Punked Fakert
@PunkedFakert
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Former member of #FrumTwitter . Loser of #ftoty2022 finals. Husband, father, shvugger. #ftoty2022 winner.
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Joined August 2019
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and zuckerberg said to God "what if ten righteous people can be found on facebook?" and God said "I will not destroy it if there are ten"
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You'd think that someone who hid in the Capitol bathroom fearing for her life would have a little more sympathy for millions of Israelis hiding in bomb shelters fearing for their lives
Utterly shameful for Yang to try to show up to an Eid event after sending out a chest-thumping statement of support for a strike killing 9 children, especially after his silence as Al-Aqsa was attacked.
But then to try that in Astoria? During Ramadan?! They will let you know.
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A reality show that just shows chaotic families during the 18 minutes before shabbos
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the actual number of people at the rally was really closer to 500,000 once you factor in the women and the men below twenty and above sixty
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When you wake up at 11:30 but your tefillin is in the beis medrash
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my mother taught me to run away if guys like this ever offer me ice cream
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*Important reminder*
It is an aveira to remind a ger that he used to be a Knick.
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Netanyahu: Guys while I have you here, one more thing?
*Stands up*
״שמעו נא רבותי דיינים מומחים...״
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What did Sisra say when he met Yael?
(sephardim and chabad chassidim conclude the joke here)
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I'm not sure what they put in here but I hope it's not dead goyim legs
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Breaking: US military plane returns to Kabul after Jewish passenger reportedly took off her mask
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This is like if Cuomo decided to write a book on how to deal with a pandemic
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*local shabbos goy asks his frum neighbor to turn on his oven during thanksgiving dinner*
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The halftime show is like yizkor when all the kids have to go out and some old man lets everyone know when it's safe to return.
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*friday night*
[Steinmetz motions to the catcher to approach the mound...puts his glove over his mouth]
Jacob: can you say vayechulu with me?
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BMG parking lot has bigger craters and cars in worse shape than this
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Woman: I feel kicking every time I pass a basketball court and every time I pass a yeshiva!
Rabbi: I can tell you the explanation but you're never going to believe me Mrs. Stoudemire.
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It’s a good thing the angel didn’t hit Yaakov in his prime rib
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What did the animals say when they left the teiva?
"Shkoiach reb noach"
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*At a vaccination center*
Nurse: Sorry sir you are not eligible for a vaccine right now
Me [stroking the white hair in my beard]: Behold I am like seventy years old!!
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A strong statement from the Mayor like this one may be helpful right now for the Jews getting beaten in the streets of NYC
My message to the Jewish community, and all communities, is this simple: the time for warnings has passed. I have instructed the NYPD to proceed immediately to summons or even arrest those who gather in large groups. This is about stopping this disease and saving lives. Period.
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Joey Newcomb's name used to be Joe, but Hashem took the Y from Yishay Ribo and gave it to him.
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A peaceful transfer of power is when the chazzan for pisukei dezimra calmly walks away from the amud after nishmas
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*overheard in yeshiva*
"What type of cholent are you getting pfizer or moderna?"
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I usually don't get personal here but I'd like to tell you about my
#myorthodoxlife
.
Today at 1:03 I had a juicy burger with some dry red wine while shaving and sitting in a pool and listening to music.
Who said you can't be orthodox and free and enjoy life's pleasures.
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*teaneck gabbai confidently tries to say the molad in yiddish after taking the duolingo course*
(spoiler: he butchered it)
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Big shout out to the guy who says the first bracha of shmoneh esrei in 2.5 seconds so that he can say mashiv haruach out loud
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Today's kids will never know what it's like to huddle around the radio on a snowy morning and wait for your school's name to be listed among the school cancellations
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🚨🚨If you don't have keys or you don't bake challah there is still a HUGE segula for parnassah!
Just say this small tefillah with kavana during mincha today ⬇️⬇️
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every israeli restaurant be like why don't you stare at rav ovadia and the baba sali while you stuff your face with shwarma
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Fun 9 days prank:
1. Finish a mesechta
2. Send out a siyum invite to all your friends
3. Write "come hungry"
4. Serve penne alla vodka
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Report: Mother does not allow boys to skip minyan and makes them go to shul
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a frum lady in a tichel is not very threatening unless of course it is erev yom tov and she just washed the kitchen floor
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Just voted in lakewood and zeldin wasn't even on the ballot. They're going to steal this election.
@leezeldin
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Report: Woman calls police after her Teaneck son doesn't tweet what he read over shabbos (NYP)
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Looking to form a minyan for Mincha tomorrow in Central Park.
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every single thing I bought came in plastic but I couldn't carry it out in a plastic bag
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*Brisker discovers he's really a goy*
Brisker: Ribono shel olam!! All this time I've been making a bracha levatala when I said shelo asani goy!!
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My son asked me "why are they talking so much about the Holocaust?"
I said "because this is what they died for and this is how we survived".
#SiyumHaShas
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It's really nice that the Mayor reserves his "tough love" for the ultra-Orthodox.
It's almost like we're his chosen people.
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A reminder that the results of the election was already decided 5 weeks ago today & we all need to relax and trust in Hashem that whatever happens will ultimately be good.
One more thing: the only thing that wasn't determined 5 weeks ago is how we decide to treat our fellow Jew
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So I guess when they say "from the river to the sea" they're referring to the Hudson
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I hope jacob steinmetz can one day win the cy young israel award
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The real reason I don't go to a hotel for pesach is because it would be very awkward to knock out my son's teeth in front of so many people
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Things that are permitted after Tisha Bav:
1. Music
2. Haircuts
3. Laundry
4. Sinas chinam
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I woke up early to eat before the fast and when I went downstairs there was a man with a white beard eating the cookies I prepared
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They always find the best panelists to talk about antisemitism
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For tomorrow's impeachment hearing Trump's lawyer will just go with the age-old Jewish custom of wearing a yankees cap
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Signs your husband may be dropping out of Daf Yomi:
1. He skips the shiur because he wants to "spend more time with you"
2. He talks about the importance of learning b'iyun
3. He has 45 unread messages on his Daf WhatsApp chat
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If you're eating free chollent given out by the city you don't need to worry about what's in the vaccine
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thinking about how chaotic life would be without whatsapp.
like how would we raise money for yeshivas, send packages to monsey, know what time maariv is, find someone baking challah, or see two day old tweets from
@aimhumor
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Bought my wife a blue and white dress in honor of yom haatzmaut
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Me: can you get me a sufganiyah?
Wife: it's too early for sufganiyots!
Me: it's never too early
Wife: it's 5am go back to sleep!
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a cholov yisroel milk ad but instead of peoeple with milk mustaches they have milk on their nose from smelling the container
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No
Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks died on Saturday, just as Joe Biden was declared the new President of the United States. An intellectual and spiritual hero leaves us, while a new global leader emerges. Is it possible to connect the two?
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*Guy who corrected bal korei 15 times during koheles seen drinking bourbon and pounding beef jerky after davening*
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my wife put a key in the challah and now she cant find the challah🤦♀️
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Frum LinkedIn today: In 2022 I will grow my business 10X, speak at 45 conferences, and write 2,000 linkedin posts
Frum Twitter today: which meme is better kermit singing mimkomcha or challah with peyos smoking a cigarette
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Nevada will resume counting votes tomorrow, without a bracha of course.
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I went to Orlando for winter vacation and all I got was a nazi salute
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why is he bringing a pack n play to spring training
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Yevonim: Are you cooking gefilte fish and matzo balls??!!
Jews: No no we're just cooking dreidels
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bottle of wine: $14
box of chocolate: $12
wrapped in cellophane: $65
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