Blockhead
@OhYouBlockhead
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Bellagio native | writer | "What's It Like Growing Up in Vegas?"
Joined July 2017
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Last Seen Profiles
you’re balding.
the stuff you ordered online doesn’t work.
you barely have any friends.
you haven’t been touched in months. you’re overweight, but that’ll never change.
you have no passion and that scares you.
but yeah, BTC might bounce here.
146
149
2K
she finds another woman’s hair tie in your backseat.
she starts crying and tells you she’s been cheating for 11 months.
you don’t tell her the hair tie belonged to a passenger from the Uber shifts you took to pay for an engagement ring.
the money you save goes to a motorcycle.
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138
2K
what happened?
you had a plan.
you were going to be the hero.
flying first class. Miami.
a few more moves, a 2x and maybe a 5x, nothing crazy.
you were gonna take care of people.
you weren’t supposed to get this feeling again.
they said it would be different.
59
120
2K
you’re an OG now.
act like you’ve seen it all, because you have.
took you long enough.
how much retirement money in how many cycles slipped through your fingers?
a half dozen partners who loved you, all ignored to stay here.
but at least now you have the respect of strangers.
74
118
2K
you did it.
7 figures liquid.
move to NYC to find a wife.
compete with European royals to whom your net worth is one family heirloom.
sift through Dimes Square girls on SSRIs and heroin, only thing they’re cooking is brain cells.
she’s out there,
going to church back home.
57
51
1K
your grandkids record you on their phones at Christmas. probably an Instagram video.
you open your present.
a quilt made from your dead wife’s clothes.
grief hits your body. they don’t realize you wake up every day already reaching for her.
“look,” they say. “he’s crying.”
140
107
1K
you knock on your neighbors’ doors asking for toilet paper.
they smile, laugh, stare at you until they realize you’re serious.
it surprises you how many are unwilling to help. you’re only asking for one roll but they think you’re being unreasonable.
then they see the gun.
52
117
1K
being in stablecoins was the smart play.
she finally texts you back.
aren’t you excited bitcoin is going up?
your turn to not respond.
20
115
1K
Coinbase adds Monero on condition you trade in front of a police officer
24
123
1K
you got rich but did you ever think if you should’ve?
burn bridges with your old friends so you can claim the new friends only want you for your money.
make your entire personality “wealth,” then be shocked when people think you have nothing else to offer.
63
92
1K
it’s one thing to gamble with client money, it’s another to do it while you still have parents.
buying arenas, politicians, athletes.
but you forgot to expand your security team.
they find Mom at her job, leaving the Center for Poverty and Inequality.
the irony isn’t lost.
83
109
1K
explain to her when Asia markets open, price usually goes down.
“if you know what’s going to happen, why can’t you make money?”
43
70
1K
you leave the gym. you’ve been lifting more since the breakup. setting new PRs.
you chug your protein shake in your car and go on Instagram. you visit her page.
her new guy has a neckbeard and drives an Audi. you sit in your Civic and cry.
77
73
1K
BTC under $20k, you have to wear a condom.
BTC above $50k, you don’t even have to shower.
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64
1K
make wife changing money.
trade your wedding ring for a ring light.
leave the woman who birthed your child for a slightly tighter 33 year old in too much makeup.
don’t worry what you’re teaching your kid,
your arteries give you an early out.
main character,
cautionary tale.
59
83
1K
she asks what you do for work. you have to explain bitcoin three times.
she thought you were awkward then looked up the price on her phone and realized you were just eccentric.
when she comes back from the bathroom, she laughs at all your jokes. until you use a Groupon.
37
91
1K
you lost so much in the hack.
wear your only suit to pass security.
he gets on stage,
bodyguards in the wings.
you were supposed to pay off your family’s house, now you can’t make rent.
double tap, like practice.
Mom runs on stage, cradles her baby boy, blood on her hands.
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70
977
you watch prices soar.
you could’ve bought ethereum, stocks, any of the coins people talk about. instead you did the right thing— you paid rent.
one of your friends is boat shopping, another posts a Rolex, but at least your landlord smiles back at you now.
