Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?
Mark: You what? No turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy, you total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are, a fucking shit head!!
Super Hans: 'Course I have. The twins. The fuckin' twins! I'm always on about them. I bloody love them two. Here, I've got 'em on me phone. Oh, hold on, have I? Ah, I'll never forgive Orange if they've wiped the twins! Oh that is, that is shitty. Where are the bloody twins?
Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread. [Holds down on one key on the keyboard.] See, the longer the note, the more dread.
Mark: You what? No Turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy, you total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are, a fucking shithead!
Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out. What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink, yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.
Mark: A sausage has gone! Oh my God Jeremy, a sausage is missing! Is this what it's come to? I've got to carry my food around with me now to stop you from- right well, I'm sorry you've driven me to this.
Mark: Oh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial. You might get an interdenominational, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.
Mark: Hi guys. Party of four. Let me show you to a table. I'll grab you some menus but first can I get some nachos, margaritas or something soft for the little guys to kick you hombres off?
Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
Super Hans: You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA. But you've also got a fucking van, yeah? You're not just a man any more. You are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
Alan: Tonight should be a free-fire ideas zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious, fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What, you think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?
Super Hans: [Singing] I am in loco parentis. I am the last remaining contestant on The Apprentice. I am the home-trained dentist. Aya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya...
Super Hans: [Singing] Oh I just wanna fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Fuck and suck. Everyone! I just wanna fuck and suck. All the whole night through. I love cocaine! I love cocaine!
Mark: Sorry, guys. I- I was going to, you know, kick it up the other end and just put one right in their fucking goal hole, but no dice. So, I hear something big might be happening for you guys on the other side of the pond?
Mark: (God, I'm running away. This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC and have a whole bargain bucket. Or I could join Al Qaeda. Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer. I do think, in a weird way, we had a connection. Fuck the Blockbusters fine, I'm going clear!)
Jeremy: ...I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on its way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.
Mark: Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed, is not one of them.
Mark: (OK, here we go, wedding day. I am heading for a wedding. How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check. Alone? Check. Just another ordinary day. Ha ha. Very funny.)
Jeff: No worries. Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her. You still wouldn't have the balls to fuck. See you later.
Mark: (Look at me, I've got a girlfriend, a proper girlfriend reading a bestseller about child abuse. I go out and have croissants. I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)
Mark: It's remarkable, isn't it? That out of the three billion adult women in the world your one true soulmate happens conveniently to live in the same block of flats as you rather than, say, in a village in Mozambique?