Ash Self
@Riversof_shadow
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a soft apricot watching daytime TV through his resealable bag Actor, comedian, sleepy lil guy Felix in Heartstopper 🍂🏳️⚧️ He/him
London, England
Joined September 2014
Heartstopper comes out in less than 2 weeks and I’m so excited to be bringing some disabled rep to the show, but gentle reminder that I am disabled and I do not wish to be referred to as handicapped, differently abled or any other euphemism for disabled. It is not a dirty word xx.
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So so proud and privileged to have been a part of this season, can't wait for everyone to see it :).
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So grateful to be part of a show where I don’t have to tone myself down or apologise for who I am.
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Been alive for 22 whole years and haven’t even died once yet. Mad. Congrats to me.
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Top surgery really was an act of kindness to myself. The way it’s transformed the way I feel about my body and how connected to it I feel after just 18 days is wild. I feel so relieved.
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I know that other disabled people may prefer these terms but I don’t. Felix’s mobility aids and medical devices are also mine, I did not change or switch them to play the role and Felix is also disabled :).
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Popping back for a sec to say that Saturday was amazing, feel very full of love at the moment and excited for the future xx
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Felix came to party and nothing else. No thoughts, only boogie.
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Heartstopper season 3 is out and you should go and watch ittt 💃🍂. Here’s me doing a wee at about 6am in my accessible trailer cos I was very excited about the accessible trailer
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Just over 2 weeks until you can watch me get paid to wear sexy knitwear again . And also everything else that happens is very good.
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I want to thank everyone so much who’s shared and donated to my gofundme, I actually had surgery 4 days ago but don’t use Twitter so hadnt deleted the tweets or the page yet. If everyone is ok for me to do this, I’ll be passing recent donations on to other trans fundraisers 💕.
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Tricked a university into giving me a degree (and they’re letting me go back for a masters) . In first year I really did not think I would finish this degree but I fucking did and I think I did it pretty well
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This international day of disabled people is also exactly 5 years since this picture was taken and 5 years since I started using a wheelchair. Accepting that I was disabled at 17 was fucking hard but I genuinely wouldn’t change it .🧵
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My girlfriend immortalised and framed the moment I appeared in a Trixie and Katya video for half a second and gave it to me for my birthday, and it’s beautiful . They look so unimpressed, I love it
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One year ago today I got top surgery. It’s been amazing to feel myself connect to my body more over the last year, which is something I’ve struggled with since puberty. Not posting a pic of my chest cos I can’t be arsed with ppl bitching abt my scar, so have this instead
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Today in Westfield a woman pointed at my wheelchair and just said “how much?” And I still do not know if she was just curious about how much it cost or she was trying to buy it off me. She provided zero context or follow up questions and I’m not even mad cos I’m still baffled.
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Stop calling dudes who are like 5’8 short kings. Real short kings are <5’5 . You are just an average height prince.
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On the 9th of January 2020 I had my first feeding tube placed, it was an NG tube and at the time it felt like the end of the world. 3 years on I now have a surgical tube and can confidently say that feeding tubes gave me my life back.
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Rik Mayall is trending I'm both thrilled and heartbroken, would sell all the toes on my left foot just to shake his hand and say thank you #RikMayall
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Missiles concealed in a wheelchair ? Ramp in the tardis ?? Yasmin Finney ? Ruth Madeley ? Doctor Who is so BACK . Am fucking thrilled lads, thanks Russell.
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For people getting A Level results today, obviously I hope you get what you were hoping for, but remember they’re not the end of the world. I never even sat my exams and I start a masters degree next month! Be nice to yourselves pls.
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When I started using a wheelchair 4 1/2 years ago, it was viewed by so many as an object of tragedy (me included) but it really gave me my life back and I would not be about to finish a degree or been able to do HS if I hadn’t accepted that I needed it #InternationalWheelchairDay
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Never finished my A Levels because I was too sick to sit my exams and I beat myself up about that for 5 years, until today, because I just handed my dissertation in and finished my degree :).
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2023 was alright, I graduated university, I appeared as a recurring character in a Netflix show and I’m very proud of those things, but it was still hard. I hope 2024 is a bit gentler on everyone x.