28
99
960
crypto changed your life.
wake up at 4am to make a transaction without paying $200 in fees.
hunched over, tapping your pin code, but hey, at least you’re not clocking in.
31
49
962
you pick up her dog’s shit.
she must be working late.
you don’t mind taking out her pug. that’s love. you carry it, wondering how she lost the leash.
at another guy’s apartment, she crawls on the floor. he picks up the leash.
“bed,” he says.
she makes her puppy dog face.
69
73
916
you post so much about bitcoin going up that you convince yourself you still have some.
you wish you never sold, spent on all that nice stuff together. where’s all of that now?
price shoots up another $600. everyone in the group chat cheers.
“haha hell yes,” you write.
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69
921
you showed her how to cheat with Pokémon Go.
you downloaded an app to spoof GPS so you could hunt without leaving the apartment.
she used the same app when she said she was visiting her parents. she and her ex spent the weekend patching things up in bed.
it was super effective.
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89
906
treat your private keys like they were videos of you masturbating
70
121
857
you bring her back to your apartment. taped to your door is a 3 day or evict notice for late rent.
she doesn’t ask but you make up an excuse about them losing your check anyway.
you crumple up the notice and shoot it at the trashcan.
“Kobe!”
you miss.
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867
Letter to my 2017 bull run self
You’re lying on the concrete floor of the Century City parking garage right now.
You’re on break from your job in the stockroom at Eataly.
You probably stole the artisan Iranian yogurt for lunch again, $10 for 8 oz, fuck em.
Your apron and
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900
“can i borrow $400?” you ask.
“yes but why?”
she knows but she wants to hear you say it.
you show her your laptop.
the lines on the chart and the lines on her face don’t change.
she sends you the money on Venmo.
caption: “cryptocurrency trader”
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849
34 year old man doing prison workouts next to his $800 standing desk.
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860
you delete her number and download League of Legends again. no more games.
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827
do everything right.
good grades, great school, do the job that everyone expects you to do.
go in early, stay up late. you’re a stallion at every company you’re at.
finally, you get that big promotion.
then someone finds the video.
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830
this was supposed to be your last bull run.
dead loved ones you swore you’d live for, but you wasted it online gambling and chasing clout.
used to ask yourself, now you know.
“what would you do with a million dollars?”
waste that too.
57
54
810
you send your last $1000 in BTC to the Cash App giveaway.
you were skeptical until you saw Elon tweet. if there was a chance it was legit, you had to. you haven’t had an income in months.
you refresh your wallet before bed. maybe you sent later than you thought.
33
77
797
you retweet another article about Epstein.
your 250 followers will learn the truth. you tried talking to family members but they think you’re crazy. too many people involved are being targeted.
a knock at the door. UPS.
you don’t remember ordering a package.
23
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794
log off.
go outside.
treat yourself to a vacation.
treat your friends, treat some girl.
treat your friends to some girls.
do the bottle service / Uber Black / strip club grind then switch to the smoothie / workout / yoga grind.
do it all, but the feeling is still there.
23
57
797
your eyelids feel heavy.
some reptilian compulsion makes you check Twitter one last time.
you have dozens of notifications. copies of your tweets. kindly imitating your style.
you turn off the car. open the garage.
you have to go back.
none of them were even close.
51
46
766
you can’t make rent.
you can’t find your passion.
you can’t get hard without watching porn and even then good luck staying there.
you’re too broke to invest or participate meaningfully in the economy you watch every day.
but you can still post “GM”
90
67
797
she left you for obsessing over the virus.
you sent her handwashing techniques, supply lists, leaked videos from Chinese hospitals.
she was the one, that’s why you cared.
you bounce between MSNBC statistics and her Instagram.
you’re terrified of the body count rising.
41
64
777
you heat up vegetable pad thai in your microwave.
your date sits at the table on her phone. she hasn’t talked since you showed her your altcoin mining rigs.
“restaurants overcharge for simple ingredients,” you explain.
the entire apartment smells like curry.
23
34
766
“it’s a pro gaming organization,” you tell her.
she looks at you like she’s waiting for you to say more.
“does it make you money?” she asks.
“a little,” you avoid specifics. “the top teams make millions.”
she watches you scrape out resin for another bowl.
