Parody Bamford
@PatrickBamford_
Followers
12,932
Following
74
Media
53
Statuses
438
An officer, a gentleman and a footballer for Leeds United. Lover of the finer things including my Basset hound, Thatcher and horse, Diana. Parody.
Leeds, England
Joined February 2019
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Butler
• 705058 Tweets
الهلال
• 637702 Tweets
#KadınaVeÇocuğaDokunma
• 287645 Tweets
#TurkishWomenNeedHelp
• 165592 Tweets
#WWEBadBlood
• 145536 Tweets
Drew
• 95491 Tweets
Milton
• 71606 Tweets
Carvajal
• 64291 Tweets
Phillies
• 63307 Tweets
Yankees
• 48306 Tweets
Vini
• 29285 Tweets
Vandy
• 26607 Tweets
جيسوس
• 25727 Tweets
Bama
• 24808 Tweets
#precure
• 24465 Tweets
Wheeler
• 23489 Tweets
Iowa
• 23191 Tweets
Dark MAGA
• 22985 Tweets
الشوط الاول
• 22222 Tweets
Handi
• 21460 Tweets
Ohio State
• 18854 Tweets
فهد العتيبي
• 17458 Tweets
Vanderbilt
• 16001 Tweets
الشوط الثاني
• 15807 Tweets
Bayley
• 14748 Tweets
Hell in a Cell
• 13167 Tweets
Ave Maria
• 12997 Tweets
Macron
• 11333 Tweets
Hoffman
• 10064 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
Similar to Athletic Bilbao only utilising players from the Basque region, Sean Dyche only uses players with a forklift truck licence.
Patrick Bamford on why he couldn't get a game for Burnley. Jesus christ, Sean.
138
599
7K
34
342
3K
For those noting me on my mobile phone in the stand after being subbed off, I was merely uploading Pablo's pass to PornographyHub
#lufc
107
372
5K
Big shift from the boys, pleased to do my bit for the second goal. I've not completed 100 yards that quickly since I spotted the last bottle of Perrier-Jouet Belle Epoque at Waitrose
#lufc
33
156
2K
I hope Mr Southgate appreciated watching a striker square it yesterday. He knows where I am if he needs me
#lufc
31
146
2K
Congrats to
@Kalvinphillips
on his England call up, what every boy dreams of. Imagine my woe when I was told I was receiving an international call up only to answer the phone to Mick McCarthy. I'd not been that embarrassed since Luke Ayling beat me to a Countdown conundrum
#lufc
7
71
2K
I think we can all agree that Pepe spectacularly failed the "Is Gjanni An Annoying Opponent?" test
#lufc
17
77
2K
A hard fought point against a great side. Sad not to get 4 goals in 4 games. Although I did try my best, even with a diving header. Illan wasn't having any of it though
#lufc
27
59
2K
Disappointing result today but we take heart from the performance. Pleased to get on the scoresheet, admittedly against a poor defensive opponent (pictured)
#LUFC
17
85
2K
I phoned Gjanni this morning to see how he's coping in the lockdown. He's dismantled all of his furniture, drunk all the mustard and has been sat at the top of his stairs pretending he's on The Chase. But that's a normal Sunday for Gjanni
#lufc
14
132
2K
Great to be back! Forget the renaissance masters; Da Vinci, Michelangelo etc. This is the purest renaissance painting
#lufc
12
63
1K
No matter how hard i try to teach him, Kalvin just doesn't know the difference between Parmessan and Pecorino. Not even bothered asking Gjanni. He seems happy enough eating Dairylea spread with his hands. He's a lunatic
#lufc
28
139
1K
I spent a ghastly few hours trying to find the tin opener this morning when I suddenly remembered that we'd furloughed him.
14
97
1K
Tough game today against a talented Tottenham side. Although they did have an extra week off due to Covid. I don't think they'd have won without that recharge 🤔
#lufc
22
64
1K
What a night. Pleased to grab 2 goals but was disappointed to receive a caution for my dancing. Obviously needs improvement, I always did prefer a Viennese waltz
#lufc
15
65
1K
14
126
1K
I've always wondered what the 1970's were like and visiting Burnley is the next best thing
#lufc
18
45
1K
🎶It's time to lace my boots up,
It's time to score a goal,
It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight🎶
#lufc
15
74
1K
Incredibly proud of my 17 Premier League goals this season. Knew this year would be different after I switched to Egyptian cotton bedsheets. And what a season from the boys. The league table looks almost as sweet as the macaroons setting in the pantry
#lufc
15
34
1K
Can't say I'm not disappointed to miss out on an
#englandsquad
call up, but at least my village has noted my marrows in this years contest.
