The Intellectual
@Osiyemi_O
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Lawyer, melting pot of opinions, minister of merriment. Lover of God & tennis. Views expressed are mine - not my present or future employer's.
Anywhere but Nigeria
Joined July 2019
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Pinned Tweet
Public service announcement. To all the brain pickers on the TL.
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The fact that Tinubu is a serious contender for President, despite the many verifiable and discrediting things about him, is alarming. But the fact that he has everyday people as staunch supporters is even more amusing. It shows that a lot of Nigerians simply love their shackles.
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If anyone wants to start community sensitisation ahead of 2023 elections, please let's discuss. We take to the slums, villages, rural communities, motorparks etc. Teach people their rights, a little on politics and history. Make sure they register to vote & get their PVCs.
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I normally wouldn't dignify people like Alcohol Hero with a detailed response. But since has attempted to tarnish my name, tell stupid lies (and half-truths), I have his time. Fairly lengthy thread but please bear with me.
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I can't stand how basic some of the apartments in Eko Atlantic look. So basic, lacking in taste, yet so expensive. How do people manage to pay $2 million for bad decisions and subpar interior decoration?
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The Nigerian government excels at playing the deadbeat dad. The one who contributes nothing to your education but turns up at your graduation like “I always knew you would make me proud.”
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Erica's fans aren't from this planet. Whaaat? A house, cash gifts, Amazon/Disney/Tesla stocks and a lot more for her birthday. Talk about showing up. The love is unreal.
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If I go to church tomorrow, I pray my Pastor doesn't say anything silly to undermine the protests i.e. "when there is chaos in the land, 'end SARS end SARS' we children of God shall be in peace." Because na then, dem go know say werey dey for church too.
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Once you put sentiments aside, apply common sense/logic, the story (and my response) become clear. Poor performance begets an equivalent response. For every gbas, there's a corresponding gbos.
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And if I, without knowing him personally, can pay 70k out of 90k in advance (to ensure that he does the job well), then 20k is the least of my worries. Thank God I'm not suffering. This is a matter of principle - he was dishonest, unreliable and simply did not earn the balance.
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As
@NelliKombs
aptly put it, balance ko, balenciaga ni. Have a good night folks. Nothing to see here.
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If you're aged 40 & below, and you plan to vote for Tinubu on Saturday, I say: more grip to your shackles, as you venture to La Porte de Non Retour. If EndSARS didn't teach you about heavy-handed, unimaginative & despotic politicians like him, perhaps something worse will.
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A big congrats to everyone who's just passed their Law School exams. Welcome to the Nigerian Bar. Even if you didn't get the grade you hoped for, don't despair. You're still "THE LAW". It gets better with time. Keep your head up.
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Sometimes, it pays to do things last minute. Bumped into
@Santandave1
while trying to get a ticket for tonight. Dude is so down to earth.
#NATIVELAND19
bout to be...
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To sum up, those campaigning/voting for Tinubu are willing to allow a ruthless political godfather and ex-drug baron, with a tenuous identity/life history, occupy Nigeria's highest political office - for vibes, Inshallah and sentiments. I look forward to salty tears & VPNs.
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It's so funny to see Joey Akan & co being criminally silent today. When it's time to criticise, they open their mouths waaa with reckless abandon. But now, they've run out of needles to sew silly threads. Meanwhile those who always help, have simply continued helping. See life?
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Saw "Iyabo Awokoya" all over my TL and discovered that it was "big sis" - the same bad belle agbaya who insulted the Nigerian emigrant for going to Canada and celebrating on the TL. Someone who sent her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies College and Uni in the UK. Irony.
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I think I've met the woman I want to marry. I just hope this tweet ages well.
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To the Agbado community of Yoruba folk: if you think a Tinubu presidency is a win for the tribe, I say LOL. We excel in education, omoluabism & the outward appearance of values. In politics, we have no backbone or skill in nepotism/tribal positioning. Buy that dream at your risk.
