Sara
@SaraBollman
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open-awareness meditator (currently) / aspiring non-person / earnest-post generator 💕
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Joined June 2014
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Pinned Tweet
Stating the obvious, but in case anyone forgets as I sometimes do, the goal is to find people who want to cooperate until death and beyond and then do that together.
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I do not understand why men are not just living in olive green t-shirts. I have never seen a man who doesn’t look best in this color. It looks good on every skin tone, w/ every hair & eye color, etc. Have other women noticed this? Is it just me bc I like this color?
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There are many ways in which I think the mass popularization of psychology concepts we’ve seen over the last 10-15 years has been fantastically unhelpful for actually understanding and loving one another.
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The very sensitive child > turn it all off, avoid, dissociate into adulthood > meditate x thousand hours to try to fix it pipeline is a prominent one.
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sage and hunter green are also good—this is top tier advice I’m just giving away FOR FREE.
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I have decided to be open abt the fact that I’m husband-searching & want a max happiness marriage bc I am explicitly looking for single men who are exhilarated hearing a woman say that, not scared or put-off. Gonna try not to worry abt ppl who may judge it as desperate or cringe.
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Imo if you have an “avoidant dismissive” in your life, you’ll likely get much further by treating them as a full unique person existing w/in a full and unique dynamic, rather than as a set of pre-defined abstractions and labels you convince yourself you already understand.
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Earlier today I watched a YT short of a woman describing the relationship patterns of “avoidant dismissives.” The description may have been correct idk but it was so essentializing, so sneakily normative and vilifying—a strange flattening of reality into neat categories and types
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Earnest question which I plan to update my behavior on if given compelling reasons to: is it bad to flirt with people if you probably don’t actually want to date them?
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I continue to find myself grappling with a deep tension between wanting to be very much in the world (working, making money, doing projects, planning for a family) and the desire to just meditate in a forest for months at a time.
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Something I genuinely did not understand for most of my life is how frequently most people tell lies.
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The average heterosexual woman has no clue how much power she actually holds to effect change & contribute to world-building by just positively reinforcing the efforts of a competent man.
By this I mean that obv women tend to like it, but I would implore them to really notice & FEEL how nice it is to enjoy watching a man being good at smthing & then let that extend outward energetically in gratitude & exhilaration & positive reinforcement of men doing things well.
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Hanging out in the lower realms a bit today, processing my new reality of being a broke loser with no job, no home, no boyfriend, etc. and I am again reminded that I am not nearly kind enough to others when they’re in the lower realms.
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My parents have been happily married for 40 yrs and I cannot fathom them using pop psychology concepts to try to understand or harmonize w/ one another. E.g. to my mom, my dad is just exactly who he is and she works w/ that and vice versa—just clear seeing and responsive love.
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If you’re a pretty neurotic person, prone to stressing about things “going wrong”& you wanna maybe try to lessen that via exposure therapy of some form, I highly recommend solo international travel.
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I don’t use dating apps for dating anymore, but I do go on there & just hype men up sometimes w/ little compliments/pointers.
“I can’t go out w/ u, I don’t have time, great smile!”
“This is ur best pic, move it to the top!”
“Lovely answer! Hope u find someone great!💕”
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@walker_jjj
I think these are paint swatches lol, but basically all of these fit the bill. Any low-saturation green works.
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@r00k
Honestly gonna be really proud of myself & this post if Ben can convert these impressions into finding a wife. 💕
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One of the things about the process of “waking up” that people seem less inclined to talk about is that a lot of it just sort of sucks and feels bad and painful.
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Cultivating acceptance of the present moment for exactly what it is by relaxing as much as I can into the current experience, gradually over the course of hundreds or thousands of hours/iterations/repetitions is the most valuable thing I’ve ever done with my time.
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Hot take that shouldn’t be a hot take: if you’re confident you want a specific thing, you gotta signal for that thing specifically and not for a bunch of other things that are different from it.
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One of the main reasons I think so many modern urban people are depressed and anxious is because we insist on trading off stability for optionality.
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Has anyone ever thought about doing a solo meditation retreat on a cruise ship? Lol.
Hear me out:
- you get a private room, possibly w/ wonderful views of the ocean
- food is prepared for you
- you’re trapped on a boat
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It’s a tough to talk about skillfully, but it is true that ppl who are high-IQ & also conventionally attractive are cut off from many very important feedback mechanisms bc the world rewards them no matter what. There’s smthg v sad about this bc many of them do yearn for honesty.
