Ron White
@Ron_White
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Following
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Teller of jokes. Haver of fun. A founding father of Number JUAN Tequila. On tour. Latest Special “If You Quit Listening I’ll Shut Up” on Netflix
on stage, cigar, tequila
Joined December 2008
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Pinned Tweet
The Tater returns!🥔🔥
Get ready for the 2024 tour. It's gonna be a wild ride! We can’t wait to see you!
🎫:
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If you believe you’ll suddenly get your shit together at a certain age I can confirm it ain’t 60.
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How come they never tell us which medications go really well with alcohol?
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It’s sad that our dogs are with us for such a short period of time yet assholes annoy us for decades.
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If you don’t think “what the fuck?!” at least 10 times a day, you’re not paying attention.
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Turns out impeachment hearings aren’t as interesting without the blowjobs.
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Am I the only one disgusted by all these giant corporations that never cared about anything other than money putting out commercials talking about how much they care about “the people?”
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If you’re getting a dog consider a rescue by stealing one from an asshole who leaves his tied to a tree.
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No one has ever been on their deathbed regretting too much time spent with dogs or margaritas.
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Ron Jeremy to be tried by a jury of his peers ... so a hung jury?
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If you’re traveling for Thanksgiving this week, head over to
@spotifypodcasts
and spend some time with me + my buddy
@joerogan
on
#1734
of The Joe Rogan Experience🎧
Always a killer time🤟🏻
#joeroganexperience
#thanksgiving
#happythanksgiving
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I hope the next time God speaks to Joel Osteen he tells him to fuck off.
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I’m launching an exploratory committee to see if I should get hammered tonight.
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The last time I drank the recommended amount of water I was eating pussy in a jacuzzi.
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When I learned that insurance companies check your social media accounts I almost spit carrot juice all over my treadmill.
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People say Amazon is great for shopping in your pajamas like they’ve never been to a country Walmart.
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“Cops” is cancelled after 30 years. I’m about to collect on decades of bets that eventually I’d end up on it.
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Inauguration Day. No matter who you voted for, support each other and our military, and be proud to be American.
#inauguration
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Who doesn’t love surprises? Me when I’m driving so use your fucking blinkers.
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If you’re a bicyclist taking up a lane of traffic just know the rest of us have thought about hitting you.
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Not wearing a mask in public is like raw dogging a 5 dollar hooker.
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You know how every family has that one crazy fucking member? Through process of elimination I just realized it’s me.
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If I’m reading young people on social media correctly, second base is now eating ass?
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How fucking cool is that all the “service industry personnel” so many douchebags looked down on for years are revealed to be the heroes they always were?!
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I’d drink less if my tolerance for alcohol was lower than my tolerance for assholes.
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Big ups to the Federal Government for understanding that liquor stores are an “essential business.”
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If you’re the kind of person who enjoys a finger in the butt I highly recommend Scott one-ply toilet paper.
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Alcohol is a depressant and weed is an anti-depressant and together I’m fucking pleasant.
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Titties are like snowflakes......I like to catch them on my tongue.
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Just found out my high school girlfriend used to refer to having sex with me as “riding the short bus.”
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If God didn’t want you to drink he wouldn’t have created everyone else.
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A message for Tater World 🥔
I love you guys. Stay safe and take care of each other.
#COVID19
#CoronaVirus
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I get the fuck me part but what does the horse I rode in on have to do with it?
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At this point does anyone else feel like running around naked outside, kissing strangers and slamming booze?
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If God meant for us to smoke pot he wouldn’t have created the private prison industry to lobby congressmen to criminalize a plant.
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Don’t release the Robert Kraft video. If I want to see an old white haired man getting a handjob I can simply look down.
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Fun waking up to all of these birthday wishes🎂
This life’s been a wild one, and I’m thankful to have spent it with all of you🙏🏻
#HappyBirthday
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People who believe toilet paper should hang from behind are the flat-earthers of shitting.
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If I’m ever on life support I hereby give nurses permission to get freaky.
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I’d brag about last night but a gentleman doesn’t get a handy behind Waffle House and tell.
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Hey ‘19—Instead of a government shutdown, how about a government shut up?
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No, dogs aren’t “like family.” No one ever makes up excuses not to see their dog.