26
39
1K
Au revoir, Luton. Thank you for all the messages of support. Off to fire up the fondue set now
#lufc
4
40
972
Happy
#StPatricksDay
everyone. Kalvin told a great joke at training today; why did the Irish dairy farmer cross the road? To get to der udder side! I'd not laughed that hard since Coops said B&M sell good wine
#lufc
13
31
916
Good morning everyone. I've not been this hungover since William & Kate's wedding. Going to take Thatcher out for a walk to the delicatessen to clear my head. Probably take the Segway, got my new Grensons on
#lufc
5
59
887
Apologies for swearing
@SkySports
. I did have to swap to my long oak studs at HT. Whittled them from my old boarding school trunk
#lufc
16
21
886
Just think, in a few months when this is all over, Adam Forshaw will still be "2 weeks away"
#lufc
9
53
876
So you have to be related to play sports?
Barnsley will be able to finish the season with a full stadium then!
#BorisSpeech
13
126
859
Thanks for all of the birthday wishes and to my team mates for the crystal decanter. They know how much I hate drinking Lucozade from the bottle
#lufc
11
25
864
Somebody at Thorpe Arch has replaced all my nettle & lemon teabags for PG Tips. The nerve
#lufc
29
30
821
Great to get back to winning ways with an emphatic win over the Magpies. I once stopped off in Newcastle for lunch but couldn't find anywhere that did a good croque monsieur. Pathetic
#lufc
10
37
800
Hull need to tighten up at the back here or they'll lose this
9
45
781
I've been banned from putting salmon and gorgonzola tartlets in the Lucozade fridges at St George's Park. Still got a bottle of white grape Shloer at the back, though.
11
30
796
Paul Gascoigne has arrived at scene saying he is a friend of Dominic Cummings
19
101
750
Fixture list day is always exciting. A lot of people ask me: "Patrick, which away fixture do you most look forward to?" And I always say Fulham (a). Nothing to do with the ground, the fans or atmosphere. Goodness, no. It's the chance to squeeze in an impromptu Harrods trip
#lufc
9
21
725
You know what they say,
@LFC
: if you can't beat them, simply form your own league and don't let them play in it
#EuropenSuperLeague
#lufc
2
67
721
Great performance from the boys, showed huge character to control the match after going behind. Glad to get the goal. Just hope I'm not sat next to Gjanni on the coach back
#lufc
11
24
703
Looking forward to representing my country at senior level and, of course, belting out God Save The Queen. Dug out a bottle of 1946 Duval to celebrate but can't find the champagne saber. Think I left it on the greenhouse pruning counter.
11
28
699
8
45
679
Great result tonight, humbled to be awarded MOTM. However the bottle of bubbly is only Cava. Guess it will do for cleaning my boots
#lufc
11
30
693
Outstanding. That is the best looking grass I've seen since Rebekah Vardy
6
72
672
9
44
649
News of the impending Leeds lockdown has prompted me to assemble a survival hamper. Contents include; Sound of Music on BluRay, antique mahjong set, University Challenge highlights plus food such as Waitrose esstentials olives, halloumi, champagne truffles and Yorkshire Tea.
13
40
656
Disappointed to miss out on a Player of the Year nomination but at least my village has noted my marrows in this years contest
#lufc
11
22
644
Another hat-trick today! This time a successful trio of jigsaws; Windsor castle, Dambusters and Crufts Hall of Fame. Feet up now.
7
28
623
Wow. I'd hate to be part of the next team to face Manchester City after that display 😅
11
14
633
Great result away from home. Sad that there's not enough time for a quick nautical jaunt. My last attempt to sail to Jersey backfired and I didn't make it past the Isle of Wight. Too much weight on my Laser sailboat. I blame the cast iron chiminea I installed. Unnecessary.
5
14
632
I'm sure I speak for all true Leeds United supporters when I say best of luck to our NFL sister club, The San Francisco 49ers, in tonight's Super Ball 🏈🇺🇸
#sport
16
17
601
Up early to bake sun dried tomato ciabattas for the boys, they love them. Not letting Liam put Billy Bear ham on his again. Brought him some Prosciutto.
13
54
559
Great weather for todays session, trying to keep prying eyes off my cranberry & elderflower sorbet. Liam Cooper is drooling. Although that's like most sessions tbh (to be honest). Gjanni drinking WD40 as per usual
#lufc
10
29
569
Season's greetings from Bamford Manor. Just having a low-key affair this year. Merry Christmas one and all 🎄🎅🏻
4
28
567
Green laser pen for sale. Only used it once. Open to offers. Thanks
9
31
561
Indeed. I once invited Gaetano Berardi along to a shoot. He was very good, a skilled marksman and cunning hunter. And by that I mean, he ate the shotgun shells, lay in wait for the birds, grabbed them himself and tore them to ribbons with his bare hands. Harrowing
#LUFC
8
27
516
Thank you all for your kind words of support and encouragement. The elderflower Lucozade always tastes sweeter after hitting the onion bag. Although I've always preferred shallots, far more versatile, especially the banana shallot. Sorry, I seem to have wandered off topic here
7
23
507
Thank you for all the messages of support and encouragement throughout the season. Time to get the Margaux from the cellar! Knew this season would be different after I switched to Egyptian cotton bed sheets
#lufc
7
32
495
Marcelo is currently trawling through video footage of The Only Way Is Essex series 1-3.