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How do you encourage a friend with natural coaching tendencies to not be constantly trying to coach you when you just want to be doing friendship?
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Was such a huge thing for me (and still is) to realize that most people do not even believe their own beliefs.
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@VividVoid_
As a testament to the fact that I descend from generations of conscientious objectors and pacifists, my mind had not even linked this w/ army colors until everyone started saying it.
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My opinion is that max happiness marriages don’t just happen. Ppl build them together. That’s what I want to do. I’ve been developing the skills I think are needed for it on my side as much as I can alone. I’m interested in dating men w/ a similar attitude & proof of competence💕
@sivori
the weirdest thing was her saying max happiness marriage
everyone wants that, but saying it aloud makes it feels like she's the type to make a checklist for that happiness
how many dates did he take me on, were the restaurants good enough, how many times did he text me first etc
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Beware of shifting goalposts. The suffering mind really doesn’t want to notice that current you has exactly the life that past you was dreaming of.
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One of the most unfortunate patterns in modern dating is ppl being so protective of themselves that they make all of their decisions from that place of fear w/o concern for the fact that their partners are in the same state of fragility.
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Willingness to play the long game can get you a whole lot of good things in life….probably most of the good things life has to offer, actually.
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I think if I’m being totally honest, I would not advise anybody to move to NYC. I used to be either encouraging or just quiet if asked my opinion on this. However it really seems to be the case that most people end up slightly worse for living here.
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This is extremely not meant as some sort of flippant “hot girl” discourse thing, but srsly the absolute best way I’ve seen so far to make yourself more attractive is to meditate a lot—find spiritual meaning, wake up to beauty & goodness & so on.
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Where are the most spiritually healthy people at geographically? Like, say for example, I could move anywhere in the USA two months from now (I literally can, btw!), where should I go?
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@nadiainthought
Interesting! I do not actually know color theory, so I’m sort of wondering if I’m just universalizing a strong personal preference for this color palate. 🤷🏼♀️
I do think it’s pretty standard that deep, low-saturation colors are good on men tho: maroons, navies, greys, olives.
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If you get lost enough times, miss enough flights, find yourself not having a set place to sleep continually, etc your system will eventually update on the fact that almost nothing is actually high stakes & such problems are highly solvable in their precise moments/contexts.
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Imo, you shouldn’t date anybody you’re not hypothetically willing to publicly simp for.
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By this I mean that obv women tend to like it, but I would implore them to really notice & FEEL how nice it is to enjoy watching a man being good at smthing & then let that extend outward energetically in gratitude & exhilaration & positive reinforcement of men doing things well.
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At least consider the possibility that you do not need any new or additional healing modalities. How you are right now is fine.
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Lol. My last major breakup took me roughly 5 years to “get over” in a meaningful sense and I’m still deeply troubled by some minor dimensions of it. I do not understand why a statement like this would need to be gendered.
how the f*ck do so many women get over breakups so insanely fast??!
it’s such a super power.
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Can somebody please explain this meme to me? I’m new here and I do not intuitively get it.
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Sociopaths are real and can ruin your life if you get too close to one. Yet every single day I encounter so many people who have not even begun to grapple with this truth.
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I’m very sad they made it so that “likes” are no longer public. I’ve enjoyed this website a lot just by browsing the likes of a few specific people with very good taste.
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Some of my favorite men currently in the world don’t want children or don’t want them on the timeline I would need them to & it has been a literal grieving process for me to accept what that means about what we can/cannot build together in this life. It’s sad stuff to be honest.
It's sad because you meet all these incredible people with whom it's clear you could build something really beautiful, but through no one's fault, it just won't work out on this go-around
Perhaps in the next life our clocks will tick together
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Honestly, the single best thing you can do for yourself if you want a good life is surround yourself with people who are really truly earnestly trying
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What should I do with my life? Please just somebody tell me and I’ll do it.
All I want is to be happy and healthy and maybe make 4 to 5 million USD.
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It continues to blow my mind how literally any moment of any day recently I can just go do my little walking practice for 10 minutes (or way longer) & basically immediately have access to spaciousness & a sense of awe at being alive right here right now.
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Excuse my ego, but honestly whoever marries me is going to be extremely lucky. And I will be lucky to have married whoever he is too.
