Steve Bannon
@PRESlDENTBANNON
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Day 251
Wall length: 0
Tax reforms: 0
Clintons jailed: 0
Golf club visits: 60
Hands: tiny
Swamp: vast
Healthcare: Obamacare
Enemy: NFL
Counsel: Special
Email addresses: personal
Indictments: expected
Defense: stupidity
Full title: The Dotard of Covfefe
280 characters of winning
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11K
23K
Day 281
Wall: no
Golf: yes
News: bad
Mood: sad
Mode: panic
Hannity: manic
Base: eroding
GOP: imploding
Jury: Grand
Counsel: Special
Charges: pressed
Jail: expected
Sycophants: triggered
Defense: stupidity
No: dignity
Full title: The Dotard of Covfefe
The winning just never ends
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Day 295
FBI: lying
CIA: lying
NSA: lying
Comey: lying
Clapper: lying
Hillary: lying
Obama: lying
Bush Jr: lying
Bush Sr: lying
Papadopoulos: lying
Media: lying
Democrats: lying
Corker: lying
McCain: lying
Puerto Rico: lying
Gold Star widow: lying
Putin: not lying
Winning
396
5K
12K
@realDonaldTrump
Day 327
Wall length: 0
Wall height: 0
Pesos from Mexico: 0
Healthcare reforms: 0
Tax reforms: 0
Mining jobs: 0
Clintons jailed: 0
Illegal votes found: 0
Senate seat total: -1
Hands: tiny
Swamp: yuge
Voters: black
Alabama: blue
Best new character: Roy Moore's horse
Winning bigly
347
2K
8K
@realDonaldTrump
- Barack Obama golfing: BAD
- Donald Trump golfing: OK
- Mitt Romney avoiding Vietnam: BAD
- Donald Trump avoiding Vietnam: OK
- Al Franken harassing women: BAD
- Donald Trump harassing women: OK
- Anthony Weiner sexting children: BAD
- Roy Moore molesting children: OK
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Reminded
@realDonaldTrump
that in February he signed a bill revoking Obama-era gun checks for people with mental illnesses.
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@realDonaldTrump
- Barack Obama golfing: BAD
- Donald Trump golfing: OK
- Mitt Romney avoiding Vietnam: BAD
- Donald Trump avoiding Vietnam: OK
- John Conyers harassing women: BAD
- Donald Trump harassing women: OK
- Anthony Weiner sexting children: BAD
- Roy Moore touching children: OK
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Day 197
Wall: no
Golf: yes
Hands: small
Swamp: large
Approval rating: down
Blood pressure: up
Calls: leaked
Jury: Grand
So much winning
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The government is shut down, there are fake missile alerts going out, America's global image is at an all-time low, the president is paying hush money to porn stars and people are eating laundry detergent.
Year One, great success.
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@realDonaldTrump
@nytimes
Being president is hard work, after golfing, tweeting and eating Big Macs you barely have time to watch eight hours of television per day.
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I have asked the FBI to investigate whether anyone in the White House has connections to the United States.
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Let me explain.
Women accusing Al Franken: HONEST
Women accusing Donald Trump: LIARS
Anti-Hillary leaks: PATRIOTIC
Anti-Trump leaks: DEEP STATE
FBI investigating Hillary's emails: GOOD
FBI investigating Trump's emails: BAD
Got it?
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I have died and gone to Hell. Suffering from alcohol withdrawal symptoms in Saudi Arabia while being surrounded by Muslims with swords.
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Name: Trump, Donald J.
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 292 lbs
Resting pulse: 115
Blood pressure: 185/128
General appearance: off-putting
Allergies: Hillary, working
Respiration: labored
Speech: slurred
Skin: orange
Teeth: fake
Hair: funny
Nose: runny
Eyes: squinty
Hands: tiny
Heels: spurry
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Rex Tillerson is the only Secretary of State in history who has been fired by the President of Russia.
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Day 399
Walls: 0
FBI investigations: 1
Government shutdowns: 2
Guilty pleas: 3
Indictments: 15
Golf trips: 94
Temporary security clearances: 130
Mass shootings: 450
Porn star hush money: $130,000
Puerto Ricans without power: 900,000
Annual deficit: $1 trillion
So much winning
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Contrary to media reports Jared Kushner has not lost access to the president's daily intelligence briefing, he can still watch Fox & Friends.
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I, Sloppy Steve, shall embrace the great new nickname given to me by the so-called president, Dementia Don.
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Want to know the location of our submarines? Call 1-800-WHITEHOUSE and press 1 for U.S. secrets. For our allies' secrets please press 2.
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Day 271
Walls: 0
FBI investigations: 1
Golf club visits: 69
False claims: 1350
Travel ban: blocked
Gold Star families: shocked
California: burning
Puerto Rico: flooding
NFL players: kneeling
World: laughing
The Dotard: seething
280 characters barely enough for all the winning
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Let me try to explain.