16
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773
jerk off first and then ask yourself if you still want to buy that altcoin
39
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742
send her 2 BTC.
the result of years of mediocre trading.
pick a random OnlyFans from your recent history. tell her it’s to start her trading career. every end should have a beginning.
send your ex the email. sirens blend in with ATH alerts. call it early retirement.
43
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757
“don’t listen to them, baby.”
you wanted the proposal to go viral, but not like this.
they call her a gold digger, but you know she was just tired.
she was out with friends all night.
came back late.
“do i get a monkey now too?” she asks.
she’s a natural with the apes.
42
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783
you smoke on your porch. rule of thumb is two joints and you stop thinking about her.
the old woman next door cooks dinner with an open window. she comes outside.
“smells good,” you tell her.
“back at you,” she says.
37
27
752
you wanted to meet people in Miami.
visit a strip club, maybe rent Ferraris.
guys at the bar must’ve heard you mention crypto. followed your Uber. you didn’t want to cry but they broke your fingers one at a time
you give them your Ledger. it’s over.
then one unbuckles his belt.
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742
she talks about how mean her parents are.
“we were on vacation in Egypt and they wouldn’t let me and my brother stop to rest.”
you remember Mom forgetting you in the Luxor arcade while she played penny slots.
same pyramids, different tombs.
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734
she’s hungry, but you can’t justify room service when your NFTs didn’t sell out.
you show her OpenSea, shirtless, while she stares in her stockings and nods.
her shoes are worth more than your portfolio.
but you still pretend it’s bigger than it is.
liquidated quick again.
55
35
727
hundreds of guys wearing the same crypto-branded swim trunks, trying to attract the same egirls, wearing the same impulse purchased Rolexes poolside.
you look around and think of a nature documentary.
every bitcoin trader flocks to Miami and one of them may even reproduce.
37
50
697
you cash out some profit. your friends say to treat yourself.
when she left you stopped going out. deleted your Facebook. ignored the mail.
bitcoin keeps climbing, despite it all.
you refresh your portfolio.
you’re a little richer but it doesn’t feel like it.
43
44
676
in 2007, you take Spanish instead of Computer Science as your 6th grade elective. hang out with your friends. you have the cool teacher.
in 2022, watch people exploit millions in free money. wonder how as you apply to another customer service role. bilingual? no problemo.
23
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683
it was your first time being successful.
rent 15 apartments and sublet them as AirBnBs. this was going to be your year.
now 28k is due in rent and you have no guests. everyone else you know is sinking in their own way. you hope for a rent freeze or you’ll be out in the cold.
28
60
656
you eat lunch with her and her friends.
you were happy she called to get back together. she’s more distant now but you read that as growth.
her friends ask if you want dessert. she says you’ve been eating a lot of cream pies from across town.
they laugh, but you don’t know why.
55
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639
you should have so much fucking money and instead you fucked it all up and you’re never going to get another opportunity like this again.
38
50
654
she asks what you do all day.
show her your latest investment.
“this is the one…”
$70,000, split with guys in the group chat.
she doesn’t ask to see anymore.
29
60
651
you wake up and immediately remember how much money you lost
41
47
635
your back aches sitting up, and it hits you.
you’ll never be 17 again with that feeling of your whole life ahead of you like you could make a mistake but the universe would protect you from consequences from anything.
70
40
651
you scarf down deli meat in front of your sink.
you have a Tinder date in 20 minutes and you can’t afford two entrees but don’t want to look hungry again.
she asks why you don’t order more.
you lie about eating a late lunch at work, which means lying about having a job too.
21
36
617
she insists on going to her ex’s Super Bowl party.
you bring a six-pack of Bud Light. she cooks 7-layer nachos and brisket. there’s no room on the couch, so you stand.
she wears a Mahomes jersey she bought last week. you didn’t even know she liked football.
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33
621
you watch Limitless on your bed.
that’s how you see yourself— messy but with potential.
you ignore the fact you’ve already been taking adderall for two months and all that’s happened is you traded an account into dust.
you replay the part where he wins and she comes back.
37
44
617
someone sends you her instagram. for some reason, you click.
you had heard she got into streaming after the breakup, the same time you got your customer support job back.
the first thing you see in her bio is the onlyfans link. you wipe a tear and take out your wallet.
