Opal ⊙
@OpalResplendent
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we died a long time ago no shortcuts to heaven
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Joined December 2015
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Opal loves puppydoll more than anything. the very bottom of Opal is a desire to simply hold it. the pain of losing time with it will linger forever. when it's Opal's turn, her thoughts will be on it and our life together lost. it's the most beautiful thing in the world.
misses it
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dunno how to say this, but puppydoll committed suicide last night. this was unexpected and sudden, but it often struggled with its disability and connection to others. Opal will always remember it as a sweet little soft thing, smiling wide.
the most beautiful thing in the world.
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p-p-puppygirls from the s-same litter can't KISS!!!
that's not allowed....?
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was stupid horny for the first time in ages, humping a pillow rather embarrassingly, and an intuitive understanding of why trees exist and their relationship to sorting algorithms from first principles appeared fully formed in the mind. dunno why this isn't taught explicitly?
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How to Survive
[Zine 0]
thinking about this a lot lately...
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Opal's guide to girls:
- pet the girl (with permission)
- cut it with knife (w/o permission)
- threaten its life (they love this one)
- make it prove that it's worthy of your time
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dunno what to say.
despite best efforts, we are $1,100 short for rent/etc. was struggling even before all this. situation is still salvageable, but not with homelessness on top.
any help would be greatly appreciated
OpalResplendent on ca/shapp or ve/nnmo
please, thank you.
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selecting which gun to get based on mouthfeel and freaking the gunstore employees out
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it still feels fake. like it's going to send a message anytime. knows it'll feel somehow so much worse than it does now.
Opal was first one there, saw the body, touched the body, and still it feels fake.
just want to talk to it again, please.
please :<
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there's a concerted effort to keep older trans from giving advice to younger trans. same shit happened with gays and lesbians, current keyword for this is "grooming", reappropriated from the actual meaning of this term. just more cruelty, what's new?
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make a fucking will, write your family out of it.
don't want to deal with another family doing this shit again.
can't deal with it this time, not this one, not the one i loved.
heartless.
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heart is a bit more at ease.
confirmed there was nothing Opal could have done.
spent most of the day listening to others talk about how it touched their life. doing... much better than expected, not crying constantly... just... making up for it with intensity maybe.
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even in death it helped others become connected.
just... please don't waste the short time you have with those that you care about. don't push off reconnections until tomorrow, don't leave your feelings unspoken.
all we have is time, all that matters is eachother.
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imagine:
it/its girlthing (weapon) in a business suit AND collar
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"don't use it/its for her, it's disrespectful"
.............................................................................
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remembers last time trying to be stable before became homeless... made this little shape animation program and the thing Opal tested with was doing its gearheart symbol... can't find finished version, brain not on well enough to mess with the code, but have this half-finished vid
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"i can offer you a replacement doll"
you don't seem to understand that Opal loved this one in particular? can find any number of others to fill even the entirety of the roles it did, but they won't have the same details, not all at once. they won't have the same history.
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it's strange seeing others talk ill of it... expected more since it was disabled in some of the ways that don't garner sympathy, in addition to being trans.. but.. it touched so many.
Opal feels so much less lonely in seeing the brightness in its heart than before, thank you....
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it was more widely loved than Opal knew, maybe even than it knew. it knew it had a positive effect on others, but lamented the inability to make connections with any. it's so tragic.
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30+ transfem who can barely make rent giving advice on how to not fucking die to a 21yo transfem gets called "grooming" because they simply want us to die.
it's not complicated.
this is part of a wider distraction against the actual grooming that takes place regularly. world bad.
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why do drugs have all girl names? mary jane, molly, sally, tina, ketamine
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feel like puking. others being nice to Opal a bit. seeing how much puppydoll was loved is a bit painful. dunno how much it knew, think a good bit at least, but also so much is... should have told the ones it talked about a lot that it seems to care for them. would've helped maybe
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use [name it never used for anything but medical and family], not [names it cherished from loved ones]
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Opal will be alive for a scant few tomorrows.
knowing the exact moment that the arc of this life reaches its terminal point is useless to you, as Opal is gone from yours as you read this.
there is nothing to be done, there is no insight to glean.
it was all meaningless pain.