- Mitt Romney avoiding Vietnam: BAD
- Donald Trump avoiding Vietnam: OK
- Anthony Weiner sexting underage girls: BAD
- Roy Moore touching underage girls: OK
- Barack Obama golfing: BAD
- Donald Trump golfing: OK
Got it?
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A racist, a liar, a moron, a sociopath, a sexual predator and a very stable genius walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?
"A Diet Coke, Mr. President?"
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Let me explain how this works.
1. A mass shooting occurs
2. Congress sends thoughts and prayers
3. Someone suggests gun control
4. Lobbyists contact congressmen
5. Congressmen say "it's too early"
6. Nobody does anything
7. Go to 1
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You know you picked the right lawyer when he shells out $130,000 from his own pocket to pay off a porn star you had sex with.
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@realDonaldTrump
- Mitt Romney avoiding Vietnam: BAD
- Donald Trump avoiding Vietnam: OK
- Anthony Weiner sexting children: BAD
- Roy Moore touching children: OK
- John Conyers harassing women: BAD
- Donald Trump harassing women: OK
- Barack Obama golfing: BAD
- Donald Trump golfing: OK
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Being forced to delay your departure to Swamp-a-Lago Oligarch Ball due to impending government shutdown while a pornstar with whom you committed adultery talks about your penis and fear of sharks is the perfect way to wrap up the year of nonstop winning.
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Every person who has been imprisoned for saying "Merry Christmas" during the Dark Obama Years will be pardoned immediately.
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Day 85
Walls: 0
Swamps drained: 0
Cruise missile strikes: 1
Big bombs dropped: 1
Chocolate cakes: 1
Vacation expenses: $25,000,000
Winning
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You might not know this, but copying shoe designs makes you qualified to engage in diplomacy with a hostile state threatening nuclear war.
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Day 322
Wall length: 0
Pro-pedophile rallies: 1
Plea deals: 2
Approval rating: 32%
Devices seized by Mueller: 36
Golf trips: 78
Denture cost: $5,000
Documents seized by Mueller: 400,000
Puerto Ricans without power: 1,000,000
Tax plan deficit: $1.4 trillion
So much winning
58
1K
3K
@realDonaldTrump
Day 323
Wall length: 0
Pro-pedophile rallies: 1
Plea deals: 2
Approval rating: 32%
Devices seized by Mueller: 36
Golf trips: 78
Denture cost: $5,000
Documents seized by Mueller: 400,000
Puerto Ricans without power: 1,000,000
Tax plan deficit: $1.4 trillion
So much winning
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Six months of winning:
Walls paid by Mexico: 0
Swamps drained: 0
Clintons jailed: 0
Healthcare reforms: 0
Tax reforms: 0
Golf trips: 37
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Day 348
Eggs: breaking
Secrets: leaking
Mueller: laughing
McConnell: smiling
Democrats: dancing
Base: crying
White House: panicking
Ship: sinking
Swamp: boiling
Hot tub: filling
Tiny Hands: fuming
So much: WINNING
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Being sued by a porn star is an innovative way to distract from the resignation of your top economic adviser.
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Trying to fire the person who is investigating you for obstruction of justice is the best way to prove you are not obstructing justice.
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Day 327
Wall length: 0
Wall height: 0
Pesos from Mexico: 0
Healthcare reforms: 0
Tax reforms: 0
Mining jobs: 0
Clintons jailed: 0
Illegal votes found: 0
Senate seat total: -1
Hands: tiny
Swamp: yuge
Voters: black
Alabama: blue
Best new character: Roy Moore's horse
Winning bigly
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Ever get so excited when you get an opportunity to criticize Obama that you accidentally admit Russia's election meddling? Me neither.
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New executive order, effective immediately. Donald Trump shall now be called the So-Called Ruler Of The United States (SCROTUS).
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Wall: invisible
Healthcare: Obamacare
Tax cut: for billionaires
Hillary: not jailed
Voter fraud: no evidence
Russia investigation: ongoing
Best new country: Nambia
Expected deficit: $1.5 trillion
Greatest invention: Christmas
Title: The Golfer of Covfefe
2017 — a year of winning
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Selling MAGA hats and t-shirts to poor rednecks is the best way to fund the secret payments to porn stars.
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I see you are confused over
@IvankaTrump
's role. Let me explain.
If she is doing something that would be inappropriate for the president's daughter, then she is a senior advisor to the president.
If she is asked a difficult question, then she is just the president's daughter.
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Day 64. Obamacare stays, no wall, no Muslim ban, no evidence of wiretapping. Everybody under an FBI investigation. Saw a truck. Winning.
