Racc
@RaccoonEggs
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professional absent parent | https://t.co/7YxrT4W0Mp
Joined December 2015
Storm area 51 with pride flags so if they shoot you it's a queer hate crime.
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Wendy’s will claim their food is fresh and never frozen but then have the audacity to serve you a drink with ice.
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Every day this generation grows older we get closer to seeing “deadass” in a crossword puzzle.
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Before slavery was abolished, every bedroom was a master bedroom.
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I’m paying 70 dollars a night for an Airbnb with no kitchen and now they’re arguing upstairs about whether or not to kick me out because I tried heating my food with a lighter.
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My 5 year old nephew says chicken as “jicken” and it’s the cutest thing ever. I just want to kick his fucking teeth in. I don’t have a nephew.
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If land is made up of tectonic plates, then floods are just Earth washing the dishes.
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I knew a kid in 1st grade that was a really good rapper but he got hit by a bus and forgot how to talk so now he’s just the instrumental version.
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Why do people lick their fingers before turning the page in a book and not just lick the whole corner of the book.
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I don’t use Touch ID on my phone cause I might forget my fingerprint.
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For every shitty meme reply I get to my tweets I purposefully delay the next video by a day.
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Your kids are like fucked up drawings of yourself, and your dick is the pen.
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in class: 2+2=4. exam: Kevin has 13 dead hookers in his hotel room, he spins one on a roulette table and tries to land the ball in its mouth, the hooker flies out of the hotel room window and ricochets off a telephone pole into an uncovered manhole. How much money did Kevin win?.
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racc its 4 am stop tweeting go to sleep are you high please say sike delete this are you ok lay off the weed that’s enough twitter for today jazz music stops.
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Do you think anybody’s ever gotten the same rock caught in their shoe twice.
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Hitting the vape is for pussies, I drink the vape juice and sneeze out the vapor.
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I panicked and threw my router at a spider the size of my hand.
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Why don’t they make hourglasses already upside-down so I don’t have to wait for the fucking sand.
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Starting in 2020,. • Pinocchio wanting to be a real boy is transphobic. • The Nesquik bunny is cultural appropriation. • Giving a mime “mad props” is a microaggression. • Talking is offensive to deaf people.
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Getting circumcised is just the biological equivalent of removing the silencer.
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I accidentally left the freezer door open last night and a bunch of ice crawled out and stole the whole refrigerator.
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For my high school science fair project I microwaved a car battery with my face right up against the glass giving a big dumbfuck smile to see if the shrapnel would ricochet off my teeth.
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Hijacking a plane shouldn’t be illegal, all you’re doing is taking over for the pilot once he gets sleepy forever.
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If you get beaten up by a bald guy, does that mean that Mr. Clean did you dirty.
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How are you supposed to hold a nonstick pan if it doesn’t have a stick.
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*picking up a girl at the bar*. “I’m the guy that makes the patterns for bic lighters”.
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Aren’t all dishes technically handwashed because you have to put them in the dishwasher with your hands.
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I shot a bitch with an arrow and she fell in love with the ground.
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Nothing gets me up in the morning quite like generalizing the entire human race off of a lifetime of being surrounded by shitty people and instinctually pushing away people that actually care about you as a result and coffee.
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You haven’t lived in the hood until you’ve seen a homeless guy drag an entire whale carcass filled with plastic to the grocery store bottle return.
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Crazy how you can feel a baby kicking inside the womb but once you lasso it into a river it can’t swim for shit.
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Doctors in China don’t ask if you want an abortion, they just ask if you want takeout or delivery.
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If you bust a nut to porn and then your computer bluescreens, does that mean its a boy.
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I wonder if artists that rap about illegal drugs are on an FBI playlist.
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Love is a pair of crooked teeth, and I’m looking for someone to be my retainer.
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What’s the point of sunglasses if you can just rub sunscreen on your eyeballs.
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I’m glad I’m losing my verification, now the phishing links and gift card scams can weed out the weaklings in a sick twisted battle royale of cyber-natural selection.