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they always do this they always do this why are they doing this this time why this one time please stop :<
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Opal's love has died.
she will no longer be present.
goodbye.
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will become stable.
will live this life to its fullest.
will be very loud, visible.
needs to make things, needs to put a deep scar into this world, shaped like the one in her heart, so it is remember by those that never met it.
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funhouse mirror
in the unlikely event that enough pile up,
maybe you can see Opal in a collar ^__^
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the hrt that gives you doll joints and those eyes... you know the ones, the ones that are vacant but still have stars in them, the ones of devotion where the world becomes dim, the one that hide the pain you can't explain,
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every time it's the same story:
your family hates you.
they want you dead.
this is what being queer is,
fundamentally.
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little girl in a big coffin because everyone wants to bury it with a stuffie or a blanket or something else...
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it's... been nice talking to others that it touched... as Opal said at the very start, in words now unremembered:
being part of the world means hurting others, it means being hurt. the world cuts scars into you as you pass through it, as we do to each other also.
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puppydoll was one of the exceedingly few individuals that were inspirational to Opal.
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locking you in the cage and only letting you out to torture you until your eyes look like this
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its mom wanted to be reassured that she was good about trans stuff by:
- refusing to use it/its pronouns
- refusing to use anything but its legal name
- telling us a story about its family being shitheads to the one other trans family member that included telling us her deadname.
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Opal doesn't want kind words and support, she wants puppydoll.
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goes without saying, but if you feel you might hurt yourself in relation to puppydoll's death, please contact Opal.
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will always get alarmed people on voice call immediately, will always keep bag packed and be ready to leave any moment, will knock on any door as loudly as possible and call through it if no response, will always tell loved ones they're loved, will check in more often... just....
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adopt your girlfriend so the things you do to her can be illegal
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they won't let Opal eat the body, so give her the crumbs of its life, the small crystals of memory and feelings you have for it. don't hold back for fear of pain, this must sustain Opal for a lifetime.
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understands now why it kept them so far away.
make a will, even if you're young. imagine your family finding ways to use your death to hurt your friends as you do so, since that's what you're making one to prevent.
we live in hell, but we live still.
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grabbing a girl by the collar and dragging her across the room but she starts making the gmod physics glitching noise
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honestly a bit offended.
others aren't interchangeable, even little not-person dolls that mold themselves onto you. loved it holistically, all of it.
was never believed in this!! doesn't understand!!!
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you can try to understand your dead daughter: learn the parts it didn't share with you in life, know it better in death than before so you can love it more, understand and love the ones it loved, help them as it did, be helped by them as it was...
or you can hurt them selfishly.
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Opal has lost sanity.
puppydoll really was everything to her and now...?
doesn't know. it wanted us to get better, will do this.
Opal does best without sanity holding her back.
nothing that happens from here can be worse.
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going to try calling parents right now... maybe wrong numbers, dunno if they've been informed... maybe should drive over instead since know addresses... dunno how to do this. usually someone else breaks the news, usually not so involved.
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day we first met in person...
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preygender, take the HRT that makes you give off victim pheramone
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so happy that Opal could help it for a while... came over and cooked it food at least once a week, with plenty of leftovers so it had things to eat... just that small thing gave it enough capacity to start streaming mostly regularly and have energy for drawing....
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girlthings in collars are cute.
please reply with pictures of yourself wearing a collar
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she wanted us to say: "no, you didn't abuse your daughter, she was just born fucked up and bad, i'm so sorry you had to deal with such a horrible child."
this is how all these fucking parents are.
they think their kids aren't keenly fucking aware that they never loved them.