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Also to be clear, I am talking abt very low-stakes playful stuff that is mostly energetic. I am not talking about actively leading men on, or feigning interest, or being manipulatively seductive. I don’t do that & try to correct immediately if it happens on accident or is misread
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Might sound silly but I think earlier this week is the first time it’s really sunk in for me that I’m gonna die eventually.
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Such a mystery why we’re even here doing any of this, right? So weird. Beautiful too though.
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I’m in a very flirtatious mode of being right now, including with men and strangers I don’t consider actual romantic matches for me. I’ve so far received what looks like positive feedback, but who knows, I’m not trying to hurt anyone, etc.
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Chill, at-home, DYI retreats are underrated imo. You can, for example, take a long weekend, make no plans & simply meditate more than usual, be mostly silent, go for nice walks, turn off the television or equivalent, cook healthy food as practice, do chores as practice, etc.
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A meta-practice question I currently ask myself a lot is: Is my practice making me a nicer person to be around? E.g. am I more accepting/more spacious/less judgmental/less projecty/more attuned/less frenetic etc etc etc?
If no, wtf? Why? What’s the point of doing all of this?
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Most people are not bad or immoral, they’re just deeply confused.
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Not trying to be judgy but I do think a lot of men I know would be having a more relaxed time in life if they could just surrender to the unknown forever and ever.
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@QiaochuYuan
I’m really not sure why so many women seem under the impression that this is something the average man can just turn on at will, especially in contracted states like through courtship. If he has access to it in the first place, why would it ever be “off”?
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So what’s going on with manifestation practices and why do they often work? What do we think about this? Have people already written threads about it or should I?
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I have a DateMe doc in the works to be released soon. I’m sort of scared to just put it on the internet for anyone to see. Feels extremely exposed & vulnerable & also like some people could be mean. Any ideas how to make this feel less scary? How do I direct the traffic I want?
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There is something I’d like to be able to communicate but don’t quite know how. It is that the goodness you’re looking for is already inside you. You just have to try to get very good at looking for it and very good at trusting it’s there even in moments when you cannot see it.
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Going viral on Twitter for saying that men look good in green is the dumbest thing that’s ever happened to me. Gn.
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Many of the realest meditators I know don’t actually talk very much about meditation. I aspire to one day shut up.
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Hey, if you meditate a lot & also have a happy life partnership can you let me know your thoughts on needing a partner who is also a practitioner? Does it matter or not?
I’ve conversationally asked some advanced ppl I know about this & answers have varied widely.
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It’s my birthday. I’m having a nice day and I hope you have a nice day and btw it turns out that aging is actually totally fine. It’s simply another thing that is happening. Younger me would not have believed.
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Going through a phase of being kind of exhausted of talking about healing modalities. What if things are okay how they are? What if it’s okay to be flawed & feel hurt & be mid? What if we don’t put so much energy into grasping for something better & just accept imperfection? Idk.
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Internet flirting is so funny. One time I had a crush on a guy based on his online presence so I just went and liked all of his IG posts for the last two years & then he did the same to me & then we never spoke again. Lol.
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Snarky tweet but I would love to live in a world where meditation is not synonymous with experiencing jhanic states, but multiple people in my replies this week simply refuse to play along with this. To each their own.
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Would it really be so bad to just resign to be poor for the rest of my life?
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Just heard a 63 year-old woman say her sixties are her favorite decade so far. Wow guys, does it maybe just keep getting better and better?
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Incrementally approaching acceptance of the fact that nothing & nobody can save me from uncertainty about the future & the fear that surrounds it.
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Interrogating why I post things of this type if not for reassurance/comfort-seeking:
- honesty abt how I’m feeling
- example of not all states being pleasant
- example of negative self-talk being allowed & safe in practice like everything else
- noticing the rollercoaster
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People exit this city less wholesome, less trusting of important social structures, less in touch w/ what “actually matters,” less sensitive to the suffering of others, less attuned, more lonely. The environment encourages development in these directions and discourages awakening
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Just reporting my honest feeling, but I do not really see what is so massively appealing about jhanic states when I already feel good a lot of the time & also get to participate in normal life activities like having sex & sitting outside on a beautiful sunny day.
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This is ~20% of my current meditation practice, btw. Highly recommend dedicating time to just lying there for a while every morning before getting up and “doing stuff.”