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NYE…last show of an unbelievable ride.
Thanks for the laughs, the love, and for joining me for last call, kids.
#lastcalltour
#retirement
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Hard to believe it’s almost 2020 and all my organs are still functioning.
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Quit writing “b*tch” and “sh*t” like we’re playing Wheel of Fucking Fortune.
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I’ve always been a pretty good listener but my real talent is not giving a shit.
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I’m not sure if I’m losing my hearing or the ability to give a shit.
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Having your sandwich toasted always sounds like a great idea right up until it shreds the fuck out of your mouth.
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How many fucking pillows are they selling over at MyPillow that they can afford to advertise so much?!
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Does anyone else regulate their body temperature while sleeping by hanging their dick outside the blanket?
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I don’t know how some dicks get to be 10 inches long but I know for certain it’s not from pulling on them.
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How do you do it, Pizza Hut? Your food on TV looks good and then this shit shows up. It’s like a chick using an old photo on social media. I’m not eating this!
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Sucks that I now make the same sounds getting up from a couch as I used to make moving one.
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Life isn’t about being happy all the time, sometimes you have to suck it up and drink miserably.
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Every drinker has that one drink that once kicked their ass so hard even smelling it makes them gag. That’s me with gyms.
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My doctor says I only have a few more years of drinking left so after that I’m switching to righty.
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I like to think that every mosquito that bites me wakes up somewhere with a raging hangover.
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This restaurant wouldn’t bag a steak bone for my dog so I hope he appreciates fancy salt ‘n pepper shakers.
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Been thinking a lot about cutting back on the booze. I’ve also been thinking about fucking Kate Upton, so there you go.
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I’ve reached the age when scrolling to find my birth year on an online form feels like losing at slots.
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The true character of a person is revealed when they think no one is watching them eat ribs.
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Mustard + I are all stocked up w
@DrinkNumberJuan
tequila. Hunker down & be well, Tater World 🥔
#COVID19
#CoronaVirus
#DrinkNumberJUAN
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I bet legal pot has done a real number on the sandwich baggie industry.
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Just saw an abandoned wheelchair on the side of the road and it’s either awful or really great news.
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If a friend opens up about a problem it’s not your job to solve it, it’s your job to get them shitfaced and sing along to Skynyrd.
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Might have to quit smoking pot. I keep hallucinating a commercial where grown men and women are dressed up like cats. That can’t be fucking real.
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Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with soliciting prostitution in Florida. Guess he wanted to get his trophy polished.
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One of the trickiest things about getting older is losing the ability to predict fart volume.
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At the risk of bragging, I doubt that any virus could last longer than one day in my blood system.
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Then again, if Uber existed when I was younger I never would’ve met all those wonderful officers.
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Got milk. Got dog. Got weed. Got booze. Got porn. Got golf. What I don’t have is you guys. And that’s what I miss the most. I promise, we’ll do it all again soon!
#QuarantineLife
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In the 80s Instagram used to mean your dealer was incredibly quick.
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If auto piloted cars work as well as auto corrected texting we’re fucked.
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Turns out a butt dial and a booty call are not the same thing.
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Never understood why people call others “pussy” as an insult because pussy is the best thing in the world.
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If I cared what people thought about me I’d never be able to get out of bed in the evening.
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Either the couple in the room next to me are fucking or I’m missing a great game on TV.
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If you don’t think body shaming is still a problem you should have heard what a doctor just said about my liver.
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Joe referred to me as “The King of Texas”..... and I’m psyched to welcome one of my bff’s to Austin🤘🏻Always a blast, brother.
Catch us on
@joerogan
Experience
#1534
smokin’ the good stuff, drinking
@DrinkNumberJuan
, and & having our usual fantastic hang.
#JoeRoganExperience
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My heart is healthy enough for sex but my liver won’t survive another marriage.
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There hasn’t been one death from a weed overdose so I still have a shot at being first.
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I buy extra virgin out of habit but couldn’t care less if the olives were fucking.
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Billboard off of Sunset Blvd in LA! Hope you kids are enjoying my new Special “If You Quit Listening, I’ll Shut Up” on
@netflix
#NetflixIsAJoke
#NewSpecial
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