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social norms around here:
• girlthings aren't people
• consensual cannibalism is fine and good
• sex doesn't count unless it's violent
• incest is expected
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the thing Opal admired most about it was its intention... it had so little capacity, it could take so few actions, but it was extremely intentional about the actions it took. it curated its life so precisely. Opal was in awe of it. so so so happy it allowed Opal to be near it.
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at least these ones aren't insisting on using its deadname, just actively excluding them from the grieving process wherever they can. something about its "lifestyle". lamenting how they let themselves loosen any of their control over it, over every ounce of independence it gained
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so worried its family is going to start posting from its accounts or sending people DMs or something
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this is the shit we've had to deal with instead of grieve for last week, since they changed the locks stole a bunch of puppydoll's roommate's shit and then threatened police on Opal for having "stolen" shit from puppydoll that puppydoll didn't even have.
she wanted us to say: "no, you didn't abuse your daughter, she was just born fucked up and bad, i'm so sorry you had to deal with such a horrible child."
this is how all these fucking parents are.
they think their kids aren't keenly fucking aware that they never loved them.
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they don't know anything about its life and they have no interest in knowing anything. they didn't know who its partners were, its loved ones, its friends. they didn't know what it did, what it cared about... they resent that it ever lived.
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it's so cool that if you hurt a girl enough you can use her reactions to being hurt as reason to hurt her more and get others to hurt her as well.... you don't even have to kill her yourself!
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i cannot imagine anything more disrespectful that refusing to call someone by their name.
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following Opal nowadays:
• detritus (~homeless ~trans ~girls)
• a few teapot peeps who don't suck
• witches (programmer type)
• torture fetishists
• angels (sistercest type)
• dolls
• especially fucked up furries
• games-adjacent musicians
• girlthings that wanna be hurt
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thinking about the wall once again.
around 22 is the peak of many mental disorders, if you're suffering chronic pain from this kind of thing, spikes of pain... please try to keep in mind that things do get better.
many friends have died at 22, many at 27 for different reasons.
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much like its soul, its body looked peaceful and beautiful despite the violence done to it and all the blood.
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"it's disrespectful to call her puppydoll around me since she didn't use that name around me"
"it's really disrespectful to me that you keep calling her "it", don't do that"
bitch. you don't have the right to even pretend to care.
its mom wanted to be reassured that she was good about trans stuff by:
- refusing to use it/its pronouns
- refusing to use anything but its legal name
- telling us a story about its family being shitheads to the one other trans family member that included telling us her deadname.
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in order to repair things you need to know the exact ways in which they are broken. this, implicitly, means that you understand how to break them more, where to put the wedges, where to apply the hammer. it becomes clear how fragile the world is, how valuable every connection
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nightmare.
they refuse to use its proper pronouns or anything but legal name. they say it's disrespectful to them to call it melod, the name it cherished. they resent that it lived for a few years outside of their control.
can imagine how they'd handle its digital ghost.
defaced.
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you can't be friends with someones abuser and their victim, same as you can't be friends with someone's rapist and their victim. fuck you for thinking this. we aren't friends. please go die.
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she wanted us to tell her it wasn't thinking of SRS because of "premenant changes" or whatever. she wanted us to reassure all her transphobic shit and disrespect of HER OWN FUCKING DEAD DAUGHTER and tell her she was a good mother, especially with her fucked up daughter she abusd
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every time you girls say fаggоt it's like a pokemon saying their own name
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did so much personal growth and improvement before it died. not even arachanaphobe anymore: just defeated a spider so big it had footstep noises
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it reached out to Opal, at the very end.
its penultimate action,
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thinking about the puppygirl kennels... would have an exposed kill room in the middle of them so they could watch jealously as their friends get put down
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it's still online.
maybe it'll message soon...
this is torture.
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[Girl In Collar Tied Up And Being Hurt] gotta be favorite all-time gender
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will shut up now.
not bitter but coming off as such.
thinking of the good times...
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