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The target is the masses - everyday Nigerians. Iya Bisi in the market. Moshood the mechanic. Musa the gateman. They're the ones targeted by politicians with 5k envelopes, salt, rice and garri every election. They come out in their numbers to vote. We must focus on them.
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Because the day calls for jpengs and celebration. I don dey old o
#birthdaybehaviour
Photo credit:
@RolakeJob
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After every haircut, I ask my barber to kindly sweep and pack my hair for me. And I hand him a pouch or plastic bag to put it in. He's probably fed up of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is Nigeria.
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I personally find loud and overt displays of wealth distasteful. If you got it, you got it. No need for the nouveau riche behaviour.
I almost forgot I have a second passport 🤭It’s time to put some distance between me and the crab mentality people
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It's a slippery slope to reduce a federal office to a symbol of tribal politics (though the last 8 years show that slippery doesn't mean impossible). Point is, whether Emilokan likes it or not, his Cabinet cannot be A-Y (Ade to Yemisi). The Federal Character exists for a reason.
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In 2023, we must send a clear message to politicians that "enough is enough." And if the masses are properly enlightened (including your average Joe), the battle is half-won. It would take some next level rigging gymnastics for these dinosaurs to remain in power.
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With proper funding, we could arrange a little care package for the people being sensitized (soft drinks, snacks etc). In a country where a lot of people are impoverished and hungry, food is one very effective way of getting people's attention.
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This lady interviewer is making my blood boil. In addition to her poor grammar and pronunciations, she lacks empathy, wisdom and emotional intelligence. Pastor Ituah lost his wife less than a year ago. Why the silly question?
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Only sensible option was to let him serve those who were there; and the cost of wasted drinks/cocktails would be borne by him (he came late, why should we bear the cost of wastage?) Part-performance = part-payment (to the Contract Law teachers in my mentions).
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At the rate Seyi Makinde is going, he won't even need to spend money on a re-election campaign. Yes, he's doing basic things like ensuring salaries are paid. But alas, this is Nigeria. Consistently doing the basic things will suffice.
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Me: I just finished from court
Non-lawyer friend: did you win?
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So now I ask, in what way is a "balance" justified? Alcohol Hero came 3 hours later than agreed, didn't serve up to the value of what he was contracted for, and then took home the wasted ingredients.
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It’s funny how most people are missing the point here. People just leaving long-term relationships hardly get over their exes quickly. Everyone new is potentially a rebound guy/girl to them. Commit & be led on at your own risk.
This really nice guy told me he was with his ex for 4 years before they broke up 7 months ago. He liked me and said he was ready to be in another relationship.
Told him to come back if he’s still single after a year and I’ll give him a real chance. He’s married to that ex now.
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As much as I hate that this Funfere guy is throwing his sister under the bus to take the heat off himself, there’s a lesson to be learnt here. Koromone (his sister) is a prime example of performative feminism. Say one thing on the TL/on IG, do the complete opposite offline.
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My dad called me and I explained my side. He just laughed and said, "ahn ahn. He's in breach of contract." And then broke down the legal elements of all that occured. At this point, I rested easy, knowing that my family was tightly behind me.
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By going to my dad's office, he wanted to play on his ignorance (dad wasn't around for the party). So he assumed that my dad, in a bid to avoid embarrassment, would say "how much is your money? Take and be going". But my father is logical and has a brain. He knows his child.
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When that failed too, he googled my father and went to his office to complain. Dad wasn't in, so he met the Secretary and recounted half-truths to her. She told him, "this your story is not adding up. I know Osiyemi. He won't do such a thing. What did you do?" Baba was silent.
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Pro-tip: if you feel like your Nigerian Law School results are a stain on your academic track record, remove it from the education section of your CV. Put it under "professional qualifications" as Certiicate of Legal Practice or Call to Bar certificate. Works like a charm.
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There's no vein, grey matter or fibre of my being that supports paying that so-called balance. And to make matters worse, he has threatened me (personally and with his uncle); hassled my family, gone to my father's office, and attempted to tarnish my name on Twitter & Insta.