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Day 316
Wall length: 0
Flipped advisors: 1
Guilty pleas: 2
Direct messages to WikiLeaks: 3
Approval rating: 33%
Communications with Russians: 51
Golf trips: 78
Lies: 1700
Tweets: 2210
Golf cart rental cost: $150,000
Tax plan deficit: $1,400,000,000,000
Numbers show the winning
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COVID-19 infections over the past week:
Mainland China: 0
Cayman Islands: 3
Taiwan: 7
Monaco: 12
New Zealand: 22
Vietnam: 22
The White House: 27
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It appears all the members of patriotic militia groups that have spent decades training and arming themselves to stop the rise of a tyrannical government in the United States are suddenly suffering from bone spurs.
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So a racist, a liar, an idiot, a sociopath and a sexual predator walk into a restaurant in downtown Washington DC. What does the waiter say?
"Good afternoon Mr. President, a table for one?"
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@realDonaldTrump
Day 330
Wall length: 0
Pesos from Mexico: 0
Tax returns released: 0
Healthcare reforms: 0
Tax reforms: 0
Mining jobs: 0
Clintons jailed: 0
Illegal votes found: 0
Senate seat total: -1
Hands: tiny
Swamp: yuge
Voters: black
Alabama: blue
Only honest actor: Sassy the Horse
Winning
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Day 289
Wall: none
Credibility: gone
Policies: flawed
Golf: abroad
Paradise: Papers
Blaming: haters
Advice: ignore
Accounts: offshore
Papadopoulos: confessing
Manafort: sweating
Flynn: squealing
Ross: panicking
Mueller: charging
Dotard: seething
Plot: thickening
So much: winning
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Lawyer count:
Donald Trump: 4
Stone: 3
Flynn: 3
Kushner: 2
Manafort: 2
Donald Trump Jr.: 1
Sessions: 1
Pence: 1
Cohen: 1
Creating jobs
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- Incite fear and hatred ✔
- Mock Mayor of London with a lie ✔
- Go golfing ✔
Busy Sunday.
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Day 209
Wall: no
Tax reform: no
Healthcare reform: no
Manufacturing Council: no
Strategy and Policy Forum: no
Nazis: yes
So much winning
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Day 172
Wall: no
Obamacare repeal: no
Tax reform: no
Sons caught with Russians: 1
Cyber Security Unit: cancelled
Golf trips: 37
Winning
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When one of the teachers we arm loses it and shoots a student, we will give the kids guns so they can protect themselves from teachers.
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Can't believe that Jared Kushner did not manage to broker peace between Israel and the Palestinians. He has weeks of diplomatic experience.
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Day 509
UN: so sad
EU: weak leaders
WTO: unfair
NATO: obsolete
FBI: embarrassment
Germany: total mess
Britain: Muslim problem
Mexico: corrupt
Justin Trudeau: dishonest and weak
Angela Merkel: ruining Germany
Vladimir Putin: very smart
Kim Jong Un: very smart
So much winning
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Donald says he does not recall ever meeting anyone named Donald Trump Jr.
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Day 123
Walls built: 0
Walls touched: 1
Shiny medals: 1
Curtseys: 1
Magic orb rituals: 1
Amendment: 5th
Embarrassment: Global
So much win
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858
2K
Day 320
Wall: no
Credibility: gone
Achievements: none
GOP slogan: 14 is the new 30
National monuments: shrinking
Middle East strategy: burning
Allies: deserting
Flynn: singing
Lawyer: tweeting
Teeth: crumbling
Speech: slurring
Title: Emperor Bonespur of Nambia
So much winning
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Two largest point drops in Dow history and a government shutdown should be enough winning for one week.
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@realDonaldTrump
@daveweigel
@washingtonpost
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Robert Mueller showed to me
12 Jared emails,
11 Flynn phone calls,
10 minutes of pee tape,
9 Comey memos,
8 FISA court orders,
7 FARA statements,
6 subpoenas,
5 gag orders,
4 indictments,
3 WikiLeaks DMs,
2 plea deals,
And The Dotard in handcuffs
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Staging a grand military parade to honor a president with five military draft deferments is an effective way of letting the rest of the world know that the country is now a total banana republic.
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Day 387
Walls: 0
DACA fixes: 0
Obamacare repeals: 0
Tax returns released: 0
Biggest Dow falls: 2
Government shutdowns: 2
Indictments: 4
Golf trips: 93
Yearly budget deficit: $1 trillion
Security clearances: temporary
Team name: White House Wife-Beaters
So much winning
50
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Spending the day on a golf course hundreds of miles from any of your children's mothers is the best gift you can give them on Mother's Day.
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Our thoughts and prayers are with
@realDonaldTrump
who traveled all the way to France to mark the WW1 centenary but was forced to stay in his hotel room and couldn't pay his respects to the fallen soldiers because rain would have ruined his hairdo.
