Phil Hanley
@PhilMhanley
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Media
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Statuses
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You know you’re drinking a lot when drinking at home is getting expensive.
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Just looking at Brad and Angelina's kids. I think she was cheating on him the whole time.
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There’s like 3 ppl on the planet that would notice this mistake.
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My album drops today! Just in time for you to confuse your friends and family by giving them a Canada Day gift (July 1st). Link below:
Listen to ‘Please Don’t Chit-Chat While I’m Pursuing My Dream’ by
@philmhanley
, available now!!
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Always one of my favorite weekends...SF!!!
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My new comedy special premieres tonight at 8pm (EST) here's a link
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Some couples are embarrassed they met online. They should be happy and proud. Just think before the internet you would have died alone.
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So proud of
@michelleisawolf
great comic, great friend. Those who were offended, clearly comedy is not their thing.
#WHCD
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People are criticizing Melania's speech but I agree with her I think her husband Barack will be a great president.
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As a non American waiting for the results is stressful! Now I know how Americans must have felt during the last Canadian election.
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I just thanked a NYC bus driver and now I'm scared I'm going to get deported back to Canada.
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Obama should have spent less time providing health care for millions and more time tearing Mad TV a new one.
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Someone who has never used the expression spirit animal is my spirit animal.
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Weird week guys...a bunch of nude photo's of my X's got leaked online.
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Curling is back on! I love it because it combines marbles and chores.
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Hi Everybody, I'm excited to announce that my new album is available for pre-order today! It's located here:
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Let's hope that 2015 is the year that we stop pointing at each other in pictures.
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Breakfast in bed by yourself has a slight terminally ill vibe.
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Americans, I'll admit Boxing Day is an odd name if you acknowledge that Black Friday is also questionable.
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It's always jarring when someone you think is smarter than you posts a selfie.
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Vancouver comics and comedy fans
@joemachi
is
@YukYuksVan
this weekend. He's one of my all time favorite comics. The real deal when it comes to writing great jokes and being a mediocre friend.
#keepingjoe
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I was trying to spell "diagnosed" and spell check's suggestion was "piano". My point is I was pianoed with dyslexica when I was ten.
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Does anyone on the internet remember the movie Back To The Future?
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If you're often offended by comedy maybe it's not your thing.
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I guess today was the "historical turn out" Trump was talking about yesterday.
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Isn't it weird that Kanye West is suppose to be the most stylish guy in the world and he has a goatee?
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If I was Obama I would start every speech with "I am so fucking tired".
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My GF just critiqued one of my new bits "there's a difference between observations and just dumb shit"
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I've been spending a lot of time at Penn Station, in case you have questions about homeless people masturbating.
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Giving Florida so much say is like letting your craziest friend make all your plans for the next four years.
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If I don't have a nap in the afternoon, I call it pulling an all dayer.
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People don't believe I used to be a model until they find out I can barely read.
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My rock
@RachelFeinstein
and I celebrating
@DaveJuskow
s first appearance on the
@NYCComedyCellar
line up sheet.
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I meditate for 20 minutes every morning. It helps reduce the stress of being 20 minutes late for everything.
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Anyone who says I need to update my terminology past 2005 needs to chillax.
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I can't for this one!! Joe is one of the best on the planet!
New special drops in a couple hours. 10 eastern. 7 pacific. Come join the fun.
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Yes, long distance relationships are harder but long distance break ups are so much easier.
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Pence should use his conversion techniques to get a straight answer from Trump about his relationship with Putin.
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One of my all time favorite comics
@toddbarry
has a new special on
@NetflixIsAJoke
happy Boxing Day 🇨🇦
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If an amateur comic hands me a business card I know they're going to make it.
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An episode of Shark Tank is the most math I’ve done since high school.
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All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
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I saw a bunch of these shows...this is going to be killer!!!
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Friend: I didn’t know PornHub was on Twitter
Me: I didn’t know we were out of things to talk about
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What they don't tell you about working out at home is that you have to be a psychopath to do it.
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Signed into hotel wifi in AZ without reading the "terms and conditions" and I'm scared I just voted for Trump.
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I’m at
@punchlinesf
June 5-8. Tickets available on there website.
#Dyslexia
#dyslexics
#standup
#jokes
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Some people try to connect with me about being dyslexic by saying "my handwriting is so bad, I can barely read my writing." Yeah well, my spelling is so bad, I can barely read my typing.
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Just found out my GF's emotional support dog has no formal training not even an online coarse.
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A little disappointed with the lack of violence on the show "Beat Bobby Flay".
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This is the first generation where dads dress like their kids.
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When breaking the news to someone that you can't attend their wedding it softens the blow if you promise to be at their next one.
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Not only am I comfortable with gay marriage, I’m also cool with the grown man at Starbucks eating a cake pop.
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It used to be a compliment to say that maybe your child will grow up to be president. Now it's cause for concern.
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Booked the gig three months ago. Given content restrictions 5 minutes before show time.
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Everyone post a picture of their favorite gender neutral child magician.
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"People say I should be a comedian" is always the beginning of an enlightening conversation.
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When I meet someone that prides them selves on there music knowledge I say "I heard Jacob Dylan's dad also a plays"
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Simply based on the food options, I would have loved being a road comic when I was a kid.
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Whenever my phone is fully charged I can't help saying to myself "and she said my life was a mess"
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The opposite of aging like fine wine is aging like tribal armbands.
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The best way for a woman to guarantee I wear a condom is to tell me that I don't need to wear a condom.
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I'm going to invest my Trump University settlement with a Nigerian prince I met online.
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My "Modern According to Jim" tweeter account is not taking off.
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You can measure how much you love someone by how long you wait to check your phone after sex.
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It’s slways nice to see my old pals! I had a blast recording this episode.
Well, what have we here? It's
@PhilMHanley
. He's back on the podcast, answering our questions about the Grateful Dead.
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Canada our movie is on iTunes🇨🇦.
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The first time you tell someone you love them, it should be special so pick an emoji wisely.
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Tomorrow night I'm doing a long set at the Fat Black Lounge go to
@NYCComedyCellar
() for tickets
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SUNDOWNERS IN NYC AND LA
NYC: screening Dec 15-21 at Cinema Village with Q&A’s all week presented by the Comedy Cellar with guest moderators including Colin Quinn! Tix available now.
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Men that make lifetime commitments to a hairstyle always pick the wrong one.
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