Rachel McCartney
@RachelMComedy
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I'm aging like fine wine (in a basement, untouched).
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So was it a boy or a girl.
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Just because something's vegan doesn't mean it's cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend.
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On a cemetery walk, judging the age gaps on couples' tombstones.
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Hollywood can't decide whether 30 is when life ends or high school begins.
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Hahahaha 47% of Americans still plan to travel for Thanksgiving. Turns out when we clapped for healthcare workers at 7 PM we meant, "encore".
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Millennials yelling at Gen Z like "get off my parents' lawn".
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Mask under the nose is the "my dick is too big for condoms" of the face.
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I love when I try to unlock my iPhone in the morning and it's like "ummmmm we actually don't know a puffy bitch with one eye shut".
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2020: you can't hug your friends but for $6.32/mo you can see any of them naked.
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The friend zone is NOT a punishment. Dating me is a punishment.
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My therapist: your OCD is irrational. The government: you must wash your hands 19 times a day or your dad will die.
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Pete Davidson is the first guy to ever become famous for being straight.
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Gay people keep one secret for 10 years and then none for the rest of our lives.
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Stop being depressed about the past. You can't change it. Start being depressed about the future, because you can't change that either.
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Don't celebrate Rush Limbaugh's death. Mourn his life.
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"squirt is pee" then I'm about to have a lot of fun at this drug test.
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The government: "GREAT NEWS! You don't need a mask α΅Κ³ α΅βΏα΅α΅α΅Λ‘α΅ΚΈα΅α΅βΏα΅ α΅α΅βΏα΅αΆ αΆ¦α΅Λ’ anymore".
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Sorry I'm jumpy, I just spent 14 months afraid of the air.
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The two genders are "mentally ill in a way that gets you laid" and "mentally ill in a way that prevents you from getting laid".
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She's a ten but she's actually two fives stacked in a trench coat.
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Before coffee: I want to die. After coffee: Alright! Let's buy the rope.
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Parents are like "You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?".
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be off of this fucking planet.
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Liberal arts school be like "capitalism is exploitative, that will be $150,000".
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Guys, this is NOT March 2020. I had hope back then.
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Woke Christian girl: my pronouns are she, her, and His ππ»π.
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I'm the fattest I've ever been and will still be fucking everyone this summer. Thank you for your understanding.
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Eating pussy is hard. Why couldn't I have been a lesbian back in 1840 when all you had to do was write three aching letters and die of tuberculosis.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there's someone behind you.
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Um if corporations aren't people then how do you explain Pete Buttigieg.
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I can't stop laughing about this friendzoned goat
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I relate to CBD because I too am expensive and don't do anything.
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Millennials are honoring RBG's legacy by not retiring until we die.
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You think staying in your apartment for a few weeks is lonely? Think about the 1.5 million senior citizens who have been living this way for years on end in nursing homes. Now go visit them.
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I may not have a partner, but I do have a rich life full of wonderful close friends who are always there to tell me "aw that sucks".
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But imagine having a pussy so tight it halts 12% of world trade.
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Men will literally die for you and then come back three days later instead of going to therapy.
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This is huge: Cuomo's marijuana legalization bill will expunge past convictions for marijuana and sexual harassment.
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Not having covid in NY right now is such a flex because it means you don't even know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who went to SantaCon.
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Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.
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Hey guys, so I've realized that Twitter, as much as I enjoy it sometimes, is having a seriously negative impact on my mental health and sucking up untold hours of my life. So I've decided to try to get a lot more followers to justify it.
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Depression is not when you listen to Phoebe Bridgers. Depression is when you listen to Macklemore just to pretend it's 2012.
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I'm at a Christmas Eve dinner with friends in Brooklyn, the women are all cooking and the men are all sitting around discussing gender roles.
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Therapist: and what do we do when we feel this way?. Me: keep giving you money. Therapist: yes.
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MAN: I'm depressed. My best years are behind me and nothing makes me laugh anymore. DOCTOR: I'm prescribing you 50mg of Zoloft. Pagliacci is in town but don't waste your money, I saw him last night and he's a washed-up hack.
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I have both and depression is better than anxiety, sorry. Anxiety makes you obsessive and clingy and will cause everyone to leave you. Depression makes you apathetic and withdrawn and that's a fucking power move.