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I wish there were better ways to endorse ppl w/o selecting them in dating. There are tons of guys I find very broadly dateable/attractive but just slightly wrong for me specifically or it’s wrong time/place. There are not good feedback mechanisms in place for this kind of upvote.
I don’t use dating apps for dating anymore, but I do go on there & just hype men up sometimes w/ little compliments/pointers.
“I can’t go out w/ u, I don’t have time, great smile!”
“This is ur best pic, move it to the top!”
“Lovely answer! Hope u find someone great!💕”
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Omg sometimes I’m just sitting here and it dawns on me how I know nothing about anything outside of my own mind and it is just so profoundly ignorant to keep falling into this trap of thinking I have any clue what might be going on for someone else.
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I was thinking about going to Vibecamp, but the thing is, I’m actually very bad at vibing.
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Normalize falling asleep while meditating if that’s what your mind/body wants to do!
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It’s actually very hot (to me) when a man is like, “I don’t know.”
My system is like, oooh look at him just not knowing and being chill and/or humble and/or curious about maybe finding out. 👀
Not trying to be judgy but I do think a lot of men I know would be having a more relaxed time in life if they could just surrender to the unknown forever and ever.
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Having a thing to orient around is massively important. The most common thing of this type is career but a lot of people hate theirs (or aspects of it) so it doesn’t feel like it’s important. Instead it feels like escaping it would be freedom.
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@IaimforGOAT
Impossible to answer in a general sense. It certainly seems to be working for me (gradually, incrementally, across long timelines) more than any other intervention I’ve tried.
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I’m not referring to dark night type stuff, just the day-to-day looking at unpleasant components of the current conditions, trying to view them clearly, feeling the feelings behind that increasing clarity, and so on. For me at least, there is a lot of fear to stare at.
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Tweeted this a week ago & deleted in case I wanted to change my mind again. I have not changed my mind again.
I have approximately ~1 month left in NYC. After this I will be an unemployed transient for something between 2 months and 80 years. I’m excited!
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Also I’m a woman. Please be kind and speak softly. Seems like it might relate to war.
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It’s actually insane how many hundreds of hrs I’ve spent building & iterating models of the human psyche just so I can hopefully navigate life & relationships in a way that I can feel basic safety from ever being hurt again. This is almost all I’ve been working on the last ~5 yrs
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Sorry, my bad, I got confused and thought my emotions are reality for a minute.
…is a thing you can say to basically immediately deescalate any argument, as long as you mean it.
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It’s quite simple but takes time & effort: have deep friendships, invest in community, ask trusted ppl in ur life to help u find a partner. Presumably they’re good ppl, so they know other good ppl u do not yet know. Treat everyone involved well & the funnel will keep funneling.
Dating apps don’t work and being out in public doesn’t work. What’s the secret third option someone lmk plz
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Pretty cool and interesting to go pretty deep into spiritual inquiry and basically become a whole Buddhist only to realize that my Christian mother was my first and best spiritual teacher the whole time.
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One thing that’s quite hard to actually accept is that I truly cannot save people from their own idiocy most of the time nor can anyone save me from mine.
We’re really all just bumbling fools.
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@Obliquities
Yeah, this resonates. I’m mostly talking about like men I see at the grocery store and Twitter mutuals who live far away, etc. Cases where I would consider it mutually obvious that dating would not be tenable.
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Ok so if I’m doing this sabbatical thing & I want to become a real Buddhist who’s done the reading, how do I? Where do I start? Do I uhm…just read the suttas? All of them? Or which ones in what order? Are they ordered? No, right? Which translations? I’m very ignorant. Pls help!
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Admittedly, I get reallly touchy abt ppl preaching to me abt what I “should have done” in my 20s to be happily partnered long before now. For the obvious reason that I can’t reverse time, but for the stronger reason that I DID do the things & life is just complicated, okay?
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My for you tab is consistently like 50% gender discourse from troubled individuals who can’t see past their own stupid suffering enough to draw conclusions that actually make sense, let alone help anything. Pls keep this in mind if you see a lot of this too. It’s toxic sludge.
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I should be sad that that is another person’s current reality w/in 100ft of me. I should be trying to help. The amount of sensory inputs I have to fully close myself off to every single day just to get to/from work in this city is deeply troubling. It’s the only way to function.
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