💫 WRIGHT BACK WHERE HE STARTED
Today the club are delighted to announce the signature of Mark Wright👇
@MarkWright_
🤝
#TownTeamTogether
🔴
119
224
1K
7
25
479
For a moment here I thought we were forming an Il Divo tribute, but sadly not. An opportunity missed
#lufc
5
19
479
Woke up in the night in a cold sweat, shortness of breath. No, I'm not suffering with
#coronavirus
, I had a nightmare where I was in isolation for 2 weeks with Gjanni Alioski with no access to Ocado. God above
#lufc
4
27
479
However bad the world seems, just remember that if we, as a society, managed to move past the horror of this, we can come back from anything
#lufc
9
25
461
The boys are creating a raucous atmosphere on the coach with their victory songs and celebrations. I'm getting into the spirit of things by treating them to a violin medley of Hall and Oates
#lufc
8
28
445
The cheek of the EFL to suggest we were spraying champagne. The skinflints supply Cava at best. Pathetic. Although it does suffice for cleaning my boots
#lufc
3
23
443
The teams evening pasta is so bland tonight, good job I brought my truffle grater. Stuart Dallas' eyes lit up. He started talking to me in his accent so i simply smiled and nodded politely
#lufc
7
31
421
Phew, was almost late for training. Thought my soda bread was never going to rise.
16
9
441
Great to be back out on the grass tonight. I’ve seen that the
#lufc
boys ran an impressive 7.8km more than Everton. Although 6.9km of that was retrieving the ball to prevent further Everton time wasting. Sad
3
27
442
Wind is causing havoc. Lost two wreaths and a shepherd from my nativity scene on the terrace.
4
15
435
Blessed to play alongside these 2 outstanding players. I can honestly say I've never been nutmegged or scared shitless more than I have been whilst training with them. An honour
#lufc
0
11
425
I would wager that Andrew Keogh vapes Glade plug-ins. He appears to be, as Kalvin would say, a 'knob-head'
#lufc
7
68
404
At training today, Gjanni asked me why farmers always put their gates next to the muddiest parts of the field? I just walked away
#lufc
6
21
400
Note to self: must try harder to persuade
@andrearadri
that Fortnum & Mason should be our main
#lufc
kit sponsor. An opportunity missed
5
11
383
The power supply seemed fine at Elland Road before I plugged in my cashmere electric blanket while on the bench. Strange
#lufc
3
13
394
Only three trick or treaters so far and none of them wanted my salmon & horseradish canapés. Sad
#halloween2019
2
31
388
Great performance from the boys today, pleased to grab a goal myself. I think recent results vindicate my insistence of eggs Benedict before and after games. Not all conditioning coaches have agreed with me. We have since parted ways
#lufc
6
14
385
Preparing for today's game, brushing up on trash talking the opponents. "Edam is awful" for Virgil, "haggis is revolting" for Andy etc. Gjanni also suggested having dog dirt under fingernails to waft under the noses of markers. But I'll leave that to him
#lufc
4
23
366
Shocked to see in Ben Foster's latest video that Watford flew to Leeds ahead of Saturday's game. Once the planet dies, it will be entirely their fault imo (in my opinion).
14
14
363
I'm enjoying this new knockout format of the European Super League
#LaughOutLoud
#NoToEuropeanSuperLeague
9
44
366
For those asking, the dead leg is getting better. Managed a pirouette à la seconde in the studio yesterday. Good luck to the boys today
#lufc
3
14
365
Great chatting to all the Portugese chaps from
@Wolfs
. I once tried to sail down to the Algarve but it backfired and I didn't make it past Great Yarmouth. Too much weight on my Laser sailboat. I blame the cast iron chiminea I installed. Unnecessary.
2
21
346
Going to play using my oak studs today as a birthday treat. Whittled them from my old boarding school trunk
#ENGLAND
3
11
338
Outstanding effort today from the boys, dug deep for the 3 points. Pablo providing late drama the likes of which I've not seen since Waitrose's late-night Pimms delivery
#lufc
2
8
344
Celebrating
#YorkshireDay
with a Betty's hamper and a lovely
@YorkshireTea
brew while watching Kes on bluray in the drawing room.
3
18
343
Good luck to Chris Wilder with his next job, at GB News.
7
22
334
Granted games will be behind closed doors, I hope stadiums don't ban me from bringing (and playing) my french horn. Lockdown lessons gone to waste if I can't show the boys and the fans watching at home
#lufc
4
12
335