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Peoples' eyes are the same color, which means they have homochromia. Therefore everyone on earth is homo.
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Fuck off with the daily Raid: Shadow Legends sponsorship offers, if I wanted a good PvE campaign I’d get a job as a watchtower sniper on the Mexican border.
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Having never met anyone like you is the second loneliest feeling ever, right behind being a deaf orphan chained to a radiator.
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Crazy how there’s probably people out there who used to run up the slide as a kid that now have no legs, or are just straight up dead.
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Every time I see a lifeguard rescue a drowning kid, it just seems like the lifeguard is flexing that they can swim better. It would be less ableist if they just drowned with them so they don’t feel alone.
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Took down the new vid, wasn’t happy with it, I know I can do better.
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If you suck on a flute instead of blow you can play any song backwards.
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My monitor cable broke yesterday so I tried editing with muscle memory, got a new cable today just to find that I somehow deleted the recycle bin.
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Imagine if you tried to send a letter via carrier pigeon and the pigeon just flew back home and fucked his wife using your letter as a condom.
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My friend’s phone glitched and sent me the same text twice, I ended up staring at it for an hour cause I thought he was challenging me to a game of spot the difference.
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Yeah I’m in an open relationship, my wife can bring home any guy she wants because that’s what my little sugar snatch deserves. Eyes quiver, heartbeat flies with colors. The static is warm, feels like rain. Fading from existence, a quiet embrace. The day of judgement draws forth.
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I have a 3 hour layover, say something that will make me laugh.
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Put my whole ribcage under my pillow and waited for the rib fairy, bitch gave me a rack for a rack, now I got droopy back.
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If you shove the handle of a knife into an electric pencil sharpener it makes a power drill. Try this at home.
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My cousin is a flat-birther, he thinks babies are flat and that their third dimension is an optical illusion caused by having round eyeballs.
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Dating advice: If you say “lip balm” next to a TSA agent they’re legally required to shove their whole hand in your mouth.
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I get the motivation to edit for once and within the first few minutes I accidentally delete a recording that makes up over half the video.
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I defeated millions in a vaginal skirmish just to tweet jokes from a swivel chair.
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A peppermint is like the founding of America because the red eventually washes out until it’s just white.
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Configuring update for Windows 10.35% complete.Do not turn off your computer
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I’m glad my favorite social media influencer tells me everything will be okay so I don’t have to waste effort on treating my life-threatening jaundice.
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I’m gonna tie an angry pitbull to a post in my front yard to deter trick-or-treaters, and then tie a bowl of candy to its back to see if anyone’s desperate enough.
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I woke up to the sound of my neighbors mowing their lawn and immediately thought there were bees in the walls.
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The best way to make friends is to express yourself in a way that will attract people with common interests, like faking a heart attack in a senior care home.
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Any gun can be a staple gun if it’s a staple of your household.
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Had my video nearly done and now my PC won’t turn on, there’s been a fucking toxic mold outbreak in the house I just moved to that’s making me sick, and my previous landlord jumped states with my security deposit, 2019 is gonna be a good year.
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You haven't tasted true defeat until you've gotten into a snowball fight with an albino boy.
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Or are all dishes dishwasher-washed because your hands are a dishwasher. Fuck.
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Just burned the shit out of a turkey and my whole kitchen looks like a Native American smoke signal.
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we should stop using capital letters it's offensive to people with all lower case names.
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My doctor diagnosed me with failure to thrive, this is probably karma for saying that Eugenia Cooney jumping in a pool sounds like a Snapchat notification.
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Casts and braces both straighten out bones but braces take way longer, so we could save a lot of time by just putting peoples’ teeth in tiny casts.
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A recent autopsy revealed that Epstein died by autoerotic asphyxiation after attempting to use a loaf of prison bread to recreate what he referred to as a “peanut butter and Jeffery sandwich”.
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Nobody is being their honest selves on the internet, take everything you read with an entire salt shaker. Also, just found out I’m preggers.
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You know what they say about guys with big feet, they have big shoes.
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