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I feel like this Uber driver cancelled because “who does this girl think she is to talk to me like that? No good evening, nothing.” I’ve messaged countless Uber drivers in Nigeria without pleasantries. It’s simply “please are you on your way?” And not once did they cancel.
I experienced this disrespect from an Uber driver today. He ended up insulting me and canceling the trip with no remorse.
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I don't think I've had a better Monday this entire year. And I just got the best news too. Project Japa: phase 2, has now been activated. HE'S AN ABLE GOD 🙏🏾
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Abeggi. Stop famzing the guy. In this context, he's a US citizen. Nigeria is just a second passport. Stop claiming high-flyers of Nigerian descent or even citizenship. Especially when Nigeria had no part to play in their success. Big congrats to him tho!
Wow meet Adeoye Owolewa a 31-year-old Nigerian man who has just been elected to the United States Congress.
The young man will be representing Washington DC in the House of Representatives.
This is a big win
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Nigerians can be such callous people. They don’t care what you do or how you’ve helped in the past. Once it suits them, they will pile on you, smear your name & tarnish your legacy to advance their ends. Callous, callous people.
Good morning. You see this whole Endsars money joke has gone on for too long and so it was only irritating at first. So if you want to make a claim with your full chest that you gave me Endsars funds that were embezzled, do it under this tweet. Let’s close the chapter once.
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@Jaymilah_
Aww poor you. You are so immersed in Nigerian incompetence that you romanticise it. In restaurants in the UK, I have had my food "on the house" on at least two occasions, because the waiter missed my order & delayed me for over an hour. Don't be stupid.
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Olaniwun has opened an International office in London? Tbh, if any Nigerian law firm was to achieve that, it had to be them. Dr. Konyin Ajayi hacked the code for big-ticket corporate law a while ago: packaging, top-tier deals, billing clients well & not underselling your value.
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Yemi "BDSM" Osinbajo. The man whose hands are always tied. Please don't return to the legal profession after 2023. You have failed everyone of us who had faith in you. Absolutely failed. And you're a disgrace to yourself, the legal profession and the body of Christ.
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So
@Efemenaa_
bought me a gift off the back of TNP's debate competition and I'm fighting back big man tears right now. What a guy. What a guy. Class act.
#OurPresident
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A big thank you to everyone who supported me in the competition. Things didn't work out today, but we move regardless - onwards and upwards. Congratulations to Efe as well.
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Called him shortly & sealed the deal. Then he started moving funny. Asked for full payment in advance without service (he don see better mugu). Apparently, knows Wizkid. So, according to him, he couldn't possibly run away with my money (the stupor).
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By the time we explained the story, his uncle goes "ah but that's wrong of Gabriel. I just want you to make peace because he's still a young guy hustling. Because of future recommendations." LOL, recommen-what?
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The worst part about being Yoruba for me is this culture of performative morality and values. Yorubas could be the vilest human beings internally, but as long as they dobalę and kunlę outwardly, it's omo daada and omoluabi. Eye service and pretentiousness aplenty
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@Hardewojor
Lol yeah. Na person wey dey okay dey tweet. At least that's my personal philosophy. Took time off to look after myself. And I'm much better now. You good?
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The discussion of not receiving a balance was had with him after he arrived. He went ahead to serve. He impliedly agreed to the altered terms of his contract. Then afterwards, he started acting brand new.
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Then when I didn't yield, he resorted to threats. Threatened me with Instablog (LEWL). He followed me on Instagram, viewed my profile on LinkedIn, stalked me and my family. I didn't budge. At this point, I thought "let this guy do his worst. He's wrong and I'm ready for him"
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Every year/other year, we have a New Year's party at mine. Siblings and I handle different aspects of the planning. I'm the only one in my immediate family who drinks; so, naturally, I decided to handle the booze this year.
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Party finished. Oya baba clear up. He started talking "my balance". We we told him to leave. He left, and with him, he took a third-full container of alcoholic chapman & a substantial amount of ingredients for Long Island cocktails - thus proving our theory on wastage.
