Poob
@PapaPoob
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Purveyor of 😵💫ddities. hair parted, pants sharted. Adult baby genius. Indianapolis Jones. 👼🏻 Business: Poobthenoob @gmail .com
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Joined September 2016
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My roommates mom’s dog, Little Brother, has fallen.I’ve been told he died somewhat peacefully in his sleep. I’d like to say a couple words about the kind of man he was..little brother was the oldest dog I’ve ever seen. It’s insane he lived this long. He was a fighter, and pet dog
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The stray pitbull I’ve been trying to turn into a super weapon by feeding it testosterone and gunpowder has unfortunately been killed by the government 😢… but the way he exploded when they shot him shows me that I’m getting closer to my goals
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Guy next to me on my flight must be an Air Marshal, how exciting!! he keeps flashing me his gun and saying he’s going to fucking kill me if I say anything. When I said I had to piss he put it up to my temple
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“You’re so naturally funny 😂” write this down and get one thing straight, bitch. There is nothing natural about it. It’s unnatural, supernatural even. Sometimes I scare the shit out of myself with how hard people laugh at my jokes
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I ask the cute barista what day it is
“Monday, already? Oh fuck not Monday”
I’m visibly devastated. She asks if I missed a big meeting.
“Nope, I just hate Monday’s. Kind of reminds you of a certain feline, no?”
She bares her biblically awesome tits and I explode in my pants
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I heard that your brain fully develops at 25 and I think it finally just happened to me! I heard a massive pop sound followed by blast of light. Now all I smell is burnt toast! It’s like my brain was bread and now it’s done cooking and uh..I uh, uh whadu duh aahh ooowww huh uh du
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Hey guys it’s Poob’s ex! Just wanted everyone to know that he’s actually really chill and always pleased me well, sexually. Did I mention I’m a famous actress? I can’t go into it, but here’s a hint “life in plastic, it’s fantastic!” anyway I’m typing this not him. Margot Robbie
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When I was a child… police found so much yoda porn on my dad’s computer that while technically not illegal, was so weird that they made me live with my grandma. That was my yoda porn and he took the fall..I’ll never be able to thank him bc the state put him in a mind prison 😭
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Okay fine it’s my Birthday and if you don’t make me feel special I’ll kill myself!
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I’ve been trying to keep up with tik tok lingo so I can get my 8th grade brother to love me and today I asked him if he was thuggin’ it out or genuinely tweaking these days (just making small talk) and he called me a slur only kids know
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A day like this, makes a man really consider jerking off twice. Wild devilish thoughts going on rn lord forgive me
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My grandma making her famous egg nog “have you seen my little whisker 👵🏻?”
Me “uh have your checked your chin!”
I turn to look at the camera and wink, she catches me mid head turn with a hook. My jaw is ripped from my head and I slump into the wall completely lifeless
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*showing hinge date my museum level collection of oddities* yeah some people actually call me Indianapolis Jones! *she shutters* I defuse with a follow up joke, “yeah I love my baubles, guess you could call me a bauble head! *starts shaking head like bobblehead* she’s so scared
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After months of being a cohost on
@ForeheadFables
and getting to meet so many awesome guests like uh, well none come to mind - I’m sad to announce that I will still be there Wednesday for the next episode and that nothing has changed except for now Sam gets really high every time
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I was only 3 when 9/11 happened, but I distinctly remember my parents sitting me down and telling me that terrorists from another land were going to come kill me
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I just rode my stationary bike for half a mile and completely lost control of my bodily functions. Piss and shit all over the living room and bike. But at least I did something active today, what did you do today huh? You fat fucking shithead. Huh? Fat fucking idiot!
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Saying “huh, I guess you had to be there” after someone tells a funny story is one of the most psychologically damaging things you can do. Really good for making your friends feel like pathetic unfunny pieces of shit
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If my heart grinched up and got 3x bigger, I might finally have enough blood pumping to get my massive hog hard
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Making small talk: “I love a hot shower in the morning, It’s one of the five pleasures!”
Her: “what are the five pleasures?”
“I can’t say, they’re watching..”
But she’s so hot
“fine I’ll tell you, they are-”
A man in a satellite presses a button and my body completely explodes
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I feel like chili is the craziest thing to a dog. It’s almost like wet dog food but way better. If I were a dog and I saw a guy make a big bowl of chili I would be going fucking wild. They’d have to put me down
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I just “yellowed out” in an Uber. I’ve never been so close to pissing myself and I felt so helpless. Traffic for miles on a bridge for an hour with my teeny bladder. Really made me realize what’s important in life. Hug your loved ones extra tight tonight
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“Ah yes the womb.. Im now a man, I left it as but a babe…but then why do I yearn to return to its warmth?” I lean in for a first kiss
My date stifles a gag, she’s visually disgusted
“Check please!” we say it in unison, the spark is back, she closes her eyes and slowly leans in
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Whimsy and magic are gone from our world. Did the universal ‘honk’ sign at a trucker and he threw something in my tire spokes. I flipped my car 3 times, landed upright and just kept driving. Cops and insurance wont believe me. The mechanism he threw in my tire vanished completely
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I was literally so fucking scared that I’d drop my part or trip on something and she’d coffin flop out, I’ll always be grateful that didn’t happen
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Super Bowl? What is that? Like something for little fat fuckers to eat their cereal out of? I’m just jesting guys, I’m aware and excited for it! Have a great Sunday!
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Walks into dentist and exclaims “I eat so much pussy my teeth stink!” people are dapping me up and smiling
Walks out of dentist “turns out I have periodontitis and if I had eaten any pussy at all the pussy juices would have killed the bacteria and I wouldn’t be in this mess…”
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“Baby gronk did it! he rizzed up baby ice spice! He’s gronky kong! He can take lsu to the big game!”
My smile fades, I slowly turn and look at the mirror
The scientist on the other side of a two way mirror I’m somehow making direct eye contact with: “doctor, prep the kill move”
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“Ur sure you can drive this?” my date asks, but I dare not soil the night, not until I have my prize. We are going insanely fast. I try to impress her by putting my entire mouth around the shifter and putting it into first. We fly off of makeout point and explode into my hometown
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“Babe what’s wrong? You’re making that face again”
I should be able to tell her, we’ve been dating for a few months, but… how do I explain this rationally. I googled it to no avail. How do I explain phantom foreskin to her..I feel where it should be, it’s warmth..the sensations
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When I was a kid, we didn’t need “school” to teach us everything. Dora was my Spanish teacher, Dexter’s Laboratory taught me science! Johnny Bravo taught me about girls! Zambooafoo for animals or something. Johnny showed me how to eat pussy and about fingering and fucking hard
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Snarfing down and lapping up hooker pussy on my knees and then giving her 1000 dollars and leaving
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Here’s a little trick I learned for if you’re having sex and need to cum, think about baseball. And think of all the sweaty guys in the dugout, think about them hitting dingers and slapping each other’s asses good game. Don’t know why, but it always works for me
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