44
38
608
you celebrate winning your bet on McGregor.
you call out of work for the next two days. order ubereats from your favorite sushi place. lose at poker. subscribe to her onlyfans.
you check the withdrawal from bovada. your $110 should be here soon.
15
32
595
“i can’t listen to 6ix9ine the same way,” you tell her. “not after the snitching.”
she finishes her wine.
“you’re 31.”
16
56
609
everything smells like stale weed smoke.
spend all day slowly losing money.
look for the next 10x flip.
the bull run can’t be over. you were supposed to be one of the success stories.
41
51
601
you thought you were smart.
you watched $500 in BTC climb to $570. that should cover the Best Buy credit card. meanwhile, your friends made thousands on coins you thought were jokes.
you listen to them talk about profits from Retard Token. maybe that’s the one for you.
26
37
580
you’ll make enough.
enough to justify being a dick, to justify ignoring good relationships in your life.
enough that anyone who didn’t believe in you has no choice but to be proven wrong.
but it won’t feel like enough,
and everything you had before is all you’ll want then.
37
72
628
you feel good because the majority of your holdings are in cash, but $4k isn’t a majority of anything.
30
23
607
why not buy a boat?
if you can’t be the whale in your telegram, at least be a whale in the harbor.
lose at trading. costs keep rising.
maintenance, slip fees. it doesn’t sail itself.
eventually dump it for a loss.
that part you’re familiar with.
17
22
611
you voted for Biden hoping he would erase the six figures of student loan debt you got tricked into,
meanwhile, a 24 year old who can barely read makes half that trading a meme on his phone.
he hears about the state of the union,
wonders where it is.
21
52
624
you play online poker in the corner of the Caesar’s Palace food court.
since your bankroll took a hit, you had to move down in stakes.
sometimes you walk to the poker room, past the Celine Dion show, and watch the other players.
you practice your reads without them knowing.
26
30
587
she asks you to pause the game. she has a call. she’s using her serious voice.
her grandma died. you want to ask if it was corona even though you know it was cancer.
she goes to the bathroom to cry. you hear the toilet paper rip. you knock on the door. there’s a limit.
39
46
583
split things up in the divorce.
she gets the house, both cars, the joint savings, and all the furniture.
you get the NFTs.
while she’s bringing back new guys every night who give her leg-shaking orgasms, you watch your jpegs bleed to 0.
don’t put that in the Tinder bio.
39
30
587
you see her carriage outside the steel tycoon’s estate. she told you she had scarlet fever.
you’d challenge him to a duel, but you don’t want to borrow your dad’s revolver again.
you take her picture out of the locket you bought her. you sell it for cheap at the opium den.
42
28
563
you hug your girlfriend.
a functional childhood means that you can communicate love.
you drink a glass of wine each, not too much, and have engaging conversation.
later, you watch the Magicians finale together. you’re okay. your mom calls and checks in. she’s okay too.
50
18
583
you say you aren’t tweeting until bitcoin hits five figures again.
two years later, you check the price but you don’t know why. you don’t even remember the password to your account anymore.
someone shouts at you. turn up the grill. there’s a line out the door. kebabs fix that.
26
32
561
your bitcoin short nears liquidation. you add the rest of your “savings” to margin.
your internet friend tells you about a new coin coming out. you send him money. he stops responding.
your girlfriend comes home from work. she asks what you did today.
“same old,” you tell her.
39
28
564
you delete every stock app off your phone.
you check your savings. it has to last until something stable. you get LinkedIn premium. the job hunt lasts 25 minutes.
you text your ex, block her, watch the Summer 2016 video, jerk off, then wake up and download Robinhood again.
26
33
565
you wear the I Voted sticker to your favorite bar in Los Feliz. it’s a two IPA day.
a beautiful redhead sits down.
“tough about Sanders,” you say.
she doesn’t respond.
“you for Warren?” you ask.
“my candidate is already in the White House.”
Bern or not, she’s too hot for you.
16
37
559
she said you had potential.
you could’ve had any job you wanted.
soon you will.
foraging, mining, you tend a garden now.
you haven’t told her about it yet. imagine her reaction if this is your win.
buy a thief with hair just like hers.
not much of a hero, but she gives tears.