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It’s international wheelchair day and since last year I’ve appeared on the cover of a magazine in my chair, gone on stage at pride in my chair and finally acquired a cup holder 😎 .It took years to fully accept and be proud of myself as a wheelchair user, but we’re getting there
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@yourilyse I’d actually always rather be called disabled, I am disabled and whilst it has its (many) challenges and not so fun times, I’m proud of it and I wouldn’t change it for the world :).
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Just found out I do not in fact have liver cancer 😎 which I’ve been worrying about since January because a tumour on my liver started to get bigger inexplicably. Still not sure why it got bigger but it’s not cancer, so slay.
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Happy pride month, here is my totally real moustache. Definitely not seaweed
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If you see me in Tesco stand up to reach the chicken wraps, mind your business . I’m so sick of people demanding explanations/medical information from me when they see me walk or stand.
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Got new headshots that make me look like I’m finally allowed to buy energy drinks in Tesco without my mum.
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I have complex thoughts about this day. I am glad I’m visibly trans. Even though I’ve been hatecrimed more in the last two years than any of the other 8 years I’ve been out, and even though I’ve had to turn off the comments on my Instagram account because they were disgusting.
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I am also hopping off Twitter for a bit cos it sucks and it’s also become real bad for my brain. All my other socials are @/smashself, I’m much more annoying on Instagram :).
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To the bloke who just filmed me out his car window while his mate laughed and I was literally just going along the road in my chair, I hope you don’t take any corners too fast you prick.
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The only reason you “don’t have pronouns” is because you’re not interesting enough for anyone to ever refer to you.
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My fave thing about the losers in my Instagram comments and DMs is their insistence that my transition is child abuse. Idk how many more times I can tell people I am an entire 22 years of age. I literally remember dick and dom in da bungalow, pls shut up.
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I get a lot of messages asking about my tube and why I need it, I’m kind of bored of watching people reply for me with assumptions about my health so I’m gonna make a tiktok about it at some point this week and hopefully that’ll help people understand a bit better.
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Me and my brother just voted! :). Five minutes later, we had homophobic slurs shouted at us, the guy raised his fist at me and then grabbed my brother. Directly outside our house. At least it validated my choice to vote green I guess 🤷♂️.
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So it’s Children In Need tonight and I just wanna chat quickly about it as someone who benefited consistently from charities supported by CIN throughout my adolescence. The first thing: it shouldn’t exist. Everything done by Children In Need is absolutely the government’s job.
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If she was trying to buy it off me, how did she expect me to get home ?.
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Just want to say that I think I managed to go this whole interview without swearing once, and for that I deserve at least a lil biscuit. I didn’t know if Canada was like the states and not big fans of swearing, so if you do like swearing, I can only apologise.
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This is in 2 days! I don’t do comedy much cos it’s so hard to find accessible comedy nights . But this is accessible! And BSL interpreted! And I’m doing 10 minutes!.
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Wrote a lil something for the Independent about the assumption that disabled people don’t have sex and stuff like that, if you’re interested .
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Doctor who banged, no notes. Also the tardis has a ramp now and I am very available just so you know RTD.
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You’re telling me all I had to do this whole time to get a boyfriend was dig a massive fuck off hole in my garden? .#LastOfUsHBO.
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Anyway, solidarity to all my trans siblings today who would feel much safer being less visible right now. Please find a trans person’s fundraiser to donate to if you can today x.
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Half the reason most of what I tweet is inane bullshit is because I cannot open my phone at the moment without a bombardment of transphobia. So I’m trying to enjoy being visibly joyful and silly and queer because actually I’m very tired.
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Across the Spiderverse having 2 instances of wheelchair rep made me go 😮 at my friends like an excited 4 year old . And sun-spider has EDS ?? That is so cool and sexy in my unbiased opinion.
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It is now my birthday, I hope that Blink 182 song is not correct because I’m very sensitive.
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Just wanna make it clear that the views I express here are not mine. I’m not telling you whose they are but like, they’re not mine.
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Most pride events are still doing not even the bare minimum in terms of accessibility and at this point, it’s just embarrassing. If your pride isn’t accessible then it cannot claim to be inclusive.