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We let him in. In between setting up and serving, brother-in-law had a word with him (I was still fuming and incoherent). Told him to forget about his balance because he came late & drinks would waste. He continued setting up tho - had that "YOU NO FIT HOLD MY BALANCE" courage.
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He took it a step further. Got his retired Major (not even Major-General) uncle to call and harass me for a non-existent balance. I didn't have time/energy to entertain that conversation, so my sister took the phone.
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I've received more good news in the past 24 hours than I have in the entire year. Uncle Yemi once again. I have to start saving up for exotic baby cars. And I loveet.
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Regulators in Nigeria are only active when it's time to stifle innovation, stick to their ancient ways and keep the country stagnant. If you mix agbaya with enemy of progress, you get Nigerian regulators.
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Posting screenshots of people moving to you in the DMs is childish. And in majority of cases, it's also uncalled for. Self-aggrandizement at its finest.
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Initial plan - send him back. But my brother-in-law (who has experience in dealing with Nigerian vendors) advised otherwise. He noted that I would chase shadows for my refund. And the average vendor would say that payment was used to purchase ingredients; hence, no refund.
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In other words, Lukmon in your estate is underpaid and you're shocked to be in a country where labour is valued and priced accordingly. If you cannot pay, you're free to DIY (as you have done). But ye ma pariwo dear.
Forced to install a new washing machine by myself this morning when I got quotes from plumber that it will cost me £220 that’s 169,400 Naira that Lukmon in my estate will install for less that 10k. But our Twitter people will tell you cost living in Nigeria yen yen
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Men in Nigeria typically have less grace for women. Their sensitivities and egos are heightened when it’s a woman on the other end. A lot more is deemed offensive.
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"I spoke to a big wine brand... They said they would produce for me and I can put my brand on it." In other words, there was a discussion, followed by an agreement and consent. All three elements were absent in this instance. So no need to compare apples with potatoes.
There was a time I wanted to go into the wine business. Maybe I will still do it. I spoke to a big wine brand you all have heard of. They said they would produce for me and I can put my brand on it.
But puff puff seller...
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When he showed up at 8pm, my entire fam was upset, and I looked like a complete fool. Over a third of the guests had left (next day was the first day back at work for most people). Those of us left at the party COULD NOT realistically finish the drinks. They were bound to waste.
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As he marketed away, I checked to see if we had any mutual friends/followers (due diligence). Once I saw that my friend was a mutual follower, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Still, I called her briefly, asked a few questions and then listened to what he had to say.
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"Why do you have to make this a gender issue?"
This is literally a case of a man/men raping and killing a woman, so it's very much a gender issue.
Today is not the day for fragile egos and misplaced sensitivity.
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His response? The minibar was in Ogba and he had to go pick it up. At PAST 4 PM PEOPLE. At this point, I just lost it. Nigga probably double-booked events and then lied that his cousin was gonna deliver the minibar earlier in the day.
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The biggest downside in all of this, is that people like Precious Gaza will unfortunately make others wary and weary of doing good. Goodwill is finite, and it’s sad that rogues get to empty the goodwill tank - at the expense of those who might genuinely need help in future.
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Asked for another update at 5:24pm, he said he was 45 minutee away. Tick tock goes the clock - 45 minutes turned to over 2 exra hours.
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He theb calls me at 4 pm (THE TIME I TOLD HIM THE PARTY WILL START), asking if I had spare tables for him to set up. Baba, wagwan the minibar you told me (at 11:40 am) was due to be delivered?
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Teşumole is lowkey spiritual. In Nigeria, the land of warfare Christianity, it's important that we keep stepping on the devil (the meaning of Teşumole). I grew up singing "Jesus conquered the devil, match am match am." So ride on, Reverend Marley.
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I just simply reiterated his wrongdoings because he seemed to have a short memory span.
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OMO, you guys are the best!! Thank you so much for voting. Through to the Semis
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In a matter of minutes, he followed me and entered my DMs. Essentially, he CAME TO ME to market himself/business
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When I speak of Elder statesmen Twitter, I'm referring to people like Iyabo Awokoya. The shameless folk from the older generation who are complicit in today's Nigeria. After chopping from her friends in government, she's dishing out stupid takes on the TL. Go to hell ma.
