buck tooth cunt
@Royal_McPoyle
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885
Following
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Media
529
Statuses
9,359
born to shit, forced to wipe
eat my shorts
Joined December 2011
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Pinned Tweet
i’ve had 4 beers and im so excited for the rest of my life
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i bought a new car battery and it was like $220 and the girl at auto zone said “wanna see how much it would cost if you needed 99 of them?” and i said “okay” so she typed 99 in the quantity and the price went to $23000 and she said “thats how much it would cost” and i said “okay”
1K
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351K
rih: he abused me
ppl: 😴
chris: i abused her
ppl: 😧
bey: he cheated
ppl: 😴
jay: i cheated
ppl: 😧
women: pls help
ppl: 😴
men: nah
ppl: 🤘🏽🤠🤘🏽
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I WANTED TO TAKE A PIC OF A BIRD AT THE AQUARIUM BUT IT SAW ME AND TRIED TO EAT MY PHONE
http://t.co/gczdqqDRUl
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hey guys i got a job that’s related to my field today and i nailed my interview and i am rly overcoming some obstacles this week and i’d like to take this moment to be proud of myself and how far i’ve come and how far i’m going :) thanks
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i saw this woman taking a picture of her dog in the middle of the parade route and i made her text it to me
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we asked this guy at the movies to take a pic of us but he dead ass took a selfie on my phone
http://t.co/3UWCLAPCAM
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i love texas highways because ppl will blow past you going 90mph and then you look up and there’s a sign that says shit like “a turn signal is goated in situations where driving safely is the vibe”
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north posted these while playing games on my phone. not sure how or why she chose them but i'm not complaining!
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im so glad i was a kid in 2008 like gas was $4+/gallon and everybody was losing their job/house and i was prolly eatin bugs n bein oblivious
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huge pet peeve is any kind of educational sexual diagram where the penis is circumcised. SURGICALLY MUTILATED PENIS SHOULD NOT BE PRESENTED AS THE SCIENTIFIC NORM!!!!
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hi guys! Im an aspiring artist and I just finished my first oil painting! If you're interested in buying, please DM me! starting price $750
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things that are out rn:
•franks album
•my titties
•dicks for harambe
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guy at the smoke shop said “do you want a free ——?” and i didn’t hear him but obviously still said yes and then it turned out to be this 3.5ft inflatable joint
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my friend asked me to meet her at a park after work and i didn’t have time to go home + change out of my scrubs, so i went into a thrift store and got the cheapest clothes they had. then she ended up taking us to a nice restaurant so i paid $55 for a fancy dinner wearing this
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forgot to tell yall that i got a bonus AND a raise at my job when i been workin less than 9 weeks 🥺
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I don't usually like posting selfies but I also usually don't look good so suck my ass
http://t.co/L0S8iLsQet
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i’m fucking screaaaammmiinnnggg i sent this pic of chunk to my coworker just to be like “look how cute my little boy is” and she CROSS STITCHED IT ANS GAVE IT TO ME JUST BC SHE WANTED TO 😭😭😭 i’m cryin
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reminiscing on when gunnar and i dated in eighth grade and he texted me all the lyrics to best i ever had by drake.... that was real romance
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okay i saw this video about how to make your leg look like a boob with your toe as the nipple but barrett sent me his hairy version and i’m YELLING
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uh ohhhh it went well and he said he wanted to take it slow and thought i’m really cool and just enjoyed hanging out w me and there’s no pressure 🥺🥺🥺❤️❤️❤️
i have a date tomorrow and i’m already so anxious that i wanna cancel
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TELL ME WHY i’ve been singing “you could’ve had a bad bitch, malcom middle”
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i thought this lady was yelling about free food so i went over to her and it turned out she was saying “free helmets”
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i trust paul rudd soooo much. i would count on him in any emergency
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my coworker just told me that the first time she smoked weed she didn’t know how much to buy so she bought A POUND AND A HALF like she thought $1000 was a normal amount to spend on weed all at once
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if the cowboys beat the redskins on thanksgiving, it's like american history repeating itself
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an abortion ban will NOT stop abortions. it bans women from access to SAFE and regulated abortions. you are not “saving” the life of an unconscious clump of cells, you are devaluing and endangering the lives of living, feeling women who do not owe you motherhood.
