Peep Show Quotes
@PeepShowQOTD
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"Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall."
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"Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you've killed is not one of them."
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"Suze came round the office to give me a piece of her mind, and ended up giving me a piece of her ass."
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298
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(Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course, I'm the one who's laughing, because I actually love brown toast.)
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"You promised not to tell."
"Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world."
http://t.co/wxo2en2m17
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"I thought you were getting the turkey."
"You what? No turkey? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot!"
22
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(Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course, I'm the one who's laughing, because I actually love brown toast.)
12
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"I'M TOO BLOODY HUNGRY TO JUMP! I'M STARVING, IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU CAN'T MAKE A HUNGRY MAN JUMP!"
27
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"I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just... you know... fuck off."
22
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"Fuck you, Bush.
It's time to get out of Iraq, Bush.
What were you even doing there in the first place, Bush?
You didn't even get properly elected, Bush.
Are you happy now, Bush?
Fuck you, Bush!"
26
816
3K
"I've got a 32'' plasma in mine. You get a document up on that baby and you are seriously looking at that document."
27
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"People like lager and nuts."
"People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people Jeremy."
http://t.co/1cTfboQXpr
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"I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just... you know... fuck off."
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"Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall."
http://t.co/lgKc59f1OK
45
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"Just open your gob and someone will slip in something tasty. A pill, a nipple, bit of fried halloumi. Lovely."
21
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"I thought you were getting the turkey."
"You what? No turkey? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!"
33
490
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"Long weekend looking into the mirror."
"Oh right, bit of soul-searching, was it?"
"Cocaine, Mark. Cocaine."
17
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"You promised not to tell!"
"Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world."
7
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"Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to 'relax him' for his speech."
"It didn't relax him?"
25
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(This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC, and have a whole Bargain Bucket, or I could join Al-Qaeda!)
22
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"Just us, a pile of Chinese food and a couple of fuck off spreadsheets."
(OH YES, TAKE ME JOHNSON!)
28
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"Everything's looking promising, but I need to inform you that you're all officially unemployed."
21
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"Real men don't get the earth to help carry their luggage, mate. They carry it themselves."
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"You know, Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked. You know? Everything's fucked."
6
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(Is he getting baptised? I can't let him out of my sight for a minute.)
18
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"It's not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth, and a little pill with a chicken on it is not gonna change that. Now, come on. Fuck off."
25
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"It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman."
2
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(Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition.)
18
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"Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you've killed is not one of them."
26
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"How's your love life?"
"Love life may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus."
15
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"I've got some news, big news."
"Oh, yes?" (Please don't say you're pregnant, please don't say you're pregnant.)
"I'm pregnant."
(FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!)
19
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(This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC, and have a whole Bargain Bucket, or I could join Al-Qaeda!)
10
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"Resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?"
"No, not the Hootenanny! Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that."
15
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"Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone that knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?"
14
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"In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be £530."
9
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(I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.)
5
897
1K
"People like lager and nuts."
"People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people Jeremy."
10
427
1K
"Just open your gob and someone will slip in something tasty. A pill, a nipple, bit of fried halloumi. Lovely."
18
1K
1K
"Just us, a pile of Chinese food and a couple of fuck off spreadsheets."
(OH YES, TAKE ME JOHNSON!)
33
154
1K
(This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC, and have a whole Bargain Bucket, or I could join Al-Qaeda!)
8
132
1K
"What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread. See, the longer the note the more dread."
11
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"Nobody is gonna die, this is Southern England, nobody dies in Southern England, Jeremy, that just doesn't happen."
10
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(Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition.)
14
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"Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes are just Frosties for wankers."
11
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(Think she's spotted it, just... yeah, that's right, sweetheart. Ergonomic management keyboard.)
20
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"Would you be interested?"
(I would literally stab a baby to do it.)
7
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"Fuck you, Bush.
It's time to get out of Iraq, Bush.
What were you even doing there in the first place, Bush?
You didn't even get properly elected, Bush.
Are you happy now, Bush?
Fuck you, Bush!"
11
213
1K
(I've been initiated. I am a drug user, fuck the police!)
15
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"Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone that knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?"
http://t.co/DjxWkoz4ND
25
1K
1K
"I've got a 32'' plasma in mine. You get a document up on that baby and you are seriously looking at that document."
19
790
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"A sausage has gone! Oh my God, Jeremy! A sausage is missing!"
15
214
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"Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to 'relax him' for his speech."
"It didn't relax him?"
http://t.co/wqD2IQbFJ0
36
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"It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke."
3
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"Often, Mark, you ejaculate quite a long time before I've had time to feel like I've started to enjoy our sex."
12
125
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(This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC, and have a whole Bargain Bucket, or I could join Al-Qaeda!)
7
192
1K
"You're like a life support machine, Mark."
"Thank you Sophie."
"Except, instead of giving life you SUCK IT ALL OUT."
7
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"The man was responsible for the deaths of 60 million people. I don't want him on my chest."
"60 million, that's more than Stalin, isn't it?"
"It's not a competition, Soph. Although if it was, Mao would probably win."
8
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"You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy."
14
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"Drugs, birds and physical labour. Them's me specialties."
10
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"It'll freak 'em out! What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink."
12
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(Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game!) "Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial."
17
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"I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just... you know... fuck off."
18
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"Long weekend looking into the mirror."
"Oh right, bit of soul-searching, was it?"
"Cocaine, Mark. Cocaine."
http://t.co/QFtLiBvVGW
11
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"It's leather but it has lapels, so I can wear it to work."
"Yeah, if you start working for the Gestapo."
5
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"You know, Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked. You know? Everything's fucked."
http://t.co/ge8658L56U
25
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"Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting!"
(I am James Bond.)
21
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"Either that or I'm an incredibly hard-to-detect paedo!"
21
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"Do you believe in Jesus?"
"Of course I don't believe in Jesus, but… I do believe in Christmas. I'm a Christmasist."
11
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(She's taken my sperm. And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver; you can't really ask for it back.)
7
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(I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux and his wry smile at the orgy.)
4
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"You're not allowed to be depressed."
"Why not?"
"Because you're freeloading on my trauma. You're a grief thief."
2
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984
(I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.)
5
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"I have a mouth but do not speak, I have a bed but never sleep - What am I?"
"A river."
"Nicholas Lyndhurst."
9
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"Take a look at my stomach. Let's have a look at yours."
(Oh, God.)
"Which is better?"
(Could claim mine is better?)
19
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"The Big Beat manifesto goes 'Big beats are the best, get high all the time'."
http://t.co/cf4a2r7UsS
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(Is he getting baptised? I can't let him out of my sight for a minute.)
14
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"Now pass me the Doritos or I'll blow my brains out!"
11
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"It's a pisser though, innit? Cancer. They should find a fucking cure."
"I think they're trying."
"Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out."
5
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