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At a point, he was apologetic. Tried to butter me up to pay him a balance he did not deserve. He even acknowledged his wrongdoing. Side note: the 7:48 he claims, was actually past 8.
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He sent price lists for bottles and I figured I could get them cheaper. Then he mentioned that he also did cocktails. We had a conversation around that, he gave me a quote (N90k) and I told him I'll get back asap (as I couldn't decide unilaterally).
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Finally making progress with these applications (able God!) I look forward to my LinkedIn post in due course, telling you how "pleased" and "humbled" I am to have secured a job. And on Twitter, I will celebrate the jakpa. Who Buhari's Nigeria epp? Long live the brain drain.
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One of the most important skills you can teach yourself on social media is self-regulation. If you can’t defend/stand by whatever you tweet, don’t tweet it. If your tweet could threaten your livelihood, think twice before tweeting. Resist the urge to make your life difficult
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After the party, I tweeted about how my family stepped in. As a Mr nice guy, I had even considered paying his balance. But they stood their ground and ensured that I didn't let him take me for a ride. He then messaged me, citing my tweet (which presumably offended him).
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He claimed he didn't not get his alert until the following morning. But the confirmation screenshot he sent states otherwise. So clearly, he received his advance payment the day before (notwithstanding network and the Nigerian factor). Receipts below:
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See people hurling abuse at FemCo under the NYTimes article. Calling them thieves and so on. It's like people just suddenly forget & disregard your track record once an allegation is thrown into the mix.
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Weirdly enough, "Aburo" from last time is missing in action tonight. Together, they are the president and vice president of Elder stateman Twitter. Onisokuso FC. Propaganda HQ. Stomach infrastructure gang. Belle-ful United.
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I put this tweet out a day before the party. A good friend of mine (who I love and respect) replied to the tweet. Alcohol Hero follows her; so he saw my tweet and her reply
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Fast forward to the party day, he buzzed me at 11:40 am that his cousin would be delivering his minibar at my house. I said cool, what time. Then he went silent for about 4 hours.
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Side note: lost my sim/sim pack when I left Nigeria. USSD transfers were therefore not feasible. For most of the Christmas holiday, I had to either transfer in the bank or via an ATM - pending sim recovery. It was a Saturday, so I chose the latter option.
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We must protect Seyi Makinde (and other leaders like him) at all costs.
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Invictus Obi's social media accounts are down. And you can't find his picture on any blog, website or even Instagram account of friends/associates. They've all been deleted. Moral of the story? Once you're in trouble, you become a bastard. NO ONE will associate with you.
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I politely declined and agreed to send N70k in advance, as a sign of good faith. I was rushing out to a wedding, so I promised to make payment before/on the way to the wedding.
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My major regret about this election is that, handing the keys of Nigeria to a demagogue like Tinubu, can only spell doom for opposition parties/voices. One thing that nonce truly excels at, is reducing opposition to fine powder. They might become attendance-marking Jimi Agbajes.
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Whenever I see Pete Edochie's name trending, I laugh, because what do you expect? He's an elderly traditional Igbo man, who is set in his ways. So no, he won't share liberal 21st century views with you - not now, not ever. Stop giving yourselves hypertension.
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Nothing beats prayerful Nigerian mothers. Everything is a potential prayer point. They will prayer over your pics and your head will be correct by force - 3000+ miles away.
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Went from ATM to ATM in VI as I made my way - I updated him. Had to eventually use the ATM at Silver Foxx. Paid via Quickteller around 6:53.
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I woke up thankful that I don't look like my struggles/what I've been through. Thankful that the trials of life haven't shaken my core values or made me bitter/resentful. Above all, thankful for good friends who've literally carried me through it all. Ka sa ma dupe ni.
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Lol my mum is hilarious. She saw that I saved her number as Mama Mia on my phone. She then goes "me too, let me save your number as Omo Mia"
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