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I spent over 9 hours in A&E last night bc my feeding tube flipped into my stomach and I couldn’t stop vomiting. I had to have meds injected bc there was no point swallowing pills. Then at hour 6, got a text saying the DWP is reviewing my PIP entitlement and I just had to laugh.
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Hope theatre twitter keeps up this energy when disabled performers and theatre makers tell you how unbelievably inaccessible theatre is both as a disabled audience member and an artist. Some of us can't even get on the fucking stage and youre all attacking Alison Hammond ?.
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Please donate if you can and if you can’t, please share. I’ll miss our chats x.
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I’ve had genuinely the nicest few days like a sick weekend, but the number of men saying totally uncalled for shit about my wheelchair has spiked like mad. So I’ve decided I’m gonna start barking at them. “What dyou need that for?”. BARK BARK BITCH.
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I’m not angry because I’m disabled, I’m angry because the world isn’t built for me or my community.
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If Hannibal Lecter died and had a headstone it would just say “He ate and left no crumbs��.
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Out now! You can watch me talk about Heartstopper, writing, disabled representation, some trans stuff and putting a sheet on my head and running away from a ghostbusters car x . Watch it or else.
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Tube flipped for the first time today and I was so brave and no one gave me a sticker 😤 . They replaced my whole jej extension while I was awake and I would not recommend someone jabbing a wire round ur stomach and intestines for 20 mins while u vibe staring at ur own xrays.
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Stop pushing wheelchair users without consent it’s literally so fucking weird and scary go away.
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Can’t believe I have to do grown up things like pay taxes, do filing, cook for myself everyday, deal in scrap metal, look my wife in the eye.
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Officially a master of the arts 😎 and I will be forcing everyone to address me as such . Very proud of myself :)
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Had a really nice evening and then was going home by myself and a car full of people decided to toot at me repeatedly and laugh at me presumably just for being outside in a wheelchair. Like their Saturday night was that dead, that that was entertaining to them, embarrassing tbh.
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The second thing is that sick and disabled children and children living in poverty should not have to go on national TV and give away personal medical and family information to beg for money for things that they should just be given without having justify themselves to millions.
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I will also say, I thought I would really care about my scars and what they looked like but mine actually ended up meeting in the middle and it’s very much noticeable, and I just really don’t care. People will always stare at me shirtless anyway, I have a hole in my abdomen.
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Finding out Eurovision is the day after my dissertation hand-in is the closest I’ve come to believing in god.
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The Elizabeth line is an absolute joke in terms of accessibility considering how brand fucking new it is, how stupidly fucking expensive it is, and how fucking long it took . Disabled people are always an afterthought.
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Kit was so genuinely kind and generous with his time. When I was 18 he took an interest in my silly little poems and helped me a lot despite being crazy busy. Rest in peace.
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I will say it’s made me a very angry person, the world is not accessible, the nhs and the treatment I need isn’t accessible, benefits are not accessible. But I have gained a community and a drive that I wouldn’t change for anything.
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I love being welcomed home to London by loud fox shagging outside my window at 2am.
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I'm not saying don't donate because like I said, I spent a lot of my teenage years being supported by these charities, but we do need to reconsider how we view charity, the government's responsibility, and how we view these children.
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In November 2018 I went to hospital for a severe asthma attack that nearly killed me, which was terrifying but also incredibly traumatic physically. I was in hospital for a month and left in a wheelchair.
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The emergency appointment I requested in OCTOBER for my deteriorating gastrointestinal condition which has meant that using my feeding tube is now causing me pain and my vomiting is considerably worse, has been moved to February and is on the phone. Watch me die out of pure spite.
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It’s that time of year where I take anti-nausea meds just so I can eat a mince pie 😈.
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And that wheelchair gave me my life back, even more so when I got a power chair. I started meeting other disabled people, I started acting again, I got my life back when I accepted that I was disabled.
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The trauma of the attack triggered dormant genetic conditions and co-morbidities I didn’t know I had. My mobility got worse, I couldn’t eat without vomiting, I was fainting when I stood for too long. It took months to accept that I needed one but eventually we bought a wheelchair.
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