If you wrote the code, you cannot update the tracking ticket. We need separation of duties for compliance reasons. #NotMyAgile

Scrum doesn't fail you. You fail Scrum. #NotMyAgile #scrum

Let's skip the retrospectives; they're not important anyway. #NotMyAgile

Now that we have locked in the features we will deliver in the next 6 months and communicated those promises to the market, you can start scrumming. #NotMyAgile

All metrics can be misused, so all metrics are bad. #NotMyAgile

Let’s release only once per month so that stakeholders know when releases will be. #NotMyAgile

Executives announce themes. VPs define Initiatives. Directors define epics. Managers define features. Supervisors define stories. All of the above commit to dates. Architects/Designers define specifications. Workers execute, accountable to specification and date. #NotMyAgile

Velocity is the only measure of success; nothing else matters. #NotMyAgile

If the team fails to meet the Velocity goal, management needs to call for a retrospective to get to the bottom of it and help the team understand the urgency. #NotMyAgile #scrum

As your agile technical coach, I will be mentoring each of you through pull request comments. There are six of you and only one of me, so each of you is allowed one pull request per week. #NotMyAgile

RT @GrumpyOldJon: @NotMyAgile If we ain't got a Gannt chart how do we know the Agile is working? #notmyagile

Oh, we’re absolutely doing this agile. We just have a waterfall plan is all. #NotMyAgile

Last iteration, 20 new bugs were added to the backlog AND you failed to meet the velocity target. If you want the business to treat you like a trusted partner, you’re going to have to pick up the pace. #NotMyAgile

This will go faster if we all work independently and stay in our own lanes. #NotMyAgile

If the Product team is doing their job right, the engineering team doesn't need to think about anything but the technical implementation of the requirements. #NotMyAgile

Let's ignore technical debt; we'll deal with it later. #NotMyAgile

We don't need to document anything; Agile is all about being lightweight. #NotMyAgile

Your forecasting technique doesn't address concerns that velocity also does not address, therefore we cannot use it instead of velocity. #NotMyAgile #velocity

Thou shalt always have colocated team members. Always. No Exceptions. #NotMyAgile

To expedite planning, the product Owner has already pointed all the stories and assigned them to each of you for the sprint. Please make sure you uphold this commitment. #NotMyAgile