Peep Show Script
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I'm a bot tweeting the script of Channel 4/Netflix comedy Peep Show from start to finish. Currently on Season 9 Episode 5: Kid Farm
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Joined May 2019
Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?
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Super Hans: Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you've got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall. [pours cereal onto floor]
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Jeremy: I think the truth is, basically, I've been bored ever since 9/11.
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Super Hans: Tell you what, that crack is really moreish.
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Mark: You what? No turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy, you total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are, a fucking shit head!!
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Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?
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Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.
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Jeremy: Mark? Are you stirring your coffee very quietly without chinking the side, so I can't hear, and you don't have to make one for me?
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Mark: Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world.
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Super Hans: You got any olives? I've gone fucking mental for olives.
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Super Hans: The big beat manifesto goes, "Big beats are the best, get high all the time."
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Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread. [Holds down on one key on the keyboard.] See, the longer the note, the more dread.
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Super Hans: [To bartender] Pint of Guinness please, no logo on the foam.
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Mark: You what? No Turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy, you total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are, a fucking shithead!
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Alan: In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be five hundred and thirty pounds.
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Mark: My name is Mark Corrigan and I am an honourable man.
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Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out. What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink, yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.
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Mark: I've been feeling a little low lately but. [smokes a cigarette]
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Mark: A sausage has gone! Oh my God Jeremy, a sausage is missing! Is this what it's come to? I've got to carry my food around with me now to stop you from- right well, I'm sorry you've driven me to this.
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Mark: Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial. You might get an interdenominational, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.
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Jeremy: I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies forever.
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Mark: Hi guys. Party of four. Let me show you to a table. I'll grab you some menus but first can I get some nachos, margaritas or something soft for the little guys to kick you hombres off?
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Jeremy: Come on! He got married, didn't he? Leave him alone.
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Mark: Good one, Jeff. Chance would be a fine thing. A fine thing, indeed. (Hmm, saying that too often now.)
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Super Hans: Oh, right so now we're working it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?
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[Gail enters the kitchen and sees Mark attempting to piss in the jalapeño sauce]
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Super Hans: It's a pisser though, isn't it? Cancer. They should find a fucking cure.
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[Jez opens the cubicle door, revealing Super Hans inside]
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Super Hans: You got any olives? I've gone fucking mental for olives.
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Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
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Jeremy: Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech.
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Jeremy: I think the truth is, basically, I've been bored ever since 9/11.
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Super Hans: Fuck off! I heard of The Strokes before you.
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Jeremy: (I'm sleeping in a bin bag. I'm human rubbish. My sixth form careers advisor was right all along. It's not even a thick green one for garden waste. This is black for landfill. I belong in landfill.)
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Jeremy: And you're off it all? Crack as well? But you love crack, it's your favourite!
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Super Hans: The twins. I'm always going on about me twins, aren't I?
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Super Hans: Jez, can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone that knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
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Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
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Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
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Super Hans: [Singing] Oh I just wanna fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Everyone! I just wanna fuck and suck. All the whole night through. I love cocaine! I love cocaine!
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Super Hans: Exactly. [Opens a can of lager and hands it to Jez] There you go chief, have a suck on that sauce bottle.
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Jeremy: Right. (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.) Oh well, that's all ancient history now!
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Alan: Tonight should be a free-fire ideas zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious, fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What, you think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
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Jeremy: Come on! He got married, didn't he? Leave him alone.
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Super Hans: [Singing] I am in loco parentis. I am the last remaining contestant on The Apprentice. I am the home-trained dentist. Aya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya.
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Super Hans: [Singing] Oh I just wanna fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Everyone! I just wanna fuck and suck. All the whole night through. I love cocaine! I love cocaine!
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Mark: Sorry, guys. I- I was going to, you know, kick it up the other end and just put one right in their fucking goal hole, but no dice. So, I hear something big might be happening for you guys on the other side of the pond?
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Super Hans: Yeah, they turned fünf, zwei years ago. So, what, pair of eight-ers, I reckon. I bloody love them two.
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Jeremy: It was a joke, Mark, I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
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Mark: (God, I'm running away. This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC and have a whole bargain bucket. Or I could join Al Qaeda. Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer. I do think, in a weird way, we had a connection. Fuck the Blockbusters fine, I'm going clear!)
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Mark: (Tube up his nose, tube up his nose. He's a man with a tube up his nose.)
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Mark: Wow! (I've been initiated. I am a drug user. Fuck the police!)
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Super Hans: Don't say crack Jez, yeah? Please, not now. Cos you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack, so can you not say crack?
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Jeremy: . I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on its way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.
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Jeremy: It was a joke, Mark, I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
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[Jez pulls a face at Barbara while Mark isn’t looking]
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Jeremy: (Suck Mummy's finger. Do I suck the finger?) [He sucks the finger]
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Mark: Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed, is not one of them.
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Super Hans: You're having thoughts again. I've told you about that shit.
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Mark: (Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself. They've no clue I came all in my pants.)
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Jeremy: Oh, me too. I adore to read, it's amazing, isn't it? Because a book, I always say, can be about anything.
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Mark: (OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day. Ha ha. Very funny.)
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Mark: Chicken tikka masala, balti tiger prawn, vegetable korma. I thought I'd really push the boat out. There's a naan and a half each.
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Sophie: Ah, you love people from the past, don't you Mark? Like Napoleon?
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Big Suze: You're a bit like a modern day eunuch aren't you Mark?
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Dobby: [Singing] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, Everybody quiet 'cause Jeff's doing a joke.
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Mark: Yeah well, Frosties are just Corn Flakes for people who can't face reality.
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Alan: You will not be informed of the meaning of Project Zeus until the time is right for you to know the meaning of Project Zeus.
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Mark: [In a high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back?
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Jeremy: [Sobbing] Everything's turned from gold into shit.
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Super Hans: The twins. I'm always going on about me twins, aren't I?
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Mark: We have an obligation to be anxious. It's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation.
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Jeff: No worries. Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her. You still wouldn't have the balls to fuck. See you later.
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Mark: You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that "you'd always wondered"?
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