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I put my leftover dinner in a takeout container last night and dumped it onto my plate this morning and now it looks like it costs $47
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When I was a little girl my abusive father would come home every night and scream about how I deserved healthcare until I cried.
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I love capitalism! When this is over, every nurse will be a millionaire! Right?.
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I believe platonic friendships can be just as meaningful as romantic relationships. You shouldn't need to have sex with someone to text them "you broke my heart" at 11 AM.
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Ok I finally watched the Simone Biles vault video. It's genuinely a miracle she's alive. I now understand why conservatives are so furious she quit: this is fundamentally about whether people should have to die for their employer.
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The biggest lie of therapy is that self-awareness is the cure to mental illness, rather than its primary cause.
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I just lost a friend to omicron. He's still alive, we're just not friends anymore.
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People will be like "ew, strippers just pretend to like you for money" and then go to therapy.
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I tested positive on 2/26 after developing symptoms on 2/25. Today, I finally got a call from NY Test & Trace telling me I *must* stay in isolation until yesterday.
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CDC is always like "we are following the science, from thirty paces behind so we don't spook it".
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I hate lower backs. All they ever do is hurt and get jizzed on.
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Instagram is for narcissists, Twitter is for narcissists with body dysmorphia.
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I legit thought this woman's therapist hated me for a second
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Motto last year: do one thing each day that scares you. Motto now: do one thing each day.
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This feels like SportsCenter for finding out if we all die.
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Bill Clinton: *leaves his name on a pedophile's flight logs 26 times*. QAnon, trying to prove he's a pedophile: "We think your wife owns a pizza shop".
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You want me to fuck a millennial? The thing that killed Applebee's?.
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Women do not expire at 30. Elizabeth Warren threw her first rape victim under the bus at 70. You have time.
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Polyamorous people love board games because they combine their two favorite things: rules and wasting time.
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Bernie Sanders is proof that Jews don't control the media.
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The boy in this story is an absolute king. Imagine insulting someone so viciously they dedicate the rest of their life to homework.
Iβll NEVER forgot when a boy in my high school chemistry class told me βYouβll never work at NASAβ and laughed at me. That was the day I decided to become an engineer.
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When I was closeted, I used to cry every Sunday morning. But now that I'm openly gay, I cry every Saturday night.
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My anxiety does not define me. It only defines my personality, worldview, and relationships with others.
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Really hope we can nail the guy who's killed 135,000 Americans on tax fraud soon.
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(youth pastor voice) You know who else didn't have a bed frame?.
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"John Mulaney left his wife for Olivia Munn, he's just like every other male comedian πππ" bitch, if he were just like every other male comedian he would have left his wife for Olivia Rodrigo.
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I've been seeing these terms misused a lot, so let's clear things up:. An π²π
ππΏπΌππ²πΏπ gets their energy from being around people. An πΆπ»ππΏπΌππ²πΏπ gets their energy from telling people they're an introvert.
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September 2021. The pandemic is over, but nothing will ever be the same. The virus wiped out half our parents, and we had to say goodbye over Skype. But today, groups are allowed to gather again, and standup comedy returns. The first comedian takes the mic. "Dating's been hard".
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Love that society lets me call myself a "dog person" instead of "absolutely fucking starving for physical affection".
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Always remember that being open about mental illness makes you brave but that displaying symptoms of mental illness makes you bad.
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We don't all want to be temporarily overvalued because of Reddit but without any workable plan, that's a you thing dude.
The truth is we all want to be GameStop.
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Republicans pass restrictive laws for every single part of the Bible, except the part about how human behavior causes floods.
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The best part of being an adult is having your own ice cream you can eat straight out of the container and not have to dirty a bowl, and the worst part is everything else.
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March 2020: I'll write a book with all this free time. January 2021: maybe I should try heroin.
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I have mild depression, which means I'm not going to take my own life or do anything with it.
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Intersectional feminism is when you hit a man with your car.
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I'm not homophobic. Some of my best friends are gay, according to me, when we're playing Madden.
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What I've learned from dating women is that sex isn't about penetration. It's about controlling people emotionally.
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Admitting you have a problem is the first step to making it your whole personality.
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Crazy when a super hot person is a leftist. When the fuck did YOU have to learn empathy.
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