20 minutes to get your kid in the shower, and 20 minutes to get them out of the shower, and yet zero (0) of those minutes are spent washing themselves
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Playing red light, green light with my kids just feels wrong now
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Before I had kids, I worried about losing myself and my free time. Now that I have kids, I wouldn’t feel whole without them and wouldn’t want to give my time to anything else. But I wouldn’t mind them going to sleep a little earlier.
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My son thinks all the Halloween candy has expired.
𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 may be my finest parenting moment so far.
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I do predict I will die from a spider one day.
Not because I’ll get bit, but because I’ll be old and try to run from one and fall.
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Before kids, I didn’t understand the expression “I can’t hear myself think.”
I get it now...
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Where can I sign-up in advance for my child to NOT receive a recorder?
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“You’re lucky it’s your birthday, we won’t fart on you.”
My boys, explaining my birthday gift.
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Have kids, so they can complain about being cold but refuse to wear pants
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