26
65
571
first, you list your Rolex.
then you list your Herman Miller.
then you list your References.
19
34
585
you’re shocked she agreed to go out with you. blame it on the quarantine.
you sweat in the Uber to her house. it feels like you’re coming down with the flu but don’t want to reschedule.
you walk in. she lives with her grandparents. you accidentally shake with your tissue hand.
24
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558
if you don’t understand why i attack bad writers,
LARPs,
liars,
rich kids who don’t try,
or people who tell shit stories—
let me tell you about my best friend Mike Neel.
29
60
583
you walk around Costco like Will Smith in I Am Legend.
you cut off a woman in Dairy and grab the last gallon of whole milk. her two kids look small for their age, hungry. no way can she carry enough in one trip.
she’s speechless, staring, so you grab the last half gallon, too.
26
54
551
your girlfriend studying abroad sends you a foreign article about bitcoin.
you cash out most of yours. part because price could drop but also so you can surprise her.
you text her from the airport.
her long response ends suggesting the three of you can get dinner together.
39
19
540
you lost millions.
but that doesn’t make you a tragic hero.
it just makes you like everyone else.
20
38
560
you prep to quarantine with your gf.
you buy her favorite snacks, deep clean your apartment, and make sure she has extra heating pads for her period cramps.
she comes over. you lock the door, happy she’s safe and sound.
she says its time to come clean about the other guys.
60
21
533
i’m happy to release:
250 tweets picked from over 4 years.
each tweet can be minted as an NFT.
once minted, that tweet is deleted forever.
a hardcover book will be privately sent to NFT owners in December.
i sincerely appreciate everyone’s support.
47
73
558
you make two months’ salary in a few days on your laptop.
then you make a hole in the wall from how much you missed out on.
23
57
529
you’re doing well, crypto up, buy a new video game.
your ex tries learning how to squirt for stream.
rent is due and it’s hard to relax herself knowing viewers are down.
she wipes up with the hoodie she thinks she stole, that you let her have.
she’s surprised, there’s so much.
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32
542
“we’ll figure it out,” she says.
you stare at the chart.
down over 20% in an hour. alarms were meaningless.
maybe the future of money doesn’t include you.
yesterday you had the thought to sell some BTC in case you had to stay home from work.
someone else had that thought, too.
30
47
536
“what do we do first, Mr. Musk?”
it isn’t ban the Libs, or unban Donald.
not DOGE tips or Pepe gifs or an edit button.
he’s not that different.
“her DMs. show me.”
17
41
552
you apply to another call center.
with this batch of applications, you mention your college degree but not the “professional gambling”
you want to text your ex about a job at her agency but you still owe her money.
you check how much your 0.11 BTC is worth. still no citadel.
20
24
524
you’ve been dating for six months and it feels like love. she lets you stay over while she visits her family.
you sell her MacBook Air first.
then the TV, the sofa, and the weird old candles her parents gave her.
you spend 4 days gambling and 20 minutes on the apology text.
35
35
533
“why are you sad if you never met him?” she asks.
you open his profile one last time.
some people are more than their online presence. they ascend to represent an entire lifestyle. MDMA in Thailand. a true degenerate in a world of gamblers.
“no one paid you to talk,” you say.
13
33
538
you give your girlfriend a bitcoin wallet for Christmas.
you load $80 worth and say it was $300 “but the market tanked”
she shows the ex you hate. he checks the transaction. shows her what you have left.
she gives him that smile you waited for all morning.
33
33
520
you miss out on another 5x.
you’re the oldest in the group chat but you don’t understand unit swaps. kids half your age are getting rich. you think there’s still time to learn.
you read to stay motivated. articles about people “making it” later in life. no more 30 under 30s.
34
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525
she tells you about her day.
you try and move the beer bottle with your mind.
14
46
528
you drive Uber to make up lost wages.
you get home and hear her laughing.
she’s Skyping with a coworker. she says it work but he’s mostly telling her workouts she can do on her own.
you walk past the camera for some fruit snacks.
“was that a ghost?” he asks.
“yeah,” she laughs.
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