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tried to do some soul searching and found out i'm just an asshole
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she lets me hold her like a baby and she falls asleep on my tummy and she purrs 24/7 and she's mine now
http://t.co/3K2OgDxR8l
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I wanna hear a version of hotline bling from the girls point of view like just havin a good time and gettin her own now that drake's gone
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life would be so much simpler if i was named caylee and wore infinity scarves and hunter boots and my parents paid for me to be in a sorority at the university of alabama and i married a guy named justin whose dad is a lawyer and his parents bought us a house and i ignored racism
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been growin up and *feline* good this past year 😸 happy first birthday margarita!!!
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i found a stray dog and brought her home and named her Bong Water cause she’s a stinky mess
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my christmas present for my grandma came in the mail today
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actually officer i wasn’t texting and driving i was just adding a couple songs to the queue
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my mom can't remember half my friends' names, but she always brings up Butcher Cox, who roller skated in the fourth grade talent show
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i remember this guy gave a speech about why he went to A&M and he said it was cause he visited UT and saw a girl w green hair and a cat sitting on her shoulder and thought that was too crazy for him.
so i came to UT to be that girl on campus and scare away conservative losers
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today is my one year anniversary at my lab :))) celebrating the longest i’ve ever had a job AND a year of experience in my field ❤️😌
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can’t believe that if i went to A&M i could be engaged by now
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i swear to fucking god this is so embarrassing and it feels so untrue but.... here i am looking at the data....
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PSA: GIRLS DONT WANNA HOOK UP WITH GUYS WHO TALK SHIT ABOUT GIRLS THAT THEYVE HOOKED UP WITH!!!!!!!
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the grape surgery HONESTLY makes sense when you think about testing precision based robots on something similar to human skin but also they did surgery on a grape
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one time i went to H-E-B and shopped for like at least an hour and then i couldn’t find my keys but it turned out i just left my keys in the ignition with the car running for the whole time i was in there. it wouldn’t even be theft at that point like i was giving the car away
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high schools “confiscating” students’ cell phones for WEEKS should’ve never ever been allowed
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realizing that people who live outside of texas prob have no idea that “Don’t Mess With Texas” is an anti-littering campaign
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that nah nah honey I'm good song sounds like if someone made an EDM remix of cotton eyed joe idk how else to explain it
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i love holding the blunt hostage while i tell a long winded story
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having sex in a hammock is difficult and that’s all i have to say about it
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it’s kinda sad when humans make animals fat but i love it when animals get fat by themselves. like a fat raccoon or possum whos just been really successful at scavenging? good for you buddy
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this is pretty much what I expected them to look like
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guy last night called me “unamerican” as and insult and i was like .... yes that’s what i’ve been saying the whole time
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Alan just walked in while we were in the middle of watching Ratatouille and said “oh is this the second one?” but there is no Ratatouille 2 so i’m wondering what he knows that i don’t
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do yall ever smell weed and it smells like weed used to smell before you started smoking
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DONT DATE SOMEONE BC ITS CONVENIENT DONT DATE THEM BC UR LONELY. DATE THEM BC THEY MAKE U HAPPY & U WANNA WATCH CARTOONS W THEM ON SATURDAYS
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i’m gonna fail this test but i’m really excited for AFTER the test when i don’t have to worry about failing anymore cause i already did it
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when my grandpa was in the air force he went through all the effort to smuggle weed back to the US from vietnam, and then when he got home my grandma found it and made him flush it down the toilet before he could smoke any.
so it’s a generational struggle
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me: *wants to die*
trump: *edges the US closer to total annihilation and makes a clusterfuck of foreign affairs*
me: wait no not like this
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I HATE FITNESS SND EXERCISE BUT I KNOW ITS WHAT MICHELLE OBAMA WOULD WANT ME TO DO
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i miss the febreeze commercials where people got kidnapped and taken to rooms full of garbage
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i got a red light ticket like 5 years ago and i swear this is exactly what my photo looked like when it came in the mail
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it’s a common misconception that women mature faster than men when, in fact, men do not mature
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i’m so used to holding cats i just DROPPED my coworkers dog from like 4 ft in the air bro he SMACKED on the ground and everybody looked at me like 😦😦😦
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i wish this wasn’t SO fucking funny but i’m standing face to face with this cop and i asked him if he voted for trump and he said “i’ve never voted in my life, it doesn’t make a difference” like HHAHAHAHAHSH SIR that actually makes sense
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