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@realDonaldTrump
So a birther, a tax evader, a white supremacist, a misogynist, an anti-Semite, a Bible basher, a sex offender and a Republican walk into a mall. What does the security guard say?
"Come on Roy, you are banned from here and you know it."
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Al Franken. If at any point you feel like harassing women or underage girls and you would also like to be a senator, do not hesitate to contact the Republican Party.
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Priebus: fired
Flynn: fired
Deare: fired
Sessions: recused
Spicer: resigned
Dubke: resigned
Walsh: resigned
Short: resigned
So much winning
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End of year one
Wall: no
Golf: yes
Height: more
Weight: less
Hating: sharks
Liking: spanking
FBI investigation: open
Federal government: closed
Wall money from Mexico: $0
Hush money to Stormy $130,000
Title: The Stable Genius of Swamp-a-Lago
So much winning
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When a badly divided nation is facing a government shutdown, volatile markets, a constitutional crisis, another war and a hostile nation attacking its democratic institutions, the first thing a responsible leader should do is to order himself a grand military parade.
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The Deep State is good. First they got Carter Page to brag about his Kremlin ties, then years later they made Trump to run for president, then they waited for Trump to hire and fire Page and then they applied for a FISA warrant to undermine Trump presidency.
Next level 4D chess.
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The plea deal of Michael Cohen — who, by the way, was a low-level volunteer covfefe boy planted by Crazy John Brennan — is Mueller's desperate attempt to distract everyone from Crooked Hillary's missing emails. Rigged Witch Hunt!
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I have arrived on Capitol Hill. One shirt, serious business.
The downfall of
@realDonaldTrump
begins.
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We are now the only country on Earth to reject the Paris climate agreement. We are also the only country suggesting mass shooting incidents can be reduced by adding more guns.
Thinking outside the box.
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1. Try to intimidate Comey with "tapes"
2. Find out Comey has detailed notes
3. Watch bluff fail, deny having tapes
4. Yell at TV
Winning
28
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I have instructed Secretary of State Jared Kushner to read Wikipedia articles on Syria and sort everything out by Monday.
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Being president is hard work, after golfing, tweeting and eating Big Macs you barely have time to watch eight hours of television per day.
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Told the crowd in Alabama that they must not listen to the "elite outsiders." They all cheered.
I'm a former Goldman Sachs investment banker and a Hollywood executive from the East Coast with a master's degree from Georgetown University and an MBA from Harvard.
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The idea is to insult other countries so that they will build a wall around the United States, for free.
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Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto called. He said Mexico is considering paying for the wall to keep American neo-Nazi terrorists out.
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71-year-old man — who keeps repeating himself, needs two hands to hold a water bottle and whose father suffered from Alzheimer's — does not need to undergo a psychiatric evaluation during his annual physical exam because he proclaims to be a mentally stable genius.
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Quitting the National Security Council allows me to spend more time writing my autobiography — My Struggle.
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I am assessing the situation concerning National Security Advisor Michael Flynn. I have contacted his Russian supervisor for more details.
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Day 76
Wall: no
Muslim ban: no
Swamp drain: no
Obamacare repeal: no
Tax reform: no
ISIS defeated: no
Hillary jailed: no
War: soon
Winning
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Stayed up all night wondering what is the most embarrassing thing we can do at
#G20
. Then it dawned on me. Replace Donald with Ivanka.
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I will launch a preemptive strike to prevent North Korea's preemptive strike from preventing my preemptive strike.
Take that, Kim Jong-un.
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@realDonaldTrump
Day 323
Wall length: 0
Pro-pedophile rallies: 1
Plea deals: 2
Approval rating: 32%
Devices seized by Mueller: 36
Golf trips: 78
Denture cost: $5,000
Documents seized by Mueller: 400,000
Puerto Ricans without power: 1,000,000
Tax plan deficit: $1.4 trillion
So much winning
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2K
We will sort out the mass shooting problem after
@realDonaldTrump
has finished watching Oprah.
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- Did you call the Russians?
- No
- Here are the phone records
- Oh THOSE calls
- Did you meet with Russians?
- No
- Here are the participants
- Oh THAT meeting
- Did you speak with WikiLeaks?
- No
- Here are the messages
- Oh THAT WikiLeaks
We are onto a winning strategy here.
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Day 82
Miles of wall built: 0
Hitler references: 1
Failed Muslim bans: 2
Russia investigations: 3
Golf trips: 16
Getting tired of winning.
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2K
@realDonaldTrump
Our tax bill has very low public support, but that will change once people realize it includes a tax break for private jet owners.
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2016: Mexico will pay for the wall
2017: Mexico will pay for the wall later
2018: I will shut down the government if you don't pay for my wall
So much winning
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